Situation

[VeganBohemian]

My boyfriend has been having trouble in his class and he thinks he is going to fail and not graduate. He is in his last semester and this is a required class. He has been freaking out saying that he might drop it and take another class during the summer, but that he would graduate late. I thought the problem was that he simply did not study adequately so I gave him advice and told him forcefully kind of that if he wants to pass, he HAS to study harder. He says that he can't. I know he can...he has a 3.8 GPA. He is obviously capable. He just gets so overhwhelmed by his work and is a perfectionist (he'll spend 5 hours on a 1 page paper).

 

My roommate had the same class (roughly...same teacher, same material) and she got a B on the first test (the one my BF thinks he failed) and I showed him and told him that it isn't impossible and he said a bunch of stuff. He all of a sudden had a horrible headache and we went to his house. After we ate, he slept on my lap for a little bit. Then, when we went to lay down he started to flip out saying that if he doesn't graduate on time that 1) he is stupid and 2) he is going to kill himself! (he took that back since then, but it still disturbed me a lot).

 

He said that his degree is all he has and that he is retarded if he can't finish in 4 years, but that isn't true. I went ballistic after he said all that and that he is going to kill himself and I couldnt calm down, I was crying and hyperventilating. We ended up finally falling asleep. The next day, we were okay. He didn't mention the night before and said he is sorry and that he didn't mean what he said. We watched a movie, drank a little bit of rum (I drank too much), and we started talking about his situation again. I told him what he needs to do is just sit down and study for hours and hours before the test and he kept saying that he is different, he can't do that, he doesn't have the concentration, etc.

 

He got upset, I started crying, he said my advice is good and that I shouldn't cry just because we are having a discussion. He said I should toughen up. I then said that he cannot tell me I am not tough because there are a lot of things going on in my life that I don't talk to him about. My mom is practically dying, my dad has bladder cancer, I HATE MY LIVING SITUATION. He then said that he feels bad studying on the weekend because thats when he sees me and then he actually started crying saying that he hates how I have so many sad things happening in my life and that it isn't fair to me. He ended up crying SOO much because of ME. Saying that he has so much pressure to get us "out of here" (meaning our living situations)...anyway, we ended up ok.

 

I don't understand what I should do to help him. He said he is going to stick his class out and try to deal with it. But, he overreacts so much. He said that if he is going to try in this class he will have to go on "lockdown" mode. He is insane sometimes. I didn't mean he has to spend every waking second with his nose in a book, but he HAS TO STUDY something if he is going to graduate. The test that he took he was supposed to memorize like 60 sanskirt terms and shiz. I don't know what to do...I love him so much and I know that if he fails this class, it will be very, very bad. I want him to get some kind of help with his problems. I need to be able to make everything okay. I want him to know that he doesn't need to see me every weekend and that graduation is WAY more important. I want him to know how intelligent and wonderful he is. And I want him to know that he will be so successful and that no matter what happens I love him.

[Meow18]

Have you ever offered to help him study? Sometimes it's easier when someone is there helping you. I mean, he might get off track doing it just himself. I know it helps me tons when my boyfriend quizzes me. I'm just not a "studier". I get too distracted. It's easier to stay focused with him there doing it with me.

 

You said he had to memorize stuff? It is something you can put on notecards and do like a flashcard type thing? That always helps me..

 

Obviously finishing this class on time means a lot to him. And maybe he just needs to put a little more time into working towards that. So, I would say that when you are together, you should help him through this class. You might not know all the material, but you can still ask him the questions at the end of each chapter. I mean, it won't be a fun way to spend 25% of your time together, but at least it will only last for a few months.

 

Also, you mentioned that your friend took the class with the same teacher? If she's willing, he should definitely ask her for help too!

[VeganBohemian]

I have offered to make him flashcards and to quiz him and to give him my roommate's old notes, but he labels this class as "impossible" and then says irrational crap like he is going to kill himself if he doesn't graduate. Makes no damn sense. I care about him so much and it kills me.

[Meow18]

I'm afraid his negative view is going to make him fail. He doesn't want to even try because he's already thinking he's going to fail at it.

 

Unfortunately, I don't know what you can do. You obviously can't force him to have a different mindset about this class, I mean, nothing you say will change what he already believes.

 

I would tell him that you are willing to help with anything. You are willing to quiz him and help him study. And you will be there to listen to his worries. And leave it at that. I know it's hard, but what else can you do?

 

If he really wants to pass this class, then he really has to want it and go for it. At this moment, he has already given up even though he claims he's going to try.

 

And honestly, he might just need some time to think it over. I've been having issues with school as well and I complain to my boyfriend about it all the time and get madder when he tries to help because he makes it seem so EASY. But after a few days, when I can think straight again, I realize that he really had some great advice.

 

But I would still let him know you will be there for him with this class if and when he needs you.