Falling in love without meeting - possible?

[tiredofvampires]

I couldn't fall in love with Paris Hilton, although I never met her in person.

 

Thanks for the comic relief Daka, hahaha!

[tiredofvampires]

Oops, I meant DAKO!

[Batya33]

Thanks for your response. I am not sure why you are continuing to debate the same points over and over again. Please see my other posts because you continue to exxagerate what I wrote and misconstrue it. I am tired of repeating myself. Perhaps I will say again that yes, while you can learn relevant information from typing and talking that is also relevant to a romantic relationship - the huge downside makes it not worth it in my opinion - the huge downside being - raised unrealistic expectations that the first meeting is more than meeting a complete stranger for the first time, increased pressure caused by the perception that you've had "deep" or even deep conversations before meeting such that you make assumptions about romantic compatibility, etc.

 

I also said - and you misconstrued - more than once - that it takes several months of in person dating at least once a week to know whether you have the potential for long term compatibility in a romantic sense. Several months of typing and talking in contrast, gives you so little relevant information and comes with that huge downside.

 

Obviously there are exceptions - I am basing my opinions on hundreds of people i know, know of and on my own experiences, as well as lots of established authorities on the subject. You could be the one exception or the minority but with all due respect I think that has nothing to do with whether you have more depth than other people or whether you are an artist. The reason I don't think you would be an exception is - and this is just based on your typing - your mindset and the way you described your interactions with your on line "friend" revealed a neediness and a need to fall in love that would have a negative impact on how you interpreted the typing and talking. Just my humble opinion and of course just based on what you typed.

 

Honestly, I am stumped too as to how you meet someone in your situation. If you tell me there is no way you can move to a more populated area, or make that a goal to be achieved in the next few years, and you cannot travel to meet someone and see them in person consistently in person then, no, I don't know. what I will say is it sounds like some of this at least was your choice, perhaps based on a preference, based on your career - I don't know. We all make choices based on our priorities. Not everyone gets to have the career they want AND the relationship they want AND live where they want. I certainly have not had that fortune in my life.

 

So, yes, I am sure there are others who will have better advice than I do. And yes, I still don't see a typing and talking interaction as an alternative to meeting in person for a romantic relationship. I do see where that might be a positive activity for you - as long as you don't let yourself get attached as if it were a real romantic relationship - nothing wrong with having on line platonic friends -and rich platonic friendships - I certainly do and it enriches my life. I hope it enriches yours too.

 

I probably will not continue this "debate" because several posts back I asked a few times that we please agree to disagree and your responses have continued to exxagerate and twist my words. I don't like having that situation without (again) explaining myself. That is all I have been trying to do in these last posts - sort of clarify so that your mis-interpretation, whether intentional or otherwise, didn't stand. It was not meant to be "right." We have differing definitions of and perspectives on what a healthy romantic relationship entails and how to build one. That's cool with me. Good luck!

 

ps I do have to say if someone got angry at me for refusing to refer to him as a bf when we had never met in person I would block him immediately and do whatever it took to stop all contact. creepy stuff!

[tiredofvampires]

I probably will not continue this "debate" because several posts back I asked a few times that we please agree to disagree and your responses have continued to exxagerate and twist my words.

 

As I said in a couple of posts ago, I am fine with our laying any disagreements to rest. I have agreed with you more than disagreed, just continued to point out where the DISTINCTIONS lie. I do not appreciate this posture you are taking with me of an adversarial nature. I have merely been presenting my views as you post your ideas, with added nuances. I do not see this in accusatory framework, and have only been replying in kind to your statements as to how I see things, no more, no less. So please do not point fingers at me for being in some way aggressive and not "playing fair" (by twisting your words). This conversation has taken two to tango, and I respectfully acceded to certain of your points.

 

You said you were made uncomfortable with my tone, so I'd think you would be sensitive to tone here:

 

I am basing my opinions on hundreds of people i know, know of and on my own experiences, as well as lots of established authorities on the subject. You could be the one exception or the minority but with all due respect I think that has nothing to do with whether you have more depth than other people or whether you are an artist.

 

This is unprovoked and very subtly hostile towards me.

 

Please, let's agree that this provocative thread was equally shared. Handshake? I thank you for your very well-taken points and warnings.

 

I am happy to bow out at this point, as you have not been very compassionate or interested in the sorrow and dilemma I am in, and it seems you have your mind fixed in various ways about my problem knowing little of my circumstances and personality EVEN AFTER I have tried to present them accurately. It seems you are bent on blaming me in some form or fashion for the trouble I find myself and that is very discouraging.

 

As for the issue of him being mad about not calling him "bf" even though we hadn't met -- thank you for your input. I think it was that since we were exclusively interested in eachother all that while, and weren't seeking other dates, his question was "what do we call eachother" to our friends? If our feelings are strong enough to warrant exclusive interest, isn't it a semantic issue or a technicality that I don't call him a boyfriend? Though I felt I needed the in-person connection to cement that technicality, ALL my friends were already happily calling him my bf and after a while it seemed silly not to...so I saw his point. Even though it wasn't my cup of tea. He was not a creepy, stalker guy, so why block him? I knew he wasn't nuts, he just wanted a sign of commitment.

[Waiting4forever]

I think it's possible to fall in love without meeting in person first. I fell in love with Michelle online even though I had never seen a picture of her. We met about a month later(In 2004) and we connected immediately. So I think it's possible.

[Batya33]

I agree that it's possible to fall in love without meeting or at first sight. People have all sorts of feelings about people within seconds, within minutes, without ever meeting - love as a feeling then of course can be present in all sorts of circumstances. I do not think it is possible to base a decision about long term compatibility in a romantic relationship based just on typing or talking without meeting in person and dating in person over a period of time - likely a period of months in most cases. I think where people meet in person and click in person after talking for months, the talking for months may - may - have increased the initial comfort level but I think that the couple would have clicked just as well had they not talked for months before meeting. Often, I think the talking for months hampers the "click" because the initial meeting is fraught with unrealistic expectations and pressure on one or both sides.

 

Tiredofvampires - I am not going to apologize because I would just be saying - again - that I am sorry you continue to misinterpret what I am writing and for whatever reason have chosen to project all sorts of tones and attitudes on me that come from I really do not know where - but that's about you, anot me. While I have compassion for your predicament, I don't have any answers and I am sorry that upsets you - I simply have no experience with a person who in in your situation geographically who wants to meet a long term partner without having to travel to meet the person or without relocating. That sounds like it is not possible for you right now and I am sorry.

 

The only experience I have when it comes to romantic relationships is how to develop them in person. If I gave you advice on how to develop a romantic relationship on line I would have no idea where to start because to me a romantic relationship cannot develop through typing and talking where the couple would be able to see if there was strong potential for long term compatibility. Those who believe that that can happen through typing and talking only may be able to advise you.

 

As far as your reaction to your on line guy being angry about the "bf" status - that is where we differ - I would find it creepy. It's cool of course that you didn't.

 

I realize you come from a different perspective and as I've said, and I'll say again - that's totally cool. I'm sure it will work out great for you.

[tiredofvampires]

I, too, believe it is possible to fall in love with someone you've never met. Love, being that feeling of knowing a good deal about someone and having admiration, respect and sense of unity with them after getting to know a lot about their lives. This easily transfers from platonic to romantic when it is coupled with a felt sense of their passionate amorous side. This can develop over an extended period of time, through a variety of means, however limited (including knowing someone for 15 years of marriage, which sometimes turns up irreconcilable incompatibilities.) I do not really believe in "love at first sight", though there is "infatuation" at first sight; love comes from KNOWING a person.

 

This does not mean that this will ultimately make for a successful lasting union until it is "road tested" in person; that much I have agreed with from the beginning. But having a sense of romantic potential and love develop sight-unseen is possible. So I agree with this 100%:

 

I do not think it is possible to base a decision about long term compatibility in a romantic relationship based just on typing or talking without meeting in person and dating in person over a period of time - likely a period of months in most cases.

 

No, I do not think you can DECIDE that you are romantically compatible without meeting, but you can fall in love with the person you feel they are and hope that it aligns when the rest falls into place.

 

I never said that I can't travel -- I said I can't travel right away if I meet someone, so I have to use whatever else is at my disposal.

 

Thanks again for your well-wishes, Batya.

[tiredofvampires]

I think it's possible to fall in love without meeting in person first. I fell in love with Michelle online even though I had never seen a picture of her. We met about a month later(In 2004) and we connected immediately. So I think it's possible.

 

Thanks for this heartening personal testimony, Waiting. And without a picture! Wow! That takes faith.

[Batya33]

Thanks for your response. I disagree that the potential for romantic compatibility (other than perhaps whether a one night stand could work but to me that's just sex, not romantic compatibility) can be discerned without meeting in person. You can get some relevant information about whether you have things in common, whether the person is a good writer and speaker (if that is important to you, it is to me, very), and other information relevant to platonic friendship. You can also get relevant information concerning the "screen out" qualities - whether the person suffers from severe depression, only wants sex, has a hot temper, is overly negative, etc.

 

My advice for your situation which you are free to take or discard is, if you want a real life romantic relationship, is to focus on men where you can meet in person within a few weeks at most, and where, once you meet, it would be possible to see each other at least once every ten days for a date. If that is not possible (and I am a bit in the dark here - you don't have to share any details about your life, but understand that I am just accepting your view that you cannot travel right away and cannot relocate to a more populous area) then I don't think a long term romantic relationship is feasible right now but might be a goal you have for the future when perhaps things could change (whatever those things are, again, no need to share) and you could relocate.

[tiredofvampires]

Thank you for your advice.

 

But it may be YEARS until I can relocate, and in the meantime, I feel giving up is not an acceptable option.

[Batya33]

I don't see it as giving up. I see it as accepting your situation and all the advantages you have - I am speculating - you get to do your art, live in a beautiful area, have wonderful friends. I wouldn't see a typing/talking interaction as productive toward your goal, but you would so you should go for it if you do. People make huge compromises every day. My close friend has given up dating for the next 8 years because she is a single mother with young children. Another friend has greatly reduced her chances of finding a husband by choosing to have two children on her own. Those are just a few examples.

 

To me giving up would be where you had the opportunity to meet someone in person for a romantic relationship but chose instead to put up walls/fake obstacles/sabotaging behaviors so that that couldn't happen. You're saying that you cannot move for several years - if that is true, then why not celebrate the good stuff you do have? A romantic relationship is lovely and all but not essential. If it is essential to you, then if at all possible make the relocation happen faster, perhaps by making other sacrifices. Again, i am in the dark as to why you cannot relocate for years but I am sure it is an important reason.

[metalblade]

I think you can fall in love with who they tell you they are. But you never really know till you meet them in person. I can't stress enough!! find a SAFE place you two can meet IN PERSON. You can't read body language or gage mannerisms and such over the phone or online. They could be using a whole different persona on line and have a secret life you'll never find out about because they're often times hundreds or thousands of miles away (if they were closer, you'd have met them by now)

so you don't get a chance to meet their friends/family and such.

I have a friend who is talking to a girl online, they've NEVER met in person, yet they insist they're in a relationship and "love" eash other. She's moving out there to be with him, so the very first time they meet, they'll be MOVING IN TOGETHER!! holy smokes, man!! that, to me is a recipe for disaster.

I personally think he's jumping the gun and being foolish.

The net is a great place to meet people who share your interestes, but that's just it, to meet them initially, I believe that, in order to form any real bond, you must meet in person.

[ostego]

Is there anyone here who thinks you can really fall for someone without meeting them?

 

Or anyone whos experienced it before?

 

i think it's possible to fall into more of a state of "cyber-love" (yes.... an even geekier form of love!!) In my new creation, you don't feel actual love in your heart for the person, but you feel love for the person's internet image.

 

When we meet up with people from the internet they're very rarely the actual people you think you know on the internet, im not talking about 17 year old Kate being a 43 year old Doris, but more of a "funny, beautiful, interessting Kate" being a "rather slow, average looking Kate"

[SilverManic]

My personal opinion is that it will work if you both want it too. You need to meet offline to know if what you have is real. My husband and I knew eachother as online friends since I was 17 and he was almost 16. Back then I considered him as a friend and much to young for me! Well I finally met him and we fell in love and got married. We're now expecting our first baby. So yeah you can think you love a person but you need to know them offline to comfirm it. Thats my 0.2 c

[kyle2102]

Oh my god you so can. I met this guy online, we had not met and were totally in love with each other. He sent me a cd with love songs and The Lake House DVD about 2 people in love who had not met yet and a ring. I am now getting married. It is a wonderful thing if it is mutual. Love is all about fate and destiny (I believe) Destny brought us together and fate will hold us together. Love i always possible whether you have met or not. If 2 people are destined to be together they will be brought together at some stage and sometimes you just know.....Follow your heart

[melrich]

I am now getting married.

 

I assume you have now met him?

[veda999]

What if you knew the person many years ago, then met up online, had mutual friends, and continue online for months, but have not met since the early years. Pictures go back and forth, but no meeting. this is a shy guy

[Batya33]

I would suggest meeting up (in a friendly way not in a dating way - maybe even with the mutual friends) and see how he reacts.

[CloudNine]

Happened to me... From the very beginning... It wasn't about his profile or what he said in group chat but the energy and vibe he gave me, and the way I felt when he was around. I later found out he'd felt the same. Slowly we proceeded from getting to know each other, speaking every other day to eventually opening our hearts and becoming a daily part of each other's lives... To the point, where we always needed to comunicate with each other... It's been almost 5 years now or so, and I still can't get enough of him. Our love just seems to grow and grow, next step onto the next step.. We met for the first time last year and it was extraordinary... I had initially had the anxieties of "what if it's not the same in life as it is online", but I needn't have worried... The bliss of the heart, the joy and happiness, was amazing... I was home in his arms...

 

It doesn't happen for every connection from online to real life, just like everyday relationships don't always work, but I met mine online, and even while purely online, I loved him more than any man who had previously tried to stand in his place by my side.

[Hockey.Chick]

Well, it seems to be a very convtroversial topic here..can someone fall in love with someone else without meeting them? A lot of people seem to think not, but perhaps that is just because they either have never tried it, or tried it and it didn't work out. It's completely situational, however. But yes, it must be possible, because I met my better half online (not a dating site, actually through world of warcraft..don't make fun ) originally and we are very much in love, together now, and happy. I hadn't realized that I had never really been in "love" before, until him..so wow, that must be strong. Of course, with success stories, there is also the opposite end of the spectrum..stories of times like these that didn't work. In my case, we fell deeply in love before meeting up, and when we did meet, it was everything we dreamed it would be. It was perfect. But not all scenarios end this way. Sometimes the two find themselves too difficult to talk to in person, spend time with, or they find that the other person was faking it online/on the phone. What happened to me was that after chatting with him online, I grew to trust him and respect him immensely, and we gave eacother our phone numbers. It was after we started talking on the phone for a few weeks that we committed to a relationship and told eachother that we loved one another. From then on until we met, we talked on the phone everyday for hours on end, and would always go into periods of 10 minutes or so of saying nothing but our love for eachother. So yes, it is possible, but no, it doesn't always happen. I would stay hopeful though!! Meeting the person face to face is definitely imperative, but it is okay to wait a little bit for that if you are concerned about meeting. Remember, keep it safe the first time. I did, and it was just great! Maybe try talking on the phone before building up to the stage of finally meeting..hearing their voice is definitely an advancement.

[Batya33]

I agree that someone can fall in love without meeting them in person - I don't see what's controversial about that at all or why those who, like me, believe that those in love feelings need to be tested in person over time to see if the couple are compatible in a real life romantic relationship are thought to believe that falling in love without meeting is not possible.

[Aleadragonhawk]

But yes, it must be possible, because I met my better half online (not a dating site, actually through world of warcraft..don't make fun )

 

Here's the real question - Alliance or Horde?

 

I met my husband on a MUD. It's fun to tell people and watch them try to process it.

[amure]

Here's the real question - Alliance or Horde?

 

I met my husband on a MUD. It's fun to tell people and watch them try to process it.

 

 

horde tbh XD.

but yeah theres really no way of saying, you cant find love, or you can. it all comes down to the people involved. i was involved in a pretty bad relationship ay... pretty bad person... but it was still love when it lasted (it was online... we whre 2 months asway from meeting and it had been 10 months already

[JadedStar]

Is there anyone here who thinks you can really fall for someone without meeting them?

 

Or anyone whos experienced it before?

 

Yes, I think you can. You can fall in love with someone online.

 

Whether it translates to "real world" love is about a 50/50 percent chance. I think about half of the people who fall in love online are able to translate it into face to face as well.

 

It's a risk you take, just don't assume that it will be the same face to face. It might be great, but it might not.

[curiouslycurious]

sorry, removed my post and created a new topic.