day 5 of NC, not getting any easier, miss him sooo much

[want_his_love]

was with my Bf for 2 years with a couple of short break ups.

at first i was wearign the trousers and he was like a puppy dog round me rushing up 2 c me .. then due to a break up that i instigated and then realsied how much i loved him when he did a disspearing act one weekend... the roles reversed and since then he was the one wearing the trousers.

i have been the one chasing him for about a year and a few months now. whenever we have an argument, he will walk out and drive home and not talk to me for 24 hours... i text and ring him and do the begging and pleading thing.

he had finished with me a few times and i beg and pester him constantly but have always managed to win him back.

 

5 day ago (valentines) we had a small argument about the amount of contact we have during the week which got him quite aggitated (he had been pretty stressed with work for about 2 weeks and had told me that everyone seemd to be getting on his nerves so i know i should maybe have left this for another time) any way he told me to leave it and i kept pleading with him to lsiten to me and try and understand me but by this time he had flipped because i had gone on a little bit to long and it resulted in the biggest argument we have had yet.

i was hysterical crying and begging him not 2 go home and standing in front of my front door trying to stop him from leaving .. i was a hysterical mess and woulda done anything to make him stay and not leave things how they were.

eventually after abotu 30 mins of him trying to get out... he got into his car and i stood in front of it still crying and begging him not 2 leave but he drove the car anyway and where he avoided me he crashed into a tree..

 

now he doesnt want anything to do with me and sais im way to needy and a bit of a pysco for acting the way i did on valentines. its made it worse now coz his mum is on his side tellign him not to come back and see me ever again and he has done well to put up with me for that long (though she doesnt know how great it has been the majority of the time.. she has only seen the bad stuff i guess)

last time we spoke was day after valentines ... he said he didnt want me any more and i have ruined it and to go and see a shrink .. he was quite civil and calm.

but this was all 2 days after him telling me how gorgeous n wonderful i am and how he is so in love with me and wants me 4eva. on the morning of valentines he gave me a card saying "im gonna stand by u 4eva" and he was all over me all morning... and then in a matter of hours .. his whole mind was switched against me becuase of my needy behaviour.

 

he did say the day after that he was very cut about it all and his heart wsa broken but he couldnt be with me any more after the way i acted and the fact i stood in front of his car and made him crash it

 

i was such a total fool... i cant believe how needy i acted and how needy i have been for about a year. when i first met him i was happy, confident and never ever needy... and i have changed so much.

 

its been 5 days since he told me it was over for good.... and i have been very very strong and resisted the temptation to ring or text or email him even though my heart is in pieces.. i cant sleep or eat and its not getting any easier. i am so lonely without his contact and im in unbearable pain.

 

by the way i have never ever gone this long without contacting him .. so i know by now that he must be wondering what im doing and why the ususal begging him hasnt started

 

please help advice me how to get him back... i know i have been an utter needy fool and im gonna go 2 councelling and sort myself out.

i jsut want him to see the new me and give me a chance.

 

HELP

[want_his_love]

i know im gonna have a tough job getting him back now his mum doesnt want him to see me again and all his friend will be telling him not 2 get back with me after they see his car.

 

i do know that his close female friend (who has only been on the scene about 3 months) told him .... "yuo took valentines day off work to spend with that B**ch and she ruined it all. you can do a thousand times better then her".

 

he has got so many people on his side who will not want him to see me and will do what they can do talk him out of seeing me.

 

how can i get around this

[bigheart09]

First of all I am sorry about what happened. But, look at the way you have changed over a guy. You say you were happy and confident before you met him and in the beginning of the relationship. That is what attracted him to you in the first place. You need to find that person again. You seem to have lost yourself somewhere in this relationship. That is what is most important right now. I think talking to someone professionally is a wise thing just so you can sort your feelings out.

 

How did you feel that night when you were standing in front of his car? I am sure you never want to feel that way again. As much as you miss him right now, the most important thing is YOU.

[want_his_love]

when i was standing in front of my front door and his car i felt desperate...

i get so lonely when he has gone... ive always been quite a lonely person and i lived for the weekends when we saw each other (he lives an hour dirve away). everytime he goes off in an argument i feel soooo upset and lonely and its the most pain ever .. i knew how i would feel if i just let him go so i tried to stop him instead.

if i had jsut let him go then we would still be together now ... ive been such a total idiot.

i love him so much and im missing his contact liek crazy.... im findin it so hard not 2 text him or ring him. i want 2 so much

[bigheart09]

But dont you want to feel strong and confident in yourself?

[light bulb]

I know exactly how you're feeling but its not healthy for you to keep replaying your mistakes in your head. I am so stricken with guilt over what I put my ex through that its easy to forget she made mistakes too. She's perfect in my eyes now but the reality is that she was far from perfect. Learn from this experience for the future, continue nc, and let nature take over for now - one moment at a time.

[want_his_love]

yes i do want to feel confident again but the feeling of wanting him are over powering that at the moment. i cant stop crying and torturing myself with thought of all the happy times.

i have never wanted anything more in my life then for him 2 contact me right now

[bigheart09]

Stay strong and dont contact him..the last thing you need is to show him how much you want him back...remember your neediness turned him off...things will work out over time

[want_his_love]

i am thinkin about keeping up with the no contact for 2 weeks up until thursday next week then emailing him at work to tell him i have put some money into his bank account to help put towards that damage to his car and could he check on his lunch break and let me know it went in ok.

then when he replies i ask him if he would like to meet up on sunday or sunday next week and go for somethng to eat and catch up

(ever since we split i have been on a diet and exercising crazy, im gonna get my hair done real nice n get a new outfit and make sure i look super gorgeous for him... i will not mention us gettin back together at all, well of course appologise for the way things happened and also state that i didnt set out to hurt any1 and then jsut be friendly and chatty and make him see how i was when he first met me..... oh and then make a point of being the one to end the date first and say i have to meet up with a friend)

 

do u think it may work???

[papalazarou]

Only if you are prepared for him to say "thank you but I dont want to meet". It could happen, tho I hope it does not...

 

I would just deposit the car money in his account telling him you have done so (because its the right thing to do) but he may not reply, thats the downside.

[Zaphod]

In my experience, NC doesn't start hard and gets easier, the difficulty kind of follows a parabolic curve, like a hill. I am on 8 days now and it's harder than 4 days.

 

You must brace yourself for this intensifying. But then it will get better.

[want_his_love]

u r soooo right. im on day 6 today and i was a total mess... its been the hardest day yet.

i think its coz its another day i realsied that he isnt gonna give in and contact me either

cried so much and was so down.

kept listening to songs that were "our" songs and torturing myself.

i was sat in my bedroom with our songs blasted out really loud and just sitting on the bed crying so much. also been checkimg my email and phone every minute literally.

i hate myself for what ive done.. for driving him away.

i am the biggest idiot ever and i dont know how im gonna cope without his contact and his love.

i want him soooo much, i miss him so much, i love him so much

this is the worst pain i havr ever felt in my whole life.... i have never ever experience anything like this b4

[Wandering_Sword]

Don't beat yourself up too badly. We've all done things that make us look like fools in front of our exes when we got dumped. Only thing left for now is to pickup the pieces and repair thy self.