Why doesn't he want to be friends?

[peterrabbit]

My ex (whom I dated for an intense 4 months) dumped me about one and a half years back, saying he needed space and was too stressed out at work. I did all the usual stuff, tried to reason things out etc. but it didn't work and he said some really nasty things to me, so I stopped talking to him. After about 3 weeks of that, he tried sporadically to contact me, but I didn't want to speak to him because I wasn't over him.

 

Then we bumped into each other, and he asked me out again, and I wanted to try again and I asked him to, and he said okay but let's take it slow this time because he didn't feel ready for a relationship. Well, during this time, I found out that he was flirting with other girls, and he really wasn't treating me nicely at all and I couldn't handle it because I really loved him, but I knew it wasn't good for me and before he came back into my life, I'd already really decided to move on. And I didn't want to be 'second choice'. So I gave him an ultimatum - all or nothing. And he chose nothing. Well, he had to be forced to choose, he obviously didn't want to give up his 'sex for free' thing. But he sent me a text saying that he knew he was being selfish, and he needed to let me go. But he was also really mad with me, because I told him on the same night that I gave him his ultimatum that I wanted to move on and date someone else who I had in mind. This person he considers a 'friend' of his - but I had met this guy before he even knew him, and they'd only really seen each other once. Ever since then, he's been ignoring me. And he told a lot of people that I was psycho and I thought all his friends were in love with me and I went around hitting on his friends... I still get funny looks nowadays from his friends. It really got me angry at that time.

 

I'm still going out with the guy I told him I was going to move on with. We have a wonderful relationship, and even though we have rough patches sometimes, I think we will make it. It was a couple of months before we really started dating seriously though.

 

But after I started going out with my boyfriend, I felt able to forgive my ex for all the things he had said to me/done/not done... you know. And ever since then, I've been trying to be his friend, but he doesn't want to make peace. I feel like we ended so badly, on such bad terms... and things don't always need to be ugly. We may not have made it as a couple, but I thought we would be able to be good friends. So every 3 months or so I send him an email saying that I hope he's doing well. I've tried to call him a couple of times, but everytime he hears it's me on the phone, he makes some sort of excuse and puts it down.

 

I haven't seen him for over a year now, but 3 weeks ago I bumped into him at a club, and I sort of waved hi. When he realized who it was, he looked really shocked, but then gave a grudging wave. He then abruptly turned, said something to his friend who looked in my direction, and the whole group walked out of the club. I was like, wow, he must really hate me to do that. I wasn't even going to go up to him anyway, since I sort of respect that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

 

He then had lunch with a mutual friend, and she was trying to broker peace between us but he was adamant that he didn't want to be friends. He said he had enough friends (kind of a social butterfly) and when he was done with a relationship he was done. Anyway, he's had 3 relationships in the one year or so that we've been apart.

 

Then I bumped into him again at another party. He saw me first, and said hi to one of my friends (whom didn't recognize him at all because he'd only met him once). This time, I didn't go up to him at all, and just stayed with my friends and didn't go near him. I was debating whether or not to try to say hi. My other friends noticed that he was staring at me in a 'funny way' quite a bit, and he kept walking by me holding various girls' hands or having his hand around their waists etc. I didn't mind though.

 

Anyway, I went up to him after a couple of hours and said hi. He said, hey, how have you been doing? I said good, how about yourself? And he said good, and asked me if I was happy. I said yes, I was happy and he said (in a dismissing tone) well, have a good time tonight. I said the same, and then I walked away. I figured that was it, but it was a good start. Maybe he'd be my friend some day.

 

When I went to the kitchen/bar to get a drink, he called to me and said he would get me a drink. He made his friend pour me a drink, and ignored me. I took my drink and said thanks, and then he grabbed me and wouldn't let me leave, and pushed another friend in front of me to talk to me.

 

He did that quite a bit the whole night - asking me to go with him to places (which I did, thinking he was finally ready to mend bridges) but then not talking to me at all and texting instead etc. while I stood there not knowing what to do.

 

The last time, we were at the kitchen bar again and he's trying to force vodka down my throat. He said well, I guess I'll see you when I see you, and I said okay, well I'm really glad that you said hello today. He gives me the normal kisses (left cheek, right cheek), and then tells me I smell so nice, just like I smelled before, and then tries to kiss me a few times, and I resist (I am, after all, happily attached). He had been drinking a lot though.

 

I push him gently away and say, look, I think you're a really nice guy and I really want to be friends. He says, I'm not a nice guy, I'm an a-hole - ask [friend] and she'll tell you that. I said, well, nevertheless I think you're a really nice guy and I will always be your friend. He looks at me and says very abruptly, 'I'll think about it'. And then turns away and talks to his other friends. And we go our separate ways.

 

I really don't understand what's going on. Why did he try to kiss me? Why doesn't he want to be friends? It's been such a long time, he's moved on and so have I, HE dumped me and he didn't want to work things out, so I don't understand why he doesn't want anything to do with me and he's acting like he's the dumpee. I'm friends with all my other exes, and this is the first time I've had a relationship that ended so badly and I just think it's so unnecessary to always be awkward when we see each other. I don't know what I could do to make it better.

 

I love my boyfriend, and he knows all of this and he's very supportive. I also know that despite the intensity I shared with my ex, I don't want to get back together with him, I don't see myself being with him again. But he was very important to me. And I care for him a great deal. I think a big thing for me also is how badly everything ended, and that I would like to be able to close the chapter on that.

 

Any thoughts? Sorry that this is so long...

[freedom]

you should move on and not try to be with this person(ex) as it is not benefitial to you or you current.

To be honest you sound obessed about our ex. Maybe you should take a long hard lok at yourself and try figure out why you 'need' this person in your life. He doesnt sound to be a person of character so why are you wasting your time thinking or trying to be his friend.

[peterrabbit]

Hmm. I think most people would have the same response. I'm not sure why. Sometimes, I think it's about closure. But maybe it's also because I can't get my head around the wonderful guy he was when we were going out together, and how awful he was and is when we broke up. I think what I can't figure out is, was he always that bad and I didn't see it, or was he good, and now he's being bad to me because I made him that way? And I want to believe that he is at heart good. I don't want to think of someone I went out with being a nasty person. We weren't right for each other as boyfriend girlfriend... but that doesn't mean we can't be friends, and I guess maybe I just want to know that he really doesn't think as badly of me as he seems to, given his behaviour and what he's told people about me.

 

My current boyfriend is fine, thanks for asking He understands me well enough, and why I feel like I do. He's one of those rare people who is really secure, not jealous, and generally happy.

 

I don't need him in my life in the sense that you think... when I say friends, I don't mean the meet every week for coffee etc., pour your heart out to kind of friend. I mean, the kind of friend where we can say hello once every few months, but most importantly - where we don't feel awkward everytime we do meet (and it is a very small world where I live). I don't like friction, or the thought of someone I used to date hating me to that extent. I had another ex at that party, and he introduced me to his fiancee. I don't really speak to him on a regular basis at all, but that's the kind of relationship which I would like with the ex in question - the one where when we do bump into each other, it's not uncomfortable, we can chat, laugh, meet each others' significant others... but I guess we don't always get what we want.

 

Or maybe I really am obsessing... and I should let it go, without trying to understand the whys and wherefores of how everything got to this stage of ugliness.

[Scotcha]

Not all relationships end with a friendship. I think you should stop trying. Why do you want to be his friend so badly? You can't force someone into a friendship just like you can't reason with someone to stay in a relationship. It just doesn't work that way. Move on from this and put your energies to better use.

[annie24]

i agree with scotcha. this guy clearly doesn't want to be your friend. Why? I don't know. in any case, i think you shouldn't bother with it anymore, let him go. spend time with your boyfriend, and invest your friend energies into your other friends who do like being your friend.

[boston23]

I agree with everyone that you shouldn't continue to try to be friends with him. I think that what it sounds like happened is that you hurt his pride and he still hasn't really come to terms with that. Maybe he's mad at himself for breaking up with you like that, but projecting his anger onto you instead.

 

Whatever is going on with him inside, it's certainly something you can't do anything about, and trying to force any friendship with him will just continue all of this. You're giving him permission to continue to act like this. Maybe at some point you can be the type of friends that you want to be, but that obviously would take a lot more time (and maturing on his part) to happen. Maybe a couple of years, maybe never. Leave him be, let him deal with his issues. He probably is a nice guy, but you shouldn't waste your time convincing him or yourself that he is.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Not all break ups end amicably. For what ever reason, this guy is not interested in being friends with you. Like Annie pointed out, it is anyone's guess as to why this is. It could be a number of reasons.

 

You do not get closure from someone else. You can only get closure from yourself. From what I have read, you have closure. Your ex does not want to be friends with you and now you have a new beau you are totally into and visa versa. And when you see him (your ex) at parties and bars, I would just ignore him. And if he comes up to you, say hi and politely excuse yourself. Not everyone is going to like you and want to be your friend (took me a long to time to grasp this too) and this guy is one of them.

 

Enjoy the time with your boyfriend and try to let this go about your ex.

 

Take care.

[Caterina]

This guy sounds like a psycho himself! I don't know why you would want to even be friends with him. Stay away from him.

[Hope75]

My first thought after reading how he treated you was "Why does she want to be friends with someone who acts like that? That is not how friends behave to one another."

 

I think at this point you have done all you can to be amicable, and it's time for you to let it go and accept that not all relationships that end can become friendships, in fact, odds are against that being possible in most cases.

 

You have plenty of other friends who act like it... this guy is not treating you like a friend and clearly doesn't want that- and you don't deserve friends who behave that way towards you.

 

You say that you are happy in your present relationship and have moved on.... so it's time to really move on and let this guy go, once and for all.

[Shannyn]

I agree with what everyone has said, this guy sounds downright abusive. Why would you even want to be friends with someone like that?? For your own self esteem stay away from this jerk. Sorry, but I couldnt think of anything nicer to come up with!!

[lady00]

My first thought after reading how he treated you was "Why does she want to be friends with someone who acts like that? That is not how friends behave to one another."

 

 

When I look at the name of the thread I think: wrong question. The question yuou should be asking yourself is "why do you want to be friends with him?"

[peterrabbit]

Thanks everyone for the replies

 

I guess you're right, I have to let this one go. I guess I just wanted to make everything all right between me and him, but if he's not willing to let go of it, well, I shouldn't force him to. I think I just don't like strife... I have some friends who are very hot tempered and sometimes get very nasty and personal, and mostly I just let what they say go because I just don't think, in the grand scheme of things that petty arguments are very important, and that they bring so much more to my life (when we're not arguing about the petty stuff).

 

But thanks again this was very helpful.

[Hope75]

Unfortunately you are right.... you cannot control the outcome of every situation, and you obviously tried very hard to make peace- but you can't decide for him what he wants, and it seems clear that he's not interested in being friends.

 

But you can let that go and be at peace with yourself knowing that you tried- and that's all you can do.