Trying hard not to act on anger

[Ladyface]

This urge to contact him just to say something scathing or bitter is eating at me. I know that I can't act on these angry feelings, but I'm literally shaking thinking about how much I'd love to give him a piece of my mind right now. I know I just have to tell myself that it will pass and that acting on it will make me look like a fool. But for anyone that is going through/has gone through this phase ... what did you do to take your mind off of/release your anger?

[HarleyHunny]

It's a natural feeling. Feel it, then let it go! ...When we continue to harbor anger toward another we are only hurting ourselves.......It's like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die!....Things you can do instead; Call some friends. Go shopping. Read a book. Meditate. Pray.

[shes2smart]

I wrote.

 

Pages and pages and pages.

 

Then I took them out to a secluded place at a park that I really liked, read them aloud to the trees and the critters, screamed, cried & carried on until it was all out, then I walked back to a picnic area, put the pages in a grill and burned them. After the ashes cooled, I scooped them up and scattered them in the wind.

 

I also ranted and raved in therapy.

 

Express it...just don't express it to him.

[hjc]

Definitely write it down. Either in a journal (and scatter to the four winds as has been suggested) or here or in a (and I stress this) DRAFT email to them.

 

I quite like keeping my old thoughts somewhere...so if I ever get to the stage where I want to see how far I have come, I can do so by re-reading where I was.

 

Key thing is not to send them anything.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

if you have a really good friend, take them out to lunch or dinner and tell them you will buy if they will listen to you rant about your ex for half hour becuase you need to get it off your chest.

 

actually, most friends will do that for free and will help you a lot by validating your anger.

 

physical activity is very good for this... go on a brisk walk or other sport you enjoy, and think about everything you are angry about, and walk til you are tired. when you are physcially exhausted it usually reduces the adrenaline and anger to a manageable amount.

 

and writing it out is a good idea to. just make a list of everything he did to infuriate you. it is also good to have that list whenever you are feeling nostalgic and missing him (those things come and go with anger in cycles), and that list will help you remember why you are broken up.

 

best of luck... anger is one stage on the way to healing, so the good news is you are moving along towards being healed, and the anger will pass after you've given it its due!

[Dako]

I agree with writing things down,

I wrote a lot, read it over and over as it grew in size until I reached a point where it no longer mattered, then I tore it up and put it in the trash.

I ground my wedding band to dust and scattered it in the wind.

You can't get even, so get over the anger.

[Ladyface]

Thanks, guys. It's been a really rough day, but I started it by working out at the gym and going tanning. I then wrote out a long e-mail to my ex and didn't send it. I was THIS close to sending him a text message or IMing him today online, but I didn't do it. I am SO proud of myself!

 

In case anyone's wondering, the reason I'm so angry right now is because yesterday I saw my ex with his rebound girl. I had never seen him with another girl before, and it triggered all sorts of bad feelings and put a lot of things in perspective. When I say "rebound girl," I'm calling her what HE literally calls her. My ex still talks to me on a regular basis and has told me numerous times that he has no feelings for this girl, doesn't care about her, and is "using her company" because he misses having a girl around. He and I were even having sex regularly when he first started hanging out with her (he tells me he hasn't slept with her; she is more of a "cuddle buddy"). You can all rest assured, he is getting no more sex from me!

 

When I saw them yesterday, I had the strongest urge to look the girl in the eye and say "We had sex four times last week, honey. Did he tell you that?" I didn't, of course; I said hello and smiled politely. I can just tell that he's not into this girl at all and only hangs out with her because she's cute and has a crush on him. When he and I started dating, he was all about me, couldn't keep his hands off me in public, was always bringing me flowers and introducing me to his friends and spending all his free time with me. None of our mutual friends have met this girl yet (many don't even know about her) and when I saw them together, they weren't holding hands or talking or anything.

 

I guess it doesn't really matter; I am just SO MAD that he is rebounding. I know that the best thing I can do is just wait it out and let his rebound run its course ... and in the meantime, I need to get as far away from this situation as possible!

 

But I have a new dilemma now:

 

He lives right around the corner from me (and will for the next year and a half), we have many mutual friends and we bump into each other regularly. For this reason, NC isn't really possible. I'd like to keep things cordial so that I don't feel I have to avoid him for the next year and a half. I'm considering sending him the e-mail I drafted, which tells him that it hurts too much to be friends (especially with benefits) and that I need alone time for a while. What would you guys recommend?

 

Also, I have some of his stuff that I want to get back to him so he doesn't have an excuse to come over and get it. Is simply leaving it on his doorstep passive-aggressive? Or is it a good way to drop the "I'm done" hint?

 

Thanks for all the help!

[Zaphod]

Is simply leaving it on his doorstep passive-aggressive?

 

Without contact that could be construed as slightly sly, from a man's point of view. Sure leave the stuff on his doorstep but I think you must contact him first to check it's going to be ok, he's going to be in, etc. etc.

 

I know it's NOT sly, you and I know that, but he doesn't.

[Ladyface]

I know it's NOT sly, you and I know that, but he doesn't.

 

Right, I don't want to come off like a b**** or anything; I'm not trying to take a stab at him or make him feel bad. I just want to get his stuff off my hands so I can feel like some weight is off my shoulders. I will probably text him some time within the next couple days and ask if I can drop off his stuff at a certain time. I'm just afraid he'll ask why I want to drop his stuff off or he'll want me to drop it off face-to-face - both of which may lead to an emotional breakdown for me.

 

This is so petty and dumb. Oh, relationships.

[finewhine]

I'm glad you quit sleeping with him. Maybe you shouldn't talk to him either, while you're at it. If you're still hanging out and banging, it's like you haven't even broken up.

[pacopaco]

This urge to contact him just to say something scathing or bitter is eating at me. I know that I can't act on these angry feelings, but I'm literally shaking thinking about how much I'd love to give him a piece of my mind right now. I know I just have to tell myself that it will pass and that acting on it will make me look like a fool. But for anyone that is going through/has gone through this phase ... what did you do to take your mind off of/release your anger?

 

Don't so that. what would it serve? only his ego. Write it all down, but write it terms of him (i.e. iam so angry at YOU, etc.) I went through the same thing, and stopped myself. I said "what the hell is this going to do for ME?" I am what is important here, not her. she can go to hell, and the best thing to do is not to speak for good or ill.

[Ladyface]

An update on my situation -

 

Today I left his stuff for him on his doorstep at a time I knew he would be home and texted him telling him I had done it. I knew this could have been interpreted as "sly" or passive-aggressive, but I just wanted his stuff off my hands as a first step towards FINALLY moving on.

 

He didn't respond to my text, but IMed me just a while ago to thank me and remind me that he still had some of my stuff that he'd drop off soon. He then asked how I was doing and we had a very brief conversation about school. This is the best reaction I could have asked for - he didn't take my actions as hostile and we had a cordial conversation, something we haven't had in weeks. The past couple weeks have been very hard - we have both said some disrespectful things and I realized we didn't have respect for each other anymore - this is why I wanted to cut off the sex and communication. So I think he understands that this is the end, and understands my reasons (seeing him with another girl) and isn't angry.

 

Leaving his stuff for him left me feeling very bittersweet. I feel very empowered one moment and very depressed the next. But at least I'm not feeling depressed all the time, and I finally feel like I've put my foot down and let him know that I won't let myself be walked all over. I have a feeling we won't be speaking or seeing each other for a long while and I'm okay with that. I'm supposed to go to a mutual friend's 21st birthday party on Friday but I'm sure he will be there so I think I'll pass, and I hope my friend will understand. I just need to clear my head and learn how to love myself again to the point where he can't possibly bring me down.

[kate111]

I think you have to suppose that what he is doing to this other girl he did to you. Unfortunately.

 

Perhaps I am jaded by my own experiences, but the stuff my ex did to others he ended up doing to me. Running away from things suddenly, taking off when the going got tough. He had done it to others but never thought he'd do it to me.

 

You have to ask yourself what he is saying about you if he is saying all that bad stuff about the other girl.

 

Don't get angry at him though. Or else blow up and then do no contact.