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Does aloofness really work that well??


Aaron20b
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A little while back, I was interested in this girl, unfornately though I pushed to hard and she cancel the little date because she had an appointment.

 

She saw me as pushy at one point and lost interest in me. So at this point I was like whatever. She hardly called me I was the one that had to call her. She kept telling me she only liked me as a friend.

 

Than I checked out this site called Love Tactics and one of those articles fit my description perfectly.

 

One time, I called her up, she was with her friends somewhere and seemed kinda busy, she said she had to go but this time I Just said " Ok thats fine, see ya" Usually I was like " Man, I don't want you to go, I wanna talk to you more" lol yea a bit clingy, but this time it was different.

 

So yea, unexpectedly, she called me, I talked to her for a little bit than said I had to go and said bye. She emailed me later saying she felt bad for not meeting me and offered me to go to her house while her parents went away for a week. I said that I'd have to check my schedule. I kept my emails pretty short though to show that Im not really that interested.

 

Ok, so now, she keeps calling, probably 3 times a day now, always wanting to talk im always playing aloof, keeping the phone calls short or me ending them.

 

And just today, she called me at 12am even though I told her to call me tomorrow.

 

So yea, why did this aloofness work so well?? even though she wasn't even that interested? Why is she calling me like crazy now?? lol

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Hey there,

 

I would not play aloof for too long. IMO, you played aloof enough. Anymore of it would be playing around and a bit mean.

 

Now is the time to ask her out and if she backs her way out it after you were aloof, she is not interested and I would let this go. You cannot force someone to be interested. Either she is or is not. And if things were meant to be, too many games, if any, would not be necessary.

 

Good luck.

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I agree with Kellbell, ditch the games and just be upfront with each other. The aloofness thing is really all about control. While she was being aloof and you were chasing she had the control. Now it seems like you have switched roles. But it can all switch back, and can also backfire if she reads too much into your aloofness and just moves on. Do you guys really want to be playing puppet-master with each other or do you want to be with her?

 

Ok, so you don't have to be obsessive either and plague her with calls, but maybe find a middle ground. Forget the games, just be real and be genuine. Try to find out where her feelings lie and if all is good then move forward. If not then move on.

 

Wish you the best of luck...

 

p.s. I should add that some of the changes in your behaviour with her are good, such as fighting your impulse to plead with her to stay on the phone. Neediness is rarely attractive. But don't deliberately end calls on the pretext of needing to do something, that's called 'cutting your nose off to spite your face'.

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I don't think you should play games but it wouldn't hurt to work on being the kind of person where you don't put your heart on your sleeve and be emotionally transparent until and unless someone proves she is worthy of that. Everyone wants to feel a little special to be noticed, and if people get the impression that you are this effusive right off the bat with everyone they might wonder if you are being genuine or, even if genuine, if you're an approval seeker and needy/insecure.

 

It's about respect. My boyfriend and I are a solid, stable couple, but each of us knows to stand up for ourselves if the other is not acting properly - and this can include reacting by creating distance/being aloof. Not in a silly game way - but rather in a tone, an attitude that says "right now you are not worthy of my caring and attention."

 

At first, being "aloof" can feel like a game and strange. But if you develop the mindset that you are worthy of respect, you don't need everyone to like you, and that you don't need to gush all over people who seem "eh" about you, you will find that you draw a lot more friends and dates/girlfriends to you.

 

When I stopped being the "yes woman" and stopped seeking approval so much, people came to me and - this was a surprise - they trusted me more and opened up to me more - when you're not all "out there" with just anyone and you reserve your sharing of emotions with those you are truly close to, people assume (correctly) that you are trustworthy because you yourself are somewhat discreet and selective in who you share with.

 

So, yes, if she is not responding, it's fine to take a more neutral tone with her and to be a little bit briefer/shorter in your comments and attention to her. She shouldn't be taking you or your precious time, for granted.

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OK, first, he became more aloof because he lost a bit of interest and because he read that it worked. If something works, then it works. For those who consider it a game, it only is a game, imo, if you are seeking to play that person. If however you are doing what that other person likes and treating them how they want to be treated, why is that a game?

 

Isn't treating someone the way they want to be treated, more like love and not a game? And if he treats her in a certain manner and she keeps coming back for more of it, aren't her actions telling him that she wants to be treated this way?

 

First, the aloof does need to stop, but how it stops and getting it to work for you is be you seeing her and busting a move on her, probably kissing her. And as you begin to date her or any woman, you should be aloof and independent and express you interest by asking them out and by making moves on them to some extent. If she asks you how you feel, then at first, you should be rather vague and noncommittal, "I'm interested", "I'd like to see more of you", "I enjoy being with you," etc. When you get into questions like do you see us together, be vaguer, "That'd be nice," "We'll see," "If it happens great."

 

After you have been with someone for a while, when you are both investing in the relationship, when you are both putting in efforts to make the other person feel special, etc., then you begin to really have something. But you need to do those things because you want her to feel that way, not because you want her to do anything for you. If you do this, she will feel much for you.

 

Your aloofness has told her that you do not need her, that you are fairly confident and independent on your own without a great need for someone else's emotion and attention. That means if you date her, that you will not be a guy who puts a lot of emotional demands on her. If you give something to somoene and expect nothing in return, it's really a gift. The closer you get to that, the better you are with her or any woman.

 

Before when you were trying to talk to her and keep her one the phone, it was you seeking to get her attention, asking for it, pleading for it, and then when you stopped, you became worth dating. When she wants to give you something, accept it, enjoy it, but when you begin to demand it or rely on it, you begin to need her and become dependent, and that drives people away. For a while.

 

After she has invested in the relationship, you can let some emotion peak out at times. When you see she is really into you and has been investing, if that day coems, and you mean it, you can tell her you love her. At the same time, keep yourself independent, and do not begin to seek too much from her.

But the aloof never really should end entirely

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OK, first, he became more aloof because he lost a bit of interest and because he read that it worked. If something works, then it works. For those who consider it a game, it only is a game, imo, if you are seeking to play that person. If however you are doing what that other person likes and treating them how they want to be treated, why is that a game?

 

Isn't treating someone the way they want to be treated, more like love and not a game? And if he treats her in a certain manner and she keeps coming back for more of it, aren't her actions telling him that she wants to be treated this way?

 

You make an interesting point, and I can't say I'd thought of it in that way. Perhaps my referring to it as 'playing games' is a bit misleading in terms of what I meant to get accross. My point is more that the original poster is acting in a way that is out of character for him and thereforeeee is not being himself or genuine in his actions. But I would also accept that being his usual self was not working hence the change of approach.

 

Anyway, I like your way of thinking and it's given me a different viewpoint to consider. I never claim to have all the answers, just try to speak from the benefit of my own mistakes and experiences. And I've made a few mistakes!

 

All the best...

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I've had it happen a lot that when I became aloof (i.e stopped caring) concerning a guy...he invariably became ragingly interested. But at that point it was too late. I don't like games. I am a sensitive person who desires true intimacy. I don't want someone to be overly interested in me before they've gotten to know me either and visa versa but as far as purposely playing out a game of aloofness...I'd rather have a person who is into who I am as a human being rather then someone simply reacting to some strategic game of aloofness that I'm playing.

Aloofness works a lot of the time...but if you "act" aloof...you may have to keep it up. Also, if you keep it up the girl could lose interest because she thinks you're not going to bend.

 

Either way, I think that its better to be yourself and let women come to you for who you are without playing out stategic games.

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Sorry, forgot to add...

 

If you choose to be more aloof with this girl then you must have the courage of your convictions. If you are stand-offish and she backs away then don't fold and revert to your original behaviour. That's the only problem with trying to be something you're not. As an author once put it you are then just 'standing on a sugar pedestal waiting for the rain to come', i.e. you are heading for a fall. Most people who try to project what they are not get found out at some time or another. Like in cards, when you bluff you risk getting called.

 

Again, just more of my ramblings so don't take offence at anything I say. It's just supposed to give you some things to consider.

 

Take care....

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If you choose to be more aloof with this girl then you must have the courage of your convictions. If you are stand-offish and she backs away then don't fold and revert to your original behaviour.

 

Good point.

 

What someone being clingy and needy is that person not being sufficiently confident in themselves. They don't think or feel that them giving someone a bit of attention is enough for that person to give them attention. Forcing themself to be aloof is really forcing themself to seem confident. As it works, then maybe they become more confident and it's not just all show. However, if you ever stop and turn into another person, and insecure person, then you may have problems.

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I've been where she is and I know that when a guy likes me and keeps hassling me, it is a turn off. But then when he backs off I think awww he's a nice guy and I should give it a go, so I make a concerted effort to be available and call him first to show my interest.

 

But if he backs off too much and becomes too distant I feel like he now playing games and that I'm wasting my time so I back off completely and it's over.

 

Because I made that 'committment' to give it a go, he needs to step up to the plate, like I did and be as attentive as he was in the first place. Him becoming 'aloof' just makes my initital gut feeling that it's not going to work out comes back.

 

Not sure if that makes much sense but hope it helps.

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So....it's like fishing.

 

 

(reel, loosen, reel, loosen, until the fish gets tired and you catch it.)

 

Yes, in other words One step forward, two steps back and Never letting the rope slacken as elaborated by David DeAngelo.

I'm sure you have learnt an important lesson from your aloofness. Don't change now. Keep doing whats working and integrate the aloofness into your life. In time you will realise thatthe aloofness is actually more of inner confidence and blief that you do not need anyone or their approval to be happy. That will help you to have more fulfilling relationships because you are now able to give others space.

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