going backwards?

[1coollady]

hey guys i was just wondering if anyone has ever experienced this.. my boyfriend and i have been together for about 8 months and recently we've been having a few problems. last night he told me that he felt it would be better if we stopped being intimate with each other, he says he still wants to be in a relationship with me, but less serious than what we are now. we've both been so stressed out about a lot of things (i'm in my hardest year of college, and he's graduating next semester, we're both studying abroad this summer in different places and this other woman that likes him is going too, so that's been stressful)

he said no sex for a while we agreed that we need to stop stressing and just enjoy each other.. the other night he told me i'm his world, but said he's just felt disconnected to me lately (and we've had like 3 arguments in the past month so i realize i haven't made it easy for him to feel super loving towards me) i don't know how to bring that connection back.. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that neither of us have been this close to anyone before, and it's scary. there's a lot more to it, but that's the main idea..

 

i really don't know if taking a step backwards is just the beginning of the end or if it will make us happier.. i'd love to hear others' opinions/experiences..

[BeStrongBeHappy]

hmmm.... he is being very confusing, telling you you are his world, then saying let's just enjoy each other, but not be intimate... isn't being intimate enjoying one another?

 

you say, 'this other woman that likes him is going too', do you mean going abroad with him? do you think he is cooling it with you, so he can claim he broke up with you and be with her?

 

this sounds like a variation on the 'let's just be friends' breakup theme... i don't know about anyone else, but if someone i was dating told me he wanted to stop having sex, i would assume that is a breakup, and maybe he just wants to ease out of the relationship slowly, rather than working on building a relationship.

 

so i think you might want to really question him about why he wants to stop having sex, and what does that mean? is he now free to date other people,or still committed to you, or ambivalent about sex? and how long is 'a while' in terms of stopping sex? i think he needs to answer all these questions, since being in limbo half in and half out of a relationship where you have been having sex an be very painful and confusing.

 

i guess i am just suspiscious of his motives... most people who stop having sex when they are boyfriend/girlfriend usually break up... and does not having sex with you mean he can/intends to have sex with other people?

[1coollady]

we have talked about some of these things and it's really not that he wants to have sex with anyone else, that girl included.. i guess to him being intimate makes things more serious, and we're trying to get away from that. i know i am such a huge part of his world and even as we were talking about this he kept saying how this has been the best year of his life and most of that is because of me. but the whole idea of stepping backwards does sound like just an extended break up to me now..

neither of us really wanted to be in a serious relationship to begin with, but when we met, we both just fell so hard that it was hard to be friends, and we ended up being in a relationship anyway..

[isisastaria]

I would assume that if a MALE suggests less sex he is:

a) Highly religious

b) Very very sick

c) Interested in someone else.

 

Hate to put it like that, but honesty is the best policy

[Aleadragonhawk]

It sounds like you're both going through a very stressful time, and it can be really hard to deal with a relationship when there are a lot of stressors in your life. I think it sounds pretty healthy for him to be wanting to take a step back right now, but you need to talk with him and make sure of where you stand and what you both are going to expect out of your changed relationship.

[1coollady]

just an update.. his female friend that was causing problems is completely out of the picture now (it's kind of complicated, but basically she was just lonely because she has no friends, which is her own fault, and using him for attention and to do everything for her since he is the nicest person in the world... i had told him this before, but he didnt listen. this week, his roommate and another friend both told him she was doing this too. i guess he just thought i was being jealous when i brought it up, but either way, he believes us all now so she's gone and our arguments are over. she's the only thing we've ever argued about.)

we're both agnostic, so religion isn't really an issue with us.

it's just that we were both so stressed out, and the arguments on top of that did not help. this week he decided what he's doing after college, too (staying in our town for a few years. i'll be here another year, too, so yayyyyy)

so now he's a little less stressed, and we probably won't be arguing very much anymore. so things are looking up

i think it will just take a little time for us to recover from all this drama and hopefully things will be normal again soon..

i just don't know how to get that "connection" back. maybe give him some space? i've been trying to do that but its hard because this has made me feel a bit hurt, and he's what makes me the happiest and forget about my problems, so i want him around a lot. i didn't initiate hanging out w/ him for two days and he invited me to see him both days.

what do you think?