Trying to figure myself out. Opinions Welcome.

[GQstatus]

It will be 7 days of NC tomorrow. My eyes have opened up so much not just during this last week, but the week before. I've just now, noticed the long pattern I've been in since about 14 years old. And I'm determined to find out WHY.

 

I grew up in a middle class family. Nice house, nice neighborhood, wasn't spoiled rotten but still was very well taken care of. My parents did get divorced when I was 16/17 after 25 years of marriage, but it was a clean split. Even though from about 13 years old, I had a feeling they would split eventually, I never personally witnessed a "bad marriage".

 

I started dating girls when I was like 12-13 years old. Started off innocently with girls in my neighborhood, that came from the same type of "life" I did. When I was 14 I met this girl I'll call C. She came from the "other side of the tracks", didn't really know her real father, lived in section 8 housing, was molested by her uncle twice (he was jailed, and told to never come within 500 feet of her ever again). She was "broken". Her family had no money.

 

My dad was a lead sales man for a large food corporation at the time. And his warehouse was stocked with every type of food/desert imaginable. There was a couple times me and my friends would go over there to get mass amounts of ice cream (stoner days), and I'd always fill a box up with a whole bunch of food and bring it to her mom. We had a very unhealthy relationship. Both cheated on eachother numerous times in the 2 years we were together. But I always helped her out in anyway I could. She was my first "love", and almost 10 years later she's one of my best friends. Her family is like my other family.

 

From there on out Ive had numerous relationships. Only 3 serious, but at least 10-15 petty ones (3-6 months). And ALL have come from the same type of dysfunction. And the weird thing is, most the time I didn't know these girls came from that type of background until after we started dating. I always seem to date these "lost" type of girls.

 

I'm no saint, by any means. But I do have a big heart, and I'm extremely open minded. I've always been very street smart, even coming from a nice home. I moved to a large city at age 16, was friends with kids from all walks of life. At one point I was into drugs, and breaking the law...but I grew out of that by age 18.

 

I just can't, for the life of me, figure out why these are the types of girls I date. Or even why these types of girls seem to just find me. My recent ex is by far the most screwed up. And I truly believe why she connected to me so quickly in the beginning, is because she knew I wouldn't hurt her like she had been in the past. I KNOW she did/does feel "safe" with me. She knows where I came from, she knows my family, and has questioned what I "even saw in her" in the past.

 

I'm not one to judge people based on where they come from. And she was no different. I'm not just "talking her up", but she is extremely pretty. She started modeling at a very young age, and if she got her act together could easily continue along that path. At the same time, she's very insecure. Which I'm sure stems from her past/childhood.

 

This is more of a rant than anything. I'm just determined to figure this out. I HATE the thought of forcing myself to go to therapy cuz I've always had this 'I can figure things out on my own' attitude. Like father like son lol.

 

But I'm really considering doing it. I know a lot of my qualities stem from my mother. She's the sweetest woman I've ever met, and has always offerered a helping hand to people from all walks of life. But, she doesn't date them. She's very professional, has a great job, and a very professional bf whom she will soon marry.

 

I remember in 4th grade, we got assigned 2nd grade "buddies". That once a week we'd do arts and crafts with them etc. Out of about 40 kids, one was handicap. I don't remember what he had. But his brain was that of a very young child, he couldn't walk without those crutch type things, and drooled a lot (I'm not saying that to be mean), he didn't have much power over anything he did. The 2 teachers, paired the kids up, and he was assigned to me. His name was Eric, and I will never forget him.

 

I remember being kind of upset that I got him at first. I felt like it was because something was wrong with ME. I went home that night upset, and told my mom I didn't understand why my teacher assigned him to me. Little to my knowledge my teacher had already talked to my mother that day, I guess he could tell I was upset. He told my mom they assigned Eric to me, because he felt I would "Be the best with him". I remember my mom telling me that, and hearing HER say it, made me knew it was ok.

 

About 5 years later, at age 14-15 I was walking up to the park with some of my buddies. I hear someone yelling from far away my name. I turn around, to see Eric riding his bike with training wheels as fast as he can down the street with a big smile on his face. This kid remembered me, and I can't even tell you how good it felt.

 

This is turning into more of a diary then asking for advice. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has had a streak like mine? Or has any clue as to why I constantly find myself in relationships with girls that need to be fixed. Is it me?

[Daddy Bear]

Are you familiar with the term "broken-wing syndrome"?

[GQstatus]

No I'm not. Fill me in..

[Brooke657]

haha I love your name "GQstatus"

[Daddy Bear]

That's when you're continually attracted to people who have severe emotional problems, hoping that you'll be able to help them get straightened out somehow. It differs from a martyr complex in that you're not really looking for trouble in the case of BWS.

[GQstatus]

Thanks brooke, we can't all be GQ

 

I get what you're saying bloke, but I stopped "trying to help her" quite a while ago. I tried to avail after about the first 6 months we were together. She started to turn her life around, and expressed to me how good it felt, and how she was considering going back to therapy.

 

Unfortunately, she had a death in the family, which brought her back to that life. Kind of like she gave up at that point, and went back to doing things "the only way she knew". I know that you personally, can't change people, people need to change on their own. And need to want to change. She's used to the drama, and it's something I've never given her.

 

She's used to guys chasing after her, and told me in the beginning one of the things that attracted her to me the most was the fact I didn't fill her with compliments 24/7. And they were more along the lines of "You're funny, you make me laugh..not too many girls can do that"...not "GOD YOU ARE SO HOT!".

 

On a side note, fellas. If you happen to meet a very attractive woman, don't hound her with compliments, she's heard them all. Instead, say "You know, you'd be a lot hotter with brown hair", she'll crawl to you. Hahaha.

 

Honestly though, I sometimes wonder if she runs away because things are too "normal" with us. She's used to yelling, screaming, abuse of all types. When we got into arguments, I always kept my cool (except for a few cases). To the point she'd follow me around TRYING to fight. The first split, she told me after we started talking again that she thought "I was done, and got over her" just simply because I stopped calling. She knew I loved her, but because I didn't put up a "fight", she thought I didn't want her.

[jenny_mcs]

If your life is filled with people from all walks of life, but you always date girls with troubled backgrounds and lots of problems and dysfunction, then yes, it is you.

 

Maybe it makes you feel good to feel like you are “saving” them. Maybe, since this started at a young age, it’s what you are used to (the drama). Maybe you are insecure, so girls who have their act together intimidate you. It’s hard to say.

 

I guess start at the beginning. Think back on your last couple of girlfriends. What was it about them that really drew you in, made you want to call them, seek them out, date them, fall for them?

[GQstatus]

I think you're right Jenny. I am "used" to it, even all of the drama. It feels good to anyone when you can "help" someone. But I'm in no way, a push over. I have a backbone, and have no problem backing out either. I've been the dumper more times than not.

 

As far as girls with their act together, intimidating me. I don't really see that. My gf before this one, was 26, had a degree, her own place, completely independent. But go figure, 2 months in, I find out she also came from a bad place. She had been sexually abused, not by family, but close. After 4 months, I felt like I WAS her life, and it started to weigh on me. I ended it.

 

Serious relationship before that, was also with a very put together girl. The best I had, no doubt. Started late in high school, and continued til we were 19. Unfortunately at that time in my life, I was into more of the social scene. Along with drugs, didn't work, didn't care for much but myself. She was 4.0 ending high school, went straight to college, continued her 4.0, had her own place, and was extreeeeeemley intelligent. She eventually got fed up, begged literally, for me to change. I went into defense mode, and never thought she'd leave. She did. And is now married with 1 kid. And I couldn't be more happy for her.

 

So, I guess I can't say I've ALWAYS dated these types.

 

Things that "drew me in" to these girls...

The high school girl (one thats married)- I was new at this school, she had a lot of guys chasing after her. I saw this, and it was more of a "challenge". We were friends for a good 2 months, and eventually just started dating.

 

26 yr old - I'm not going to lie, it was the sex. We were also friends for a short period, and had a very strong sexual attraction. Although I was attracted to her, the chemistry really wasn't there.

 

My current ex - We met 5 years ago, through family. I thought she was extremely annoying and paid no attention to her at all the week we had to spend together. (I was 19 she was 15), so was just another reason not to get involved. We didn't speak for the next 3 years, or see eachother. We reunited summer 05 by chance, and instantly bonded. The chemistry was laid on THICK. She was extremely beautiful, had an awesome sense of humor, and her personality was the kind everyone is drawn to.

 

It's like she puts on this big show 90% of the time. That she's happy as ever. But she's the furthest from it.

 

When we split the first time, she told me when she had a bad day, she'd sit in her room and look at old pictures of us, and it would make her feel better. Told me she went back "into her shell" after I left, and started pretending things were fine.