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Caramel and coconut girlscout cookies are BOMB!

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No joke, those things are addicting!


So, like any other day, because I have nothing to do but sit and wait to finally get the hell out of here and back to the west coast, I sat around thinking. Me and the ex split Sunday night. It was almost identical to our first split last summer, in which case I was devastated.


I was so angry, bitter, confused, fed up this time...I snapped at the end of the convo before she could even say goodbye. I said some things, but at least I was honest, right?


I love her, and believe I always will hold love for her no matter what the outcome. We both have dealt with a lot in our lives, and always had that "bonnie and clyde" bond. Why hasn't she called me? Probably for the same reasons I haven't called her. I'm stubborn, I'm prideful, and frankly I don't want to hear from her right now.


Thinking about life tonight, a really simple concept clicked in my head. In order to be truly happy, you need to feel pain. Sometimes over and over again. You really don't appreciate happiness until you've felt a great deal of pain. I can look back to what kind of person I was 5 years ago, and feel like I didn't even know myself. I was so mad at the world, mad at my parents, hated school, yet I had a lot of friends, a great gf, and a decent life. I really think I was scared of being happy.


You need to WORK for happiness, and I didn't want to take those steps. It was easier to just let things be how they were, and deal with it.


I think that's where my ex is. She's so used to being let down, that's just what she expects. Her childhood was robbed from her, her innocence taken from a very young age, and no one was there to pick her up, to tell her she was beautiful and deserved a better life. She learned to just deal with it. At the same time, she has no idea how to deal with it. I've never met someone so loving and caring, yet angry and torn all in one.


She learned to put her guard up and shut her feelings off at a very young age. That doesn't make how she treated me ok, just helps me to understand where SHE is coming from. I don't know what it's like to grow up in abuse and violence. All I could ever do was just try and understand. I can't even remember how many times we'd argue and she'd say "You just don't understand J"..and I'd fight it. "I do understand, I want to understand". She was right, I can listen and offer a shoulder to cry on, but I'll never know how she feels when it comes to that.


I heard a saying "Sometimes walls aren't there to keep you out, they're there to see who cares enough to break them down". She must of gotten tired of laying bricks, cuz I busted those walls down numerous times. She'd let me in, open her heart, she'd cry, I'd cry with her...then it would be defense mode. She could be a linebacker for the NFL no doubt.


I'm just rambling now. I just hope she knows there is one invisible soul out here that hopes happiness finds her.

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