Having a problem communicating with girlfriend ...

[DavidLarson]

There is a lot going on and I'll try to explain it.

 

I'm dating a 35 year old girl and I'm 25. She's been married twice and has one child and this is my first serious relationship.

 

We've been dating only 4 months now but we're so close it's scary. I have no question in my mind that I love her and we're planning on killing the gap in a couple of months. I just graduated from college and I am ready to move out as soon as my current lease runs out.

 

I have always been an advocate about having great communication and honesty with each other. I have always felt it creates a strong bond not only now but for the future. I've always been good at talking to her about how I feel about things and I'm even better at listening to her when she has things to say.

 

Anyhow, about a month ago she came to me and admitted to me that she had an online friend (who lived in Europe) that she had feelings for. She said that she had been having these feelings for about a week and a half and that she realized she wanted me and not him. She had a hard time cutting the other guy off, but has finally done so.

 

She tells me that she loves me every single day; ... in fact 20 to 30 times a day and I feel is giving a good effort to really focus and get us back to where we were. We were so cute with each other the first 3 months.

 

Anyhow, the major problem is this ... she has no self confidence. I think that is what led her to talking to this other guy even though she has made up excuse after excuse about why that really happened. He made her feel good about herself. It is always nice to be wanted, you know?

 

Anyhow, she's always complaining about grey hairs that she has and I try to let her know that I am not bothered by them and that I think they're kinda sexy, etc., etc.

 

So anyhow, we've been moving on and things have been great.

 

She has another small problem ... she lacks an ability to multi-task. Like, she can't talk to me and do the dishes at the same time. And worse, she will always try. So we'll be talking ... she'll of course focus on what she has to say and then when I start saying something she'll start doing the dishes and not hear 3/4 of what I say.

 

I felt somewhat ignored and tried yesterday to bring this up and she started crying and I tried to cheer her up (which I know was impossible), but ... I felt I had a right to voice a concern in the relationship. She tells me she needs a few minutes to think about it. She calls me back an hour later and COMPLETELY turns it on me.

 

She turns it into a "I feel like you're just obsessed with me and not actually in love with me, sometimes." I think this is 10 miles out of bounds obsurd and I think she knows it. It then turns into "I feel like I'm not good enough for you," rant. She claims she can't do anything right. When she cheated on me with the guy online, I never yelled at her. I never degrated her for what she did. I was very calm in how I talked things out with her. I think at times she's mad at me for NOT getting super mad at her. It hurt, but I didn't feel it was objective to yell at her. What would that have solved?

 

Anyhow, I think this is the second time I have brought something like this up to her. I tried to make very light of it and let her know it wasn't a huge deal. Just something I thought I'd bring up. And she goes into rant about how she can't do anything right and she's not good enough for me, blah blah.

 

Well, I love her. I don't care if she's perfect and I tell her that all the time. I love her just the way she is. I try to tell her how wonderful she is all the time, but I just ... I don't know.

 

I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to talk to her if I have problems and if I can't talk to her when I have problems without her acting like this ... how can I communicate with her? And if I can't communicate with her, how is this supposed to work?

 

HELP! Please!

 

-David Larson

[Daligal83]

I think how you start those kind of conversations really determines how they go. You have to use what I learned in my couples therapy class, a "soft start up." So instead of saying something like, you never listen to me while you're doing the dishes, it would be more productive to say "I feel ignored when you do the dishes and don't seem to hear what I'm saying" If you use a harsher start up, she's going to be come defensive, especially since she has low self esteem.

 

And about the low self esteem...you can't change that. It's great that you tell her how wonderful she is and how much you love her. But she has to resolve that on her own. You can't give it to her. Unfortunately, it has an effect on your relationship. Do you think she'd explore some counseling to help with that?

[heloladies21]

she has no self confidence. I think that is what led her to talking to this other guy even though she has made up excuse after excuse about why that really happened. He made her feel good about herself. It is always nice to be wanted, you know?

No. She pulled this stunt in order to see if you truly cared about her. But your lukewarm response of surpressing your natural human response showed her that you don't care thatmuch about her. Think about it, you would only get upset, mad, jealous about someone that you care about.

 

When she cheated on me with the guy online, I never yelled at her. I never degrated her for what she did. I was very calm in how I talked things out with her. I think at times she's mad at me for NOT getting super mad at her. It hurt, but I didn't feel it was objective to yell at her. What would that have solved?

It would've shaowed her that you cared. That you were emotionally affected by what she did. This is the way girls think and communicate and either you learn and adapt how to speak this foreign language, you get constantly cheated on/dumped.

 

You sound like a nice guy, but it's to your own fault when it comes to chicks. Because they want to know above all else that you care about them. You accomplish this in many different ways and telling them is just one of them. But you have to back it up with the actions as this is the way chicks can tell if you are being honest with them or just putting up an act. So drop the nice guy act and start being real.

[shikashika]

I would worry about someone telling me they loved me 20 or 30 times a day.. especially after 4 months.. I would get suspicious and wonder if its fake or if they are just going out with me to boost their own ego..

 

thats just what it sounds like to me

[Honey Pumpkin]

I'm dating a 35 year old girl and I'm 25. She's been married twice and has one child and this is my first serious relationship.

 

This is fine, but just wanted to say that I think you guys are rushing it a LOT. Four months and she's telling you she loves you loads of time each day, emotionally unfaithful online, arguing intensely and you moving out there? I would take it down a step.

 

I think it might be that your girlfriend has deeper issues going on - self-esteem etc, which she isn't really addressing but using you to fill the gap. It's not healthy to have those intense relationships where everything gets turned on one person. I had a friend who reminds me a lot of your girlfriend, and she had a lovely boyfriend (younger as well) who just couldn't deal - he thought being super nice and super communicative would be the answer. And it was good, but because she didn't address her other issues, for him it was like pouring love and understanding into a bottomless well.

 

Love is great - caring is fantastic; but try not to lose yourself in the process, and I see echoes in your post that you are knocking yourself out trying to please someone who is unhappy.

 

Maybe even couples counselling might be a start? To make this work, especially if you're going ot live there too.

 

Good luck!