same old question, looking for quick validation

[disgruntledbaker]

don't think you need a lot of background info for this (and some of you already have it all anyway).

 

i have a strong feeling i already know what the answer will be, but i have to ask anyway.

 

it's been two months since the split, only two real conversations with the ex since then and both times i felt that not enough was said. in both conversations i hit on the main points: that i love her and want to be with her but i can't keep hitting my head against the wall she put up and getting rejected over and over so she needs to come to me if getting back together is ever going to happen, and until then being "just friends" isn't good enough for me.

 

obviously, i still want to reconcile. giving her the "time and space" she asked for. but every so often i stumble over some hints of what shes up to (or actively search them out because im being nosy). this week i got back most of my junk from our apartment where she still lives, and while unpacking i got whif after whif of "her". it was driving me bonkers all day, so today was one of those nosy days. and once again, i was just a little crushed when i saw that i was pushed out of her life just a little bit more in just a little way. taken off the myspace friends list (once again, despite being put back on it after the last time i was removed and the subsequent phone call).

 

in an emotionally distraught state, i wrote up six drafts of a letter that i thought put into words all the things i wanted to tell her that i either didn't say in the two times we've spoken or felt were lost in translation... so the question is should i send this letter or not? seems to me it probably qualifies as flailing or begging in a sense. and it also seems to me that while some may say this is me getting those last things off my chest and preparing to move on and heal, i feel that every time i see the number of her birthdate or get a whif of her scent or hear one of our many songs that im going to have a whole lot of new "stuff" to get off my chest, and i can't keep using that excuse...

 

i love her. but im not getting any love from her. which, i know, is extremely unhealthy and can't possibly lead to a successful relationship... but the heart doesn't seem to get that message.

 

the last time we spoke, it was when she called me and said "i love you, i miss you, and i want you to be my husband" and then over the course of the 3 hour conversation it changed to "i wish i could just get over you so i can see other people." which i think pretty perfectly sums up how confused she is...

 

so, in summary... do i send the stinkin' letter? will not sending it and upholding a shred of NC increase my chances at reconciliation (considering conversation doesn't seem to get us anywhere especially since she doesn't seek it out too frequently)

 

once again... sigh... i think i already know the answer. someone blow me away with surprise, please.

 

discuss amongst yourselves

[papalazarou]

 

so, in summary... do i send the stinkin' letter? will not sending it and upholding a shred of NC increase my chances at reconciliation (considering conversation doesn't seem to get us anywhere especially since she doesn't seek it out too frequently)

 

 

No you dont send it. Post it here.

 

As you said conversation isnt working so you must do something different. That something different will be NC.

 

I hate to say it but at the moment it could go either way with her confusion, so the best thing you can do is disappear, although I appreciate this is very difficult. Im sure she will respect you more for it as well.

[darkpumpkin]

Yes I agree NC is the best way. Nothing you say at this point will make her decide faster. You told her what you need in perviouse conversations and now it's time for her to figure it out...on her own.

[samross]

I wouldn't send it but I wouldn't give up. I know what you're feeling. I would try to let it air out for a bit with NC. When you do have contact with her again, try to approach the relationship without any conditions. You mentioned that just being friends wasn't good enough. Does she know this is how you feel? If so, she may feel pressured. If she's confused or feels likes she's under a lot of pressure then back off for a bit and see where it goes. I use the flower in the garden analog a lot. Imagine that there is a beautiful flower in you garden and you want it to grow more than anything. It needs love and attention but if you smother it with fertilizer and pull at it to make it grow faster - - guess what. You kill it. You have to let it grow on its own and just give what it needs at the right time. The trick is to know what that is. None of us can tell you that but we can tell what WON'T work. Let her know you're there, that you love her, but there's no pressure.

[Me and myself]

so, in summary... do i send the stinkin' letter? will not sending it and upholding a shred of NC increase my chances at reconciliation (considering conversation doesn't seem to get us anywhere especially since she doesn't seek it out too frequently)

 

disgruntledbaker

 

I am going to tell you how I handle the same situation...I won't tell you that it will bring your ex back, but I can tell you it make me take out a lot of things from my chest.

I started NC with my ex two weeks after she broke up. I went straight into it during one month. Never contacted her, deleted her contact in MSN, avoid to look at her site, etc. I was feeling so bad that the simple fact of not knowing nothing about her gave me some relief.

One month after she text me, with some invitation to meet her at a bar. I gave an excuse and said NO.

One week after, she text me again to go for a coffee, I said NO again. Then, I took the opportunity that she gave me to write a letter saying basically "If you really want to get back, I will be here. If not, stop calling me. Pretend that I don't exist!"

Of course, I also said her what I felt about many issues in our relationship which I never had told her.

To send this letter gave me the opportunity to take a lot of weight from my shoulders, the opportunity to tell her that I'm here but not forever, that I also made some mistakes that made me think that I need to improve myself as a person and that I'm determined to do it.

 

I she never had contacted me, I believe I would never send the letter.

 

BTW, she never replied...but at least I'm feeling much better.

[disgruntledbaker]

sigh...

 

so i guess im burying the letter. and i suppose i should think about moving to a new forum. holding out hope of coming back together doesn't seem to make it any more likely.

 

i found more of her things, things she'll probably want back. that pretty much gaurantees that i'll run into her again in the future.

 

that really blows. blues, here i come again. goin' under.

[Me and myself]

so i guess im burying the letter. and i suppose i should think about moving to a new forum. holding out hope of coming back together doesn't seem to make it any more likely.

 

i found more of her things, things she'll probably want back. that pretty much gaurantees that i'll run into her again in the future.

 

disgruntledbaker, I really don't want to put you down but I think you should forget all the hopes you might have. Stop trying to find new strategies to get near her. She will notice what you are trying to do. And will pull you back even more...Stop all the contacts with her, put yourself together, be honest with yourself and think about what went wrong and, if she contacts you, tell her what you feel.

May I sugest one thing? Start today to write a letter to her, but don't send it.

In a few days, write another one, but don't send it...and so on..

If you will be able to be honest with yourself and about the relationship break up, you will notice the differences between all the letters that you've wrote.

 

And stay with us, we would love to help you going through this.

[disgruntledbaker]

i guess i didn't express myself properly... i seriously am not looking forwards to seeing her again. im not really trying to arrange anything. finding that i had more of her things was upsetting, not encouraging because i might get another rendezvous...

 

shes not the same girl anymore. the parts of her that made me feel good to be around her are gone. im just miserable whenever shes involved now.

 

i've sort of been trying and failing at re-assembling myself for the last two months. i think holding onto a flame or a glimmer of hope is the reason for that.

 

the letter writing exercises, i did a lot of that during the first month after the breakup. the letters definitely evolved even over that short time, but now just the exercise itself is misery-invoking.

 

i just want it all to be over.

[Wandering_Sword]

I understand how you feel bro, sometimes (I'm on my 3rd month of NC) I wished it would just be done with, but its that very same feeling that will propel you out of your current funk. You'll get so tired of it that you will do something about it and that is the first turning point. Sometimes getting fed-up with something will be enough motivation for you to start moving on. In the future, the feeling may crop up again, but it never stays for too long.

So hang in there and keep strong, it always gets better.

[disgruntledbaker]

i actually ran into a quote, can't for the life of me remember where it was or even who put it there, but it said something to the effect of:

 

if you are defined by your relationship with someone else, that means you are too boring to be of interest by yourself.

 

between being fed up with grief and disappointment and doing some serious retrospection over the last few weeks, i've come to the conclusion that this is a direct slap in my face and i need to (as you so eloquently put, wandering sword) propel myself out of my current funk and be an interesting individual again.

 

wow, where did i go wrong...

[Wandering_Sword]

You didn't go wrong, you were just in love. A love that was deep and profound, so much so that the ex never quite grasped it or if she did, never gave its full due. She'll see one day and if she doesn't, then feel sad for her and give her your pity.