counseling not helping

[GoodManWasted]

long term marriage going south have been going for marriage counseling, but i think it is actually making the situation, because both of us are saying things that maybe we wouldn't say without the referee present. i think the counselor is very good and quite competent, but i am not sure that getting everything on the table is really helping and it is appearing more and more to me that my wife's heart has turned cold against me and that is "all she wrote".

 

another thing, my wife tells all these little fibs about what happened or what i said and is quite convincing, she acts like the vulnerable think, and puts on the appearance that i am a badgering husband, when in reality i DareNot say what is on my mind for fear of her explosive temper. I feel the counselor is turning against me, but we are totally off point and my wife's charms are simply quite convincing.

 

i just fell like i'm in a trap and I have no idea what to do to fix this. It feels like this is the new "job" of my wife, creating all this strife and nonsense in my my/our lives when we should be relaxing into our fifties and appreciating everything we have done together in this world. instead all i see is bull**** and untruth.

[ghost69]

haven't you asked her why she says these things when you get home from counseling?

 

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[confusedmama]

The only way counselling works is if you are completely honest and put it all on the table-if the counselor sees her anger at you it actually may help him/her to help your situation. Most good counselors see through the act of people but you have to be open & honest

I'm sorry you are having to go through this instead of relaxing but in the long run it may make your life better and more relaxing. Just hang in there.

[texami]

so, there's no way that during counselling you could question one of her "fibs" in front of the therapist? maybe a polite challenge to her story would bring some of her anger into the room and s/he could witness it and question her about what she's saying?

 

counselling is a process, and if the same patterns repeat the counsellor will get only that view of you and your wife. what about individual counselling with just you? when i went thru counselling with my hub, we each did solo with our therapist so that we could say things that maybe we still couldn't tell each other. then, when we were all together the counsellor could bring it up.

[assumeLove]

i just fell like i'm in a trap and I have no idea what to do to fix this. It feels like this is the new "job" of my wife, creating all this strife and nonsense in my my/our lives when we should be relaxing into our fifties and appreciating everything we have done together in this world. instead all i see is bull**** and untruth.

As long as you approach this in a "who's right" frame of mind, divorce is far and away the most likely outcome. If you'd like to regain your marriage, you must take each of her stories not as untruth or truth, but as a breadcrumb on the trail to finding your way home.

 

If she claims you wear size 15 shoes, and you've got on size 10s, you have two choices -- try to prove to the therapist that she's wrong or work with the therapist and your wife to figure out how she came to believe this, so you can fix the real problems.

 

We're all conditioned to defend the truth as we know it, but even if you brought in 5 shoe store managers to measure your feet in front of her and the therapist, even if you convinced both of them your feet are really size 10s, this will only make your wife wrong, not more loving. You can't win her back by showing she's wrong.

 

You can win her back by looking at your marriage from her point of view. When she says you wear size 15 shoes, you could say, "My feet look really big to you. Have they always looked so big?" in a gentle tone. This gives her a chance to talk about what's really bothering her -- the futiility of washing the kitchen floor, ending up walking behind you instead of beside you, or the holes in your socks, things you'd never guess on your own, things you can fix easily to win her back.