I feel really bad about my past

[Blue Skittles]

My boyfriend and I, things got off to a great start, and then we had a really rocky month due to miscommunications. Recently we ended up getting things back on track and we've been talking a lot and making up for lost time. We started dating in December. I really really like this guy and hope things work out and I know he wants things to work out too because he is putting so much effort into making sure we are communicating every day and visiting me.

 

Anyways, I feel really bad because of all the bad choices I made in my past. Things i am just not proud of, smoking, getting into drugs, sleeping with guys, suicidal attempts, etc. He knows about this, and he says it doesn't bother him.

 

But he is SUCH a good person. He is waiting until marriage for sex, and has had a really good life, and the extent of "bad" things he has done is getting really drunk. I really admire this about him, that he works so hard and is close with his familiy and is a good guy. I just feel bad because I wish I would have waited for someone like him to come along rather than just settle for whatever came along and in the process got dragged into all the bad things I did. I really really regret that I once lived my life like that. I've turned myself around and I still have some turning around to do. I've just had a hard time shaking this feeling.

[barbielovesmac]

everyone goes through stages in their life. some good, and some they regret. im the type of person who believes that everything happens for a reason. i believe that everything that has happened shapes who you are RIGHT NOW. you cannot beat yourself up for the past. there is NOTHING you can do to change it. you need to forget the past (cause its gone) live for the present and look forward to the future. we all go through rough patches. and good for you for getting through it. best of luck : )

[savoie]

It sounds like you care for your boyfriend a great deal. The best way to gauge how another feels for you is in their actions toward you. If he is making a daily effort toward you - that tells me he cares for you.

 

Your relationship is very new. I know that you are worried about your past behavior and frustrated about it. It is good that you are reflecting on the choices that led to these regrets that you are experiencing. You sound focused on leading a healthier lifestyle. I hope that you are making that effort for yourself primarily. As you continue to focus on living healthy you will improve your self esteem and learn to forgive yourself for your past. Life is full of judgmental people - but if you accept yourself - warts and all - you won't worry so much about the opinion of others. Unfortunately, alot of that good sense goes out the window when we are "in love". But if you project feelings of shame for your self - people around you will perceive that. You need to work through those things that make you feel bad - and then LET THEM GO!

 

Try to remember that only YOU define who you are. The people you invite into your life and the relationships you experience - do not define you as a person.

 

Have you considered speaking with a counselor? They can be very helpful in providing guidance and support. Suicidal attempts and drugs are obviously not something you should try to cope with on your own. I hope that you are getting help with these very serious difficulties.

[FrancisHouseman]

i think its really positive that your boyfriend KNOWS all the bad decisions you made and is okay with them. doesnt that tell you everything you need to know?

 

a certain amount of guilt is understandable, we all wish that at some point we could travel back in time and change stuff but thats where the saying "with the benefit of hindsight.." comes into play. its a paradox. Without those experiences we wouldnt have this head that we have today, the one that tells us we should go back and do it differently.. if we had of done things differently would be still be who we are?

 

its interesting.

 

I have a lot of stuff in my past i regret and Im too ashamed to tell my boyfriend. I had a few one night stands. I slept with a guy that I knew had a girlfriend and children (I was drunk and unhappy and I regret it!) I behaved terribly! I cheated on my boyfriends in the past..

 

however when I met my boyfriend I loved him so much straight away that we waited months before we slept together for the first time and he has ever since called me a lady and a good girl and he is always saying how amazing he thinks i am and how he knew straight away that i wasnt a s l a g. i sometimes feel scared and guilty, like im committing some kind of fraud.

 

but you know what? who i WAS has nothing to do with WHO I AM NOW.

 

I am everything he says i am with him, because thats who i am now. I sometimes wish I could tell him, but only to get it off my chest, not because i want him to know. My guilt is almost selfish.

 

he doesnt need to know everything, its nothing to do with him now, what i did then, it didnt include him and doesnt reflect the way i will behave in future. i will never cheat on him, i will never sleep around again.. i want t marry him and have his children. I am trying to forgive myself and thats what you need to do.

 

forgive yourself and enjoy the relationship you have now. We cant change what we did, so why let it ruin what we can do now.

x

[the empty drawer]

Blue Skittles, you say that your boyfriend knows about your past but does he know that you are currently bothered and feel bad about it? Since it seems like he has never dealt with any of the things you have personally experienced he may not know how to talk about it with you, thus why he would say it doesn't bother him. It may be helpful if you decide what it is you would want from him concerning things about your life in the past and tell him what it is you want in order to help who you are right now. In my opinion that would both you and he get a better understanding of each other and that could, in turn, help you feel better about yourself. Afterall who you are right now is everyone and everything that has ever touched your life. Even if you do not like some of the things that happened along the way to becoming the person you are now...even though you are still moving forward in turning your life around as you said. Keep at it and good luck.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hi - I know how you feel. I have done some way stupid things. Whenever I date someone who hasn't had these experiences or who has had a sterling family life (mine was not sterling - alcoholic father, etc.), I always feel a little uncomfortable, as though I'm damaged goods or something and they're going to see right through me to my scars and who I really am.

 

The main thing I can tell you is just try to stay in today. You are fine. He is fine. Everything is fine. You can't change your past anyway. Today is all you have. Good luck!