Was he my last chance?

[janeok]

I am still hurting. It has been over a month now of nc. I hate that I am still hurting. He has made no attempt to contact me and I realize that the relationship is over.

 

I am hurt, sad,lonely as hell! And I am going to be 32 in June. Most of my friends are either in relationships or married. And I can't help but think that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Will I ever meet anyone again? How do I go about meeting someone else? It makes me sick to even think about.

 

I hate feeling this way!

[annie24]

(((HUGS)))) no, he wasn't your last chance. my mother remarried at 36 (and again at 60!) so don't feel like it was your last chance. I hate to say it, but statistically, half of your friends will be divorced within the next decade or so, so don't feel like you are the only single one, because it won't always be like that.

 

just focus on healing and moving forward. keep meeting new people. get involved in lots of activities. afterall, Mr. Right isn't going to knock on your door (unless he's the pizza guy!)

[janeok]

Annie24,

 

Thanks so much for your quick reply. It is so hard to not feel this way. What sucks too is that I sense a panic in my father's voice (and my mother's) when we talk about if I am dating or not. It hurts to know that they think I might never get married.

[savoie]

32 is still young. but if i may insert an observation here.......the reason the divorce rate is so high - is because people get married for the wrong reasons.........like - because their friends are.

 

do what is right for you. marry when you find the right guy.

[Batya33]

So what would be your opinion if I told you that I am 40 and have never been married - that I've had several long term serious relationships with really good men who weren't right for me? That I've wanted to get married for many years - might be close to making that commitment now - but at your age, I had just ended a serious relationship and was dating. Let's also assume I have several close friends, many good friends, a loving, supportive family, a successful career, volunteer work that I love, do lots of fun activities in one of the most exciting cities in the world and am in very good health. So, does the fact that I am not married and that I do not have children of my own (both have always been goals of mine) make me some kind of a loser or pathetic? Would it be better if I were married with kids but kind of "blah" - would that somehow make me a better or successful person just to be able to say I was married? I know some people see it that way - you seem to see it that way - as if your whole sense of self depends on whether you find a man to give you that diamond and then the wedding band.

 

Look, I am sure your parents are well-meaning but part of this is you - if you sulk around because you don't happen to have a boyfriend or be in a relationship - even if everything else is going well for you - or if all your effort is put into finding a man rather than learning a new skill, doing volunteer work, finding women to be friends with who either are single or are married but treat you with respect -- then the impression your family will have is that you feel worthless without a man. And men can tell that from a mile away and the ones who are worth it will run - because they will not want a woman depending on them for her sense of self.

 

I have a close friend - she is 40, has a wonderful husband (and handsome, too!) - he loves her so much and she loves him so much! She has two beautiful children and she is also very intelligent and was thinking about returning to her very rewarding and inspiring career helping others. That is, until she was diagnosed with breast cancer three months ago which spread, so now she is facing over a year of debilitating chemo and the loss of her breasts. Still jealous? Yes, her wonderful husband is being wonderfully supportive - thank goodness! - but, no, the fact that she has a wonderful husband and children doesn't take away that her life is hell right now and in serious danger.

 

Or how about my other close friend - she met her husband on an on line dating site and married him when she was 32. Terrific guy. She died two years later of cancer at age 34. What if she had spent her time as you do, feeling sorry for herself for being single? Thank goodness before she met him and before she got sick she focused on being a wonderful friend to so many, on a career that helped teenagers in trouble, on being close with her family.

 

Please give this some thought and please stop focusing so much on wrapping your happiness into whether some man wants you to be his wife.

[janeok]

Batya33,

 

I appreciate your bluntness. But I can't help but feel this way right now. I broke up with my ex a month ago and I am entitled to feel sorry for myself sometimes. I am sad. I feel lonely. And I want to be in a healthy relationship.

 

I have never been one to just be with a guy out of desperation, no matter how lonely I was feeling. I have good friends, a good family, and I am close to finishing my graduate degree in order to start my new career.

 

I am sorry that all those things happened to your friends. I understand where you are coming from, but I still am fearful about my future.

 

I want to be married. I want kids. And it is not because being single makes one look like a loser. I have lots of amazing single girlfriends my age, older, etc. and they are not losers. I never said that I thought this was the case.

[annie24]

I understand where your worries come from. And that fear is such a negative, nasty voice. ugggh! I read a more positive statistic.... that 95% of people by the age of 50 will eventually be married. (And likely a good percent of those 5% never wish to marry.) So, that says if you just keep living a full life, the right man will eventually come along.

 

There is a really good book by E. Jean Carroll (one of my favorite writers!) It's "Mr. Right, Right Now!" It's very funny and sassy, I think it will give you hope.

[savoie]

wow batya that was to the point! i like it when i am faced with the harsh reality.

 

i think the pressure to be married for a woman is much like the pressure for a guy to be successful. society still places high value on those things for men and women. it sucks but it is the truth. you have to be pretty strong when year after year you are the bridesmaid - when you long to share that special something with someone and start a family. plus women only have so long to biologically produce. that sucks too.

 

i live in a very progressive-hip city. one of my friends married in her 20's the rest are either still single or have married in their 30's. my sister just had her first baby at 39! while i still felt significant pressure, i know that it does not compare with most of the country or most of the world for that matter.

 

so - while i still believe that one should wait to find the right guy - i understand the sadness and pressure that is associated with it.

[Batya33]

Yes, you definitely are entitled to feel sorry for yourself - I didn't mean to suggest you shouldn't. It's all about the extent to which you allow yourself to have this pity party and the extent to which you make this search so overtake other aspects of your life that you will sabotage the very goal you want. I totally understand that you want a happy marriage and to have kids. I understand that ending a relationship in your 30s concerns you because you think you are running out of time. 9 of my friends met and married their husbands in the age range 38-40. One of them who married in June is due next month with her first child. Another one married at 36 and had her first child at 38.

 

It is a true blessing that there has been NC for a month because it will help you move on that much faster.

 

Here is how my friends I mentioned above met their husbands: in her apartment building, valentine's day 2 years ago, on line (including eharmony and jdate), and through work.

 

I met my serious boyfriend many years ago at work, we then reconnected a year and a half ago and started dating. The serious boyfriend prior to that I met through a friend - blind date, and another serious boyfriend I met while attending a condolence call for his father's death. So, you never know - try on line, do volunteer work, join a community theater, tell everyone you know that you are willing to be set up on blind dates, etc.

[janeok]

annie24,

 

That's a great statistic! I will definitely check out the book. thanks again.

[janeok]

It is so great to be able to come here and get support and advice. You all have made me feel so much better already. Ugh..just want the heartach to subside already...

[Batya33]

Yes, there is a lot of pressure. I especially loved the question - when I was doing on line dating "so, why has no one snapped you up yet?" and I would reply "how come you presume no one has ever proposed to me" (I have been engaged, twice). Married strangers feel comfortable asking me why I'm not married yet - how would they feel if I asked how their sex lives were?

 

And I also live in one of the hippest, most progressive cities in the world.

[savoie]

lol batya - you crack me up. the questions remind me of when i was in my teens and 20's and did everything i could to put meat on my body - i drank weight-on, wore sweats beneath my pants - ridiculous. at 5'8" and 110lbs people would tell me that i was too thin - perfect strangers! rude man! now i am grateful for my high metabolism!!

 

in response to the marriage questions - they don't bother me much anymore -most people are just sticking their foots in their mouths anyway - its harmless. they don't realize how silly the come accross to someone like me.

 

if it is a guy that i am dating who asks - i find it a legitimate question. many people who stay single are single because they are bitter or psycho - it isn't always by choice.

[Batya33]

lol batya - you crack me up. the questions remind me of when i was in my teens and 20's and did everything i could to put meat on my body - i drank weight-on, wore sweats beneath my pants - ridiculous. at 5'8" and 110lbs people would tell me that i was too thin - perfect strangers! rude man! now i am grateful for my high metabolism!!

 

in response to the marriage questions - they don't bother me much anymore -most people are just sticking their foots in their mouths anyway - its harmless. they don't realize how silly the come accross to someone like me.

 

if it is a guy that i am dating who asks - i find it a legitimate question. many people who stay single are single because they are bitter or psycho - it isn't always by choice.

 

 

I just don't like the presumption that I am single because I haven't been proposed to. If a guy I am dating asks me in a respectful way, that is fine as long as he is prepared to tell me the same about him.

[melrich]

I think at 32 you are still very young ( I mean in respect of having time on your side to meet someone and have children).

 

I have seen both sides to be honest. I have seen people run out of time and I've seen people find someone well into their 30s and have happy relationships and children.

 

I do understand where you are coming from but I don't think now is the time to panic or make hasty decisions. But I see where you are coming from.

[janeok]

I know that it is important to keep postive and have postive energy. I know that it is a waste to think about what could happen in the future. I know that it is important to live in the moment and enjoy the ride. But sometimes when I think about my ex, the rejection, moreover the thought of finding someone to start over with, I feel hopeless.

[annie24]

I know! Just the thought of having to go on yet ANOTHER first date, or get introduced to a sting of guys that your cousins and coworkers think would be *perfect* for you..... that's enough to cause a headache!

[blender]

he was so NOT your last chance, he was an "emotional bridge" that FATE had you cross so that the "opportunity" that only heartbreak can provide will allow you to re-gain your sense of self, and feel empowered by your self respecting choice to maintain no contact, look within your own self for your happiness, be "accepting" of your sadness, and know that it will pass.

 

You will be better for having gone through this awful time with your integrity, and your confidence will be restored by YOU for YOU, BEFORE you start another relationship..this is the most powerful and attractive thing you can do.. some people never grow until their heart is broken..it's then that we can realize just how precious we are, and what we truly want from a relationship, and not "clinging to what we 'hoped" could be".. but instead going out and finding what actually CAN BE for you....

 

No worries about "getting married' ugh..this isn't 1955, it's 2007 and you are SOOO YOUNG...32 is the new 23..right? the future holds all the miracles and happiness you so deserve, trust fate, breathe, cry, keep writing here.. cross this emotional bridge with courage, you can do it!!!!

 

And as I've said to you before: As much as it hurts, just know that sometimes in life we are "sad" for awhile, you will be okay... let go for one day at a time,... do not re-act to the "temporary desperate feelings" you are having right now by thinking "he" holds the key to your happiness.. only YOU hold that key, hang on to it tight, for YOU.... keep the big picture in mind.. it's only been a month of no contact.. give it some time.. give YOURSELF some time...

 

YOU are going to heal, grow past all this, and who knows what wonderful adventures are ahead for you...

[finewhine]

Blender, I'm saving your post in case any of my friends go through a breakup. Kudos!

[janeok]

Blender,

 

Once again, thank you so much for being there. Your posts are supportive and inspirational.

 

-Jane

[janeok]

Batya33,

 

Those are great suggestions on how to get myself out there. I actually play volleyball, ski and play tennis, etc. (Of course, because everything seems to happen in three's), I tore my mcl and can't seem to do any kind of excercise until I get surgery done. However, I do like the arts and may look into some events..

 

It's important for me to keep healthy, be postive, and enjoy the wonderful things that I do have.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

oh you are not old! and even if you were, there is NEVER an end to romance... as they say, the heart springs eternal!

 

i know many 40 year old women who have men in their late 20s chasing them... so really, what is wrong is not your age, but your PERCEPTION that life ends at 30, and you'll never find a husband or have a child...

 

the best advice i can give you is that if marriage and children is your goal, then don't waste ANY time staying with a man who is not getting you closer to that goal, or mooning over one that didn't work out. just recognize that there is no water in a dry well, so don't dig deeper in that well, but that doesn't mean you can't start digging a new well elsewhere, and as soon as possible...

 

best of luck, get out, have fun, do things you like, and look for someone who DOES want to be with you and have similar goals, and don't waste years with someone who is waffling about the marriage and family thing, just move on to the next one! just remind yourself that getting caught up in this loss too much prevents you from going after your dreams, so try not to dwell on the loss or all the very very small potential chance of never finding someone again.

[Orlander]

Blender is right on. Great advice from everyone. The reason why the advice sounds so good is because its so true.

 

This isn't about being 31. This is about accepting that you are not your age. You are not your broken relationships. You are not time lost.

 

You are free and you have more knowledge and a greater understanding of what you want as a person and desire from a relationship. You are hope. You are possibilities.

 

I'm going to tell you that it is the most ridiculous thing I have heard that you won't find anyone else to love. Moreover, I promise you you will find someone you will love even more than the last person you were with.

 

To do this, all you have to do is let go of the relationship that was and focus on your own faith that you will one day have the love you desire.

 

 

Orlander

[longhaircats]

i know many 40 year old women who have men in their late 20s chasing them....

 

BeStrongBeHappy, you gave me a hope Thanks!