Anger turned into tears

[GQstatus]

I posted lastnight about my breakup from my gf of a year in a half. I felt it coming, I saw her distance, and could hear her emotionless voice that no longer sounded familiar to me.

 

I wasn't hurt at all lastnight, no emotion at all. I couldn't get to sleep at all, and when I did I woke up 4 hours later after having a STUPID dream about us at McDonalds ordering the same thing (neither one of us even like McDonalds). I woke up and sat up in bed instantly, and the tears just came rolling down my cheeks. I haven't called her today, dunno if she's called me, I keep the computer plugged it, and the phone won't ring.

 

I already know what I need to do, which is walk away. I won't be calling her. But I'm almost certain she will call, if not within a couple days, a week tops. I don't have caller id, and at the moment don't have a cell phone, so I need to answer just about every call. I won't ask about us, and will try to sound as "normal" as I can, knowing I have plenty of questions.

 

I talked to my dad (who has always liked her a lot, and knows she comes from a very bad background) and he put it very simple. "She is an addict". Guess that's the easiest way to put it. She'll have her clean spells (like when she came back to me) and its like Im her addiction for the time being. I give her a high, until it's not good enough and she goes back to the drugs. She knows I'm a good guy, and knows I've always treated her well, she comes back because she knows I'll catch her when she falls. I just wish she wanted that catch, to be her cure.

 

I hate knowing how great of a person she is under it all, as I listen to her half baked voice that shows no emotion. Her little "breakdowns" the past couple weeks, were obviously her sobering up and feeling some bit of guiltiness towards what she was doing to herself, and us. I just wish it was strong enough to wake her up.

 

I know that we could never have a healthy relationship again unless she got extensive therapy. Until she faced her demons from the past, and let go of the "easy cures". What do you think the chances are again of her realizing down the road, she made a "mistake". And comes back? I'm not asking this cuz I want her back with the snap of the fingers, I'm hoping she does in hopes I can make it 100% clear to her the only chance for US starts with HER. Her being happy with HER.

 

I pray to god she gets picked up by the police, just for her sake. Because I know it would make her sit there SOBER and think. She's beautiful and as insecure as she is, she know she can get whatever she wants. She seems to think she's invisible, and I hope she gets the reality check she desperately needs before it's too late.

 

She's on the path to end up just like her mother. Something she swears up and down she'll never be.

 

What should I do when she calls? What should I say? I really need some encouragment tonight, I'm not as bad off as I was the first time around. I still have my appetite, and haven't thought about picking up the phone once. I'm just feeling a little down.

[Daddy Bear]

Take it from an ex-junkie: addicts invariably travel in a downward arc until they hit bottom, and they will drag anyone they can grab onto along with them. Your breakup just may have been the best thing that's ever happened to you.

[GQstatus]

I understand that. I was never really "addicted" to drugs when I was younger. But started smoking weed at about 14, socially, and from 16-18 smoked almost religiously. Everyday, all day, not so much because I was "addicted" but because I was bored, mad at the world, and needed attention. I never really hit a rock bottom, just woke up one day and thought "What am I doing", and slowly turned my life around.

 

I guess that's why I hold out hope for her. Although her problems are a lot more severe than mine every were (her bad childhood), I can see a little bit of me in her.

 

When you hit rock bottom you need all the GOOD support you can possibly have. And having a mother that really doesn't care about your drug use, doesn't help that.

 

You think I should just back off completely and write her off? I've been through quite a lot in my 23 years, some stuff I'd just rather not discuss here. I think I'm a pretty strong individual. Why can't I let this go?

[mikeca]

I think you cant let it go becuase you want to save her, but the fact is not everyone can be saved, they must want it themselves deep down.

 

I think you have a good head on your shoulders, shes made her choice for now, perhaps in the future she will want to be saved, but its best for now you move on alone.

[cchurting]

It sounds like there is some greater issues here beyond her getting high.

 

She is using drugs to escape her problems. thereforeeee, they are not being addressed. Hence her little breakdowns.

 

LIke Ben Harper sings "Now the drugs don't work, They just make you worse"

 

I think this woman needs clarity, but only she can provide that for herself.

[PrincessDiana]

I was just abandoned during an illness by my boyfriend of 7 years for a 28 year old (I am 47) married mother and addict. I am not sure what her addiction is but is drug or alcohol related. He is trying to "save" her....and that hurts me excessively as he abandoned me when I was suffering from anxiety attacks which I since learned were caused by his cheating. My subconscious was aware of his cheating but my conscious wasn't. He cheated on me for 6 months prior to leaving our relationship. So he had himself all cozy with this married addict, who is now helping get her divorce...and then he blindsided me by breaking off via email and mailing almost all of my belongings home....I sent him a list of what I wanted back and he sent all but 3 things! Keeping the my video camera and the tapes of our life together, my wireless router and my bicycle. Why would he not send all of the things I have asked for back? He clearly wants her. By the way, I have never used drugs, am not a party person, but would drink wine with him. He would drink 3 to 4 bottles per week by himself. I am a stable person, intelligent, self sufficient, warm and loving, easy to please....and I lost to a 28 year old addict with a child!

[blender]

PrincessDiana, you did not "lose" anything to her.. instead you now have a chance to RE-GAIN yourself... this guys "life pattern" was in place way before you came into his life, and it will be in his life for a long time to come.. honestly this "new" relationship he is in, is headed for a break up.. they are both unstable, alcohol, rescuing, divorcing, addicted"... recipe for his "life pattern" in full swing... and it leads in a big circle, and he'll run into HIMSELF over and over again..thank god you are no longer involved with him.. YOU are worthy of "solid ground" with a man, and this guy stands on "quicksand".. be grateful YOU won't be sinking into it along with him anymore.... YOU are strong, loyal, SOBER, courageous and loving... these qualities are YOURS, and now you have the opportunity to find someone who shares and respects these quailities in himself and in you... I sent you a pm about the photos/videos he kept..

[PrincessDiana]

Blender, you see this so clearly and I thank you for your "eyes" as mine are still blinded by love and tears.

[GQstatus]

Thank you all for the replies. I'm sorry to hear about your story Princess, losing someone you love is never easy.

 

CChurting - The problems very well aren't the drugs, or ever have been I believe. She started using at a very young age to cover up her past. Her mother never really got her help, I believe she was in therapy for a few short months. And was put on bi polar medication. When that ran out, her mother never refilled her perscription. This was when she was about 14.

 

I would rather someone walk away from me because I'm not good enough for them. Because I messed up, and ruined the relationship. Not because I can't compete with a substance. She knows if she moved here I wouldn't enable her, at all. Could it be she got scared of that? That maybe for once in her life she'd have to face her problems?

 

I find it weird. After our 4 month breakup lapse the first time. She came back after she had been SOBER. Completely sober. Like her TRUE feelings were there, and she spoke to me truly. And now that things are back on track for her, and she's no longer pregnant, she's on drugs and once again doesn't care.

 

She has a very very likable personality. She's very bubbly, extremely, spontaneous, and always has a smile on her face. Yet inside, she's broken into a million pieces. I don't get it.

 

Knowing she was supposed to get here early tomorrow morning, is hard. I had this whole week planned out, and it hurts she won't be coming.

[Orlander]

One remedy to help stop bad dreams is to picture the dream again but this time to take control of what happens in the dream. If you are standing by your ex, ordering McDonalds, then turn to her, in your mind, and tell her to F off.

 

Tell her to leave immediately. Don't give her any time to react or respond. Take the hamburger out of her hand and open the door for her. If she hesitates, get mad and firmly tell her to take a hike.

 

Dont resort to violence and dont lose your temper in this mental exercise. Just be persistent until she walks out the door, then lock it behind her.

 

Whatever dream you have in the future, do this same sort of thing. It helps and I doubt that you will have many more dreams of your ex after that.

 

 

Orlander

[PrincessDiana]

GQStatus...thank you for your kind words. I sympathize with your situation also. My brother suffers from addiction issues too. That is why I am so bewildered that my ex chose the addict over me, because he is in for a world of pain and turmoil. Your ex appears to like doing drugs, and when they "like" it they will never give it up. It is how they are built. Since you don't exist in a world like that, you have made the only decision you can make, which is to not be in a relationship with her. Good Luck to you...and may we all help each other ease our pain caused from genuinely loving others.