I've found pain once again

[Me and myself]

Tonight I was looking some old e-mails and I stumbled in the e-mail my ex sent me explaining me why we could not be together.

I've read it more than once and I remembered my answer to her. She told me our relationship had moments she will never forget, all our conversations, all the kisses, all the shared moments....then told me we could never be together because we were very similar exactly in the important things, our fears and how we react to them. We never were able to show affection to the other because we were both waiting for the other to take the first move. She also told me she would be very tender if she felt as being the most important thing for me. Because I was too afraid, I never show it to her.

When I read it again I can see she was being very sweet to me, showing me, in spite of all, she care for me. And you know what? When I remember my answer to her, I was cold and insensible. This e-mail made feel really bad again...

Today, when I remember all my relationships, I notice I was always seeking for approval. If I couldn´t get it, I start playing games, stupid games that were going harder, and harder until I get the approval I needed or until the relationship be degraded at the point of they brake up with me. And, I did it again...

 

I never knew what is to have someone fighting for me, for my love and I'm hurting so much because I know I might have been the cause of it.

I know this girl didn't made any move to make me feel secure but why should I blame her? I didn't made any, too!!!!

 

I realized I had been playing games after she broke up with me...In our final conversation I asked her for a second chance and I told he I was willing to change, I was willing to put aside all my fears, even if it takes a huge effort from me...I really wanted to fight for us but she said "NO, you will never change!". I felt so frustrated, and I am still...

 

And tonight, reading this e-mail again made me recall all these things, once again she didn't wanted to fight for me, to believe me....I'm feeling a piece of s**t.

I don't want to feel like this again. I know I'm far from healing...When I say healing I don't mean to forget her...Forget ex girlfriends that's what I've done all my life. When I say healing I mean to become a different man, more confident, with a higher self-esteem, who don't need to seek for approval and who don't need to play stupid games.

I'm really sad that I've only realized this so late....

[Locke2121]

Perhaps its exactly what you needed. You see your faults now. You need to find a way to be happy with what you are. To have a relationship that isn't contengent with you getting constant approval from your partner. Perhaps its time for that different man to emerge and take over for the insecure one that you are now. Its difficult, but that person is there.

 

And perhaps its time, if you can do it without sounding like the same needy person, to email your ex and tell her what you just told us. Thank her for her patience and ask her for her support as you remake yourself

 

Good luck!

[Me and myself]

Perhaps its exactly what you needed. You see your faults now. You need to find a way to be happy with what you are. To have a relationship that isn't contengent with you getting constant approval from your partner. Perhaps its time for that different man to emerge and take over for the insecure one that you are now. Its difficult, but that person is there.

 

I'm trying real hard to change myself. Sometimes I really don't know if I'm going in the right direction but, at least, now I'm aware about my behaviours and patterns..

 

And perhaps its time, if you can do it without sounding like the same needy person, to email your ex and tell her what you just told us. Thank her for her patience and ask her for her support as you remake yourself

 

When I was reading this thread , I got her reply to my previous e-mail. Her answer was a very long one, talking about so many issues: said that, once again, I have written her about important things instead of talking "eyes in the eyes", that we were not able to show affection for each other in a naturally, we were seeking different things, stating again that I was too cold and insensitive, that I dumped her two times, acting as an impulse and she could not consider to come back because of that...and that's right, I dumped her two times just to see if she will fight for me because I felt she didn't care much about me.

My head was a complete mess, with so many things to tell her....I thought to send her a simple answer saying only that I love her, nothing more.

That's when I read your sugestion above and said to myself "Why don't I stop right now these silly games? I really don't care what might happen or what she might think about me!" I had to get this out of my chest....

 

So, I sent her this letter:

_________________________________________

 

Xxxxx

 

I have so many things to say to you...some I had never told you before and others that only today I knew.

 

You know, the fact that our relationship didn't work made me look to all the relationships I had in my life and, only today, I realized that because of my insecurities, I was constantly looking for my girlfriends' approval.

If I could not get that, I start to play stupid games that were becoming harder and harder, not only to me but also to those girls who were with me. Today I know that the times I broke up with you, among other things, were part of these games just to know if you would fight for me.

 

I was thinking that I could get what I want acting this way but the outcome was only a degradation of my relationships to the point of not going anywhere, I was hurting the girls who were with me and, even worse, I was hurting myself.

What I feel for you made me look to what I've lost, to our relationship, and I noticed that I also have played these games with you, and I feel really bad because of that. I hope you can forgive me for having used you this way but I simply was not aware of what I was doing.

 

What I know today is that I don't want to feel this way again. I want to go away from you but not to forget you...To forget my ex-gfs that's what I have done for all my life when things went wrong. I just want to become a different man, better than I am today, more confident and with a higher self-esteem. I want to feel that I don't need anyone's approval and I don't want to play stupid games again.

Only now I know that this is the way to give more love to those around me, without fears and not letting my insecurities get in the way.

 

Altough I have not been showing you in the best way, your friendship is very important to me. I don't want to lose it!

 

I want to be able to come near you and tell you everything I felt when we were together, what I've done and why I've done it. It would be very important to me, to tell you this "eyes in the eyes"...if you accept to listen.

But to do it I just need time, time to look for myself and think more about what I've been doing in the last years.

 

Once again, let me thank you for making me look deeply to myself...only now I understood I was needing for it for a long time.

 

Now, if I could be near you I would hold you so tight....

 

Hope you'd be OK

 

Kiss

 

Xxxxx

--------------------------------

 

and her reply, one hour later was:

 

--------------------------------

Dear Xxxx

 

I guess it must have been hard for you to wrote that. I really appreciate how you've opened up your self with me this way and for trusting me to a point of telling me all this.

 

That's a fact, sometimes our insecurities and fears make us act in a wrong way without we are aware of it. Believe me, I really understand what you've said because, just like you, I'm and extremely insecure girl and I don't have much confidence in myself. I know it doesn't seems that way but, as you have already heard, not everything is just like what you see.

I like to give the others an image that, many times, has nothing to do with how I really am. A hard-shell to protect me from something that I don't really know what it is. I got used to use it and now it's very difficult for me to take it out, even knowing that I have a lot to win if I do it....

 

Do not ask for my forgiveness for having "used me", just like you said. I don't have nothing to forgive you. You act according your needs so there's nothing to forgive.

 

I can understand you really well because I know how important is to feel accepted and loved...But that's a fact, we must (and I'm talking for both of us) start to believe in ourselfs e give ourselfs more value. Only that way we can get the approval you are talking about. In fact, we don't have to prove nothing to anybody.

Who loves us, will love us just like we are, with our defects and virtues. Of course there are always something to improve but the essential is there, and who loves us can reach it.

 

I must confess you that my heart was not totaly directed towards you. I think I could never move on from my last relationship. I didn't want to be mean to you, at the time I though I had moved on and what I wanted more than anything was to be ok with you. But, because things didn't went very well right from the start, I hesitated and "gave up" from us. But I didn't looked for nothing more. I decided to stay this way.

 

Everytime you want and need me, you'll know where to find me. I will always be your Friend with a capital "F".

 

Kiss

 

Xxxxx

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In this reply she admitted, for the first time, what I always was suspected about: I was a rebound of her last relationship.

 

So, I do I feel now? I really don't know....confused, relieved, anxious, frustrated, a complete mess... I'm feeling really satisfied with myself 'cause I've told her everything I wanted to say, in a few lines. I was bruttaly honest, I've opened up my soul completely and touched the core of all my issues. But I'm feeling so vulnerable and fragile...I have told her everything and she can do whatever she wants with it. That's my gift for her birthday....

I must not expect nothing more from here, except a friendship, if and when I can meet her again. I will keep myself away, I won't call her, text her, e-mail her...however I think I must answer everytime she calls me, just for friendship's sake.

 

Sorry for the long post but I need to vent.

[sunday13]

It is good to learn... I think sometimes, we go through all these relationships that don't work out so we can improve ourselves...getting ready to be in a place where we can have a healthy and balanced relationship. Many times, before we can have a lasting relationship, we need to prepare ourselves. We think we are ready, but we are not. We wouldn't learn anything if breakups were easy! We'd just happily slide from one person to the next.

 

I wonder if the dumper feels a broken heart as well sometimes...

[Locke2121]

Wonderful! Now, hold on to that relief and satisfaction, and let all that other crap drain away! Today really is the first day of the rest of your life. Time to start remaking yourself into the confident man you want to be.

 

And I understand the rebound thing....very few rebound relationships work, but if you strive for it, I think that in the end, you will come out of this with a wonderful friend.

[Me and myself]

We wouldn't learn anything if breakups were easy! We'd just happily slide from one person to the next.

 

That's what I was doing in the past years. As I said I always forget the gf's as soon as the relationship ends....and today I can see what I have missed for so many years.

 

I wonder if the dumper feels a broken heart as well sometimes...

 

Yeah, they do. Believe me, I've been there already.

 

 

And I understand the rebound thing....very few rebound relationships work, but if you strive for it, I think that in the end, you will come out of this with a wonderful friend.

 

I would love to be a really good friend, as soon as I can see her only as a friend...I don't don't know how much it will take.