How do I???

[Sadness_Within]

How do I ever trust my husband again after him doing 2 things he promised me he wouldn't, hid it from me, then got caught and told me he did it because he wasn't in love with me anymore (for 6 months he felt like this), he lied ALOT about why he did these things etc...

 

He has told me he realised that he was in love with me when he got caught...What if he had never got caught?

[ScreenagerX]

I believe I can possibly relate to your story (from the husbands point of view) but what happened?

[itsallgrand]

In my opinion, you don't.

You don't trust him again.

 

At least not right now.

 

Right now you focus on yourself and recovering from the betrayal.

 

Do you want to talk more about what happened? Did this happen recently or have you already made the decision to forgive and move ahead with the relationship?

[Sadness_Within]

Porn isn't allowed in my house...Something he knows.

Talking to other females and hiding it (no matter how innocent) is something I hate too.

 

I gave birth on 30th december in the morning and that night he was home looking at porn (He hid this from me). He said he was doing it to decide if he still wanted to be with me. Yes I just gave birth to baby number 5 but you look at porn to help decide if this marriage will continue.

Then he was talking to a girl, deleting conversations and sent his picture to her (Just an every day photo) and hid it from me.

 

He had been talking to a girl online 4 days before we got married and asked for her photo etc...hid this from me. I found out because she had written a message to him after he got off line and it came up when I got on the computer. I told him then how much I hate this type of thing and he promised he wouldn't do it again.

[i1dr]

Sorry but I believe you are making drama out of a small point.

There would be a line-up of women who would gladly trade you their Man problems.

[auroradawn]

so obviously this is not a one-time-thing. he has had many months...if not years? to conclude whether or not he is truly committed to your relationship. flirting and sending pictures online can mean nothing to some people..but if he knew you hated this, then he was aware of how much it would hurt you. he doesnt sound like the most honest of men. on the other hand...i can also relate to how he feels about getting caught. maybe he has finally realized how much this relationship means to him? as it is so close to ending? it could be a huge slap in the face for him. what would probably be the best for you is to have some space from him and for YOU to decide whether or not this kind of behaviour is forgivable, and whether or not you believe he wont do it again. has he said he wont do it again? has he tried to regain your trust in anyway?

[Sadness_Within]

You can think it is a small problem. I don't think it is small.

 

If your husband is not in love with you any more and doesn't care and does things he has promised he will not do. I think it is a big problem!

[Sadness_Within]

I am upset that he did those things but I am more upset that he hid and lied about them even when he got caught out.

 

The thing that hurts most is that he said that at the time he wasn't in love with me.

 

He hasn't really tried to regain my trust, he has tried to act as if he didn't do anything wrong...He said he wouldn't do it again after the first time...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

since you have 5 children and a newborn, i would suggest that you go into marriage counseling with him as soon as possible.

 

it seems that you have known about this for a while (through 5 children), so it is something that hasn't gone away on its own, so you probably need to get professional help through counseling.

[Sadness_Within]

I didn't know at all. He seemed fine towards me, the first time I thought there was something wrong was while I was in labour with bub and he didn't care I did the whole labour with him sitting in a chair in the corner going to sleep (I have short labours so it wasn't like we had been there for 24hours or anything)

[caro33]

Your timeframes are a bit confusing, because you say he did stuff before you were married, then talk about having 5 children. I guess those reading your post might assume you married him 5 children ago, in which case the issue with his behaviour pre-marriage has been around a while. But this assumption might be wrong.

 

Anyway, what i think is disturbing more than anything is:

 

I gave birth on 30th december in the morning and that night he was home looking at porn (He hid this from me). He said he was doing it to decide if he still wanted to be with me. Yes I just gave birth to baby number 5 but you look at porn to help decide if this marriage will continue.

 

You are saying that:

(a) he was home looking a porn just after you gave birth to his child;

(b) not only that, but he used that porn to decide his feelings for you?

 

I find that extraordinary. What tools did porn give him to assess his relationship with you? How did he explain this? What was he going to do if the porn told him he didn't love you?

 

I think that your concerns are certainly a big deal and I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think this is about porn but about betrayal and trust, and I can imagine it hurts to be told these things. Actually, I've been there. I know it hurts like hell. Being a mother to his children must make it even more confusing.

[Sadness_Within]

He did these things (The first time) before we were married as well as 8 weeks ago. I have told him it is over but don't know if this is really what I want.

[caro33]

If you got to have the ideal situation (assuming the same past), what would it be? Is there anything he can do or say that might make you feel better about trusting him?

 

If it's over, what does that mean for you and your children?

 

How has he explained himself?

[Sadness_Within]

I just don't know what there is that he could say or do that would make me feel different...

 

He has said at the time he wasn't in love with me any more and now that he has been caught he is still in love with me and wants it to work and well you can guess how it goes...

 

If it does end I don't know what he will do, where he will go. I will have the children with me still and take it step by step.

[caro33]

Would you see a counsellor together? Would that be worthwhile?

[Sadness_Within]

I don't even know if I want to do that...I cannot even start to get my head around everything to decide...

 

My heart says yes but my head says no. What do I listen to???

[caro33]

Why does your head say no? Is it just because you are hurt and angry or it is that plus you believe he won't ever be the man you need him to be?

[Sadness_Within]

I think my head says no because he is no longer the person I fell in love with...Not that I knew this until I found out what he had done. I feel so lost.

[caro33]

I'm so sorry. Only you know whether the heart or the head rule here, but I tend to think the head should prevail. If you are sure you are thinking about this objectively and see that he's not the man he needs to be, then you have made your decision. If this cannot ever be resolved to your satisfaction, you have made your decision. What you are now living with is the grief of that realisation and possibly the grief of what is to happen. It's going to be hard, you bonded with him and loved him - or who you hoped he was.

 

But this is also not a decision that can be taken in isolation of your children. How will you/they manage without him, what's the next step for you in a purely administrative sense? This might take some heavy negotiation - are you up for it?

[EvaGina]

Porn isn't allowed in my house...Something he knows.

Talking to other females and hiding it (no matter how innocent) is something I hate too.

 

Im sorry. I know that you are upset about the lying and hiding things, not so much the acts themselves, but perhaps you need to comprimise? Change YOUR additude in return for him changing behaviour?