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Why is it so hard to find a nice guy????


skyblue1
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I think the harder you look for that "nice guy" the harder it gets to find them and youd want so much to find that one that one simple characteristic in a "jerky" guy can make him seem like that nice guy and find out the truth later. IF you stop looking he will find you when you least expect it and when you need him most and youll know its him so listen to his words and not go by him appearance. Some of the nicest guys arent all that attractive like a sex godd but he'll be cute and say all the right things.

 

Most of my friends who have married or become engaged to good guys (9 in the last two years) found them by being proactive - they answered in line ads, did activities that attracted men (like playing tennis) - it is very romantic, that notion of "stop looking and he will find you" and "you'll find him when you need him most" but it isn't so realistic particularly for women in their 30s and 40s who want to have or adopt children.

 

If as "nice" you're referring to men who are passive and not that attractive I am not sure how that qualifies them as "nice" and also not sure how "saying all the right things" qualifies as nice - that sounds like it could be fairly insincere and fake. I know many guys who are nice - meaning - assertive, confident, sincere and genuine - who are gorgeous, and who have the whole range of physical features from unattractive to gorgeous.

 

I think it's a big mistake for women to expect that a "nice" guy will find them when they need them most - neediness is a great basis for a short term relationship - but for a healthy, balanced relationship it has to be based on desire and some sort of "spark" -- and I do not believe that can be found with a guy who acts like a jerk - initially that can be exciting and thrilling but it wears off quickly when the passion fades a bit and you want a solid partner.

 

On the other hand if "nice" means "says all the right things" and on the passive side, that's not too solid either -- typically those yes people who smile all the time and say all the right things are the ones that really lose it - really blow up and get abusive when they have finally had enough of being taken for granted and are tired of repressing it in order to seek approval. I've seen it, experienced it, it's not pretty and it's certainly not "nice."

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I think girls totally look at this in the wrong way. For some reason, two meanings have gotten wrapped up in the phrase "nice guy" - 1) to be loving and intimate and 2) to have a certain attitude, way of being, hobbies etc.

 

The two are capable of being entirely distinct, and as far as 1) goes, I don't you'll find anyone capable of more passion than people in that catagoery - men or women.

 

Ultimately, find what you want at the time, but don't discount the singles and couples who take a different approach to fullfilling their lives. For some, starring into the eyes of the girl they love for just a second is worth more than every night out drinking in a lifetime.

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I think girls totally look at this in the wrong way. For some reason, two meanings have gotten wrapped up in the phrase "nice guy" - 1) to be loving and intimate and 2) to have a certain attitude, way of being, hobbies etc.

 

The two are capable of being entirely distinct, and as far as 1) goes, I don't you'll find anyone capable of more passion than people in that catagoery - men or women.

 

Which is what screws over people like me, which is what has coated my heart with a hatred and rage I have never experienced before... I know it's wrong, but there is nothing that can be done...

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that's because you girls only SAY you go for nice guys but really DO go for bad guys.your instinct tells you that you want to transmit good genes to your offspring so you have to select good mating material. and macho guys who seem so confident send you those strong signals that make you go for them... But if u really want a nice guy don't go to places where they don't come such as discos,bars,etc... Date at your workplace or go to a computerclub (nerds !) or something... Make the first move as nice guys are shy...

Say what???????

 

You don't know me homie! I have never been attracted to macho-type guys, never. I am selective when choosing a mate and yes, it is incredibly difficult to find intelligent "nice" guys.

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I have to say it is for both sexes! There's no flashing sign that says

 

"Single, Intelligent, Fulfilling, Captivating. NO MONEY DOWN!"

 

I dislike this polarized debate. I'm a multi-faceted person. I don't want to be slotted in 1 or 2, this or that, one or the other. It's ridiculous!

 

Being nice doesn't entail being a doormat and a spineless wussy! Being nice doesn't mean you agree with everything your SO says! Since when did needy mean nice?

 

You can be nice and outgoing. You can be nice and still enjoy making fun of someone. You can be nice and still stand up for yourself. You can be nice and still be a physically fit, sports fan! Lance Armstrong doesn't come off as a jerk, does he?!

 

But niceness or masculine (or feminine) features aren't something that can make a relationship solely. Human chemistry, like in science, requires all sorts of different components and reactions between two people before you can create something special. And most of this lies within someone's personality. Of course physical attraction matters, but spiritual bonding and attraction, I really do believe, trump a lot of what physical attraction brings to the table.

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I have to say it is for both sexes! There's no flashing sign that says

 

"Single, Intelligent, Fulfilling, Captivating. NO MONEY DOWN!"

 

I dislike this polarized debate. I'm a multi-faceted person. I don't want to be slotted in 1 or 2, this or that, one or the other. It's ridiculous!

 

Being nice doesn't entail being a doormat and a spineless wussy! Being nice doesn't mean you agree with everything your SO says! Since when did needy mean nice?

 

You can be nice and outgoing. You can be nice and still enjoy making fun of someone. You can be nice and still stand up for yourself. You can be nice and still be a physically fit, sports fan! Lance Armstrong doesn't come off as a jerk, does he?!

 

I agree completely with that.

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Actually I agree it is hard to find intelligent, nice men.

 

I found my fiance after dating stream after stream of jerk wad's...but here's the thing...I chose to date them!

 

This is 100% true...when I refused to date anyone but someone who was what I wanted, BOOM my fiance was there within a month.

 

When you don't know what you want, when you don't have higher standards, you put out the vibe that you'll deal with rejects. It's a cold hard fact of nature

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The obvious answer is usually the right one. You cant get to know someone unless you get involved with them. You aren't going to get involved with someone unless you are initially attracted to them. Nice guys do exist, thus > you do not find nice guys initially attractive. Most girls are naturally attracted to the "bad boy" or something of the like, the guy who knows how to push pull correctly (among other things). Its too bad more guys dont cultivate both those sides of their personality, and its too bad a great number of women are hard wired to be attracted to a wild guy and later want a nice guy.

 

This is so true ! Remember guys who are just after a bit of fun, display a lot of confidence when talking to a girl they are not really into. This is becase he has little emotional interest in the connection and thereforeeee little to lose by the rejection. This comes accross as confidence.

 

The nice guy who may really like you, has a lot of emotions connected with being with you and thereforeeee has a lot more to lose if rejected. So they will come accross as not confident. Result : a turnoff.

 

Solution: Women give them a chance ! Get to know them, dont just go for the confident guy who appears to be nice, he is fooling no one but you and by the time you realise what type of man he is, your on heartbreak road, looking for that hotel we all know....

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The ''nice guy'' is likely the average looking guy[who you likely have no interest in dating] who is shy ,inarticulate,bumbling,awkward socially who will likely never approach you because he assumes you will reject him.

 

Agree 100%

 

(Men often say in humour, what women want and what they say they want are 100% the oposite).

 

Do you want the guy with the instant excitement.... Its instant for a reason, its false... As you have found out the hard way.

 

Or do you want the guy where once you have gotten to know each other, the excitement is there.

 

As an interesting thought. Guys often talk about sex.

 

A girl who is easy to get into bed and is a sure thing is genearaly not as good in bed as someone who you have taken the time to get to know and share lovemaking.

 

Its the same for the excitement of love and romance.

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The ''nice guy'' is likely the average looking guy[who you likely have no interest in dating] who is shy ,inarticulate,bumbling,awkward socially who will likely never approach you because he assumes you will reject him.[/QUOT

 

Yes, if the term "nice guy" is just a euphemism for shy/passive. It's a shame that "nice" has to take on that connotation with respect to men because it certainly doesn't sound very "nice" - sounds more like "nice" as it pertains to a puppy dog who jumps every time you call.

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This is so true ! Remember guys who are just after a bit of fun, display a lot of confidence when talking to a girl they are not really into. This is becase he has little emotional interest in the connection and thereforeeee little to lose by the rejection. This comes accross as confidence.

 

The nice guy who may really like you, has a lot of emotions connected with being with you and thereforeeee has a lot more to lose if rejected. So they will come accross as not confident. Result : a turnoff.

 

Solution: Women give them a chance ! Get to know them, dont just go for the confident guy who appears to be nice, he is fooling no one but you and by the time you realise what type of man he is, your on heartbreak road, looking for that hotel we all know....

 

Yes, this is true! I swear it! My friend is VERY confident because he DOES NOT look for serious relationships. He views them all on equal levels. He moves on becaus she views no one special. Why do girls make assumptions like that? Right down to messing up the meaning of "nice guy". They make it hard on themselves and us and they blame us for it! Anyone should be able to give someone one indiiferent a chance. I have and have turned out to like them, but it was too late. And I know it was my own fault.

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I think it's fine to look for a serious relationship as long as you're not desperate or needy. If a man told me he was just looking to date around, I might go on a date with him but I would keep my distance emotionally and date others until he changed his mind.

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The ''nice guy'' is likely the average looking guy[who you likely have no interest in dating] who is shy ,inarticulate,bumbling,awkward socially who will likely never approach you because he assumes you will reject him.

 

Guess you havent met me yet lol ...I think (and this is no cocky ego attitude here speaking) but if you saw a picture of me it would change your tune to that quote ...

 

I play the nice guy role because that is how i was brought up ...and in my last relationship i played a million roles to a girl who didnt understand what it meant to be in a stable happy relationship ..plus the ex ruined everything yet again ...

but anyway i always go above and beyond to make someone im interested in happy ...Ive never had a problem meeting woman and having relationships, but i think my nice guy personality is somewhat of the reason why woman look else where or become obsessive and psycho when things dont work out ...

 

My personality and humor factors are what really separates me from every other guy, Im not afraid to step it up or make it clear im interested in someone..i was once told i have the street and book smarts of a million dollar bachelor ...i just am the way i am and never have changed even through all the heartache...but currently im having an awakening that maybe i shouldnt be so nice, that some woman walk all over you and leave you high and dry when they are done ...

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Yes, if the term "nice guy" is just a euphemism for shy/passive. It's a shame that "nice" has to take on that connotation with respect to men because it certainly doesn't sound very "nice" - sounds more like "nice" as it pertains to a puppy dog who jumps every time you call.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I was only referring to ''initial attraction'' and flirting.I am shy and passive at first but am actually quite opinionated and certainly would not act like a puppy dog who jumps every time a woman calls.I just meant perhaps women will often overlook the shy,quiet guy who is rather low key.No one is shy or quiet once you get to know them.The most passionate, interesting people I have ever met have all been shy.

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I think there is a difference between a nice guy and a good guy. I am by no means a nice guy as I wont let someone walk over me even a bit and I'll freely admit that I can be a jerk sometimes and have a bit of a swagger, but I do consider myself a good guy.

 

Good guys are strong, honest, loyal, caring and treat women with respect but at the same time are not afraid to put their foot down when being taken advantage of.

 

Nice guys have some of the same qualities as good guys but give the impression of being weak and shy and girls clearly take advantage of them.

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Here's my $0.02:

I basically agree with those who said that the "nice" guys are generally the ones that are shy and reserved, who aren't as aggressive towards women. I think girls fall for jerks (or guys who end up being the wrong choice) because they were simply the guy that took action. I'm all for being forward, but the guys who go out and "hit" on girls might get more dates, but that's the thing, they get dates not serious relationships. The biggest misconception I think girls make is that because a guy is exclusively dating them, the guy wants a relationship. Truth is that many guys stay with one girl because otherwise he has to work to get another one; it is easier for him to get sex/attention when he is seeing a girl. He has the emotional/physical needs and they are being satisfied by the girl. But eventually many of them get bored or find a different girl they feel compelled to have. MEN HUNT AND WOMEN NEST. There will always be more women that want relationships than men. I think that is why we all have heard the cliche of women complaining "there are no nice guys out there" It is because they usually go for the more aggressive guys, the ones that make it easy for them to get a boyfriend because the guy comes to THEM so there is little effort for the girl. So the more aggressive guys are the more likely they are like that because they're going for numbers and not relationships, or they just want their emotional/physical needs fullfilled.

 

I think the "nice" guys are the ones that actually want a relationship, that will treat a girl with respect and devotion. To me a serious relationship means that you hold your significant other's well being very high, while still focusing on your own needs. One step further is marriage, where you always put your wife/husband's well being before your own.

 

The nice guys are the ones that are into the girl for his needs BUT ALSO for a greater reason: for who the girl is, because he is mystified by her and seeks specifically her company and wants to be the guy who makes her happy.

 

Does that make sense?

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