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Falling in love without meeting - possible?


Red-Rose

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You fall in love with the IDEA of a person... who you build them up in your mind to be.

It doesnt matter if you spend hours on webcam every day, you cant ACTUALLY love someone without knowing them, how they interact with others, how they treat you in public...

 

i currently feel something like love towards a cyber friend and as much as i would not like to believe this, its probably true. But what about love/caring about someone you have never met?

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i currently feel something like love towards a cyber friend and as much as i would not like to believe this, its probably true. But what about love/caring about someone you have never met?

 

You can still care for people... but there is such a huge difference when you meet them online... you can censor yourself online, but not in real life...

 

My ex met a girl through WoW... everyone loved her (all our mutual friends played online with her)... but they met her in real life, and now they all think she's really weird and they dont like her...

 

I think Batya is %100 right... its a selfish, nasty kind of relationship... even the ex said he was only with her becuase it was easy... he can just turn off the computer and he doesnt have to deal with her...

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While I think that online relationships can be unhealthy and unrealistic, I think that it is unfair to paint all of these relationships with the same brush. I enjoyed an eight month long relationship where we lived three thousand miles apart. This was a devoted, committed relationship that was based in reality. The way we both looked at it was that we had a real relationship - we just used the internet as our primary means of communication.

 

I'm not arguing that all internet relationships are healthy, or that they are all valid. However, I do believe that it is unfair to assume that every relationship has the flaws that are being discussed on these boards. Each relationship is unique, and how that relationship is handled depends on the people in it. I think that the fantasies inspired by many online relationships are also very present in real life. Remember the friend who keeps going on about how wonderful her new boyfriend is, and two months later he turns out to be a complete creep?

 

I, personally, fell in love with my fiancee long before I met him face to face. Our relationship progressed very naturally from the internet into the real world. We're quite happy together now, and have both made the observation that being together is not much different at all from being apart. The only real difference is being able to touch him. Who he is did not fundamentally change because of physical presense.

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I think that in cases where the couple who first interacted through on line, is romantically compatible in person, it has little to nothing to do with the previous time spent typing and talking. It might make things seem more familiar/comfortable (or it might be the extreme opposite based on the image you created). I think in person is far more than just "physical presense" - it has to do with vibes, energy, body language, real life interactions and real life situations that are much "safer" on the internet because you always know you can shut off the computer and never have to face the person "in person."

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Im not saying all online relationships turn out so that one partner is BAD... but you CAN NOT judge wheather you are compatible with someone until you have seen how he reacts when someone cuts him off, or his meal is messed up at a resturant, or he drops a glass when stressed...

 

You dont know how he acts when he is stressed and wants to be left alone, but you want cuddles...

You can not know any of that until you are with him physically...

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You can know how someone behaves under stress, or when things go wrong in their life, through the internet. You can to a lesser extent see how they behave with others. Just because the option of turning off the computer is there doesn't mean that people use it as avoidance. In real life, the door is always there to just walk out of. I think that you can learn far more about a person through the internet than most assume, if both approach the relationship honestly and seek that intimacy.

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You can know how someone behaves under stress, or when things go wrong in their life, through the internet. You can to a lesser extent see how they behave with others. Just because the option of turning off the computer is there doesn't mean that people use it as avoidance. In real life, the door is always there to just walk out of. I think that you can learn far more about a person through the internet than most assume, if both approach the relationship honestly and seek that intimacy.

 

that being the problem...

 

anyways, you cant see how someone reacts under stress over hte internet...

IF he does have anger problems, you arent going to see that flash in his eyes, are you? No one is going to tell you how nasty they were to the waitress that forgot their cup of coffee.

the internet gives you the chance to censor yourself.

you cant do that to the same degree in real life.

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So redrose, what happened?

 

Did he go into NC?

 

I'm just wondering.

 

Why can you not tell him the lie? If you told him, perhaps it would help him either

a) get over you

b) resolve your inner conflict/guilt and release it from you.

Also I feel that you don't really approve of yourself? You don't feel you deserve happiness. We all get a little scared of feelings.....first its like a euphoric drug....a high....a shot of "good feelings" and then when it gets more serious, we can get a little panicky - feeling out of our depth....

Is this what happened inside you? Would your lie be so great as to make his love turn to hate? Or would your lie be as a result of your insecurity - your feeling that you don't deserve?

 

I do know you can feel something for someone online. Although I always insisted on meeting them at least 8 weeks into the online correspondence so I could at least see their smile, expressions and experience the way they walk, smell, eye contact etc.,

 

Let us know how its all going - when you are ready.

 

I know some people here may judge you on ENA if you admit it here - but it may help you feel better....to share it......

 

You are here - because you feel bad about the whole relationship- not because you are into breaking someone's heart as some people have suggested. It is good to hear other points of view - good and bad so we see other sides of ourselves we perhaps hide, even to ourselves.

 

Hope to hear from you soon Redrose.

 

Goldfish6888

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From reading her posts, my interpretation is she enjoyed the attention he gave her and enjoyed the drama of misleading him and leading him on, then posting here about the "blow by blow." She might also feel badly but more because by ending it she doesn't get to be the center of attention and have all this "drama" in her life. Not because she cares about him - if she did she never would have let this drag on to this point and degree.

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That is true but even if the person tried very hard and with the best of intentions to be "real" on line, there are so many factors in a compatible romantic relationship (as oppposed to a friendship) that only surface in real life in person interaction that the information from on -line is extremely limited even though often the people involved feel a romantic connection.

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You can know how someone behaves under stress, or when things go wrong in their life, through the internet. You can to a lesser extent see how they behave with others. Just because the option of turning off the computer is there doesn't mean that people use it as avoidance. In real life, the door is always there to just walk out of. I think that you can learn far more about a person through the internet than most assume, if both approach the relationship honestly and seek that intimacy.

 

That is a viewpoint I've never read on there before...and it makes total sense. I wish I can find out more about my "internet bf" but it's hard over the internet. How do I learn more about him or see find out what he is not showing me? I don't know, my reality has been sooo fazed ever since I got into an internet relationship. We are meeting soon (different countries). Boy do I hope it works out...gosh, sometimes this whole thing feels like a nightmare and I can't wake up! Gosh, I feel like I'm on a virtual tv show.

 

I always wonder what the bad things will be when we actually meet. Will it be good, or not as good as I thought...or just right...

Currently, with him, on the phone it feels right..u know that feeling?? I know people can censor themselves but, I'm sure we all censor ourselves a bit in real life too. I guess in all relationships we have no choice but to 'go with the flow'. going with the flow is healthy.

 

ok, I felt like venting..excuse me.

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Does he admit his shortcomings or brag about himself?

Are modesty and humility in his vocabulary?

When he describes a rough day at work, is he always the hero, victim or kingpin of the organization?

Does he respond to your emails promptly and courteously?

Is he consistent in his stories and facts?

Are his past relationships disasters?

 

I'd consider thse things a clue to his character.

 

Sure, he can fudge these things, but over a period of time it's harder to keep up an act.

I hope he's all you hope for.

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I agree with Dako and also believe that by attempting a relationship through just typing and talking you are missing out on essential and voluminous non-verbal cues that can only be seen, evaluated and felt when you know someone in person and consistently over a period of time - not just on a vacation. At the very least, meeting in person a few times will give you far far more information that is relevant to romantic compatibility than you could ever hope to get by typing and talking. Not necesarily bad or good - sometimes it's just right or not right. And it makes it even harder when you've altered the reality of in person interactions by first typing and talking and having this image of who he is.

 

It's why I've never done it other than once - we typed, talked, IMd for over a month on and off before meeting (our schedules were too hectic) - the first 5 weeks were awesome - we clicked right away, the next 3 weeks not so awesome and then I saw his psychological disorder firsthand and ended things (it was severe enough to be a dealbreaker and I hadn't seen that side of him before). I would have never known about it through typing and talking. I probably could have known about the disorder 5 weeks earlier if I had asked the right questions but I was smitten. . .

 

Obviously we all take risks - that I would never interact with someone as you did prior to meeting in person (for purposes of a romantic relationship - if this was just a platonic friend then sure no worries in just typing and talking) doesn't make it wrong - it may work out very nicely for you. but you are very wise to question what you will learn in person despite the typing and talking.

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It's why I've never done it other than once - we typed, talked, IMd for over a month on and off before meeting (our schedules were too hectic) - the first 5 weeks were awesome - we clicked right away, the next 3 weeks not so awesome and then I saw his psychological disorder firsthand and ended things (it was severe enough to be a dealbreaker and I hadn't seen that side of him before).

 

Just wondering what psychological disorder he had? (only if you're comfortable sharing this info)

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Sorry, I'm not. As I mentioned, if I had listened more closely or asked the right questions, I would have known sooner (probably after three weeks of dating) but I was smitten and caught up in that. It was the one time virtually all of my friends and family (save one friend) agreed that I should run away and run fast.

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