what do you think about this..

[shay1234]

Im new here and i needed advice.

 

well, i have been bestfriends with this boy for a good 5 years and we've been close alwaysss. We used to like each other alot, everyone knew and everyone could see it. We finally both told each other we had feelings for one another, but then we never got into a relationship. A little while after i found out he was confused about his sexuality. So ever since i've first found out which was about 2 years ago, i've always felt like we dont act just like bestfriends, we connect on a different level. however, he does not feel the same. he's told me he doesnt think of me as more than his friend and im not sure if thats because he actually doesnt or he doesnt want to lose our friendship if we ever did get into anything romantic. another possibilty is, maybe he's gay because he does mention boys and want to pursue them to see what is what even though he's never been with a boy or a girl romanticaly.

What scares me the most is despite how he does 'not like me in that way' and that he likes boys and girls, i think i am in love with him.

and i think this because i hate tlaking to him about any other person that he culd ever be interested in or anything to do with him and another person and i think of him as more than my bestfriend and its killing me inside. literally.

 

I guess the easy answer is, move on get over it but, part of me really doesnt want to. what do u suggest??

If you help me out i'd appreciate it more than anything.

[friscodj]

I guess the easy answer is, move on get over it but, part of me really doesnt want to.

 

Well, this is the answer I think but it is not easy...

 

The most glaring point in your post is the fact you mention this is "killing you inside literally". That is no good. Along with this, I think this situation is taking up your emotional resources and precluding you from pursuing other relationship-type endeavors in your life. Sure, you could date other people, but you heart is in this situation with this guy right now...

 

So you say "part of you really doesn't want to". That's your heart talking and it happens to all of us. I really think you need to face the hard decision albeit the best given this set of circumstances and make some distance between you two until you get to a place emotionally where you aren't so invested and wrapped up in this.

 

Sure it's going to be hard but what's the alternative? Continue to "kill" yourself like this? Continue to make yourself unavailable to other and potentially more fruitful relationship opportunities?

 

There is no easy answer here and any answer will have pros and cons, i.e., you will lose something here no matter what. But what do you really have now? Is this a true friendship? Perhaps with some true time and distance this will turn into a true friendship in the future without the unbalanced feelings that are precluding you from being a friend to yourself in this situation. And is losing yourself by staying in this situation worth the situation as it stands now?

[shay1234]

you make alot of sense. and you're right i am not being fair to myself by staying in this situation and pushing away other potential relationships but it's just much harder to grasp onto the fact that i need to set him aside because hes my bestfriend and we are always together, everyday, im even taking a trip with hima nd his family this coming friday to London. we spend so much time together so its hard to set aside feelings and tell myself to let it go cuz it's not going to happen.

 

Its not an easy thing. and ive never questioned whether our friendhsip is true or not. because both him and i have established and gone thru rough spots and we come out stronger.

 

hes happy with me an him being bestfriends

im happy about that too but some days i wish we were more.

and i cant seem to accept, its never going to happen.

[friscodj]

Well, in a situation like this, the "distance" comes from being "there" but not fully. You've got to draw the emotional line in your mind of how deep your expression of feelings will go and not cross it. You're friends and that's it. When those thoughts of being more creep in to your head, block them out, replace them with thoughts of the reality of this situation. Sooner or later, with practice and familiarty in doing this, your more romantic feelings will take the hint and start disappearing.

 

My definition of "true" friendship meant the friendship was to him and to yourself in the process. You can take care of yourself by blocking out your feelings and refraining from expression of such when you are with him. Then you can be a friend to yourself as well by sparing yourself some of the anguish and pain.

[shay1234]

Okay i understand that part of it but since im the bestfriend its going to be hard to give him like relationship advice with like a guy he likes or even a girl he likes, when all along ive always secretly hoped he would see me in a new light.

i know i have to be supportive and all of that but im not very good at setting my own feelings aside to care for his and to leave myself out of it so he can achieve happiness as well.

i want to be there for him especially sicne hes still in the middle of figuring out his sexuality but its very hard to when im dealing with my own strong feelings for him as well.

[friscodj]

Okay i understand that part of it but since im the bestfriend its going to be hard to give him like relationship advice with like a guy he likes or even a girl he likes, when all along ive always secretly hoped he would see me in a new light.

i know i have to be supportive and all of that but im not very good at setting my own feelings aside to care for his and to leave myself out of it so he can achieve happiness as well.

i want to be there for him especially sicne hes still in the middle of figuring out his sexuality but its very hard to when im dealing with my own strong feelings for him as well.

 

You are exactly 100% correct. This is not going to be easy. All these scenarios you wrote about here are going to hurt. There's no avoiding that fact in this situation.

 

These are the exact situations that happen to make people advocate what is called around here as "NC", at least until you get to more solid emotional ground. It really is the best option here...

 

But if that won't work for you here, in your specific situation, you can only figure out how to cope with the pain and limit the damage to your heart as you stay in the situation. When you break it down to the lowest level, you will have to toughen up and get through this.

 

You want to be there for him and that is very admirable. Hurting yourself in the process is not. Somethings are better left alone for awhile and came back to later on when they don't hurt so much. There is no shame in distancing yourself from situations that hurt you. It may seem like (on the surface level) doing this is mean, cold, or diminishes the value of what you had together. On the deeper level, it is the best thing to do and will make your friendship better later on. I think you will figure this out in time in this situation as well.

 

At any rate, you're certainly going to learn a lot from this situation about life, love, and yourself. I'm very sorry you are in this situation and I wish you the best.