Falling in love without meeting - possible?

[Dako]

They could send you a tee shirt.

[melrich]

umm.. so what happened? these topics never have conclusions on this site

 

Here's one for you,

 

You cannot fall in love with someone you have never met in real life except when you do fall in love with someone you have never met in real life.

 

There.....thank god we solved that one.

[notsomuch]

I've been in a very similar situation. I'd lied about my name (Honestly, I don't know why, I think it's something to do with my mistrustfulness of the internet, or just some way of disconnecting with myself). could you tell me in a pm what exactly you lied about? It'd hard to give advice without knowing!

 

Quite frankly, this relationship isn't going anywhere with you lying. It's causing you alot of pain and anguish, and effecting your mental health.

Please tell the poor boy, if not only for him, for yourself.

When I told 'my guy' he was quite rightly mortified. He forgave me, but the important part is that even if he didn't, I wouldn't have taken it back. Once I told him as upsetting as it was, it was so relieveing to be telling the truth again.

 

I think you have to ask the question about why you lied. Thats what the real issue is here.

[Bethany]

I'm going to be harsh here and say....If he really is that special, doesn't he deserve better than a liar with no guts? Think about it and do the right thing, for his sake.

 

Best advice I can give you is ...Just copy and paste a prepared message to him so you get to put your point accross properly, take a deep breath and press SEND and do it soon.

[Red-Rose]

thanks for the responses and the interest. i apologise for not updating this for a while

 

ok today something happened, and i deleted my myspace account. It was a big deal because i had nearly 400 friends, 4 pages of photos etc, and made some very very special friends on there.

 

i was talking to the guy in question (the guy who this whole thread surrounds) on msn. and i was feeling really sad and down cos i know im going to break his heart and theres nothing i can do.

well eventually some stuff was said (not bad stuff, some upsetting emotional stuff, like he cant live without me etc) and i just said 'im sorry for everything and i love you' and signed out.

He quickly sent me a txt message saying he was confused and on the verge of a breakdown and wanted to know if i still wanted him. i didnt reply.

an hour or so later he sends me another txt saying as a friend, he wants to make sure im ok cos hes very very worried about me. still, i didnt reply.

Then he sent me a txt message 2hrs after that saying he was desperate for me to get in touch cos he was worried sick i was going to do something stupid (i was in a depressed mood) and that his heart was breaking cos he didnt know whether i still loved him/wanted him. i havent replied.

 

hes also tried phoning me 3 times, all of which i rejected straight away.

 

i was crying my eyes out earlier when i first signed out and it all began, and ive also drank a bit of alcohol. but im just wanting some encouragement i spose to keep this going, cos its so hard.

Im so tempted to txt him back and say that i do still care about him and not to worry. but that'll just make things worse, right?

 

God, i dunno.

[Batya33]

Sounds like it's all about you - you enjoyed the attention from this stranger, apparently got pleasure out of toying with him, knowing the whole time that for whatever reason you couldn't meet him - and then, to increase the drama (and your pleasure?) you do this grand gesture of deleting your account and blowing him off. People move towards pleasure and away from pain, so I can only assume you got pleasure out of doing this to him.

 

Luckily, I didn't run into too many disappearing acts when I did on line dating but that was because I wouldn't communicate on line more than a few emails before talking on the phone and meeting in person ASAP - one significant reason was to screen out those like yourself who subject others to their instability and thirst for drama.

 

Unfortunately, some people only experience people like you on line and then get turned off completely and believe that everyone is like that. It's a shame.

 

What should you do? Sign back on, tell him you lied to him, apologize for lying and wish him well. Of course you should have done this a very long time ago - before he got attached, but if you truly feel some remorse for the chaos you created for someone who didn't deserve it, you can do that much.

 

Then I would run, not walk to a good therapist and find out why you are so desperate for attention that you would pull something like this.

 

Good luck.

[Daddy Bear]

Only people who have fallen in love without meeting in person can answer the OP question. The rest can talk all they want, but they're only guessing.

 

Sure, you can fall OUT of love with someone on meeting if they reek, or have two heads, or something disagreeable like that - just as you could after finding out that your spouse of many years has been cheating on you - but that's not the same as saying it's all a fantasy. I think I know what love is at the age of 44!

 

Now, whether I would actually recommend a LDR to the average person is another story. They're not for the skeptical, the bitter or the faint of heart. However, if two correspond long enough to know each well, and neither misrepresents s/he really is, the odds are very favorable that the love that forms will continue upon meeting in person.

 

Which brings me to this question for Red-Rose... what was that lie you were talking about?

[Batya33]

I don't believe the love feelings that you have for someone you've never met in person - particularly where, here, she apparently lied about something material - is based on reality. And, most people agree that you can't make any kind of commitment sight unseen which lends to the fantasy part of it - it's safe to "love" based on typing and talking because you have a much bigger escape hatch then if you love in person and have a commitment.

[Daddy Bear]

Everything is based on perception. One person can never completely know another. Is there, then, no such thing as love?

[Batya33]

That is true - and a well-known sentiment. When it comes to romantic love I do not believe two people can know whether those romantic love feelings have any basis in reality unless they spend consistent in person time together. Obviously there will always be a certain extent that is based on perception - but without the perception that comes from your eyes and body language and body energy/vibes I don't think it is possible to know whether those romantic love feelings are based on the person or based on the image of the person from typing and talking. That is why when I first contacted someone on line, I met in person asap so that I would not form an attachment to typing and talking to that person and not waste time on my image of them from typing and talking.

 

I am responding from a practical perspective based on those who want to find a romantic relationship through on line introductions - not from your perspective which seems to be more based in broad-based musing about the definition of love.

[annie24]

red-rose, what is it that you are hiding that is so bad, that he would never understand? sounds like he cares, why not tell him what is really going on?

[Daddy Bear]

"Energy/body vibes"?? Nonsensical psychobabble. Love comes not from any mythical 'aura', nor from the knowledge that one brushes his teeth regularly or leaves generous tips at a restaurant. I know dozens of people who meet those latter criteria, and I'm not in love with them. True, altruistic love comes from perceiving what lies in a person's soul; and one extremely effective way to gain admittance to that sacred area is a protracted period of intimate communication, whatever form that may take.

 

And for your information, my perspective is based on first-hand experience, thank you very much. I KNOW what you can only theorize about.

[Batya33]

Let's agree to disagree - I would advise someone to meet in person ASAP someone they were introduced to on line and advise that a romantic relationship cannot be based on typing and talking with someone you've never met in person or spent consistent in person time with. People can have loving feeling at first sight, at second sight, for chocolate ice cream, for a celebrity or for a person they just type and talk to - but if they want a lasting romantic relationship I would strongly advise against interacting only through typing and talking. You can have your opinion of course. Good luck with your approach!

[Daddy Bear]

I agree that we disagree. My approach is to let people do what they want.

 

Thanks for the well wishes; I'm sure they're sincere.

[Bethany]

I'm with Batya. What you have done is underhand, cruel and if you haven't even got the guts to admit to your lie and would treat someone who cares and who is obviously worried sick about you that way, you should see a therapist. I can't see that ANY lie would hurt more than what you have already done. I feel for him and he certainly deserves better.

[Red-Rose]

Ok since i last posted, this has happened:

 

He begged me via txt to go online to just talk things through.

i said no at first, but thought its the least he deserved.

I went online at about 2:30, and didnt come offline til about 7am in the morning.

 

Both of us were crying our eyes out. Also, pretty weird. but it was a moment of weakness. he told me he saw me having his children. and he said he'd marry me tomorrow. thats how much he loves me. without touching or seeing me, he'd seriously marry me tomorrow. then all of a sudden, he said 'marry me' i was absolutely gobsmacked and said 'what' and he said it again, and said he was serious. I didnt know what to put back, so i just sat and thought what ive done to him. then he put 'doesnt matter, sorry. hehe that was silly'

 

I got about 3hrs sleep. he got none. i woke up to a long email in my inbox about how he planned to spend his life with me, loved me, and how he'll never get over me, and if he meets other women, he'll instantly compare them to me and ill always be the best he ever 'had'.

And he also sent me a video. he started off by saying i should give our 'relationship' a chance, and then he began singing with his guitar, a song he wrote about me.

 

we've had a chat since then too, and we seemed ok. just as friends nothing intimate or hurtful was said. and then he said our little chat truly made him a bit happier. and that he wanted my friendship at least.

But after we went offline. we've txted through the day, and when it came to about 8-9pm, he told me he was drinking red wine and chilling out thinking about me. he kept saying he was tipsy and sorry and that he wanted me etc.

 

Then he sent me quite a nasty txt saying i treat him like something id wipe off my shoe. understandably he would send that. I was ok with that. hurt me, but thats the least i deserve off him. So thats that.

 

Then he sent another saying he was sorry for saying that, and that he loved me and thinks hes having a breakdown and is gonna see the doctor tomorrow.

and also put 'if you dont wanna talk to me ever again i understand! it will kill me, or ill kill me!'

 

I sent him a msg, he didnt reply. Ive just sent another saying 'are you ok?' and he still hasnt replied.

 

Time really is a great healer ive told him that. But i dunno what hes capable of. Cos i dont know him personally.

 

I do care for him. so damn much.

[Batya33]

if you care for him why are you lying to him and leading him on? You seem to be getting a lot of pleasure from all this attention and flattery despite his being hurt by your deception and mixed messages. How does that amount to your "caring" about him. Seems like a strange/tortured definition of "caring." Well, there's always karma - perhaps someone some day will "care" for you in just the same way.

[annie24]

It sounds like both of you are really into drama, not reality. either come clean, or just forget about it, why keep making things sound like they are so solemn and dramatic, like it is the end of the world?

[Daddy Bear]

if you care for him why are you lying to him and leading him on?

I wonder this, too. You owe it to him to do the right thing and admit your deception so the poor guy can start to heal from the damage you're causing.

 

Everybody makes mistakes - you'll sleep better once you rectify yours. I hope that happens before this situation leads to terrible tragedy.

[Batya33]

Well, doesn't seem like much of a mistake to me - if you read her posts she lied to him (apparently not by mistake), kept leading him to believe she was interested in a relationship (not a mistake, intentional) and at this point she is not making a mistake - she intends to lead him on for her own selfish purposes. She should stop now, of course but I wouldn't call any of this behavior an unintentional "mistake."

[desert_rose26]

nah, not true love.

[Suladan]

I certainly think you can develope a very strong connection with someone without meeting in person, but you need to have actually met in person to truly be in love.

[desert_rose26]

I certainly think you can develope a very strong connection with someone without meeting in person, but you need to have actually met in person to truly be in love.

 

I completely agree.

[CMR87]

I think that if two people hit it off right online, and have a lot in common, they can fall in love without meeting. However, it's a different kind of love than when you meet for the first time.

 

I know, cause I've been there. I knew I loved my girl before the first time we met, but when we did meet, it turned into a different kind of love...one that I felt was much stronger.

[EvaGina]

You fall in love with the IDEA of a person... who you build them up in your mind to be.

It doesnt matter if you spend hours on webcam every day, you cant ACTUALLY love someone without knowing them, how they interact with others, how they treat you in public...