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Right, I have a major urge to email my ex or something write now...so I'm going to right out exactly what I would say right here. I can't find my diary, so I'm afraid I've got to vent on here instead!

 

 

I don't know why I do this to myself. We've already established that you deal with difficult situations by ignoring them. You cut Chris out of your life because you didn't like him anymore, thereby alienating god knows how many of your other friends. You just disposed of him. Now I've become the latest person to be erased. When I talked to Kirsty after we broke up she said that when you did that to him, she was so scared for me, but didn't know what to do. That you had completely destroyed one of her best friends, whilst completely fulfilling the other. So she just decided to watch in the background. Unfortunately, because I decided I didn't want anyone to dislike you should we sort it out...I kept absolutely everything in, didn't tell anybody how often I cried about us, how much it hurt when you cancelled on me for petty ridiculous reasons, and then didn't bother to apologise. So she didn't get to see that you were starting to treat me like the disposable commodity you seem to think that people are.

 

I am so so so sad that we had to end like this. If I didn't know better, I'd say that you were cutting off contact for both our sakes. But the fact is, I DO know better. If you were doing that, you wouldn't have said "I'll answer anything you want" and then not replied to the questions I did ask. If you were doing that, after *YOU* told me you missed me at 1am, then rang me and asked me to go to Beacon, and told me you would ring me the next day...you would have replied to me the next day, saying that it was a drunken mistake to contact me.

 

No that isn't what's going on at all. You just decide that whatever I ask you is just too difficult to have to deal with and decide not to do anything about it. I understand that it might not be easy. I get that. Don't you think it was difficult for me to answer the phone to you that night? God Ant...I seriously thought I was going to die that night. Talking to you was more difficult than I ever could have imagined. Hearing your voice was the most bittersweet experience of my life. But I still did it, because...I don't know why. I should have just ignored you like you ignored me. I should have just let you stew at the other end like you did so easily to me.

 

I just can't fathom what I did to deserve this. I've thought back over our whole time together so much since you ended it. All I can think is that when you asked for love I gave you it, and you just weren't expecting that to happen. When we got together...you said that your previous girlfriends just hadn't been nice to you before. So was it that? I don't understand. I sent you those presents when I knew you were down. I spent money I should have spent on you know....food and all that....on visiting you, and contacting you. And the whole time I was finding ways to make sure you didn't have to worry about me being at uni, you were just subtly making sure you wouldn't have to bother with me anymore.

 

You said you just assumed that I'd go to uni and meet someone. So did you ever trust me? I've already decided that there's absolutely no way you could have ever loved me. People don't fall in and out of love that quickly, it doesn't happen. People don't treat the people they love like you did. Love means Trust and Respect, and I'd have to be blind and deaf to think that you had any kind of respect for me after what you let me go through.

 

I thought the other day "Ok...what would you have done if you were in his position? Feeling weird and not knowing what to do?" Then realised "Wait. You thought you were in that position" I saw that things weren't right, and tried to change. I acknowledged to you that I thought I wasn't treating you like I should, apologised and actively sought to change what I was doing. I changed my pill because I thought that was what it was doing this to me. You knew that I was doing all that. You knew that I was beginning to think that I couldn't trust my own mind. Do you have any idea how scary that is? You knew I was doing all that, you KNEW. And you let me carry on. Because it was easier for you to see me go through all of that than for you to say "I think this is wrong".

 

You can't tell me it was too difficult to reply to me. I know how difficult it is to be wrong and confront that. You ensured that. So what is your excuse? You can bet I won't just forgive you like I did so many times before. I never should have forgiven you when you stood me up at the beginning. Remember that? 3 hours at the bus stop? Me walking 4 miles back to get a cab because there were no buses? The taxi driver saw that there was something wrong. I told him that I'd just been left waiting for that long by my new boyfriend. He told me I shouldn't waste anymore of my time on you, because you'll just end up hurting me and not give a crap about doing it. How right he was.

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