Nosey people! -Rant from a knocked-up lady

[BellaDonna]

In recent days, my husband and I are trying very hard to maintain our patience with our families (most particularly his side) because they keep getting in our business- majorly.

 

We've tried to be nice and brush off comments- but it's getting very sickening and I think my husband might snap.

 

So far, every time we have seen his step mother and his aunt- they keep interrogating us- asking all kinds of questions. Just last night they asked what we planned to do for childcare and started essentially lecturing us on how they do not think I should return to work.

 

Please enlighten me. What happens during pregnancy in which people suddenly think they can give you their opinion, however and whenever they want?

 

It would be one thing if they were OFFERING TO HELP with childcare- but they are not. They are just being nosey for the sake of argument. My husband got really annoyed and said "This is not the 1920's, women do work after having children. When you tell my wife not to go to work, do you plan on paying her salary while she's at home? If not I don't want to hear it!"

 

My husband and I have a solid plan. I will stay out for 6 months and when I return, I will return to work full time- but work from home half of that time- the other days when I'm in the office my mother and another relative have offered to help us- and we both feel comfortable with the level of care they can provide. (It's preferable to daycare- plus they live right near where I work so I can go see the baby during my lunch)

 

I just get annoyed when everyone else thinks they know what's best for us. They make it seem like we are somehow stupid making a "bad" decisions for both working.

 

grrrrr

 

We've decided to no longer even entertain these kind of discussions in the future amd just say "we have it figured out, thanks".

 

BellaDonna

[Zaphod]

You could take the pacifist attitude, smile and nod sweetly then totally ignore them and go off and do what you think.

 

But I know it tries the patience. I reckon it's just thoughtlesness on their part because they are excited. Sweet but misguided.

[Ash]

Sounds like a decent way to handle it. It is YOUR lives after all.

 

They most likely think that since they've already been through it, they have all the answers and you have none of them. Better if they keep their thoughts to themselves and just smile smugly if that's not the way they would do it.

 

If you actually ASK for advice on the other hand, then of course it would be welcome.

 

Mayhe the people pushing their thoughts have some pent up disaapointments with the way they did things and are projecting that, who knows!

 

I will say thought, it's totally dumbfounding the number of people who seem to know better when it comes to all of this. (eg, we have six kids between us, my sister who has none seems to have all the answers on child rearing!)

 

Listen politely, nod, say nothing and ignore them doing whatever you like; or simply tell them what you've relayed to us. Both are certainly ways to handle this.

 

I think you know what you're doing. You know which advice to heed and which to leave. And if you get it slightly wrong on your own, then you'll adapt and learn, right?

[Dako]

Bored yentas show their true colors.

I agree with saying you've got it worked out, and leave it to them to pump you for info. They'll tire of the game.

[BellaDonna]

If we were rich, we would love to be able to have one of us stay home....but it's just not realistic unless we want to lose our house, our savings, and general quality of life!

 

 

I will say thought, it's totally dumbfounding the number of people who seem to know better when it comes to all of this.

That's what truly drives me crazy- when people make dumb suggestions without even thinking logically or practically first. ](*,)

 

Obviously we can't say: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

But it's sure tempting. lol I really think he's going to snap. He is less reserved around them than I am because it's his family.

[isisastaria]

Well, I think it can be common for families to be nosey because they feel responsible. They think that baby is part of their family and it's their job to help. Are you sure they are just being judgemental? Maybe they are just trying to help.

 

I know when I had my kids it was nothing as I expected. The plan was to go back to work...do this and that...work it out perfectly.

 

With my son I took him to daycare while I went to school full time. He unfortunately didn't do well in school thereafter. That was around the time the state sent out notices to be distributed by all childcare facitilies their new findings. This was that full time child care children do not do as well emotionally or academically as their peers with a stay-at-home parent.

I was so disturbed by this incident, I stayed home with my next child and this child has done exceptionally better than my first.

 

This is why I think it's great you have your parents to help and that you can work from home part time!!!!

 

I just really hope all goes as planned. Babies don't sleep and they actually bring a parent's life expectancy rate down quite a bit!! (Doesn't mean it isn't worth it).

 

Maybe these nosey relatives are just worried that things may be harder than you are anticipating (happens with every first time parent). You are in fact a first timer, right? LOL

 

I would say, "Thank you". And then tell them you heard them. Let them know you have considered it. Heck! Tell them they are right!!! It doesn't mean they are!!! Just don't participate in such dysfunction!

[BellaDonna]

I think in the case of his aunt- she is not trying to be fresh- but his stepmother just does it to hear herself talk. She has always been judgemental of everything my husband does ( a real life example of an evil stepmother) He hates her to the core, (he has since he was a little boy) but remains cordial with her for his father's sake.

 

You are in fact a first timer, right?

 

Yep. This the first one.

 

I'm sure it's going to be a challenge and not a piece of cake. But I'm confident in our decisions. I would not mind if they asked once- but they bring it up every time we see them, even though they already know our stance on the topic. I guess that's what bothers me the most.

 

Thanks for listening to my rant.

 

BellaDonna

[isisastaria]

What if you looked them both in the eye, and said, "We do not want to hear anything further on the issue. We are confident in our decisions. If you would like to help, we will let you know when the time comes. We do not want to hear another word about it." Leave it at that. If they do it again, have a plan to get up and walk out or have an excuse that you need to be somewhere and leave. Every time.

[vandgsmom]

I am sorry you are having to endure any kind of added stress during these months when you should be able to treasure every moment,

however

Even in the case of the evil stepmother, and the aunt that just dosen't understand, and Ash's sister who has no children.... advice is usually given out of some kind of love. Even in a know-it-all, there is a modicum of good intent there underlying, and sometimes I know you just want to burst and scream "SHUT UP!" at them, but remember that you don't want your baby to grow up and feel that its appearance was the cause that Daddy and Mommy don't speak to Grandma so and so anymore...

 

Things NEVER EVER go as planned... but alot of times they go BETTER.

 

Keep in mind that these people may not understand you, or feel that you are competent yet, but they do love you in their misguided ways.

 

Buena Suerte, BD...

[Dilly]

YOu know, all I have to say is --- be very very happy that your husband is supportive of you. It's very easy for hubby's and partners to be extremely wilted by this kind of verbal whipping they get from family. I think it's great that you and he and able to present a united front. THAT makes all the difference, that along with the fact that YOUR own parents are in town. NICE, very NICE!

[BellaDonna]

I agree. I could not imagine dealing with this if he was not on my team.

 

I've developed a new appreciation for my family too- they have their faults as we all do- but at least one thing they have not done is pressure us. They have said that if we need to talk or have any questions they are here for us- but they do not lecture or over-step.. They are staying out of our business- they only thing they are annoying about is finding out the sex. lol

 

At least the pressure is not coming from both sides though.

 

BellaDonna

[Ash]

And at the risk of hijacking your thread a tad, it is understood all too well what the influence of others in such a situation can be. In our case it's a judgement issue. We're worried about telling my parents of our pregnancy because they might be judgemental. We're not in the best of positions to bring another one into the world but that is of course what's happening. And it's not like this is anything all that earth shatteringly new for us because we've already got a lot of kids between us. They have their best intentions and our best wishes at heart I realize, but still ... we have some trepidations.

 

I guess what it all means is there are different reasons for wanting things to work out in a certain way, and the advice and/or judgement of others is something we have to accept as coming from what they feel to be a helpful and loving basis even though to us it can appear as an intrusion. A couple of the posters have made excellent points on this and I think their comments are quite valuable to many expecting parents. Thanks to all of you for that!

 

Here ... you can have your thread back again.

 

And yes, it's very good that your partner is totally on your side.

[justpaisley]

What happens during pregnancy in which people suddenly think they can give you their opinion, however and whenever they want?

 

They've all done it before! And since they've done it and you haven't, that makes them the experts in all things pregnancy and children, and it makes you a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragging idiot. Heaven forbid they've done it well - that'll make their sanctimoniousness even stronger.

 

We've decided to no longer even entertain these kind of discussions in the future amd just say "we have it figured out, thanks".

 

PERFECT!!!! These "helpful" suggestions will never, ever end, and the sooner you're able to brush them off, the better. It won't stop at your family - have you told your co-workers yet? They'll give you helpful suggestions. When you start to show and when you have the baby, it gets much worse. There are so many facets of parenting that people just know that they're the experts on, when in reality, the only person that is the expert on parenting your child and maintaining your family is YOU. Every child, every family is different. You do what works for YOU.

 

My mother-in-law is like this. She's the damn expert in everything, though, not just parenting. Thank God I have my own mom to balance things out. She'll help me in a nano-second in a non-judgemental way if I need help, but she literally never throws in her 2 cents without me asking first. Remind me to tell my mom how much I love and appreciate her today.

[BellaDonna]

The first person to ever lecture me about pregnancy was actually my chiropractor. I had to tell him I was pregnant early on so he could adjust me differently. I got his .02 cents.

 

My husband and I have also decided on an elective c-section before we even conceived. We are not telling anyone though because they will DEFINITELY have strong opinions on it. We don't want to go there. I'm not telling my chiropractor either. He'll jump down my throat- his wife gives birth at home.... I know he'd lecture me.

 

My in-laws would surely lecture us about that too. So we're

 

I think there are many choices for birth, and it is a very personal thing between the woman and her partner- yet there are so many people quick to pass judgement. Many of them are other women! I would never imagine telling a woman and her partner what to do with their bodies and how they "must" have their child in a particular way (whether it be at home, at the hosptial, c-section, or natural and drug free).

 

And then once the kid is here...there's all that parenting advice (dictation) lol

 

Thank God I have my own mom to balance things out. She'll help me in a nano-second in a non-judgemental way if I need help, but she literally never throws in her 2 cents without me asking first. Remind me to tell my mom how much I love and appreciate her today.

 

My mom is this way too, which is very helpful.

[Ash]

My husband and I have also decided on an elective c-section before we even conceived. We are not telling anyone though because they will DEFINITELY have strong opinions on it.

 

One thing on this, and you'd likely think of or run accross it anyway. Make sure the doctor doing the delivery knows if your husband wants to see the actual birth or not. Your husband can just be down near your head behind the screen if he doesn't. (I didn't want to see, but they had me look anyway and I regret it, but that's just me).

[justpaisley]

Take solace in the fact that you'll do better than this when/if your daughter/daughter-in-law has babies!!!

[rocio]

Get used to it because it's only going to get worse once the child comes. When the kid has trouble training to use the toilet, they'll blame it on your choice not to stay home with her. When she starts lying regularily, they'll say it's because of the other kids in the daycare (also, thereforeeee, your fault). When she turns 13 and starts smoking and getting piercings, they'll probably still be blaming it on you. So get comfortable.

 

About returning to work - there are mothers who stay home with their kids and are so emotionally detached from the situation that they don't provide for the kids' basic needs. There are other mothers who work full-time and yet are in tune with their kids needs and are 100% there for their kids. I worked in a daycare for a couple years and there was an obvious difference between the families that centered around the kids and their needs, and the families that didn't. The kids from good families would come to daycare on a Monday morning full of great stories to share about the funny things mom and dad did, the cool trips they took, the friends they played with... The kids from bad families would either come with no stories at all, or would give us the full scoop on their parents' arguments, fights and personal lives.

 

Daycare can also be great for kids development, something that older generations tend not to realise. Because they are surrounded by kids their age and older, they have peers to try and copy and tend to develop faster than when they are only in the company of adults. I personally think that part-time daycare is the optimal situation, although any childcare situation can be ideal as long as the parents are fully checked-in to their kids needs.

[BellaDonna]

One thing on this, and you'd likely think of or run accross it anyway. Make sure the doctor doing the delivery knows if your husband wants to see the actual birth or not. Your husband can just be down near your head behind the screen if he doesn't. (I didn't want to see, but they had me look anyway and I regret it, but that's just me).

 

Yeah- he already knows he wants to stay near my head and not see any blood/gore. He's made that clear. I think I'd have a much easier time watching it than he would. He cannot view surgeries even when they are on TV- I find them fascinating.

 

But I'll be sure to tell the doc just in case. I'll be nervous so I'll want him where I can see him anyways.

 

BellaDonna

[Ash]

Yeah- he already knows he wants to stay near my head and not see any blood/gore. He's made that clear. I think I'd have a much easier time watching it than he would. He cannot view surgeries even when they are on TV- I find them fascinating.

 

But I'll be sure to tell the doc just in case. I'll be nervous so I'll went him where I can see him anyways.

 

BellaDonna

 

He's like me then. It'll be nice (I think) that he's there.

 

He can take the camera, not for the messy stuff, but to have it to take pic's of your brand new baby. Likely what they'll do as at some point soon after birth, while you're still on the table getting stitched back up they'll hand the baby to you and him to hold for a couple of minutes. That's the first photo op ever for the three of you and by that time one of the nurses, or the anethetist (there is likely to be one present to handle your medication, in fact I think there HAS to be one) will be freed up enough to take a picture or two of the three of you. (That's the first picture of our young son on his first year video compilation and it's a great start to the story of his life).

[BellaDonna]

I've been prepping him for it- having him watch videos of c-sections online- not gory ones- but ones that dads took of their wives and kid when they stayed behind the curtian.

 

Frankly I could not go through it without having him there....I know he'll want to be the first to hold the baby too.

 

I'm sure it will all work out- if we can keep "nosey people" out of it. I don't want people to scare him (I fear his relatives might do that)

 

BellaDonna

[Scout]

Well, I think it can be common for families to be nosey because they feel responsible. They think that baby is part of their family and it's their job to help.

 

That's a good point, and one I'll try to keep in mind, myself. Because I have also experienced the strong (and unasked for) opinions, as Bella has. Everything from my sister ripping into the name I first picked out, to my boyfriend's sister telling us, "Make sure she doesn't use pain relief! It's bad for the baby! She should have a totally natural childbirth!"

[BellaDonna]

She should have a totally natural childbirth!"

 

Oh God.....

 

Thats' what I'm talking about. Personally I would never take it upon myself to tell another woman what to do with her body (lets' face it, her vagina!). I think birth is such a personal experience for a couple, I would never imagine telling them what to do.

 

Just ignore it, Scout. You have your baby the way you want to- and don't be shy about telling people to stay out of the delivery room if you don't want them there either. The hospital staff will help with that.

 

The one really good thing that I appreciate about a c-section is that only the father is allowed in the room- and the nurses also "protect" you while you're in recovery so people don't come barging in right after you have the baby. Those first moments with the newborn are so important. I know I'll only want myself and my husband there for that time.

 

We're not even telling people we're having a scheduled c-section. We are going to call them only once I'm out of the recovery room- when we're ready.

 

BellaDonna

[Ash]

The one really good thing that I appreciate about a c-section is that only the father is allowed in the room- and the nurses also "protect" you while you're in recovery so people don't come barging in right after you have the baby. Those first moments with the newborn are so important. I know I'll only want myself and my husband there for that time.

 

The kids I had with my ex-wife were all natural. Her immediate recovery time was fairly quick so there was certainly time for the three of us to spend a few quite hours together. We didn't actually spend all that long in the birthing suite before going into a normal hostipal room. We had brief visits by friends and family seemingly within minutes of birth.

 

It was different with the section though. There was a two or three hour period where we were in a recovery room and pretty much for most of that time I got to hold the baby. I felt almost guilty about it. Of course, there were no visitors allowed. It's perhaps the quietest things ever were or have been for the year prior or almost year and a half post! Nothing else to do other than share the first few hours of your new babies life but at a time when you and the baby are actually still being 100% cared for by nurses and doctors. I hope the three of you get to enjoy that time.

 

Only one comment on names. We worked hard to pick ones that wouldn't get turned into negative nick names (we hope!), initials that wouldn't spell something weird etc. In other words, think of the more non-obvious aspects of the names as well. We actually didn't decide on a name until we saw him (the youngest that is). We figured if he already had a name in mind, he'd let us know!

[scarew]

Sorry to hear you're seeing the beginning of the 2 cents part of pregnancy. I struggled alot with that in the beginning. People being nosey and asking stupid obvious questions like, "Where is the baby going to sleep?" "Who is going to watch the baby while you're in school?". Its like geez, we never thought of that before we decided to get pregnant! Of course we have it all planned out our own way that works best for US!

 

When you start to show lots you will get strangers telling you what you should and should not do. Thats even more fun. So try to practice letting it roll off your back.

 

The thing is, it doesnt matter if you decided to stay home or went back to work, have a c-section or a natural birth, decided to find out the sex or not, you will get negative contrasting opinions on ALL the decisions you make.

 

I just give people short, definative answers so they have nothing to go on. I tune out and smile and nodd until they feel stupid for listening to themselves talk for fifteen minutes. Hang in there belladonna!