Same question....worse feeling.

[darkpumpkin]

Same question....what's worse same feeling. Ok to all who know I've beaten this thing down to the point of nothing I'm just not satisfied. I have had this gut feeling that something is not right with my bf. We've gone out for 4 months and 3 of those I have just had this weird gut feeling. It's not a good feeling. I have thought about things logically and all things point to he loves me and wants to be with me and work through our problems. But it still doesn't change my gut feeling that something is up. I have insecurites and a lot of issues I have to work on myself but it's like this cloud is there and I'm not sure why. I'm not quite sure what to do......I've posted on her many things about him due to the fact I thought maybe those were the reasons. Maybe they are....maybe they aren't. What do you guys think?

[Kalika]

Reread all the threads you've posted about your boyfriend. I think you'll find your answers there.

[darkpumpkin]

That's just it. I will overreact due to my heart and then calm down to my head....wait was that the point?

[flower99]

you've been dating 4 months & having a weird gut feeling for 3 of those 4.

I'd trust your gut & get out.

Even if it is due to your insecurities than I'd think it isn't the time to be in a relationship & getting out will give you the time to work on through those insecurities. OR it's your gut & not your insecurities, saying you shouldn't be in this relationship...get out now.

The feeling is getting worse not better...and so far it's lasted 75% of the relationship.

 

Personally i wouldn't ignore or dismiss your gut feeling much longer...it's usually right (at least with my experience, anytime I have ignored it, I've kicked myself in the * * * * * later because I didn't listen to it) but that's just me (:

[darkpumpkin]

I should just end something with him? we are going to councelling and everything to try and work out our problems. I know I should trust my gut but to the extent of just ending it?

[Batya33]

This is a generalized view I admit it but if you're in counseling with someone you've only been dating four months that should tell you something right there . . .

[flower99]

I agree with batya

I should just end something with him? we are going to councelling and everything to try and work out our problems. I know I should trust my gut but to the extent of just ending it?

 

Me, I would. But if you're not ready to, than councelling is definetly the route to go.

Personally, If it's between trusting my gut & getting out of the relationship or ignoring my gut & getting councelling for my 4 month relationship...I'd sooner get out.

I would just figure if we need a cousellor at 4 months, that's not right, we'd need it forever. To me if it's not working at 4 months, it's not going to work.

I do wish you happiness whatever you choice is.

[darkpumpkin]

We are going to a counceller because we have it a snitch in communication. We can't seem to do it properly. But you have a valid point about the gut. Just not sure if this feeling is about him, me, or us. Very trickey thing following the gut.

[RayKay]

Whether because of a glitch in communication or not, I agree that it should not be THIS hard four months in, needing counselling already. Given the number of posts you have had about worries four months in, I am even more concerned.

 

Life isn't easy, and love isn't easy. Often relationships can be hard and require couples to work through some difficult issues, but if this is going on at four months in I honestly wonder if you are "forcing" a relationship here between two people whom are not that compatible.

 

Be careful of "bonding" together over misery rather than choosing to be together because of how positive you feel together.

[darkpumpkin]

Yes....maybe that is just it. Forcing something. Being so scared that we are going to lose something that we have been forcing it to be. I believe what everyone has said about it only being 4 months and it shouldn't be this hard. But down to the bare bones we do love each other. There is a spark there. We can make each other so happy. We caught up in little fights and made them our relationship. Any advice on how to stop that and just see if this thing ends or develops?

[chigal28]

I am a huge believer in "gut feelings," and my thought for you is this: If you have had a gut feeling that something is wrong for three of four months, am I right in thinking that for much of the time during those three months, you haven't been happy, or at the very least have felt worried and uncertain?

 

I don't want to be harsh--I'm trying to be helpful because I have definitely been there--I don't think you can talk yourself out of a gut feeling. I have a history of being somewhat irrational and insecure in relationships, too, but any of my relationships where I've had a bad gut feeling--well, I don't think I've been wrong.

[darkpumpkin]

see my mom (lol I know) told me that I'm making kevin my bf pay for the sins of my last boyfriend. It was a super messy break-up. I had never been so betrayed and I never saw the breakup coming. Kevin as litterly done nothing more then try to make me happy and be happy with me. He's a little off his rocker to but not that bad. If you have read my past threads the more I read what advice I get the more I think my mom is right. I'm making this hard for me because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't want to every be shocked that it's over again I guess.

[cantexplain]

Be careful of "bonding" together over misery rather than choosing to be together because of how positive you feel together.

 

Relationships should be based on affection, not fear.

 

When something seems right I am not as afraid, and behave much better. But when things don't seem right I am insecure and act in a whirl of foppery.

 

So your gut (which I'd trust) makes you fearful and insecure and the whole thing is awry.

 

 

 

Notable in your case is both want to go to counseling.

 

So do you think your goal in counseling should be:

 

a) to get answers about whether this is right?

 

b) to make it work no matter what?

 

c) to make it work under certain given parameters that both identify in counseling?

[darkpumpkin]

I would go with C. I don't want to force this to work if it's not going to. But I won't walk away from someone I love with all my heart just because I can't communicate or because he's the first real relationship I've had since my first heartbreak. As for councelling after 4 months. Well in any other circumstance I would have chalked this to we aren't compatable but we both want this so why not do everything we can to make it work. If it can work.

[Batya33]

In general it takes at least 6 to 9 months to figure out if you are romantically compatible for the long term -- those early feelings of love are sweet but often not based on reality or if so, only partial reality. If it were me and that early on things were so bad/incompatible/untrusting that we needed couples counseling I would cut my losses and walk away. It's laudable to work on a long term relationship particularly if there is a marriage and/or children involved but the whole point of the getting to know you phase - which you are in - is to decide whether at minimum you have fun together and like each other most of the time and are compatible and trust each other most of the time so that it makes sense to continue.

[darkpumpkin]

See I've never felt the second part of a relationship. I've never gone to the point where the early love feelings disapate and I'm scared and untrusting of it. I come on here for every issue with this one because I don't know what to do and I find I usually overreact.

[cantexplain]

I would go with C. I don't want to force this to work if it's not going to. But I won't walk away from someone I love with all my heart just because I can't communicate or because he's the first real relationship I've had since my first heartbreak. As for councelling after 4 months. Well in any other circumstance I would have chalked this to we aren't compatable but we both want this so why not do everything we can to make it work. If it can work.

 

I don't know. I think you could go ahead and try counseling -- just both of you separately write down what you want out of this counseling - and once you both get the "answers" to your goals, go ahead and get out of counseling.

 

I'm like you - kind of hurt from past, failed relationships and mapping these hurts over present, unrelated opportunities. If someone believed in me to go into counseling after just 4 months - I'd be flattered, and reassured.

[cantexplain]

I think you could go ahead and try counseling

 

 

P.S. At the very least it could be a learning opportunity for your next potential romance.

[darkpumpkin]

That's why I can't agree with calling it quits. I was my idea to go into counseling and he was more then happy to do it for me and for us. And I I don't want to end something or have something end (before it's supposed to) over my past hurt, my fear, my insecurites.

[cantexplain]

Okay then. I suggest you ask your boyfriend to write down ALONE what he wants out of this counseling - and fold the paper over and take it with him to your first session together. You do the same. Tell your counselor you've done this and then let she/he take it from there.

 

And remember, once you get these things out of the counseling situation, then get out and deal head-on with life again.

 

Remember you are doing this for yourself first - your relationship second. Both of you seem to feel you deserve this chance at love.

 

Good luck darkpumpkin!! This will be tough.

[darkpumpkin]

Thank you. Thank you to everyone. I will not start any threads about my relationship with my boyfriend for a month until things have either improved or ended. I need to stop questioning myself and my relationship. I appriciate all the advice for the last four months.