Should friendships be pursued once you've found someone?

[Luke Skywalker]

When a girl tells you that she likes you only as a friend, or feels the interaction is pleutonic, then once you found someone that you are dating and see a potential romantic connection, then is it a good idea, that a month or two or whatever later, you go back, and you tell that woman that you've found someone and that you are ok with proceeding with a friendship as long as you are going out with someone since that will keep you at bay?

 

This is good way to deal with people who have friendzoned you - move on, find someone who you can really connect with, and follow up with them only when you actually have someone? Or should such people be forgotten as you move on in life as this could be potentially playing with fire? What do you usually do?

[charley]

I don't see why you can't be friends with a woman regardless of if either of you is seeing someone else. I can and do. I don't find it a problem to be friends regardless of if either of us is seeing someone else or not. That assumes we actually want to be friends.

 

Sometimes when someone of opposite sex says they want to be friends, they mean it. Other times, they really mean, "Please go away." If the desire to be friends is real, then why not be friends? That's how I run my life and I have plenty of good women friends. Some are longterm friends of many years, even more than a decade in a few cases.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Luke -

 

I think what you're asking is - is it OK to be friends with someone you were previously romantically interested in but who friendzoned you, once you've got a different love interest, yeh? Is this what you're asking?

 

If I understand that right, I would say.....

 

I would ask rather, WHY would you want to go back to someone you were persuing just to say, "Hey - I think I'm ready to be friends now" when the only reason you are going there is because that's the only option? I mean, its either you're friends with that person or there's nothing, yeh?

 

So....why is that particular "friendship" such a bit deal?

 

Is this a person you don't want to be out of your life so you'll take them in any capacity? If that's the case, why weren't you always "just friends" why wait til you have someone else?

 

I tihnk i have tooooo many questions......

[Caterina]

Its a good question. Depends on if you can handle the fact that she might never hook up with you and whether you think that if you separate from her your chances of her hooking up with you will go up. Either way, having someone around that you can actually connect with, platonic or not, is always a plus.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Just move on.

 

If you still feel like being friends with the other person, fine, but don't make a big deal out of it.

[Dako]

You're overthinking this, Luke.

If you're friends with a woman, and meet a GF, your friend would be happy for you. You need no permission.

Conversely, you need no outside romantic relationship before you have a female friend.

This friendzone term presupposes the only reason to be near a woman is to pursue intimacy. IMO, women are handy creatures for many other roles, such as friend, teacher, doctor, lawyer, cousin, sister, neighbor...

[renaissancewoman101]

I think you are thinking too much on this and making it sound like a chore. It should just happen naturally where you guys are friends, it didnt turn out the way you wanted it to. You guys stay friends, you meet someone new and naturally you introduce that new person to your "old friend". Simple as that.

 

If you have to think about it and lose sleep on it, then probably it isn't worth it.

[heloladies21]

Well Luke, I hope you know enough to ignore the feminist preachings which don't even come close to addressing how this is going to affect you, which is the only thing you should be concerned with.

 

As guys, no matter even if we have been rejected, we will still be attracted to a girl no matter what. Going back and trying some sham friendship with someone who you're attracted to will still end up frustrating you even if you are in a relationship already. This is the reason it's not good to be friends with girls you're attracted to, the constant hit your self esteem will take by not being able to get someone that you want (ie. not being good enough).

 

So best to let it be. You gave it your shot and it didn't work out. Learn the lessons you can, leave it in the past, and go try again with someone else (when you're available of course ).

[Daddy Bear]

It all depends on your true reasons for wanting to hang out with the girl who FZ'd you. I have a great friendship with someone I used to have a mad plush on, but since I'm committed to someone else now I doubt it would work if there was any sexual attraction either way.

[Luke Skywalker]

I think that if any form of 'rejection' has occurred with a girl that I should just move on period. This is pertaining to a new person I meet from the internet in January who commented that she thought the interactions were that on a 'kinship' level (the most diplomatic friendzone bs-job I've ever heard from anyone) where she apologized for wasting my time and turned me down when I asked her out on a second date within the following couple of weeks saying she's unavailable to even go out with her friends until a month later.

 

The thing is, I already have picked up other 'friends' in my office who haven't 'rejected' me or anything and am making a 'friends' type of posture with them anyway.

 

So, in this case I've decided to move-on, and since there has been no follow-up since January 8/07, then I may as well continue with the no-contact policy indefinitely.