i've been so stupid

[cant fix it]

Hi , I need any advice - good or bad. I have been so so so stupid. I got married last year to a wonderful man who gave me everything i ever wanted and has always been there for me. Of course we had our problems in our relationship but they were mostly caused by me depression and he was always there for me. I went out about 3 months ago without my husband and got chatting to this guy. I could not believe what a strong connection I felt to him and asked my friends who i was with if we could please leave as i was overwhelmed so we left the club but not before he had given me his number. As soon as i got in my car i sent him a text to say that i was sorry i had to leave but i didn't trust myself with him. From there we started texting each other and he kept asking to see me again. I refused for about a week and finally went to meet him from there we saw each other regularly and i left my husband before anything happened between us as i thought that would be the right thing to do. I only found out that he has a partner and child after a few meetings but by then i felt so hooked that i didn't care. my husband is now filing for divorce - today and i have fallen so deeply in love with this man that i dont see a way out. he is now ignoring me and treating me like sh*t but i cant help chasing him. i am so worried that my depression is going to return. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me and i still want to believe him. If nothing else i want his partner to know - why should he not suffer ? he's wrecked my life - please help.

[Princess777]

Wow, how awful... I am SO sorry!!!! *hugs*

 

OK let's see here. You didn't mention if you want to stay with your husband. I would suggest you figure that out first. If you do, forget the other jerk who has probably done this to many women (the dog has a woman and a kid, for God's sake - you'll never trust him again anyway) and concentrate on mending your marriage. It sounds to me like your marriage just needs a pick-me-up, and that you care for him but you are bored. Hence the going out without him. Personally my husband and I don't go out to bars without each other to avoid this exact problem. People are quick to say we're silly to have such a rule but it's not such a stupid virtue when something like this happens to others. It simply avoids putting yourself into the situation you found yourself in, and I think it is respectful to your partner not to go out without him. If you want to stay with your husband I would suggest you implement this into your marriage. If you were just leaving your husband to be with this other guy, but don't want to be alone, then maybe you need to do some soul searching. I have SO been where you are, emotionally!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can totally relate.

First things first, sit down and talk with your husband and be honest about your feelings. At this point you have nothing to lose, dear.... I feel for ya and I'm sorry this is happening to you. Don't waste another minute on the barfly though....he sounds like bad news to me. Big red flag on the cheating thing. You're worth more than that!!!!

Princess777

[reborn]

Hi Can´t fix it,

Well, it seems you have gotten your self into a real mess there. I don´t think anybody is evil at heart or bad, but sometimes we do end up things that cause much pain to others. I don´t want to add to your stress, but even though, you couldn´t help but be attracted to this third party, the fact that after having made a commitment to your hudsband you did this I think well....is not very nice( I won´t use a stronger word here). Just think if he would have done that to you? How would you have felt? But sorry, I know you are going through much anguish now and I don´t want to add to it by giving you a guilt trip. Depressed or not you are an adult. We all go through experiences in this life, and make mistakes that teach us a lesson particular to us, when we are ready to fully see what are actions have caused, and become better person from it. There are no good or bad actions or experiences, they are part of a growth process and are all a learning experience.

From how you describe your marriage, it seems that it was satisfactory, at least you didn´t cheat on your hudsband because you were not getting your needs met, were not in love, or where being mistreated. Perhaps you straighed for such reasons, but since you didn´t mention those, I assume it is as your story goes: One good day you met someone you were highly attracted to and fell hard for him and your hudsband just all of a sudden became a zero to the left. Again, nobody is evil or bad, however this type of action I am sure was extremely, extremely painful to your unsuspecting hudsband and perhaps selfish of you.

You mention telling your other guy´s partner about the affair he had with you, to balance out the pain a little. I would suggest against it. Because you are now suffering you want to cause extra pain on a woman that has nothing to do with this. Because believe me, the one that will carry the burden of most painful feeling will be her not him, if she even believes you. I understand you want to avenge this man who lied to you, but 1. you would be hurting an inocent by standard

2. You were married yourself, which gives you no moral authority for punishing this guy for having a partner (wether he chose told you about it or not).

3. This is just an extra, but if you are feeling this much pain for this guy having another, and not being completely honest and straight forward to you leading,you on- imagine how your hudsband must feel about you. And to him you were not some fling he met at bar, no, you were his wife of a year!

To be madly attracted to someone when you are already married to another and not being able to help falling in love, happens. It is unfortunate but it happens. It may be a sin, it may not be, but the fact is that this was something a bit out of your control, though you could have done something about it at the very onset as you attempted to, out of a feeling of loyalty (which you took a vow to keep a year ago): That caused much pain to you now for the way in which things turned out, and to your hudsband whether you are aware of it or not- the way you chose to act did.

However to on top of this you want to inflict and create extra pain. I think this will be to keep acting in selfish ways and incosiderate ways to others. This is mean, immature, and really allowing your self to succum to your lowest, basest feelings as a human being. Emotionally I think this is immoral and irresponsable.

You talk about your depression, if you are manic deppresive perhaps your actions were caused by the manic episode. If you are deppresed sesonably wether due to a chemical invalance or more emotional reasons, then I will go have my self checked. The situation you are going through at the present sounds highly emotionally stressful and could very well quick in a depressive episode.

More than being concerned about causing pain to your ex lover, which sounds more like the plan of angry teenager than a grown woman, you should be more concerned about you- about being able to achieve full stability and happiness in your life. Go to your psychiatrist and psycologist, investigate how your deppression or any other mental condition or psycological trauma may have driven you to so easyly sabotage the emotional stability which you previously had. That is if you were truly happy with your hudsband before meeting this other man, and that the affair and falling in love was more a result of uncontrolable attraction than to the compensation of something missing from your relationship.

Best of luck to you. Hope I wasn´t too harsh or off the mark. All comments where made with respect.

-Reborn

[reborn]

Sorry Can´t fix it, as if my posting was not long enough, forgot to add one more thing....

On the last line of your posting you said he ruined your life. Nobody ruins someone else´s life in a situation such as an affair or as this one. You are responsable for the choices you make in your own life, and where you choose to put your feelings. He could have told you that he loved you, he could have called you a million times, but nobody forced you to give him your number or for you to take his (can´t remember now what was it). Nobody forced you to fall for him.

I am not telling you this in a way to make you feel blamed. Simply to point to you the amount of power and control that you have over your life and what happens in it. You are victimizing your self by saying he ruined your life. He didn´t! You choose to act upon certain feelings you had, or attractions, or whatever.

You are not a victim. If you didn´t take control before, or where not aware you had it, take it now! Change your life around Can´t fix it.

Turn into CAN fix it.