Learning to Love Again

[kate111]

A few people have mentioned to me that when they have been dumped, they end up finding someone better anyway. The theory is that you rediscover yourself, develop yourself as a person and learn a whole heap about yourself from the break up.

 

Then when yoou look back yoou realise that the new partner is way better than the old one.

 

Not sure whether this is a myth to make people feel better, whether it is objectively true (ie you really change for the better) or whether it is a matter of perception.

 

What do you think?

[Hayles]

I see it as simply as this..... Once you have loved, been loved and then had your heartbroken, you look for those same good qualities again next time, but with less of the negative - or worrying qualities... which means ultimately - you're taking a step up each time you move on!

I like to see it like every time we experience a relationship, the lessons in it are actually ones you will need for when you meet your soulmate - it's all preparation!

[kate111]

^ hmm. Yes that makes sense.

 

Also, when I broke up with an ex about 5 years ago, he was heartbroken. But he says that in retrospect he is glad it happened because it made him a better person.

 

He also said he saw me flounder around after we broke up, going out with people he thought were not my equal. He said he had to examine his life and make it better, whilst I just repeated the same mistakes.

 

I still love this guy. I don't want to get back with him, but he has always been someone I respected and have alot of time for.

 

So does this mean that sometimes the dumped ARE better off than dumpers in the long term sometimes?

[Dako]

Hopefully you learn what works for you and what doesn't.

Next time around, you have a fresh slate and don't repeat your own dumb mistakes, hopefully with someone more compatible. The result can be a better relationship.

 

Or not.

[crystal67]

Kate

 

What will be. will ne BUT i think what you have been told is a myth. There is no doubt that we learn from every relationship, and i do believe that we "choose" our relationships, whether consciously or not.

 

I was a teenage bride and was married for 12 yrs before my husband ended our marriage to continue a relationship with another woman who had 5 kids to different fathers!

 

bizarre as it may seem, once i had gotten over the betrayal, i actually felt quite proud of him. He has left her many times since, and my door is the first one he knocks on - not because he thinks he can get an easy lay - we have never slept together since he left, but he does know that i care for him, and he's the father of my kids, and i want him to be settled.

 

So, in answer to your question, you really do change for the better, depending on ur personality type, and it can prove to be a really positive situation, so long as you know where your boundaries lie

[Cyprian]

Then when yoou look back yoou realise that the new partner is way better than the old one.

 

I just don't know if any one person is "better" than another...

 

I guess you mean "better" suited for you in a relationship, right? In that case, I sure as hell hope so!

[kate111]

Somebody you think is "better" then.

 

I know I loved this ex more than last ex for instance and we much more compatible.

 

I thought he was the end of the road actually, and that we would always be together.

 

But am wondering if in time I will realise that he wasn't quite right and my new partner will seem even better.

[kate111]

I'm afraid of being one of those people who don't get over their ex. That someone I love just as much won't come along. That I will never love as hard or faithfully again.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think each person you learn to love is better than the last because you get lessons from each love experience that teaches you what to look for and look out for, in the next relationship. But then, sometimes, particularly when you love someone so much, it sometimes can be hard to let that go, or let the dream go.

[soccer14]

I guess I agree with that. After a break up, when we get over it we decide to move on. It makes us stronger, but sometimes brings is down. Right now i'm at the end of relationship(not ended by me) and it kills me, but it lets me know what I need to do next time, and how to be stronger.

[Mr. Stealth]

Then when yoou look back yoou realise that the new partner is way better than the old one.

 

Not sure whether this is a myth to make people feel better, whether it is objectively true (ie you really change for the better) or whether it is a matter of perception.

 

 

Well i personally think its a myth...

why?

because otherwise we only would have 2 relationships in our live

a bad one (the ex) and a good one (the new partner witch is sooo mutch better)

so it would be stupid to think like this.

the only thing i can think of, is that when people fall in love with someone else they always tend to see only the good things.

===> they look trough those love glasses

every time you find another love the new one is so mutch better than the old one.

it's like buying a computer. the latest one is always better

and this is the sneaky part of all.

the new love is mysterious, there is alot to explore, there is a change in habbits, those love feelings witch you lost by your ex are ignited again, that feeling being in heaven is sooo addictive. and hey..... we are looking trough our loveglasses again.

but even when you get a new lover.

people forget somethimes that everybody has a good and a bad side. believe me everybody has at least one bad side.

and this is the tricky part. how good can you handle the bad sides (habbits) of your new partner or how mutch do you want to change yourself to let a relation last.

and here we are again: do we break up or not

if we break up, then after a while we find someone else who we "THINK" witch is better again.

But the only thing i learned after my break ups is that it is really stupid to break up if there are no hard reasons for it.

i can understand if someone cheated or has used some violance.

But mostly its bad comunication. and im almost sure, that a lot of people really do miss there ex who they loved so mutch and regret it that they have left them.

but they are just afraid to take the first step again to make contact.

why? becouse then they have to admit that they do miss them or that they regret it they lost them.

 

So before you break up

dont handle in a hurry

try to think clear

and make sure you dont make the mistake of your life

it would be a pitty if you really love eachother.

[cantexplain]

^So does this mean that sometimes the dumped ARE better off than dumpers in the long term sometimes?

 

 

Interesting. Yes. I think that all the people who dumped me, save one, are not happy in their current relationships. They weren't happy with theirs with me. So should this really be any surprise?!

 

I've only dumped once and she was hands down the greatest. I even knew it at the time. My own self-esteem issues mixed with the wondering of being with other people led me to break it with her and start "experimenting" with people who just were not good relationship types. What a foppery!!

 

All in a life.

[pinkelephant]

A few people have mentioned to me that when they have been dumped, they end up finding someone better anyway. The theory is that you rediscover yourself, develop yourself as a person and learn a whole heap about yourself from the break up.

 

Then when yoou look back yoou realise that the new partner is way better than the old one.

 

Not sure whether this is a myth to make people feel better, whether it is objectively true (ie you really change for the better) or whether it is a matter of perception.

 

What do you think?

 

i definitely think so. people don't change unless something huge happens to them. and being dumped is definitely a blow to your ego.. some people take this and deal with it constructively, which is to rediscover yourself and build yourself. others do it badly and ends up worse...

 

i believe it's true. the way i look at things now, the way i can detach myself now, is wow compare to before. (not to blow my own horn and all

[onelittleladybug]

I have to agree with Mr. Stealth:

 

I think we all re-write history to make sense out of the loss. I think basically you get a few shots at it and for those who don't work out we have to rationalize why we messed up a perfectly good relationship. So we come up with all this stuff about how the ex wasnt the right one and how the new one is much better. But thats ok too because the important part is that we learn and at some point we get it right.

 

I don't think its so much about the next one being more "right for you" as you being better for them. The bad news is that you will definitely repeat some of your mistakes. The good news is that maybe you will do less of it.

[redsuede]

life can only be good if we truly know ourselves. when we find ourselves addicted, its only because we gave them so much of ourselves, that we forgot who we are. a break-up is always a perfect opportunity to find our true self.

[This is Horrible]

A few people have mentioned to me that when they have been dumped, they end up finding someone better anyway. The theory is that you rediscover yourself, develop yourself as a person and learn a whole heap about yourself from the break up.

 

Then when yoou look back yoou realise that the new partner is way better than the old one.

 

Not sure whether this is a myth to make people feel better, whether it is objectively true (ie you really change for the better) or whether it is a matter of perception.

 

What do you think?

 

 

 

once the fog cleared from me i identified a lot of flaws not only in my ex, but in me as well.

 

you cant change another person, but you can change yourself.

 

i am working on MY flaws and next time i will try to make sure i do a better job of finding someone with less flaws because i think i will love even greater the next time!