Want to propose, only thing holding me back is her stubborneess with sex...

[Box Diver]

Title says it all.

 

In my eyes, I have the perfect girlfriend/mate....but without the sex.

 

-She's not into sex. It's not relgious, upbringing, etc.

-She wasn't raped, molested, etc.

 

Problem is...she doesn't let me perform oral on her, she doesn't give me oral, doesn't let me enter her with even my finger. It's basically missionary sex or nothing..and that happens once a month (tops).

 

I've explained it to her this way: in terms of sex, the man is like a carpenter. If he is going to do his job (please the woman), he needs all of his tools (oral sex, fingering, different positions, etc.) She doesn't buy it. She just claims she has a low libido.

 

We're 5 years into the relationship....and it's time to make the next step I believe. But what's holding me back is the lack of sex, and her stubbornness to try new things/see a doctor.

 

I'm afraid (and sure) if we get engaged/married, I am basically telling her (without saying it) that her behavior over these 5 years has been acceptable, and I'm okay with it. thereforeeee, I'll get the same amount of sex as I've been getting (even less).

 

When we first started having sex, it would be once/week. It's dwindled to once/month.

 

What do I do here if she won't listen/talk about sex, gets upset when I ask for sex more than once/month, etc.

 

Now it's not as if I'm "bad" at sex. All I get is missionary...and with previous girls, I have gotten them off.

[Cyprian]

Has she had an orgasm?

 

Did you used to perform oral on her at the start of the relationship?

[EvaGina]

She obviously has issues that go further than this...

tell her "I want to marry you, but I need you to do somthing about the sex thing"

 

its not unfair to ask her to see a councellor or somthing about it

sex is a natural urge

[Beec]

I think you have a few choices here.

 

First, it seems as if she will try nothing so all you have ever done with her is missionary, is that correct?

 

Your choices become simple: one, leave, because sex and enjoying her body and her enjoying your attention is so important to you and that you cannot have things as they are, leave (this might be an option to take at some time); two, accept things, you love her, live without; or three, try to get in her head. I have known women who never wanted anythign else done to them, but once you convince them to do something else and they enjoy it, WOW. The problem is as you know convincing them. And mere logic and conversation on your part, is probably not going to work. So what might? Gosh, that's one I simply don't know. It depends on her.

 

If I had an idea that just might work with her, I'd begin with a massage, and try to have a somewhat indirect approach. I know of no woman that I have ever given a decent massage to who has not really enjoyed it, and I know darn well that I could get her naked, and me using my fingers and hands close to the areas that matter, and breathing on them, etc. and teasing her. When I had her really excited, I'd probably seek to have her prone with her legs softly breathing on and certainly looking at her genitals from the rear. If I had her really excited, I might try something to get her off, and if she stopped me, I'd probably up and just stop, and not let her have any sex in her excited state. But she would have been well-massaged before I got to that point.

[Dilly]

Compatibility extends into many realms, sexual being a very important one. This topic is far too complicated to address in terms of your decision to propose. I would NEVER in a million years advise a couple to go their separate ways based on sexual compatibility, because many other elements of their relationship may be so fabulous they make up for the physical bliss. Having said that, as a couple, you are both responsible for making sure the others' needs are met. Hers might be to preserve a part of her innocense (speculating here) by not engaging in things that are in her mind too promiscuous. Yours might be physical.

 

You said you've tried to get her to go to therapy with you? I think some time of mediation on this topic is fair. I mean really. If she's not budging and it's this important that it's becoming an obstacle in your consideration of taking the next big step in the relationship, I think that you need to either GENTLY communicate that to her and let her know how serious you take this, and/or suggest counselling with an unbiassed and well-trusted friend or professional counsellor.

[anggrace]

Why won't she see a doctor or try to figure this out? I think its important for her to do if she wants to have a healthy relationship w/ you. Your not being unreasonble for wanting to have sex more often. I just don't get why she wouldn't care to look into this more? There should be a little effort on her part. Is there none?

[Suesser Tod]

-She's not into sex. It's not relgious, upbringing, etc.

-She wasn't raped, molested, etc.

 

Well, there is obviously something else you are missing. I don't know what it may be, but it is not something good.

 

 

Right now, I think that marriage would be a mistake, as it is clear that you are not satisfied with the relationship.

 

 

It is quite simple, she either choses to cooperate and go to counseling and a doctor, or 5 years go to the drain. Also, I think that by now, you should consider quite seriously if you should continue wasting both of your lifes in a relationship that has had 5 years to make it work, but it isn't, or looking into something new.

[shes2smart]

While there is more to a relationship/marriage than sex, sex is a very important component of a romantic relationship/marriage. With no sex you're friends, roommates, buddies. Sex is what differentiates that relationship from all others.

 

You have posted about this problem before, and it sounds like things are still the same.

 

I think if you go ahead with the proposal and marriage, you're going to become more frustrated over time...and that means you're gonna be cultivating fertile ground for the next gal who comes along and has some interest in you in that way. Not saying you'd cheat...but you are most certainly setting yourself up to be sorely tempted at some point. At the very least, that's likely to cause additional resentment toward your SO.

 

I agree with what you've said here:

 

I'm afraid (and sure) if we get engaged/married, I am basically telling her (without saying it) that her behavior over these 5 years has been acceptable, and I'm okay with it. thereforeeee, I'll get the same amount of sex as I've been getting (even less).

 

From what you have said, it does sound like you have tried to work on this with her and she's unwilling/not interested/doesn't see a problem. That would be a red flag to me.

 

If there were some other issue you didn't see eye-to-eye on...say, finances. If you wanted to save money and she spent like it was going out of style....would you still want to go ahead and propose/get married, knowing that she's not likely to change her ways and might drive you to the poor house?

 

You can love someone, think they're a wonderful person and still be incompatible with them in some very important ways that make a relationship difficult if not impossible. If you're unhappy/frustrated after 5 years of this, how are you going to feel after another 5 or 10 of more of the same?

 

We cannot expect/demand/insist our partners change. If we cannot accept them as they are where they are, then perhaps we are not doing either one of us a favor to stay with them.

[Dilly]

You are so funny, Beec. I think you understand women very well!!!

 

I think also that some women are not very comfortable with their bodies and need lots and lots of reassurance and flattery, sincere flattery.

[hardcharger]

it is likely that your sex life with her will dwindle to every couple months after you are married

 

it is extremely unlikely that your sex life with her will get better

 

it is extremely likely that a poor sex life will put great stress on your marriage and make it difficult, there will be repercussions besides "no sex" for you. your intimacy will suffer and there will be a ripple effect, it will be more important over time. (unless you make it to your 50's)

[Beec]

You are so funny, Beec. I think you understand women very well!!!

 

I think also that some women are not very comfortable with their bodies and need lots and lots of reassurance and flattery, sincere flattery.

 

Thanks, I think. We should all try to understnad our partners pretty well. Shouldn't we? It makes keeping them happy much easier.

 

If I spent a half and hour or more rubbing and paying attention to her body, I think that very act, and what would probably be my obviously excited state would be showing her more than a little flattery.

 

I think Dilly is telling us that a guy who did that for her would probably make her pretty happy.

[agent1607307371]

Her behaviour is acceptable. It's her sex drive and her body and if she just doesn't want sex (doesn't want help if there is a problem), there isn't a lot you can do about it.

 

Some people just aren't that into it. It's unfortunate as it can be a black spot on otherwise wonderful relationships, I suggest you think about how important a part of a relationship sex is to you.

[Dilly]

Thanks, I think. We should all try to understnad our partners pretty well. Shouldn't we? It makes keeping them happy much easier.

 

If I spent a half and hour or more rubbing and paying attention to her body, I think that very act, and what would probably be my obviously excited state would be showing her more than a little flattery.

 

I think Dilly is telling us that a guy who did that for her would probably make her pretty happy.

 

No I meant that as a complete compliment. I'm just a little amused by the details.

 

But I think some women feel men view sex as a mechanical act, especially when sexual encounters are delayed into the 20's.

 

For these women, sex and variations need to be introduced with utmost care and reassurance that from any angle they are beautiful.

[Dilly]

Like I said earlier, it's such a complicated thing... I want to tell you to tell her to exercise... but good lord, the advice could come from all angles.

[Beec]

I'm just a little amused by the details.

 

Well, somebody has to or should give out some good details. You make good comments too. The massage has never failed me as an avenue into good sex. It is all about focusing on someone making another feel good and paying attention to their body. It's not just sex, it's sensual. And the details, well, I think Box Diver would need to take it there if he wants to do some box diving.

[Listen2Morrissey]

This has always been one of my biggest fears about marriage... that the person with the lowest sex drive is in the driver seat way more so than in a relationship which could be broken at any point. And honestly, I have never been with a woman who could match my desire for sex.

 

Seems like there has to be a way to balance it out... I figure if a marriage is truly equal, your partner should only be able to turn you down half of the time. Probably the best bet is just to marry someone with a similar sex drive and hope that it stays that way.

[Dilly]

Beec, I couldn't agree with you more, as usual.

[Momene]

This has always been one of my biggest fears about marriage... that the person with the lowest sex drive is in the driver seat way more so than in a relationship which could be broken at any point. And honestly, I have never been with a woman who could match my desire for sex.

 

Seems like there has to be a way to balance it out... I figure if a marriage is truly equal, your partner should only be able to turn you down half of the time. Probably the best bet is just to marry someone with a similar sex drive and hope that it stays that way.

 

I'm afraid that the sex drives of partners changes a lot during marriage. I would say that ANY major incompatibility before marriage will only get worse after and worse still after having kids. "Dumping" her may seem cruel and heartless but it's more honest and kinder than looking for sex elsewhere. If you approach her in the wrong way, it can seem more like an ultimatum.

[Box Diver]

Thanks all for the responses. I had no idea there would be so many.

 

I actually said to her today regarding sex and messing around...that two people who do not do those things are simply friends. She took offense to it...and almost started to cry. She then asked if I thought we were just friends...and I said of course not, but when we never even makeout anymore or fool around (not just sex) that it feels like friendship. She did not like it at all. I felt bad afterward...but the more I think about it I dont. Should I mention this again to get it through her head?

 

Ive done everything I can. I offer to go down on her, offer massages, offer to pay for a sex therapist, whatever doctor care she needs...and she responds no to all of the above. She will then say "you need to love me for who I am, not who you want me to be." I said I do, but sex is a big part of love.

 

So here I am, 23 years old turning 24 very soon. Five years of my life have been spent with her. If she decides to not be open about sex or fool around, I am honestly debating whether or not to end it.

 

Sigh...

 

Anymore advice?

[Suesser Tod]

More advise?

 

Well, right now it is up to you to decide what you're going to do. I don't think you should waste more time in that relationship, there are already 5 years of your life that you won't get back, do you want to waste even more time?

 

Unfortunately life is too short. When you realize and look back, you've wasted several years of your life, opportunities and time that won't come back.

 

And to make it worse, its not like a videogame, where you can restart, here, you have only one shot, so make it worth.

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, I would end it anyway. Do you really wanting to be having sex with someone you had to coerce into it?

[rocio]

I actually said to her today regarding sex and messing around...that two people who do not do those things are simply friends. She took offense to it...and almost started to cry. She then asked if I thought we were just friends...and I said of course not, but when we never even makeout anymore or fool around (not just sex) that it feels like friendship. She did not like it at all. I felt bad afterward...but the more I think about it I dont. Should I mention this again to get it through her head?

 

That was a mean thing to say. It is absolutely not true that you need to have sex in order to have a romantic relationship.

 

You are patronizing her by trying to "get things through her head". I don't think the problem is that she's unintellegent or doesn't understand what's happening. Some people need sex twice a day. others only need it a few times per year. It doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with her.

 

The two of you likely are not compatible for a life-long relationship though.

[Momene]

A great relationship without great sex is extremely rare; a mediocre relaionship without great sex is an looming disaster.

 

Think that means most of us are doomed. Ouch!

[Iceman26]

 

"you need to love me for who I am, not who you want me to be."

 

And if she loved you she would try to understand your needs as well. What are you supposed to do? Suffer the rest of your life with blue balls?

 

If my wife told me there was a problem with my sex drive, you better damn well believe I would listen to her concerns and take action. Why? Because I love her enough to make ensure her happiness.

[Momene]

I think it sounds like basic incompatibility.