what is the best advice i can give her?

[mrsirish]

hi everyone, my friend emailed this to me a few days ago, she has been with her boyfriend for over 6 years, she told me she is going to email the following to him whilst he is at work,i have told her it is a bad idea as it makes her sound needy,but i dont have all the answers, i dont want her to make a mistake because they are in hindsight a good couple.i just have a bad feeling about it,any input at all?

 

I have been thinking about the future a lot lately, and where my future will even take me. as you know its not the most stable life that i have right now.

this is the thing that is going to freak you out..all i can say is we are both adults and we should be able to talk about anything without feeling stupid or wrong. and i swear to god i have kept this to myself for about 6 weeks wondering if i should tell you or not, one day i told myself its not that important, the next i told myself it obviously is as its still on my mind. ok i am going to get the freak you out thing out of the way and then i am going to give you my reasons and hopefully after trying to understand what im saying you might realise that you have no reason to freak out,and you will also understand that i have feelings too and in affect i am only voicing my oppinion,on the other hand you could be yourself, and automatically freak, look at all the bad bits, push me away and turn grey worrying over nothing.....lol.

 

as i said above i have been thinking about the future, well, no, i have been thinking about the past too.Im talking about us here, nobody else is involved just us.

 

I met you when i wasnt looking to meet someone, but yet here we are.you changed my life,however you want to look at it, i mean i got on a plane because of you,you give me confidence to be me, and to go for my goals and try my best,you can ALWAYS make me smile no matter how mad i am with you,you cheer me up no matter how bad it is,i feel free with you,i have never had that connection with someone before and i love it, i love the way we are together,the way we can take the piss,and know when to stop,i can read your mind, this is going to sound corny, but there is nobody else out there that could know me like you do.

 

ok maybe its my age, my hormones,because im a woman,god himself, i dont know, but for the last 6 weeks it has suddenly hit me that i want to settle down with you, take that how you want to, i just realized that you are who i want to be with, there is nobdy else,i am happy and content with you and i can 100% swear to you i would not be missing anything by not sleeping with another man.And i know that when im not with you i want to be with you.

 

I have been fighting these feelings for 6 weeks,telling myself i am wrong for wanting a little bit more from our relationship,but the more it is on my mind the more it is appealing to me,i dont want to feel this way , i really dont because i am happy with what we have right now, i feel really bad because of how i feel and i know i cant help it.what i am trying to say is,you call me mrs already, i want to be your real mrs.......

 

now heres where i explain why you dont have to freak out...

 

just because im feeling this way it doesnt mean we have to act on it, i am not expecting a proposal from you, far from it, i just need you to know how i feel, and to maybe find out where you are as far as all of this is concerned.

just because i am feeling this way it doesnt mean i am ready to run away next weekend and put a ring on your finger, it just means i am THINKING about it.

the main thing for me is, because i have been thinking about it for the past few weeks, i have realised that where i may be having these feelings, you might not share the same feelings about it that i do, i have accepted that, and its no big deal.

 

I dont want a proposal, i dont want to get married next month,next year,or even in the next five years,all i am trying to say is,SOMEDAY i would love to share your name, if you dont feel the same thats ok,i just want you to know whats on my mind, and you dont have to worry, im not counting down the days , you know me,i dont get excited everytime we pass a jewellers,and yes from talking to you briefly in the past i get the impression that you and marriage maybe dont mix,maybe you will never want to get married,if thats the case i will get over it and enjoy what we have.

 

babe i love you,you know that, and i dont want anything to change just because i have told you this,think of it this way...someone out there knows you well enough to want to grow old with you,thats a compliment is it not?..like i say..im not ready to get married,im just thinking about it more lately.

[Parsley]

I think it can be a good idea to make sure he knows her feelings...but maybe in person would be better?

 

If she really does want to go down the route of an email, I'd suggest that she reassures him she's not ending it very near the beginnng. I was broken up with via email...and reading the beginning of this reminded me of the utter fear I felt when I began reading it. She says she's knows she's going to scare him, but that is something I think she abislutely must make clear, because it physically hurts SO much to feel fear like that when you're reading something from the one you love.

[caro33]

I agree that this stuff has to be said in person.

 

I also think this email is woffly and takes far too long to get to the point. I'm also with Parsley: I thought it was a breakup email for quite a while..until I go to the FIFTH paragraph. This doesn't exactly set the tone for a positive interaction!

 

I think your friend needs to be more strategic in what she wants from this. If she's so afraid he'll freak out, then putting it like this in an email - while it seems less scary because she doesn't have to face him - is actually the worst thing to do. She can't see his body language and gauge what she says, and she comes accross as insecure. If she's going to tell him he's probably "the one" for her, she can say this to him in person (and why not just say that? It's just one sentence - "I know it's early days, but I think you might be the one for me" cue smile. He knows what this means, let him then say something.)

 

In my view, she should:

 

(a) Go the romantic route and write a love letter, in neat handwriting, and make it much shorter and less self-aware seeming. Just be clear about her feelings. Stop going on about freaking him out and make it less about being married and the "mrs" and more about how he's affected her so positively, how great she thinks they are together and how she hopes that one day they can share a life together....

 

or

 

(b) Talk to him and say much the same thing as (a) above!

 

or

 

© Pick a quiet, romantic moment and just say what I suggested above: "I know it's early days, but I think you might be the one for me".

 

 

If she's just going to blurt stuff like the email you showed us it looks awkward and far too self-conscious.

[caro33]

Actually I just saw the "been with her boyfriend for over 6 years" part.

 

What? How can they not have had something that looks like this kind of conversation so far?

 

Is she in truth trying to force a proposal here? What do you think his reaction will be from what you know?

 

If people are sending emails like this to one another after six years I wonder what's going on. I agree it makes her sound needy.

 

The sending this to him at work is terrible too.

 

By the way, ask her what she'll do if she doesn't hear from him. Emails and texts are so dangerous for this. He might get stuck in meetings, or need time to think, and she might be fretting all day that he freaked out and wants to break up....Messy!

[Alezia]

The way she words it out makes a very awkard tone I'll agree...

It's way to long and in the end, the whole point is lost.

If you really think that person is the one for you, I don't think there should be that much hesitation in telling them you love them and want to be with them.

I agree that after 6 years I'd probably be along the same route and it strikes me that this conversation hasn't been brought up before...

 

I think the romantic setting pointed out by caro33 is best by far. You do want to see all the undertones of the other person... I doubt someone would dump you because you tell them that you are ready to take the relationship to the next step. Unless you just start to break down and cry and shout for no reason??

 

Oh, how old are they?

[mrsirish]

hi again everyone thankyou for all the input, i agree with everyone so far, i told her to just talk to him but she wants to do her thing,up to now i have at least convinced her to put off the email til the weekend if nothing else,give her chance to think about it.

as for how i think he would react, i couldnt be 100 per cent sure, they seem very happy together,they never seem to argue,always holding hands and laughing together,what goes on behind closed doors is another matter. as for her trying to force a proposal, i dont think she would, i have known her for about 7 years,and she has never really brought up marriage before, its never really been that important to her, i think its just a case of her being happy with her guy.she is 29 he is 31

[suresuresure]

I read the responses and the most important thing, no matter what is said, is that she should do this in person. If she's uncomfortable with such an idea my gut tells me they probably shouldn't be getting married.