Proper way to deal with this.

[hennypenny3288]

There's this guy that I've been hanging out with. He's been slowing pulling back, not as attentive or considerate of my needs. I initiate all the emails, phone calls, etc. Not that there are much of phone calls. I have decided to pull back and not be so available to the person, not that person seem to notice or care. At first the person wrote me after not hearing from me for a day. I am starting a form of LC in order to "awaken" some interest from him, that he probably once had for me?

 

How else should I go about this? How long should I go about this. If I want to see him this weekend, should I still bring up that subject or see if he approaches first.

 

People here are the ones who say pulling back works. I trust you guys, so dont let me down.

[annie24]

are you two "hanging out' or dating? how long? i think if you are sensing that he is pulling back, give him space. if you are always the one calling him and asking him out, see how long it takes him to call you and ask you out. if it's forever, then you have your answer. I don't think that chasing him will bring him closer.

[hennypenny3288]

Hanging out for over 6 months, was dating before for a short amount of time. Just platonic hanging out. Will pulling back maybe spark his interest again? That is highly desirable. I hate always having to be the one to ask to hang out. When I do ask to hang out (platonically), we always do, but it is always at my behest. That gets tiring.

[annie24]

he could be having some issues totally unrelated to you. maybe that is why he is pulling away? or maybe he is not so interested? hard to tell. why aren't you two officially dating? what led to the first breakup? i feel i need more info to give you good advice.

[hennypenny3288]

There was no official breakup. We hooked up for a period of time. That didn't work out, so we decided to try and be friends, hence hanging out for the last six months. Things were great until recently when he met someone in a long distance thing. Never did think that would work out. Whatever.

[annie24]

ah, so you guys are just friends then. and he met a new woman. makes sense why he is pulling back. well, I would just let him. it sounds like you haven't really had a chance to get over him, it sounds like you are still hoping to get back with him, or are at least a bit too emotionally dependent on him. I think you should start weaning yourself off him.

[hennypenny3288]

Well, can LC (not showing interest, etc) bring a guy back, get him to be interested in me? The woman is not a local thing. so it isn't like he is seeing her ALL the time.

[annie24]

i think it is possible, but not 100%. nothing has a 100% gaurantee. I think it is a good sign he e-mailed you after not hearing from you for a day. i definitely agree you should back off and start meeting new men. that may spark his interest if he knows you aren't sitting around waiting for him. and i think you should meet a guy who is crazy about you and wants to be more than your 'hanging out buddy.' so, yeah, back off and see what happens. and if that doesn't bring him closer, then get over him and move forward. actually, i think you should start getting over him right now.

[ImThatGirl]

Sorry HennyPenny but I think the absolute best thing to do here would be to:

- Focus on yourself

- Focus on your hobbies and friends

- Do limited or no contact in order to heal and get over him

- Realize that he will never be what you deserve

- Realize that you deserve much, much more!

 

He leads you around by a string and you let him... You've got to build your strength, expectations, and boundaries. I promise you, if you try, you will be much happier!

 

Hugs~~~~~ We'll be here for you no matter what!

[ImThatGirl]

I just read through your recent threads...

 

HennyPenny, Please, Please take my advice.

 

I was in a relationship for 7 months. I tried so hard to be who my ex wanted me to be. I tried to do whatever it took. If it took me biting my tongue instead of standing up for myself, if it took me kissing his butt, I did it. And rarely did he do the same for me.

 

I seen the red flags. I knew I was prolonging the inevitable.

 

Please stop prolonging the inevitable. It sounds like he's probably conflict / confrontation / communication avoidant. I doubt he's ever going to bluntly say "I'm not interested in you at all." One day, he will just disappear and you need to prepare yourself for that and for making a life for yourself without him.

[hennypenny3288]

I don't think he would disappear from me either. I think he has some compassion in him to know that if he disappeared out of my life, he would wound me terribly. Besides, he promised me he would never do that.

[Momene]

If you have to play games to get or keep someone's attention, they are not worth having.

[ImThatGirl]

I don't think he would disappear from me either. I think he has some compassion in him to know that if he disappeared out of my life, he would wound me terribly. Besides, he promised me he would never do that.

 

 

Dear, I've heard those promises too. And I believed in someone before too. And I took a risk and stayed much longer than I should have.

 

You are trying so hard to find a way to keep him in your life, gain his attention, and coerce him into being in your life. You shouldn't have to do that.

 

My ex promised if our relationship didn't work out, we'd be mature and continue being friends.

 

My ex promised he'd be respectful and keep me in mind if we broke up. (Ex: I asked him to not flaunt it if he was looking to find someone else or if he did start dating again immediately.) Guess what - he didn't keep that promise either.

 

My ex and I will probably never talk again.

 

So - - I won't lecture you. But according to his actions (having a girlfriend, not initiating contact or visits with you) and your actions and desperation, I think you are self harming yourself by expecting him to think about your mental well being and continuing to chase him.

[annie24]

i must agree with imthatgirl. it sounds like he is just your buddy but you are hoping for more, i think it will hurt you in the long run. the fact that he has chosen a woman who lives far away over a woman who lives nearby indicates that he values space and distance, and that it can even turn him on.

[ImThatGirl]

I have to add though -

 

Having compassion for you is not the same as having the possibility of the future with him.

 

Why would you accept having someone in your life that only stays because he doesn't want to "wound" you? Is this everyday rejection that your feeling worth it?

[hennypenny3288]

I'mThatGirl, didn't your ex leave you because you stood up to him and called him on his actions? If you kept along to the status quo, you could have kept him around. I go with the philosophy of "don't rock the boat".

 

What this whole thread was about was requesting advice and opinions about whether pulling back and practicing LC was the proper way to deal with aforementioned situation. I don't care that he likes someone else. Big deal! She isn't an imminent threat. I am looking for stopgap solutions for now, to raise attraction level. If she were in the area, then she would be a force to be reckoned with. Now, she's just an annoying blip on the radar.

[ImThatGirl]

I'm sorry Henny - I am a caring person that cares even for your wellbeing. You said yourself that if he cuts you out of his life completely you'd be terribly wounded. You are trying to keep from "rocking the boat," while he goes on and lives his life with you as merily a "friend."

 

You are not being fair or honest with yourself. But to each their own.

 

So to answer your specific questions:

 

LC may make him miss you. Or he may welcome it so he can go on with his life.

 

What have you tried in the past? Apparently letting him walk all over you hasn't helped so..... good luck.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you don't have more respect for yourself than this.

[Batya33]

I think it's hard to re-spark interest after a significant period of time making yourself too available and settling for hanging out and hooking up when what you really wanted was to date the person (which often is obvious to the other person taking you for granted). Re-sparking interest - pulling back a bit - works when the two of you are dating regularly and for a short amount of time (he or she) starts taking the the other for granted. Not being as available - not by playing games but because you react by making other plans -either by yourself or with others - can be the wake up call the other person needs.

 

If I stayed in someone's life out of compassion because of the person's fragile state it would be because I felt sorry for the person, not because I was interested.

[hennypenny3288]

I'mThatGirl, I am sorry if I came off in a rather unpleasant way to you. I am just frustrated beyond belief about the problem at hand and a lack of an acceptable solution. It was not meant to hurt your feelings or malign your character. The only thing I have tried in the past was giving him space at one time. Not that he asked for it or wanted it. I felt that it was good to have my own thing going so I planned a few days outing with some friends. I thought that could bring us closer. Instead that brought us further apart. Consequently, now I fear what would happen if I pulled away.

[ImThatGirl]

No offense taken...

 

I just feel terrible for you.

 

To me, your situation isn't much different than mine. I was left with the following options.

 

1) To accept him and what he had to offer and keep quiet about it.

 

2) To stand up for myself which ultimately led to the ending of our relationship.

 

For a very long time, I fooled myself. I let myself believe that he truly loved me and that we would make our relationship work and have a future together. I stayed quiet about alot of things.

 

Point blank, I settled. I never had his heart. I never had his complete interest. I could have chased him for months allowing myself to be disrespected and treated less than well. But I want and know I deserve to be in a happy, healthy relationship.

 

Why did I accept his way of a relationship? Because I was terribly weak and scared to death of not having him in my life. I don't do well with change. I was frightened about how far it would knock me down if I lost him. And, sure enough, it was a huge hit to my heart, mind, and ego. But I got back up and I'm going to be okay.

 

I am truly worried about how you will do if he pulls away further or ultimately doesn't talk to you at all.

 

Please let me know how I can help.

 

And to resolve this in a mature, healthy manner, I think that you should communicate - express how you feel about him and find out if there is any chance of a future together. Rather than holding onto the crumbs and falling apart when it hits you in the face.

 

Hugs~