cheating and trust

[hunter18]

i am still home with my wife of 12yrs after she cheayed on me twice(onece physical and once emotional). She wants to work it out but ihave no trust right now. I do love her but i am verr unhappy at this point. She has really not proofed to me she is really sorry or regrets what shes done. Even though shes the one who cheated she wants me to be the one who makes everything better and start communicating more. She wants me to go places and do more with her. I know i should but my heart is just not in it right now because i can't get over the cheating and lies she has done. I fell the only reason i am with her is because of our child. One more reason i feel i am still here is because i don't want to see her hurt and thats crazy because she didn't care to see me hurt and miserable. I just need help getting my heart and head straight. So if anyone has any advice please help. Thanks, RC.

[Jetta]

Have you considered marriage counseling? I kind of get the feeling she's walking all over you, yet her request for dating tells me there's a missing aspect in your relationship (which could be pushing her towards infidelity). You need someone who will hear both sides and offer some workable solutions.

[astaro]

have you told her the reasons for not taking her out?

does she really know what your going through?

[hunter18]

The 1st time she cheated was with my ex-best friend 6yrs ago but i just found out 4 months ago(physical affair). At that time i thought our relationship was going great, we went out, we talked, we really got along. The most recent ended in jan of this year(emotional so she says). This lasted over a year and at this time we didn't communicate like we should. I am not doing counseling because we should have done that before she cheated if she had such a big problem with me. I know my problems and i will admit them but i just can't fix them until i know shes sorry and it won't happen again. I know this is being stubborn but i can't help it. It's just hard to fix a broken heart and i lost soul when she is not showing me any remorse. I just need to talk to the people here to keep me from going crazy and maybee get the relief my head needs. I know it's my decision to stay or leave but i don't know what to do. I promise all the info i am getting here is really helping me out. i posted here last week if anyone wants the full details of my story under physical and emotional cheating(infidelity). I just want to thank everyone for there time and thoughts. thanks again, RC.

[mrmaximum]

Wow Hunter that really is too bad. Is this relationship salvageable? You are the best judge of that, however, you really need to tell your wife what you have told us. If I am off base and am completely wrong, forgive me, but it sounds like she believes that she is justified in doing what she's done. Sorry, that just doesn't fly. Everyone has problems, every relationship has issues, some choose to talk about it and fix things and others decide to take a more selfish route. She isn't the one who should be making demands, or even requests. That is the position you are in, you where the one that was betrayed, twice. She needs to stop thinking about what you can do for her and what she needs to do for you, and she has to realize that she may have to do this to get your trust back for a very long time. As Dr. Phil says "As long as it takes!" No one is perfect, not in the slightest and you can talk about your relationship and what was wrong with it later after you have healed a little bit, but she has to stop being so selfish and thinking about her and her own needs and what you did or didn't do to 'make her do that". The choice is up to you in the end, if you had no kids, I'd say walk, but your child complicates things. I'll just tell you what my Fiancee (who was in your position) tells people in your situation; "Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one"

[radioheader]

my husband of 15 years has cheated on me twice...most recently it was more emotional than physical...check out this website:

 

link removed

 

it has a lot of useful info about where each of you might be and what you need to do to salvage your marriage...

 

there is also a book called not just friends by shirley glass and i think it is great talking about affairs..what they mean and how to get over them. your library probably has it...

 

i think the counseling would be a good idea both individual and couples but that is for you to decide...it would help you all work together and see each other's view in a neutral place...very helpful for us...

 

you have a long road to travel and you will heal eventually with or without her....i have 2 kids and that has mainly kept me here working...it is hard and somedays are harder than others...hang in there and give yourself time to decide what is best for you...there is no rush to figure everything out...good luck!

[littledog]

It's a big deal that you still love her--that will help you through--she is very very lucky that you do. I can't tell you how much going to marriage counseling will help. I never wanted to do it with my husband either (same type of situation) but it was so nice to have an impartial person listen to both sides of the story and give you advice. Another good thing is that the therapist is not going to take any excuses from your wife. They will hold her accountable for her actions. If she doesn't feel any remorse and she wants you to change, the counselor will (most likely) tell her that that is absolute crap and will make her think about what she has done to you and to your family. You guys NEED that. The counselor will tell you what you each need to work on--you think you can get through this by yourself, but I'm telling you it will be amazing how much better you will feel when you know that you have someone else on your side, who knows everything. And it's so nice to just be able to say it all out loud, everything you're feeling, and to someone who will keep everything confidential.

So that's my advice. Your insurance should cover therapy, or see if there is free counseling at a church or other organization. It is SO worth it!!