I'm not the problem your the problem

[darkpumpkin]

I've had enough!

 

I can't take this anymore. I love my boyfriend. He is very sweet. He will be considerate to me at times. But he always blames me. If we get into any fight he blames me. We went to councelling on thursday. Everything was great until I saw him saturday night.

 

He had come in from red deer and picked me up. He had eaten around 3 and was like "so you ate already" when he picked me up at 5:30. I replied "no, but I know you ate so we can eat after you play hockey tonight". He plays hockey from 10-11. So all is good. He's tired and sore and all he's talking about is going home and sleeping. I made the silly comment that I should have just stayed home becasue he was grumpy and I didn't want to just stay in and sleep.

 

Anyway we make our way to safeway. We get to the checkout and he starts putting his stuff down. He then starts to put my stuff with his. I say pleasently "no no I'll pay for mine". Well he starts handing me the stuff. I had a bad moment got frustrated and took ovet the situation....he could tell I was frustrated. In the car he was acting like a wounded puppy so I said I was sorry for getting so frustrated. He continues to act like a little sad puppy. I finally ask why he he's acting like that and he blows up and tells me that he was being all kind and loving and I snapped at him. And that my apology wasn't very sincere. So I walk out of the room. Fine that's done.

 

We go to hockey after making up and he mentions his ex I freak out a bit and say it's not appropriate and he goes into this whole vent on how he has to walk on egg shells around me and that he can't say anything.

 

I sit in an ice cold hockey rink for 2 hours. I'm freezing. He's finished and I say we can go home if you want because I knew he must be tired. he says "fine". So we go home. I'm freezing, can't feel my feet, hungry and emotional torn down again. We get in I jump in the shower to get warm and cry my eyes out. I go to into the bedroom and find him sleeping. So I lay down he rolls over to cuddle me as I'm crying and shaking from still being so cold and just starts snoring in my ear.

 

Then this morning I ask for sex (we've been having sex issues) and he tried to undo my pants and I make a little comment with giggles that it feels like I'm being rapped. Well he rolls over. He then gets up to go for a shower and says "I didn't think you wanted sex. You didnt' seem interested in it". Damn it! it's not always my fault. I feel like no matter what goes wrong with us he never takes responsibility. I just can't do this.

[DN]

Try writing this post again as if you were in him posting and describing those events. Perhaps that might help you see things from his perspective.

[darkpumpkin]

I know how he thinks. He thinks like I do at times. But whenever we fight I always apologize. Those were only certain events. My biggest issue is that I am always saying sorry for fights. Even when he cause them. Even when he's out of line.

[kellbell]

Hey there darkpumpkin,

"My biggest issue is that I am always saying sorry for fights. Even when he cause them. Even when he's out of line."

 

This statement jumped out at me. NEVER apologize for matters in which were not your fault. You are owning responsiblity for matters you have no means to own. And when you do that, especially in a relationship, the other will walk all over you and lose respect for you. It makes a person appear weak, having no boundries and open to be taken advantage of.

 

Do not apologize for things in order to keep the peace, in order for the other not to be mad at you or to keep things going. It has dire consequences as you are seeing now. He has NO incentive to own up to any responsibility because you take it on.

 

Next time he is out of line, crosses a boundry, call him on it. Tell him you will not tolerate it and leave the room, leave his house, or where ever you are at the time. And stick to your guns! Do call and give in just to keep him around. See how that works. A definition of insanity is doing things the same way and expecting different results. Do something different and see where it takes you.

[Dako]

Do you both ever discuss solving problems while you're getting along?

Seems like you have no methods established before a snit occurs.

 

He can play hockey without you freezing and starving.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Then this morning I ask for sex (we've been having sex issues) and he tried to undo my pants and I make a little comment with giggles that it feels like I'm being rapped. Well he rolls over. He then gets up to go for a shower and says "I didn't think you wanted sex. You didnt' seem interested in it".

 

Hi there,

 

This bit leapt out at me, and maybe I've misread it - did you say to him 'if feels like I'm being raped'? (Apologies if I've picked that up wrongly, but wasn't sure).

 

If you did say that - I've got to say, most men would NOT take that well during sex. It's a hurtful, scary thing to say, not lighthearted at all, and I can understand him being upset and leaving. But maybe I've read it wrong, and if so, my apologies to you.

 

I'm sorry you'r ehaving troubles - I agree that honest communication when you're getting on is the way forward, not fighting and saying sorry when you DON'T FEEL IT! Because you want to get on better, don't you, not asign blame to one or the other.

 

I hope you feel better - take care.

[darkpumpkin]

I'm just scared. If I don't say sorry then that will be it. But I've got to stop. I just have to. It has been going on for 2 months now and it's draining me. And he has stopped taking responsibility because he know's I will. As for the rape comment. I probably shouldn't have said that. I regret it and I apologized for that.

[kellbell]

"If I don't say sorry then that will be it."

 

I can sympathize with this but if he cannot handle his responsiblities, then he is not the one for you. Relationships should NOT be draining like this. I am sure he will respect you so much more when you use your backbone and hold him accountable for his actions.

[darkpumpkin]

I guess that's why I'm so worried. When I met this man it felt like everything fell into place. It clicked. I said on the second date of meeting him to my friend "I'm going to marry this man". But then everything fell a part a month later. It's just so frustrating. When it's good between us I want nothing else in this world. And when it's bad I wish I was anywhere but with him.

[valiantv]

You don't have to marry him just because you said you would to your friend

 

I make a little comment with giggles that it feels like I'm being rapped.

Do you mean raped? Whoa, this is a very dodgy thing to say, unless there was a precedent for this kind of talk maybe you shouldn't have said it... You should make him understand you were trying to be light-hearted or joking, but judging by the lack of communication that seems to be going on anyway, there's every reason to believe he could have taken this badly... By all accounts being raped is a very bad feeling!!!

 

But regarding the other stuff, I agree with Kellbell, he has to take responsibility for his own actions and he'll never do that if you keep saying sorry. In most arguments there's a bit of fault on both sides, but you seem to be accepting all the fault yourself.

 

I mean you have to admit that in the examples you've given... Snapping at him in the supermarket and then freaking out because he mentioned his ex would make him feel he had to withdraw a bit... But this acting like a wounded puppy and then "blowing up", followed by the accusation that you're apology wasn't sincere? I mean what does the guy want? Makes me think he was milking it for all it's worth.

 

These are the two parts that you guys have to talk about.

 

I might just add this:

tells me that he was being all kind and loving and I snapped at him.

He should have said he was trying to be kind and loving... Obviously you didn't perceive it that way, he didn't pick his moment well - and you don't be kind and loving to earn brownie points and you definitely do not use against the person in a future argument! you do it because it should make him happy to see you happy.

[valiantv]

By the way, when you are saying sorry, do you say it just to keep the peace, or are you actually seeing it from his point of view and feel you did wrong?

[blender]

It sounds like so much "drama".. and you are both responsible..

 

if you do say "sorry" then it means you would choose to not repeat certain behaviors... because it feels "right" for you as well. But if you say "sorry" and repeat the same behavior..well then the word "sorry" starts to lose it's value.. same goes for him as well.

 

It seems you are both being very defensive and at times also saying things to try to provoke some "emotion" in the other.. this is more of a "power struggle" than it is "love" right now.

 

Take a moment to step back and see YOUR part of the "pattern" you guys are stuck in right now, and try to make a change in your own behavior, a change that is based on self respect, and respect for him at the same time. You can not change him, or convince him on how to behave, the only one you have power over is yourself and your own choices of behavior..

 

if you do think that maybe some of this is your due to your choices, well then change some of your choices of behavior, or sarcastic comments you make and see if it removing the "self defensive drama" might not have a positive effect.. I bet it will.

 

The healing starts with one person making a choice to go about things "differently with patience, love, understanding and a strong sense of your own behavior patterns"... then you can really see if it's a bad pattern of habit you guys have just gotten into and both are too stubborn to be vulnerable enough to change your own choices, and compromise a bit..

 

And you BOTH have to be willing to make an effort to work on this... but the only effort you have power over is YOURS.. so try a "different" approach.. based on love, respect, and HONESTY. No drama, no comments, no provoking him trying to get him to see how you feel..just honestly communicate without manipulation, just truth, and then 'LIVE IT"..

 

AN EXAMPLE MIGHT BE:

 

If going to a hockey game of his is a miserable, "freezing" experience for you that is going to put you in a bad mood and build up expectations in you that you now want him to respond to.. well that is setting yourself up for an argument... next time, tell him as much as you love to see him play, you'll wait to see him after the game, and you'll make some dinner and he can come home to a nice, happy woman who is rested, and excited to see him and hear all about the game..instead of a tired, freezing, girl who is shaking and crying... right?

 

It seems he was cuddling with you when you got into bed after your shower.. was that not "good enough" for you, did you "expect" something more.. if so that's okay, but he doesn't know what's going on in your head... and I'm sure he can't imagine why you were crying after a hockey game... do you know why you were crying? Did he ask? Or he is afraid it might start a huge argument, and he thought just "holding you with love" might be HIS way of saying, it's okay, I love you. ???

 

Open up a more honest, non-dramatic way for you two to communicate and it will probably all work out.. anticipate certain scenarios that YOU know might make you uncomfortable and then make a choice to be honest with him, and always be kind, loving, LISTEN MORE than you speak at times.. and try to heal this with "understanding" and respect... If you love each other than it worth trying a "different approach" one that is less self defensive.. and try to remember "expectations not communicated lead to disappointments".

[caro33]

I think the other posters have been pretty spot on, but am posting myself just because.

 

darkpumpkin, it is maybe not constructive for me to admit this, but on reading your story I did actually identify more with your boyfriend than with you. Nothing from your story was an example of him doing something that you apologised for. Sorry if I have misunderstood though.

 

Maybe it's just the way you tell it, but it sounds like you might be able to enjoy your relationship more if you adjust your attitude, or more precisely, your expectations.

 

What I mean is, you are setting yourself up to be a martyr and then getting upset when he doesn't appreciate how much you put up with. It sounds like you are expecting him to know how you feel without you telling him. No insult to men in general, but people, and particularly men, aren't mindreaders. If you say things are fine and you go with the flow, he'll assume all is fine. He won't give you special rewards for putting yourself out so he can enjoy his hobbies, he'll just do his thing.

 

My advice to you is to start doing what YOU want. If you don't want to watch him play hockey then don't. If you're hungry then eat. He should not appreciate you less, he might even appreciate you more. I'm not saying to not support him, but I am saying that you should seriously ask yourself why you do certain things even if you know you won't enjoy them. Do not set yourself up to have a rotten time - you are putting all that control for your enjoyment in him hopefully being super-appreciative. It's then too bad if he's caught up in his own stuff and he doesn't notice...

[caro33]

What's been the gist of what you guys have been through in counselling by the way?

[DN]

darkpumpkin, it is maybe not constructive for me to admit this, but on reading your story I did actually identify more with your boyfriend than with you. Nothing from your story was an example of him doing something that you apologised for. Sorry if I have misunderstood though.

 

Maybe it's just the way you tell it, but it sounds like you might be able to enjoy your relationship more if you adjust your attitude, or more precisely, your expectations.

I have to agree with this. It is what I was trying to get at by suggesting that you look at this situation you described from his point of view.