A good idea or just delusional?

[capitalconfusion]

My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me recently. I have had a horrendous couple of weeks dealing with the pain, rejection, denial ... all that stuff. I hunted for signs that she would back down, I tried to create confusion. On the other hand she sounded confused as well. I spoke and connected with my feelings and emotions with such clarity that she was shocked, kind of happy for me and a little annoyed - "why didnt you do this 6 months ago?". Alas, I was a little lost in the relationship and didnt ask for help or communicate with her my real problems.

 

Anyway, one thing that we lost sight of was fun. We really did have fun together and she admitted after the break that she had the most fun with me than anyone else. I'm seeing her soon - I dont want this break up to be worse than it should be. I love this woman and I want to show her and myself that we can part in a "good" way. I plan to take her to a place that we always planned to go to but never went. Its only 10 minutes away but for me it's a form of closure. I want to celebrate what we tried to create, not mope that it went pear shaped. Have a drink, sit on the roof of the car and laugh.

 

 

BUT - I can feel another side of me trying to prove that the guy she lost love for was always there, but was just not there for some of the time. I will deal with being there more of the time in future but for now ... going out with happiness and laughter seems like an appropriate way to say goodbye. I dont expect her to turn around and say - wow, i want you back. That wont happen. I cant force good memories on her - clearly she has bad memories or the split wouldnt be happening ... but what is wrong with enjoying the last moments with the person you were so committed to and planned a life with?

[splashdown]

Sounds like a great idea, as long as you can do it without pinning your hopes and dreams to one great night turning around a whole relationship.

 

I think if you're hoping to get back together with her, the best thing you can do is to live well and happily after the break-up.

[melrich]

I plan to take her to a place that we always planned to go to but never went. Its only 10 minutes away but for me it's a form of closure. I want to celebrate what we tried to create, not mope that it went pear shaped. Have a drink, sit on the roof of the car and laugh.

 

I can see where you got this idea. It probably sounds pretty good in your head and translates OK in theory.

 

But you overlay the fairly raw emotions both of you will have around this break up and I think if she agreed to do it there is a big chance things would go horribly wrong.

 

My opinion, it is way to early to be thinking of something like this.

[capitalconfusion]

melrich - there are indeed raw emotions and yeah things could go horribly worng. It could be awkward and ruin another memory. But it seems that when we're emotionally raw in a break up there seems to be a tendency to deny two people actually did enjoy each others company. The split is happening becuase of doubt - not out of anger, more out of her being tired with me not acting on my words. I dont hate her. At the same time she broke my heart, so I am being honest with the way i feel about her.

 

Being way too early - all I can think of now is using it as a reconcilliation strategy if and when the chance ever arose.

 

By the way - this forum has made the last couple of days much easier for me. Thanks all.

[melrich]

But it seems that when we're emotionally raw in a break up there seems to be a tendency to deny two people actually did enjoy each others company.

 

That is true but it also ignores the fact that fundamentally the dynamic between the two of you has changed.

 

In the past you would have done this as a carefree couple in love and that is a big difference to a couple that has just had a break up.

 

I'm not saying don't be friends with her if you can handle that, but to revisit things that you did as a couple to me is fraught with danger so soon after the break up.

[capitalconfusion]

Fair point melrich. Probably too late to fix past omissions.

 

To compound the break up I have just recently moved to Canberra for a job from Sydney where we shared a house, friends etc. Getting dumped on the phone in a new city with no friends or family has been outstandingly difficult. It was part of our long term plan - career/personal development and now the "our" has gone I am struggling to figure out the "why" am i here?

 

The distance didnt cause the split - but it sure didnt help.

[Hope75]

Have you seen her since the breakup?

 

I have to agree with Melrich where this idea may sound good on paper, in reality when you came face to face and realized that you weren't together and this is the end, it would seem to me that what would truly prevail would be feelings of overwhelming grief and sadness.... at least until much time has passed and you are much further along in the process of healing.

[emma34]

Personally, I don't understand this way of breaking up.

 

How can you expect to have this wonderful last evening together when it's obviously going to agonizing for both of you. In my eyes, she will either become even more confused and toy with the idea of taking you back just because shes having such a good time RIGHT NOW (not necessarily the right idea) or you'll both end up crying and desperately want to hug and kiss and so forth.

 

Keep in mind this is my opinion.

 

I'm sure you don't have to worry about going out "good" - unless of course you assume she has some bad opinion of you...which i doubt.

[capitalconfusion]

Yeah, I have seen her since the break up. In fact the weekend after she told me we had one of the best weekends in a long, long time. Almost everything clicked - the conversation, the honesty, the communication, the affection. In fact she was the one who said "This is the sort of time we should have been having together". Of course, it was true. We had a blast. We both got a little confused - but the decision stands. Her decision.

 

I have to go back to get all my stuff, my cat and so on. So I will see her on occasions.

 

When I left on the Monday morning she made a point of pulling me back at telling me she loved me. When I spoke to her a week later I asked her why she said this - her response was, because she does.

 

She said that she needed to feel as if we had actually broken up - she wanted to hear me say I accepted what was happening. And I told her that yesterday. Of course, she was crying on the other end of the phone ... but it is an emotional time after all.

 

Taking me back right now would probably be worng. We both need to heal and remedy our own faults. We're gonna hug and kiss anyway, regardless of where we actually are this weekend. Why not try to help each other if at all possible and make it a semi-pleasurable experience. Like I have said - we dont hate each other. Things just went awry. Sometimes pulling a band aid off in one go isnt the best way of treating a wound.

[suresuresure]

Sometimes pulling a band aid off in one go isnt the best way of treating a wound.

 

I don't think the band aid metaphor applies here. I'd say, assuming she truly doesn't want to get back together, this is more like picking at the open wound and not allowing it to heal. I do understand your actions though, and I hope everything goes well.