sayer7 Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 I've had a long distance relationship with a man 400 miles away for alittle over a year (we've been close friends for over 7 years) and last October he basically flaked out and told me he didn't do distance well, and then two weeks later changed his mind and told me he wanted to work on the relationship until I moved up there, however long it took for me to get there because he said he could see himself "spending the rest of his life with me." Back in October after he called things off, I found his active personal ad which was something I expected to find- I figured he'd start looking again. But then 2 weeks after he'd changed his mind, I confronted him about the ad and he agreed to take down all his personal ads (he had several posted) because I'd told him it made me feel insecure especially with the distance. Two days ago I looked at one of the personal ads again and noticed that he'd visited and updated it again January 28th, 2007. Feb. 1st he'd sent me Valentine's gifts and flowers and a wonderful Valentine's Card telling me how much I meant to him. The ad title reads: 36 year old Man Looking For Women for Erotic Chat or Email, Intimate Relations, Discreet Relationships, Group sex (3 or more!) or Other "Alternative" Activities I feel betrayed and I don't know how to confront him about this. When we talk on the phone we're the closest of friends-- but then I read his personal ad and I feel like I can't believe anything he says, that I don't really know him at all, and I feel lied to every time he tells me "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Am I totally over-reacting?? I haven't talked to him at all for 3 days now... he called today but I didn't pick up. I don't want to hurt him and make him feel like scum the day before Valentine's Day. How would any of you deal and confront him about this? Should I keep avoiding him until after Valentine's Day and then confront him about it? Any advice would be great. Thanks. Link to comment
fnlyfrei Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 I would talk to him NOW...Valentine's Day isn't THAT important. You are. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Question - when you first started dating him is that the kind of ad he posted? What about when you ended things briefly in October? If so, I would say you assumed the risk by getting involved with a man who at least from what he says he wants in his ad is not interested in traditional monogamy or commitment. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Two days ago I looked at one of the personal ads again and noticed that he'd visited and updated it again January 28th, 2007. The ad title reads: 36 year old Man Looking For Women for Erotic Chat or Email, Intimate Relations, Discreet Relationships, Group sex (3 or more!) or Other "Alternative" Activities You are not over-reacting at all. If he is in a committed relationship with you and said that he took down his personal ads, he definitely lied to you. It sounds as if he is looking to cheat if he has not already. BellaDonna Link to comment
Scout Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 I would be surprised if this guy hasn't cheated already. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship, anyway? Surely you could find someone close by who is also trustworthy? Link to comment
darkpumpkin Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 When I first met my boyfriend over a dating site he introduced me to his friends/couple. That day we had discussed to take down our ads on the dating site. The next day I went in to shut it down and saw a msg. I checked out the profile and found it to be the male of the friends/couple looking for an intimate incounter. He had said in his profile that he was the type to meet up and that he has done so in the past so he was discreet. I told my boyfriend about this and he know's that the girl of the friends/couple knows nothing about it. You know and that is the power to make the right decision for you. You should confront him immediately. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 I would not confront him. I would end it and run don't walk to get tested for STDs now and in 6 months from now. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Bayta..i dont think that is the issue right now... i think the issue is that they "are" dating... and if he isn't going to be 100% monogamous in the relationship he is in NOW then she needs to confront him. He's being dishonest. I would confront him..and don't be afraid... he put an ad up ..you have every right to ask the man you are dating why he has an ad up. Link to comment
sayer7 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 Gosh no that wasn't the kind of ad I replied to... the ad I replied to 7 years ago sounded genuine and caring and sweet... which is also the text he used for this particular ad as well... but the title is completely different. This is a side of him I've NEVER EVER seen before and would never approve of. I'm sure he knows if he told me about this side of himself he'd be completely embarrassed and ashamed... everyone knows him as a noble, generous, loyal man- everyone in his home town knows him-- he's special forces military, and a highly decorated war veteran-- everyone loves and admires him and has such high regard for him. As did I. I guess I'm a little shellshocked... after 7 years of knowing him I discover I realize I really know so little about him. Link to comment
Beec Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 My question would be "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I could see a guy having an older ad and going onto it for a few reasons, but this guy updated the ad, and he did so for a reason. Moreover, LOOK AT WHAT HE IS SEEKING! Are you into group sex and alternative activities? Dump him, don't explain why, just end it. Link to comment
sayer7 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 He's always said he doesn't feel it's fair to date more than one person at a time... he's always said he's a monogamous man and would never cheat on anyone... and as far as I know from talking to his ex-gf's he's never cheated and they all broke up on good terms. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Gosh no that wasn't the kind of ad I replied to... the ad I replied to 7 years ago sounded genuine and caring and sweet... which is also the text he used for this particular ad as well... but the title is completely different. This is a side of him I've NEVER EVER seen before and would never approve of. I'm sure he knows if he told me about this side of himself he'd be completely embarrassed and ashamed... everyone knows him as a noble, generous, loyal man- everyone in his home town knows him-- he's special forces military, and a highly decorated war veteran-- everyone loves and admires him and has such high regard for him. As did I. I guess I'm a little shellshocked... after 7 years of knowing him I discover I realize I really know so little about him. Well, if you are 100% sure it is him, I would give you the same advice - tell him it is over because you've discovered you do not have compatible values and then please get tested (or get tested first, that's more important). Link to comment
Scout Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Well, he's saying one thing that is completely opposite from what he's actually doing. The guy has a personal ad up for "erotic chat and group sex" among other activities. You can take his word, or you can take his actions. It's really a pretty straightforward choice. What concerns me is you're worried about "hurting" him by confronting him on this. I have a feeling you're going to close your eyes to this, and that's really too bad for your sake. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Well the proof is in his actions and not his words. If it were me, I'd send him an e-mail with a link to what you found and tell him to never contact you again. He can't be trusted. He will likely act cowardly and try to lie about it or make up excuses. Don't fall for it. Block him from your e-amil and messenger and if he calls, hang up. BellaDonna Link to comment
quietgrl Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Ouch!! What a way to ruin your Valentine day. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 You will forever have that ad in your mind anytime you don't hear from him... you will become clingy, and untrusting.... then your self esteem will falter and you will believe that he is all you can get so you stay in a situatiuon with a man you don't trust... life is too short. trust me..get out now. Link to comment
sayer7 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 Thanks for all the helpful advice guys. I've decided that I don't even want to talk to him so I think I'm going to take BellaDonna'a advice for now and then talk to him later if I must. I just know I'm hurting and if I talk to him on the phone right now he'll probably just fill my head up with charming empty words again. I think it's best I just avoid contact for a while until I recover a bit. But thanks so much everyone. I appreciate all your advice. Link to comment
addictedblue Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 well here's what i think. seems to me that he does love you and does want to spend the rest of his life with you, but due to the distance he isn't getting anything physical. i mean him wanting "Women for Erotic Chat or Email, Intimate Relations, Discreet Relationships, Group sex (3 or more!) or Other "Alternative" Activities" isn't the same as looking to replace you, he just wants a quickie to satisfy his sexual needs and desires since you aren't near him. if he did or plans on meeting up with a random woman to have sex with its not because he doesn't love you its because he needs his sexual fix in your absense. people might shoot this down but thats what i think. if he did this while you two lived very close THEN i'd freak out. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 He could love her absolutely but that's not the issue. The issue is whether he is the type of person who - as he claims to be - wants traditional monogamy and commitment to her. From this personal ad, it is clear he does not. Very scary to think that just because a relationship is long distance, that justifies looking for casual s_x partners over the internet. "I love you but I got lonely and horny?" I don't know of anyone who would feel comfortable with that arrangement much less feel safe from a physical health perspective. Link to comment
Scout Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Thanks for all the helpful advice guys. I've decided that I don't even want to talk to him so I think I'm going to take BellaDonna'a advice for now and then talk to him later if I must. I just know I'm hurting and if I talk to him on the phone right now he'll probably just fill my head up with charming empty words again. I think it's best I just avoid contact for a while until I recover a bit. But thanks so much everyone. I appreciate all your advice. I think Bella's advice is excellent, too. You should definitely send him the link and then cut off contact. I'm really sorry this is happening to you, but know that this is a place where you will always get the support and encouragement you need to make the right choices for your emotional well-being. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 i agree with Scout. Hugs =) Link to comment
EvaGina Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 I say send him an email and then block his email from your inbox so you cant read his replies. If hes is as two faced as he seems, then he will try to explain everything away and manipulat/guilt trip you into letting it go. You seem like quite a soft, gentle soul, which is a GOOD thing, but then its easy to take advantage of caring people. Link to comment
sayer7 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 Ughh... before I unlogged from here and messenger he IM'd me and we had it out. And yes, basically he tried to tell me it wasn't him who logged in on January 28th... broke up with me because "he didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who had to check up on him" and "didn't trust him as completely as he trusted" me. Ugh.. it got ugly... and now I'm so miserable. I hate valentine's Day. I hate it. Link to comment
Parsley Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Sounds to me like he is hitting back at you simply because he knows he's in the wrong. You are not the bad guy here. I'd say don't feel miserable...but I know that that's just impossible right now. But just try and concentrate on the fact that he is a two-faced eejit who clearly does not deserve you. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 Sounds to me like he is hitting back at you simply because he knows he's in the wrong. You are not the bad guy here. I'd say don't feel miserable...but I know that that's just impossible right now. But just try and concentrate on the fact that he is a two-faced eejit who clearly does not deserve you. EXACTLY Button, there is no need to worry about a git like that. I know it hurts, but when you stop caring you will realise how badly he took advantage of you Link to comment
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