Back to square one - somebody give me a slap!

[littlebylittle]

Evening All,

 

After a promising few weeks getting over the ex I've hit a rough few days and am in need of a slap. Not a hug - A slap.

 

Broke up 12 weeks ago. Had 3 weeks NC during January. Work together so have some contact everyday during the whole period.

 

The Hard Facts

She has started seeing someone else (about 6 weeks after we split up)

She is moving 300 miles away

She leaves next Wednesday

 

...So Why?

Have I regressed to what feels like the first weeks after breaking up. For 3-4 weeks I was doing well and enjoying life. Found out she was moving away and that gave me some closure. Found out she is seeing someone else and that helped some more. BUT. For reasons I cannot explain to myself I'm starting to want her back all over again - ARRRGGHHHHHH

 

I thinking that maybe it is just the timing. The previous feelings of closure seem to have been false dawns, only now the 'real' end is near am I starting to accept things. I'm fairly confident I had done already - when I found out she was seeing someone I didn't feel too upset, I was almost happy that she'll have someone there for her (this thread "a final bruise, but at least it's closure" gives details for those interested ).

 

About that slap

Guys. I need you to remind me that SHE IS NOT COMING BACK. I know I don't need her anymore, that is fine, sure I want her back, but don't need her to be happy in my life.

 

SHE IS NOT COMING BACK.

 

The thing is - the volume of positive thinking I've put in as part of the healing process has put me in a place where I think I can achieve anything (...you know what I mean, it's like I'm permanently in that drunken 'superman' state, only sober of course).

 

So. Would some of you be kind enough to provide me with

 

1 - A slap and tell me to "move on, accept it, stop beating yourself up......the evidence is just too strong to suggest otherwise".

 

2 - Your thoughts on whether the fact that we work together actually means that, despite her new relationship, she will only really begin her healing process once she moves away?

 

SHE IS NOT COMING BACK (...come on damn brain, accept it)

 

 

Back up comments and thoughts appreciated.

[Wandering_Sword]

Okay here it goes...

 

She is not coming back! She has started seeing someone after only six weeks and has clearly moved on with her life. On top of everything she is giving it that extra stink by moving away and having a grand ol'time with the new beau.

 

Time for you to stare this right in the eye and spit in it. You are strong and you were strong before meeting her and YOU WILL get back to that place again. And when you do, you will wonder why you ever felt this down in the first place. This will be a tough battle indeed, it's like fighting Mike Tyson and the only thing you've been given to attack with is a pillow. Everything sucks but that's why were here all of us. We were all on that sinking boat but somehow we all built a a new boat together and stayed afloat. Come aboard and help us build that new boat...

[GoSox07]

littlebylittle,

 

I feel your pain, man. She's not coming back! My ex (of 2.5 years) moved away last Thursday (after 3 weeks of being broken up). For me, the next two days were really tough, but it got easier after that. If you look at it this way, you KNOW that you will not:

 

a. bump into her at a bar

b. be tempted to "swing through" her neighborhood

c. see her with somebody else

 

For me, it was the ultimate form of closure. I now feel more comfortable with the thought of going out on dates knowing she will not be here to see it (thereby ruining my "chances" to get back together). Yeah, it's still hard, and I have my bad moments just like everybody else. But, I think we are in a better position to move forward - there is no more "what if's" to think about. Just know that you did everything you could. Good luck.

[littlebylittle]

Thanks guys, just what I was after.

 

There are lots of benefits to her moving away and having moved on.....just a struggle for a few days.

 

I seem to be going back to my old ways of overthinking and taking the simplest of things and taking them to ridiculous conclusions.

 

The ex has splilt up from two previous ex's, got together with a new man, or a few, then ulitimately gone back the original?!??!!

 

I guess I'm still having that "but we were meant to be" that we all get, I'm dismissing it but can't stop it popping into my head!

 

Thanks again.

[Locke2121]

BAM!!! GET OVER HER!

 

There you go. Course its alot harder than that isn't it? But in a way, this is a good thing. She's leaving, moving far enough away that the chances of you seeing her are nil. This makes NC that much easier for you. You know your not going to bump into her on the street and have all those feeling come rushing back. Now you can start to really get on with your life. Good luck dude!

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

SLAP! You are a great person and will be valued by someone else sometime in this life. This was just a lesson so you can value that new someone even more!

[friscodj]

The Hard Facts

She has started seeing someone else (about 6 weeks after we split up)

She is moving 300 miles away

She leaves next Wednesday

 

If I posted this and asked you for advice, and then asked you to tell me why she would come back, what would you tell me?

[littlebylittle]

Very good way of putting it friscodj.

 

I'd said "are you ******* stupid. What else do you want her to do - kick you in the b**ls?"

 

I'll just have to accept it's just a weak day on my part.

 

Thanks.

[Parsley]

You've reminded me time after time not to beat myself up for having down days. So....DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP FOR HAVING DOWN DAYS!

 

Expect and anticipate setbacks. I got majorly setback when the ex contacted me after about a month, because I just told myself "I'll be ok by now, if he contacted me I could handle it" I didn't actually stop and set out the situation in my mind and really let myself think that it wouldn't be fine. That I'd probably be far from fine.

 

You are *clearly* going to be far from fine when she leaves. I think I'd be a lot more surprised if you turned up here saying that when she left you just went "kay, seeya!" out the corner of your mouth with both eyes still on your work. So just try and mentally prepare yourself for that happening. Have plans to go out after or the next day or whatever.

 

You want a slap...ok. *slap*. I'll have you know that that was a little half-hearted.

 

After she goes you don't have to worry anymore. My guess is that knowing she was leaving has kind of held you back. I did have another point to back that up but it has shot out of the window and I don't have a clue what I'm twittering on about anymore. I do apologise.

 

So yeah...*slap*...but then a hug because you're off-guard because of the slap.

[littlebylittle]

Thanks Parsley, once again you're very kind.

 

You're right with all you say, but as you know sometimes logic and good reason go out of the window when emtions become involved.

 

I'm pretty much dreading the actual day she leaves. Before that date I have her leaving do to contend with. I don't think it's a good idea I stay out, I think I'll just show up, have a drink and take myself elsewhere - otherwise I know exactly what will happen and it will be carnage.....not to mention I'd never forgive myself for the lack of dignity I'd show.

 

I think you are spot on that I haven't really moved on as I've known this date was going to come at some point, before that I'd been holiding out hope for a reconciliation.

 

It may be wishful thinking and I'm determined to get rid of the thought, but I can't help thinking "she'll be back".....NIGHTMARE!

 

....and thanks for the slap-hug combo.

[onelittleladybug]

She is not coming back unless she is and until then she isn't.

 

Does that make sense? It means whatever you see right now is what it is.

 

And a warning: Her moving will in my experience feel like breaking up all over again. I thought I shouldn't do NC because of my ex moving 850 miles away. We lived together. It was not easy. It happened 2.5 months post breakup. It sent me right back to square one again except I forgot how angry and hurt I was for a while. It was hell on earth and it made everything so much worse even if I thought I was prepared. So my advice to you: NC NC NC. Learn from my mistakes. My only regret is not starting NC immediately after the breakup and sticking with it even when he left. It took me 6 months to go into full NC, but I was a few weeks into NC when he left and we decided to spend some time together and say goodbye and that destroyed me for months. He sent me a love letter when he arrived and I thought it meant we would get back together... He didn't, the letter was just inspired by the drama of the goodbye. I'm just warning you. This situation you're in SUCKS. I'm very sorry. But the good news is it can only get better from here.

 

On a lighter note - I was completely devastated by the breakup but I tried to start something 6 weeks after. It was stupid and a bad judgment and it didn't turn into anything. Sometimes rebounds turn into something but most of the time they are just a really bad idea.

 

Is her new guy going with her? And how long were you together?

[littlebylittle]

Thanks onelittleladybug

 

It sure does make sense.

 

Thanks for the warning. I'm anticipating that. Especially as we work together, it's not like I've gradually seen less of her - I still see her 8 hours a day so it will be a double whammy of her leaving work AND moving away. I anticipate a tough week next week. Wednesday is D day so expect a few posts.....

 

My intention is to go full NC from the day she leaves. I will not contact her. But, I have said she can contact me if needs be, I care about people so wouldn't want to completely shut out my support for someone that needs it, don't worry, this isn't me holding out false hope - I just couldn't ignore someone in need.

 

Sorry to hear about the letter. That is something I dread - knowing how my mind works I'll instantly assume exactly the same as you. I'm hoping that she has so much to do moving into a new city, getting a new job etc that it'll be several weeks before she contacts me, in which case I'm hoping to have moved on.

 

As for rebound. As I've mentioned in my other post (a final bruise..) she's had 4 2year+ relationships in the last 12 years, interspersed with lots of 3 month relationships. On 2 occasions she's split up with someone, had a few relationships in between, then got back with that person. She has a pattern of behaviour that I pity really. But I've been through this in my other post so won't open that debate again! In short, I don't see this relationship lasting and would predict I'll get an email or text in 6-8 weeks saying "hi, how are things" and I'll know that she's already binned the rebound. I'm desperately hoping I'll be strong enough to ignore her or better still say "do I look like a doormat" (meow!).

 

Her new guy lives where she is moving to, whilst she is moving 'back home' effectively and back to her friends I have no idea what level of weight her meeting this new chap had in her decision making process. I'm confident her mind was made up already, this just sealed the deal I imagine.

 

We were together for 15 months. With a 3 week split about halfway into that, after which she came back and said she couldn't be without me...!

 

She's certainly led a messy life. Maybe I had a lucky escape?!

[onelittleladybug]

I know that before I moved to Southern California from Iceland I was dying to find someone to move with me. And I was pretty quick to find a bf about 2 months later when here. He of course was a complete a-hole and there was no future in it. The thing is its hard to see these things while you're right in the middle of it.

 

Some people don't believe that relationships need work, they think that the reason things are tough is that they're with the wrong person. In my opinion those are the people tend to have 2 year relationships. Did you know that statistically people most often break up around the 2 year mark? Its because thats when the reality of the relationship takes over. I know that wasn't your case but its interesting huh?

 

I think her moving will throw her grieving process off and extend it. Like you said - she will be busy with a lot of new things. When finally the mundane reality sinks in it will finally hit her. Most likely you will be in a much better place with all this before her. Thats only a prediction but thats what I'm guessing though.

[littlebylittle]

Your middle paragraph is her to an absolute tee.

 

She is a firm believer that if it is right it requires no work. Well, I've given this quite a bit of thought. Along with the grieving process as a whole and have come to the conclusion that this is utter tripe. In my experience the only way we grow is through adversity, given the number of times she's made the same mistake and RAN RAN RAN I can't see that changing anytime soon. I don't think she is any stronger or more capable of facing conflict and hard-times now than 10 years ago.

 

If I'm honest I think that she has exited this relationship very much the same person that entered it. She has a little more confidence but that seems to be ebbing away each day. I think that I've actually been on a journey. I've come out so much stronger than before, sure I'm not healed by any stretch of the imagination. However, I seem to have changed my entire life, my whole sense of self has shifted and for the first time in my life I'm happy with whom I see in the mirror. I'm grateful for that, if nothing else. I've said it before but the irony is that I had to get dumped to become the person I am now - who would never have been dumped in the first place (well, as far as I can see...?!)

 

Your prediction is spot on. In 2 months she'll be doing the day to day things, her relationship will have ended OR have exited the honeymoon phase and as with every other time she'll be looking to run. As a minimum I know I'll be hearing from her. I hope she finds happiness but I don't think she will until she can face her own problems, given she doesn't even acknowledge there existence this is not going to happen anytime soon. I have and am facing my own problems and feel stronger for it as a result, I'd like to think she'll experience some personal growth too - as a result of us.

 

I guess the thing I find hardest of all is her lack of willing to try and the bottom line - she left as a result of me being insecure but did nothing to try and help change that - it was all my problem. I know it was only me that could actually change that, I FULLY ACCEPT THAT, but still find it hard to think she didn't want to try.

 

Thanks again onelittleladybug, it's always helpful to hear a womans perspective, gives me some insight into what she'll now be going through.

 

Hopefully one day she'll realise just what she threw away (that's the bitter me talking as I know it doesn't actually achieve anything!).