Horrible guilt and depression (kinda long)

[SheWolf]

This may sound strange, and before I begin I know a lot of you that will be reading this will possibly tell me to seek therapy. Since I in no way could afford such a thing (seriously if I could I would all ready be there, and not be having to rely on an online forum.) I will be seeking advice here. Now, I will begin...

 

This normally tends to happen at night when all the fuss and stress of the day has left and I am relaxing at home alone with my husband or about to go to bed. I start to feel deeply depressed and horribly guilty about either some things I did that day, or things I have done before. And before I know it, other guilty and depressing memories are being conjured, and I start to feel overwelmed.

 

Depression runs in my family, my mom was diagnosed with it and I (never being diagnosed with it) have a huge feeling that I too have it. Now, I have a horrible explosive temper and tend to lash out at my soon-to-be-turning seven year old brother, parents, and sometimes my husband. I try not to be so mean or cruel, but I get irritated so easily. Is that normal?

 

My brother is extremely loud and it's nearly impossible to watch TV or do anything that envolves paying attention to something besides him when I am over my parent's. I go over there a lot because my husband and I are slightly poor, and don't always have the money to afford groceries and my parents are generous enough to fix us dinner as well as them. Anyways, I tend to yell and get angry with my little brother because he can be quite irritating. I also tend to argue and get angry with my parents because they almost ALWAYS take his side when we fight. And sometimes I get fustrated and take it out on my wonderful husband... When all of this is over, even if I've made up with them and they no longer care I feel extremely depressed and guilty and like I said before it conjures up other memories of other times when I've done wrong and hurt people...

 

But another thing is, and I promise I'll try and make it as short and blunt as possible, even when the day is perfect and I haven't fought with anyone and have had just the best day... a weird thing happens to me later, I get depressed. And it seems the better the day I've had the worse I feel later. I don't understand it at all. I just get overwelmed. And another thing, I'll find happy memories and linger on them and suddenly feel sad about them, now this can be as simple as my mom giggling over which slice of pie to choose at lunch or whatever you get what I mean, something that's not a big of a deal at all.

 

And the longer I stay around my family the more I feel sad later, I feel as if I can never fully enjoy their company because one day they'll die... I know it sounds horrible, but that feeling crosses through my mind so many times. Can someone please give me advice, I'm not asking for someone to analyze it or anything, just some advice. I've been feeling like this for the longest time, and I hate it.

[honeyspur]

This may sound strange, and before I begin I know a lot of you that will be reading this will possibly tell me to seek therapy. Since I in no way could afford such a thing (seriously if I could I would all ready be there, and not be having to rely on an online forum.) I will be seeking advice here.

 

 

Therapy for free is quite possible. You just need to look for it.

Most people suffering from depression (myself included) have difficulty putting forth great effort because of the fear of failure/rejection.

I suggest you break this mold and start your hunt for free therapy.

 

You will get advice here - but only snippets of the full therapy you need from a professional.

You must step outside of the box and approach this like more of a risk taker. Pick up the phone book and start calling therapists.

Not to set up an appointment, but to simply ask them some questions about where you could find free therapy, how to sign up for assistance, etc.

This may not sound appealing to you - but it is merely a bump in the long road to wellness.

The boring old adage, "You must go through pain to reach happiness" is actually true.

 

Now, I will say a few things, as I have the same issue you do and though I consider myself greatly healed, I still go through bouts of not wanting to get out of bed, isolating myself from friends and feeling sad even though my day was eventless.

Being depressed for decades causes something very strange.....it causes depression "habit" - being depressed with no reason.

Anyone who grows up with depressed parents is forced to take on the habits the parents created.

This may be why you feel it's starting to happen to you, even though you have not been diagnosed.

To be raised by depression is to become somewhat comfortable with it. (this usually comes in the form of thinking "I will always be like this - there is nothing I can do - there is no way out" - thus forcing yourself to remain in the depression - with what is familiar instead of unknown.)

It might not seem fair - it seems too simple for the kind of pain depression brings.

 

You might want to consider what an opportune time this is to create a new identity. One who recognizes the possibility of having depression, but is not going to allow it to take control.

Yes, going to a therapist is necessary. You can put it off until you are truly ready - but you will have to go at some point.

The longer we wait - the harder things become - so what choice seems best?

 

What courage you've shown, coming here and looking for support. Your instincts are treating you well, so follow them and make efforts to insure your future happiness and motivation.

Start practicing. Break the mold your family created. Be the one to inspire them with your courage and no-nonsense approach.

[SheWolf]

Thank you.

[SheWolf]

Maybe depression is to explain for my sleeping habits. I can sleep nonstop for nearly twelve hours at a time and no matter what I tend to stay lethargic.

[SheWolf]

But seriously when I get happy or excited I'm almost to the point of bouncing off the walls but just like a snap of a finger if the smallest detail goes wrong I'll snap into either super anger or sobbing sad. It's weird, I've kind of always been like that.

[honeyspur]

I agree with you. I think your sleeping habits are directly linked to depression.

But I too am not clinically depressed like my father.

However, I did grow up with him and now have the same tendency.

It was really bad around 18 - 20. Perhaps the hormones at that time.

 

This may not be the case with you, but I discovered around 20/21 that i had somewhat chosen to be depressed.

Mainly because once you are an adult, it's a choice not to be well.

As children our decisions are made for us, so it's a different story then.

 

Anyway, once I realized that, it was simply replacing bad habits with new ones, making better decisions, being tough on myself (there's a certain comfort in depression - it's hard to let go of) and believing it would work.

 

I'd say it took me about a year to get out of it.

There truly is a life where little bothers you and feeling sad is minimal and appropriate. It just takes practice.

[SheWolf]

Oh okay, that helps some I'd really like some more opinions as well.

[jengh]

I agree with honeyspur-- more likely than not, your sleeping habits probably are a direct link to your depression.

 

My dad works for community mental health (CMH) in Michigan but I'm sure TN has a similar program, where they do offer free counseling to those in need. Just start calling around.

 

As for the drastic mood swings, I can definitely relate. I have bipolar and I do this all of the time. One minute, I can be pissed off, throwing things, screaming and 5 minutes later, I'm ridiculously happy and full of energy. I am definitely NOT diagnosing here, just stating my opinion. Do you have any type of health insurance? You could talk to your general practitioner and see what they recommend.

 

Are you in school? If you are, go to their health center and see what they recommend. Often schools offer free counseling to students.

 

I hope this helps a little bit.