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i hope that one day...i will have a better life. real friends. a real world.


i feel so lonely and alone sometimes. so sad. so unwanted. unhappy.


i came out of that abusive relationship broken...and to do something better for myself, i started to work at a company. the people there were young....i was excited. i thought i might find friends.


but they lied, were two-faced, backstabbed me. every interaction became a hidden slap in the face, getting worse and worse. it was terrible to be down and out and to feel like you're getting kicked and beaten down all over again. i got even more broken there. what's even worse than one person against you is when you have a bunch of people gang up on you. that hurts. it hurts deeply.


i hurt. i had to limp away. to try and start again. i hurt. i hope what was done to me will be done to them in return. it made me so sick to be mistreated when i was already suffering.


i hope one day.....i will have a better life. im not dead yet. but im in pain. i want to be happy and live a good life.


from all of you, i ask for prayers and wellwishes if possible. and for those that hurt me to have what they did to me, done to them.

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i decided to stop blaming myself. whenever a relationship with a person ends or turns out badly - i always blame myself. i blame myself if i am treated badly or if i get hurt. i blame myself.......i criticize myself and say "if only i were more beautiful", "more perfect", "more this or that" then....."he/she wouldn't treat me this way."


but i think the bottom line is...the way one person treats another is a reflection of who they are. not who i am. bottom line: decent people just don't treat others like that.


a guy i liked - he used to flirt with me, i thought he was nice. but later i found out he had a reputation for being two-faced. he was nice to me only to hurt me very deeply afterwards. i was so confused. i couldn't tell if i was being played or if i really had done something wrong. i tried so hard to communicate and to make things right. but no matter what i did, i couldn't change things, nothing was ever right with him again. i didn't like being mistreated so i had to stop contacting him. but......i always blamed myself......i thought, if only i were more beautiful, more of a party girl, more something...less something else.......then he would x, y, z. but the bottom line....he was cruel and mean and i tried my very very best to right wrongs. i try so hard to be a good, honest, clean, decent person. and he's just not.


im not going to blame myself anymore. (oh yeah, this only half refers to my post from above). the ppl at the company really did lie, hurt, maim me...i was so hurt. but i couldn't control their behavior either. i internalized it and took it so personally but i did nothing wrong. i really thought i fell in with a bunch of druggies. the wrong crowd from high school only grown older and working at a company. i did not deserve their treatment. im not going to blame myself anymore.


im not going to blame me. i can't control another person's behavior or responses. i will feel better when i stop blaming myself for other people's behavior or responses to me. bottom line: they choose how they are. that's not within my control or means.


i really hope i will meet lots of decent and kind people one day. i need my faith in humanity to be restored.

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