Wife purposefully Ignores my conversation

[pc95]

It's been a couple weeks of this now. My wife has been basically

continually ignoring me instead watching youtube, emailing, and reading.

Keeping to herself - she speaks to me only when it suits her (having trouble with something etc). When I try to strike up conversations with her I get 1 word/1 sentence answers. I brought it up telling her I was getting tired of it, we arent communicating, and she says why do we have to have conversation - and says just stop trying because its BS. From what I understand, this came up from an argument a few weeks ago, while I decided to dust off an old PC game and play quite a bit....she is pretty controlling and started nagging about wasting my time with the game. I took exception to it and told her sternly to stop it, let me do what I want....so now her argument is do what you want - why talk to you cause its a waste of my time. There always been an issue with arguments where I tend to let them go while she can and may harbor them. I've tried just not speaking to her and letting her ride out it out, but that's been going on for too long. Any suggestions to break this childishness? Or how to approach getting out of this quandary.

[Mun]

Do you sleep together? I'm asking because you should talk to her about this just as you are going to bed...she may not be as defensive. Let her know that you made a mistake in the past about that game and that you don't want that to drive a wedge here. Don't accuse her of what she is doing... she is just reacting to you.

 

When she gets into some childish mode of ignoring you, give her plenty of space...she's hurt and that's how she is showing it.

 

I hope this helps some

[Zaphod]

When she gets into some childish mode of ignoring you, give her plenty of space...she's hurt and that's how she is showing it.

 

.....*** Feverishly makes notes ***

[heloladies21]

All of her actions are symptoms of a condition caused by you not sticking up for yourself enough. You might address some of the issues, but it's not harsh enough and you probably let a lot of BS slide. Being too hands off like this leads to a doormat situation where she doesn't respect what you say anymore.

 

I fear at this point, a comeback is out of the question. It's only a matter of time before she dumps you unless you get there first.

[mrmaximum]

All of her actions are symptoms of a condition caused by you not sticking up for yourself enough. You might address some of the issues, but it's not harsh enough and you probably let a lot of BS slide. Being too hands off like this leads to a doormat situation where she doesn't respect what you say anymore.

 

I fear at this point, a comeback is out of the question. It's only a matter of time before she dumps you unless you get there first.

 

This sort of thing is childish and to be honest I believe that you hit the nail on the head when you said she was controlling. You guys should have a long chat, no screaming, but definetly talk about the fact that you are both adults and that this isn't helping anything. If she's so controlling then she needs to learn to back off, you guys should come to some sort of compromise, that is what a relatiohship is all about, yeah?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey PC 95 - Welcome to our virtual haven.

 

Dude, You're gonna have to make a stand sometime - some how.

 

Do you have children together?

Someone asked already, but what IS bed time like?

Do you have separate bed times?

[MissDQ]

wow, this is really childish and controlling behavior. I know because I have both seen and experienced this from family members. You need to let her know somehow (or at least realize yourself) that her behavior is emotionally abusive, you know, giving you the cold shoulder; and furthermore, if she is not willing to communicate with you in a rational way (meaning, you both discuss your issues and hear each other out and come to a compromise...apologize/forgive/move on, etc), then you will have to do something about it. I don't know if that means counseling or separating from her or whatever, but you must not act to simply enable her behavior, take a stand and call her out on it--in an appropriate fashion, mind you, try not to accuse or argue or yell, but simply state the facts. For example, "honey, I feel ___ when you do ___." etc.

[pc95]

Thank you for your replies.

 

As a follow up, I finally had a more honest talk with her. She is miserable

in the marriage she says due to a few things out of my control, but also

some things within my control. However, she's somewhat intent on dis-solving the marriage. Her ignoring comes and goes, and someone correctly surmised or implied that our sex-life is on the rocks to boot. She has now gone from to ambilivalent about having children to probably not wanting any. We dont have any children, and we both work. She has never had much of a libido, and I've tried to damper mine to accommodate. That was ok with me as long as she was acting mature and loving, but now at best she acts friendly. My patience is wavering a little bit. Some days are ok and we converse and are friendly, but she is not at all physically or even very much emotionally affectionate. We've been togther 8 years, married just 1 - lived together 6. I went through an almost 2 yr LDR to get to this point, so I feel like I need to work at the relationship since I resigned to wait earlier. Sometimes I selfishly wonder about starting over, or feel embarrassed about

how my family and friends might feel if I separated so early on....I mean we

had less than 4 months ago had a marriage party. I dont want to be hastey.

 

In general, do you think that a relationship is healthy with little to no physical affection...I'm not talking only about sex here either? Despite the financial burden, should I try to separate and find another apartment, or find her one?

We're both very cheap, frugal, and thrifty - so we're averse to wasting money, but maybe it wouldnt be a waste?

[Mun]

Hello again,

There is nothing selfish about wanting to be happy and in a loving relationship. I understand you would feel embarrassed having to separate so early on in the marriage, but I do hope you don't stay together for the " what will people say" factor. It's your life. Your choices and your future.

 

I am glad that you were able to have a mature conversation about this. It sounds as if you may even have an amicable separation, should you decide to divorce.

 

Physical and sexual affection is very important in my opinion. You have to water the garden for it to bloom.

 

Lots of things to consider. You both deserve happiness--maybe with other people

 

I hope it works out for the best.

[TheFoglifter]

I won't say its hopeless, but sex is a BIG deal, and once it stops, trouble is ahead. If you are both committed to making it work, then you can do it, but if she just plain doesn't care, then you are in for a lifetime of hurt.

 

My gf sometimes is pretty apathetic too -- its very frustrating. You feel like you are working your * * * off and all you get in return is a sigh of sadness.

 

Separating so soon would definitely hurt your friends, I'd be kind of pissed if I gave someone a wedding gift only to have them split so quickly. Then again, you are the one who has to live with yourself.

[pc95]

I appreciate your responses, especially you Mun for sticking around.

 

Still feeling badly....

At one point in our relationship, before she went home for 2 years, she was very happy to be around and liked to often talk to me. She was like that initially when she returned last October, but in mid-January I was getting frusterated with the lack of physical affection she was displaying/trying. We had discussed this before several times over arguments in different years. Since about year 2, I've always felt like she's displaying physical affection out of duty rather than desire. I understand a sex life can ebb and flow, but it got pretty ridiculous. Take things like hugs, kisses, pats etc. - she's not even displaying those kind of basic physical expressions now. Before She was happy to live with me and be attached emotionally while downplaying/ignoring the physicality. It's been since the beginning of February and devoid of any physical affection or sex. I went on a business trip for a week and my birthday passed right by. Not that I care much about it, but I came back hoping she might try to change, and she's made no attempt to change. Anyone who's familiar with having a relatively strong libido and a partner with a polar opposite one is very good about the limits of patience - it is quite agonizing especially when you feel compelled to verbalize it - because at that very moment the spirit of the sexuality gets trampled out and left with mighty frustration. I'm very afraid to provoke altercation and pain, but I feel like its been well over a month and a 1/2 and she has resolved to treating me at a distance - perhaps a little better than a roommate never initiating any physical contact, reminding me about what I need to do for work and leisure, but not personally interested in me (or actively trying not to be) I feel. Also, she is lightly conversing while keeping to herself on youtube still. She laughs and smiles at the computer but pretty much expresses no real countenances to me. She's quick to complain about my actions,lack of actions, or assess blame to me for problems - and shows spite and anger whenever deemed appropriate.

She's obsessively clean and gets annoyed because I'm averagely so.

 

I'm beginning to wonder how to separate amicably? Should I just start looking for an apartment? Should I tell her we need to serparate and resolve to it? I know there are things about me that truly annoy her that are out of my hands because they're how I act, but I feel like I want to shock the life into our relationship. I dont know how to revive something that she's resolved to stonewalling. It's really bringing me down emotionally. We've spent our 20s together, but I dont know now. She talks about wanting to be alone, or going back to her homeland to work. Partly blames me for being here, as she agreed to come back in a year, but made it close to 2 years only after I had to threaten breaking off. I know she's questioning being with me, but at my emotional price over her unknown. Recently she says she's afraid to divorce because she might regret the decision. But yet she doesn't act to counter that imbalance.

She states that she feels like she's trying to choose between herself and me. I dont know why she cant have both??

[Mun]

Have you asked her why she can't have both ?

She's obviously not happy, but how much of that is really your fault?

 

Could there be some reason your wife doesn't find you particularly appealing > I have a friend whose wife had a hysterectomy and after that their sex life went downhill. My guess is she also has personal issues that have nothing to do with him.

 

This may not mean anything but : What type of job does your wife have? How does she spend her days? How does her family feel about you?

[pc95]

I think a smaller part of what she says is my fault, but it's gotten to the point where she's either neutral or confrontational, never positive or happy. It's pretty much been this way since late January. You probably know someone well enough where on their first words of greeting whether they're in a bad mood. She's perpetuated this mood. I havent seen her good mood in over 2 months. She works for an electronics company 5 days a week 8-6. She now spends her time reading or watching youtube. She doesnt have any good friends in the immediate area which is a problem I think as that could be a useful outlet for her. In a recent discussion she brought up that she doesnt think we have much future together, yet she doesn't say anything about moving out. I tell her we need to work on a future as a start, but she says why. She doesnt like her work (office environment, co-workers) much but I think she feels that to quit her job would hurt her resume since its only been 4 months. I say why cant you try to be in a good mood, and she replies, why do I have to "try"? I shouldn't have to try to be in a good mood.

 

Her mother was against us getting married, as an example of ignorance - completely against miscegenation. This was stressful for my wife, but an old problem.

 

She may not find me appealing physically. I'm not much to look at from awhile back - age has taken its toll. But that's not a reason I think. She is emphasizing that she wants to be alone, and that we have little future. One thing she brings up is no desire to have children which is ok. But then she says, I dont want to live with feeling guilty in the future of that feeling. She is also tired of feeling "stupid" about me misunderstanding or having to go over communication 2 or 3 times because I dont understand her (english is her 2nd language). This doesnt always happen, but she wants to be able to communicate smoothly. She feels like I "forced" her to come over here. We had initially agreed to a year apart, and I got upset about her extending it to almost 2.

 

By eliminating physicality and isolating emotionally she is conditioning herself

to get away from me I think. And yet she still oversees what I do ie - did I remember this for tomorrow? Did we pay this bill? I'm going out, I'll be home late....etc...It's very depressing, to walk in the door from work and immediately have to deal with her decisions - her choices to be this way.

She has made a choice of action and is resolving to treating me like this. I

tell her its difficult for me, and her reply is well its hard for me too, "what did you sacrifice to have me here - like her sacrifices far outweigh my feelings?"

 

Should I continue to try to talk about how I feel, or play along with her attitude trying to improve the smaller things in my control for a time hoping for a positive sign? She's starting to cut me off when I try to discuss it with her saying, "I dont want to argue". I dont feel like its an argument though.

[Mun]

Wow ok. I can see why she would be so upset. She feels very isolated ( read : trapped) and she blames you for that. Sure she made a choice to come to you, but she feels like you didn't have to uproot your life for her. I understand that. Then as a result she equals all kinds of bad feelings with YOU. You understand what I'm saying? (Husband=depression, regret, anxiety...etc. )

 

Maybe you should stay away from her when she is in a bad mood ( Would that mean you will never get to talk?) and only come her way when she is relaxed and agreeable.

 

Ok. I just have one suggestion putting yourself in her shoes-when you talk with her next. Let her know you totally understand ( and really try to ) how she is feeling. Tell her She is right, the transition was not as difficult for you as it was for her and maybe that wasn't fair. Then ASK HER what it is she wants to do. Ask her for a solution that you can do together.

 

Then listen. No arguing and try not to get defensive about what she suggests. Try to keep the mentality of : we are going to work on this together.

 

Like someone else said before, your relationship may be over and it might be better to move on. If it was me though, I would want to know that I did all I could to salvage the relationship and divorce was the only option left.

[pc95]

Thanks Mun.

Well, I went on another longer 2 week business trip telling myself things will change.

 

Come home, with the same hope, and I get little to nothing on her return from work. A hug, and right back in her chair she plops. I'm practically ready to jump into her arms in passion - her reaction: pats me with a short hug and says I'm tired - and when I try to initiate a kiss, she scoffs. Earlier I had asked her out to dinner. She comes home, says she's not hungry, and then begins snacking on crackers and candy while after watching You-tube. I feel helpless. At wits end. It's time to separate. I dont feel like she has any intention of changing. I will bring up your suggestion about working it together, but I dont have much confidence.

[Mun]

You may be right and it's time to call it quits. Sometimes we just grow apart and there is no coming back. When you've tried all you can and nothing has changed what more can you do?

 

Good luck over there.......I know it won't be easy no matter what happens next.

[bewilderment]

You need to ask yourself: Do you love her? If you still have any love left, ask her the same question: "Do you love me?" And tell her to be completely honest. It is a good thing you do not have children (as in my case!) and you can decide to get out now if you have nothing left. If there is love left, then ask her what she needs/wants out of her marriage and tell her the same. Otherwise, if she continues to act so immature, then you may have to separate to figure it out. It gets to the point that you just cannot change the other person and you do all you can do. And NO, it is not healthy to have no sex at all, and especially no affection. Don't stand for her immaturity or her disrespect. Tell her what you need and deserve. And if she cannot give it to you (assuming you are willing to try to give her what she needs), then tell her it will not work.

[Whiplash Girl Child]

What are you like when SHE tries to talk to YOU?

 

I ask this because I've known a couple of female friends who have complained that their boyfriends or husbands don't listen to them when they talk. For instance, they won't look them in the eye, they'll give one-word responses (or grunts), and so on. One of my friends told me that she is becoming just like her husband, just to spite him.

 

Do you think that this might be the case with you and your wife? That she's trying to give you a "taste of your own medicine?"

 

I'm not accusing you, just so you know. I don't know enough about you, your wife and your relationship with her in order to say that this is what I think is up with her. It's just a random guess.

[confusedinlife]

Hi, PC95, after reading your thread, I have strong empathy for you. I can see you are trying very hard to save your marriage. I admire all the effort you have been making. Talking from experience, sometimes it is really hard to talk to someone when they have made their mind on things. Have you ever think of marriage counselling ??? It is really helpful. It give an professionally unobjective view , interstingly the other person will listen and start opening. I understand the isolation your wife is feeling since I is in a similar situation. But she can not blame you for it. Life is a choice , she choose to come here and marry you. She need to find her own source of misery . You are a very convinent target. Once again, i admire all the effort you are putting in. You wife is lucy to have you. Hopefully she will open for the counselling.

[imthewaterwitch]

PC, I hope you'll take what I have to say with either a grain or boulder of salt, depending on how it seems to fit you.

 

The issues from your side sound like the things my live-in fiance might say about me if he were here. I can only speak from my side of things, so please keep in mind that's what I'm doing. It may or may not fit for you.

 

I have a really hard time making small talk when I feel hurt or disappointed by him, or when I feel like I'm not getting what I need from him. Our sex life is rocky at best as well, and it's because I'm not getting emotionally what I need to be able to enjoy sex. That's a big difference between men and women, at least in my experience- for us it's very much an emotional thing. We have a hard time even thinking about it if we're feeling emotionally distant from our loved one.

 

My biggest complaint about him is that he refuses to communicate about anything other than everyday things. Anytime I try to approach him with something I'm unhappy about or want to work on in our relationship, I'm met with a wall of hostility. Then his favorite thing to do is to ignore/avoid the issues I brought up and go about things as normal. And then be condescending and sarcastic toward me for not going along with that. He obviously has a MAJOR issue with communicating about conflict.

 

So, it's worth asking, have you acted ambivalently toward your wife (intentionally or not- I promise, I'm not accusing you of being hostile!) when she's brought up something that makes her unhappy? Have you always given her your undivided attention when she is expressing her feelings about something that may not be comfortable for you? Very often, when we women stop "going with the flow," it's because we have felt betrayed, hurt or given cause to not trust our men with our feelings... so that makes everything else seem, well, pointless. You might feel you're trying to break the ice by making small talk or trying to carry on as usual- to her, that may be sending the message that you don't care enough about her real feelings to want to know about them. It's a big difference in the communication between men and women.

 

If you try going to her to really see what's wrong and she shoots you down a couple of times, try again a few more times. She may not be ready to trust that you really care about her feelings until you've demonstrated several times that it's important to you. And if/when you do get her to really open up, be careful to listen and not judge. I'm not saying to be a doormat- but do really listen to her.

 

Now, if this isn't ringing any bells for you, or if it feels like it's not worth the effort to do that, then maybe you should consider letting the relationship go. There is no sense in making each other miserable.

 

My best wishes to both of you.

[imthewaterwitch]

What are you like when SHE tries to talk to YOU?

 

I ask this because I've known a couple of female friends who have complained that their boyfriends or husbands don't listen to them when they talk. For instance, they won't look them in the eye, they'll give one-word responses (or grunts), and so on. One of my friends told me that she is becoming just like her husband, just to spite him.

 

Do you think that this might be the case with you and your wife? That she's trying to give you a "taste of your own medicine?"

 

And this is sort of what I was getting at. Admittedly, me not wanting to make small talk with the fiance is partly that I see no point in it, and partly that I'd like him to know how it feels to not be listened to, which I know logically is childish but it is one of those things we do.

[pc95]

Thank you for your replies. I didnt know that people were continuing on this thread. It's been some time before I last talked about it, and I'm still faced with a similar situation.

 

Someone correctly mentioned/guessed that my wife decided to start treating me like this because in the beginning I didnt listen to her during a troubling time for her. Yes, she actually said she felt betrayed as badly as if I had cheated on her - which was a pretty stunning thing to say I thought. The problem here is that this happened in December of last year. She was having trouble with work, and from what she had said - I didnt listen or give her the support she needed. Now I recall trying to listen to her, saying "give it a chance" and so on and so forth - but I guess I was not empathetic or truly trying to cheer her up; this was totally out of my character according to her and destroyed her affectionate feelings for me (as if I betrayed her)....I can see how this might be disappointing, but not equating anything close to betrayal - betrayal is something I think someone does in pure selfishness, something I would never even consider - and my response was no selfish, but maybe not enough. I have tried to apologize to her several different times about this. And I have also pleaded with her to forgive me, and let it go - get on with our lives. But The sad thing is that I believe she has harbored this in her "reasoning" to unhook from loving/sex/showing affection. And I'm just trying to hold on in the hopes that she tries to change - for several months now. On top of that, it makes me angry that she could

hold onto something so vehemently and for such a long time. I guess, in her mind it really as though I cheated on her. I find it insultingly ridiculous as I pride loyalty, and have patience. Most friends I bring this up to, believe it is an absurdly severe response as well. And to that same poster, you may be right it could be punitive. The other day she even noted how I've been very nice and patient lately....But.....

 

At this point, some 6 months later, she has withdrawn physically completely from the relationship as she did 10 MONTHS ago....I have talked to some of my male friends...and have decided unfortunately I have to put a time limit on it - December. I agree with my friend that at some point I must think only of myself in this situation - 1 year is too long a time, too a high a price to continue misery of lack of affection and holding an albatross of a sexless marriage. Despite often cooking for her, tending to her requests, or listening to her when she wants to talk, she has shown little to no signs of physical desire or affections. She scoffs when I try to kiss her, or says, "Jeez you have bad breath, go away". Or whines, "Stop it" disgustedly. The other morning I asked her for a hug, and she replies, "No, I dont have any time" (!!) Or when we are embracing she doesn't hug, but rather pats quickly. I'm just trying for simple affections here, to say anything about sex.

I am becoming more bitter in waiting.

 

Sexually frustrated is an understatement. I yearn for sex - and every time I've brought it up, she refuses - if I persist, she refuses adamantly. I'm a 30 year old guy, and my libido has tapered a bit, but it is in fact still VERY there.

 

I dont think I want to separate; If things dont get better, I may divorce quickly after December - I would have to. I think it will be many months to where I could date again, and I think it will be crushing for me. I am afraid I will be an emotional wreck and that my work may suffer horribly. But I've communicated to her (she knows) that I find sex and affection important, and yet she doesn't try to change the situation. Although I havent told her about December, I may try to bring it up one more time. The thing that is so horrible about sex and this situation, is the fact that I HAVE TO BRING IT UP VERBALLY. The minute I do, sex has already become some base purely selfish form of masturbation or something and cheapened beyond belief. It makes me feel like some mangy old dog. To put things in perspective though, her libido could be rated a 2 out of 10 anyway (while mine is at least 7). She has initiated sex perhaps 3 times in over 8 years. And....

 

Aside from sex itself, she doesnt want children she says, which is sad for me, and also in with my decision. The sad thing is, I can tell she would make an excellent mother. She has good integrity, loyalty, and trustworthiness. She has grounded values, excellent sense of reponsibility, and would be an exceedingly loving parent. This pains me almost to tears when I contemplate about it. I would like to have children pretty soon, but in this capacity it's impossible, and more to the point, I would continue to be miserable in the marriage I would guess. How hard is it to put some effort toward affection and being sexually nurturing? I'm not asking for worlds of change, just the right attitude and some genuine effort and interest. As one other poster, put, does she love me? I think so, but I dont know what else to do....

[deltawings]

Hello PC95,

 

I am an Italian married to a Japanese woman living in England, we have 2 children.

 

Unfortunately I have your same issues with my wife, lack of communication and affection, no sex conseguently.

 

I too feel like she is now a room-mate and enstranged wife, I get the same answers "I do not know" and have tried all I could to please her or to understand what she is thinking.

 

Things are getting worse instead of improving, we both never cheated on each other after 15 years of marriage, but to be near to her is now becoming painfull.

 

have you made any progress ?

[pc95]

Deltawings,

 

Hi, I revisited this message dialog, and saw your question.....to answer your question, at the core, no, I have not made progress. My wife has opened up a bit with intimacy in the last 6 months, but the same problems with affection mostly exist. During late Fall of 2008 it seemed to be getting better - there was some intimacy, romance, and even sex, but now again it's ebbing - it's early Mar and my work has really taken my time and energy not to mention being sick for the last several weeks. Sex is always viewed as a duty for her if/when it occurs. She's stated repeatedly over the last couple years that she has no interest in it and is quite comfortable with that. Mostly I roll along, sort dampening my own desire or taking care of myself (by myself). I enjoy her company mostly, but every once in awhile (like now), wonder what dating/loving another woman who IS passionate about intimacy/sex could be like. All it is, is a daydream and musing.

 

I'm sorry about your relationship's condition. Sometimes when my wife rejects my advances, I get very bitter and make a point to sleep away from her. I hope though that being around your wife is not painful. That sounds like another degree lower. I am confounded how my wife replies "I dont know" when it comes to intimacy/sexual problems. For her, it isnt a problem because her libido hardly exists. I suppose, if your wife is similar, she is not assertive and wont say what she wants more often than not - passive/aggressive. This may be a general character attribute and wholly unchangeable.