How do i let go of fear, and just trust him?

[SherriLi]

Hi everyone. I am having a hard time trusting my bf. I am so scared of being hurt and betrayed. I'm scared to death of being cheated on and looking like a fool.

 

His actions and words prove that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. But at the same time, he's admitted to lying to me and i've found things that he shouldn't have had , now he's asking me how to change his password for messenger. I was the one that set it up for him and he know's that i know it. I asked him why, and he told me that he didn't want someone at his old residence to sign in and get his p.word. I told him not to worry, and that it was impossible. I know he had another email account that he spoke to other ppl with. He reserved the one i made for him solely for communication with me.

 

Now i know that if he were to install the other messaging prog. on my comp. he knows that i know he'd be chatting with his ex, and whom ever else he had on there. So now i think that he's trying to change his pword on the one i know about so he can chat with them anyway.

 

When i told him not to worry, that the other person couldn't get into his msn, he flipped and signed out. When i asked why he wanted to change it, he said i knew you'd think i was upto something... I said "well, usually when people are being secretive, they are harbouring secrets. Secrets lead to lies... and lies lead to breakups"

 

I hate thinking about this stuff, i hate doubting him. He freaks when i do. I just want to trust him, i want to be happy, he makes me sooo happy when i'm NOT worrying about this. I don't hide anything from him, he's seen all my contacts etc. But he's so secretive all the time. I hate it.

 

Breaking up just isn't an option what so ever.... So does anyone have any simialr experiences, anything that they have found to help ease their fears?

 

Thanks for takin the time to read.

[veneratio]

You can't trust him if he's being secretive like that. He has to be honest with you. Questions and worries will always arise in the back of your mind no matter what. All I can say is try to talk to him about it some more.

[caro33]

What else has he been secretive about SherriLi? I haven't seen anything much in your current post to show he's been shady. What does "he's so secretive all the time" mean?

 

The thing is, there are fears that are founded purely on insecurity, and are up to the person feeling them to manage. I have been there, and I'm still there.

 

There are the fears that are built on a real concern, a real problem, and sometimes insecurity can reinforce them, but in that case it's not just a matter of managing your insecurity. Been there also.

 

Happy to discuss either further with you, but which is more like your situation do you think? How long have you been dating and has he cheated on you in the past?

[Anna.]

You can't make yourself trust someone. It's either you feel in your gut that someone is trustworthy or you don't.

 

Look at your situation: as much as you want to, you can't make yourself trust him. You feel like he's keeping secrets and hiding things and/or lying to you.

 

I think you gotta let him know. If he really respects you and cares about your relationship, he should understand that he has to earn your trust. There is no reason for him to get angry. Don't accuse him, just tell him his actions are odd and you'd love to trust him, but you just don't. And he hasn't proven himself trustworthy in the past, either.

[lightblue]

i'm going through somethign similar as well. my husband is an amazing guy, but i jsut can't seem to trust him. the best solution si to just talk to ur man, and clear things out in ur mind and heart. if u still feel that u can't trust him, then you will never be happy with him.

[Batya33]

You can get to a point of trust if it is all about you and your insecurities - sometimes that requires therapy. In this case, though, I think your fears are in part rationally based - he lies, he's secretive about things that make you uncomfortable, etc.