Falling in love without meeting - possible?

[Red-Rose]

Is there anyone here who thinks you can really fall for someone without meeting them?

 

Or anyone whos experienced it before?

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. I don't think that it is possible. On the internet, so many people lie about who they are and what they do. You really can't know if you have that real life chemistry until you have met and gotten to know each other for a few months. I have seen many instances where someone thought they were in love, only to find out that the other person had a big secret they were hiding.

 

I think it's important to meet in real life as soon as possible, to see if there is anything there.

[Batya33]

I think you can have feelings of love for someone you have never met and can have feelings of romantic love for someone you have never met in person. I think those feelings tell you nothing about whether you will have any of those feelings if you meet in person and I think those feelings have nothing to do with whether you will be compatible for a romantic long term relationship in person.

 

Not just because of looks - that is only one of many factors - but because of all the myriad of material and important things you can never know about a person just through typing and talking and webcam - body language, presense, energy, manners, vibes, and how he is in daily life in person. You fall in love "on line" with the image and vision of the person as he is through typing and talking - very little relevance to daily life.

 

For those who then meet and fall in love, I think that is simply because that would have happened in the first place had they met in person and in some cases it is because one or both of the people want so badly to believe it is true love in person (because of loneliness, insecurities, etc) that they go with it. I've seen many of these relationships burn out quickly even after years of being in love "on line."

 

Some of the information you learn from typing and talking is very relevant and can make it easier when you meet in person. It also can make it much much harder because if you get your expectations up that it will be "love" in person, the situation when you meet can be very stressful, full of unrealistic expectations and make it hard to treat the other person as if you are just getting to know the person.

 

I have met over 100 men in person through on line dating sites. I rarely spoke with them enough before meeting to form any attachment. About 5 or 6 times I did feel a strong "spark" before meeting. The spark was there in person for less than half of those cases because of the specific things you cannot tell from typing and talking - in one case, the guy had terrible posture and mumbled his words -- we had nothing to say to each other despite talking for several hours over the last few weeks -- the other took up most of my side of the small table by leaning in to me and in general seemed "off" in person (very well spoken on the phone), etc.

 

In only one case it had to do with looks - he lied to me about the fact that half of his face and mouth was horribly paralyzed, scarred all the way down to his neck. The picture was not a clear one. For me, that was a dealbreaker.

 

 

When it comes to platonic friendships I think you can have real loving feelings for someone and really care about their well being. Interestingly, there are times I have met women in person who I only knew from on line and we did not "click" in person as friends.

[quietgrl]

I think what you just disscribe happens all the time online.

[88cookie]

ive met 2 girls online who we got off real well and talked like every day for maybe a week or two and then decided to meet because i thought we could be very well together. the first girl i dated a few times only to not want to persue a relationship because i was unsure of her feelings and i personally felt as if she was a lost sister to me cuz we hung out too well. the second girl i got to meet on new yr eve and we have been talking ever since and we really like eachother.

 

the problem is that love is such a tough word, i really really like her, i wouldnt say love. that takes time with emotional and physical bonding, u cant just love someone overnite

[Hubbys_glitter_is_gold]

Yea it does. Im a witness to that. I met my now b/f of 5 years online in a yahoo chatroom, we hit it off and after about 2 years i fell in love with him, well his personality, a year after that started talking on the phone then a year after that we saw each other which was last June, I love him more than ever now, and this month makes 5 years for us in a LDR. My whole world revolves around the love of my life and we're getting engaged(hopefully) this summer.

[Red-Rose]

Heres the reason why i started this topic:

 

I met someone on myspace around October/November 2006. It started off as the odd comment asking how each others day was etc. then he sent me a couple of private messages. after a couple of weeks, i asked him for his msn. and he said he'd been wanting to get mine for a while but hesitated cos he didnt want me thinking he was just the same as the rest of the guys who sent me messages.

Anyway, i added him, and we spoke a couple of times, for an hour or so. I wasnt particularly too interested in him at the time, but i was polite and we had good conversations. One night we spoke. The conversation was fantastic. never stuck for things to say. we related to each other. understood one another and had loads in common. before we knew it, it was 6am the next morning!!!

 

He writes and records songs for a record label (i dont know loads about his work cos i havent taken a huge interest in that department yet, as in asking questions etc. But he tells me about it, and ive heard loads of his songs). Hes also wrote loads and loads of songs about me since we met.

Every single night (and i mean, every single night) we've spoke on msn. our usual time is 12:30am til about 3-4am in the morning. 4 months on and were VERY VERY comfortable with each other. we know each other very well and get along so much. theres a massive massive spark there.

Ive missed loads out, but basically. he told me before Christmas that he was falling for me. and then, he told me he loved me.

 

He got my number just after new years i think, and we've txted every single day since then. about 15 txts a day i get off him. telling me hes thinking about me and what hes doing, and hes interested in what im upto etc.

its like were in a proper relationship, yet we havent met yet.

 

he tells me hes never felt this way about anyone before. and i KNOW i have feelings of love for him. i absolutely adore him as much as he adores me. Im constantly thinking about him, and hes always thinking about me too

 

But...we will NEVER meet. theres something stopping us on my part. and i cant go into it. but it'll crush him if i say we'll never meet.

I know in the end its gonna break both our hearts cos i dont wanna live without him. but theres no way we'll be together.

 

also, i get sad if i think about him with some other girl. and i get knots in my stomach, feel sick etc. he makes me smile, and ive cried myself to sleep cos i wanted him and he wasnt there. He gives me goosebumps just with the things he says. and he said that the other day when he saw a photo of me hugging another guy, he started shaking and all of a sudden felt sad.

he was devastated and jealous that it wasnt him.

 

I dont wanna hurt him, obviously. But its gonna happen, and i cant bring myself to do it yet. Ive thought loads of times to just block him on msn and not reply to his txts. But i feel sick at the thought of not having daily contact with him.

I do love him

 

Help please

and i know im a horrible person. it makes me depressed to think were both gonna get heartbroken.

[Hubbys_glitter_is_gold]

you may meet one day.. I never thought id meet my b/f either. I had no plans on furthering this Net relationship until one day he decided he was going to drive 10 hours from Florida to S. Carolina to meet me and he came the day before my birthday..June 21(b-day is june 22)...After that everything has been moving forward..Everything we do in our life or plan, we do it for the benefit of our lives together..LIke i said, ours has worked out so good were discussing marriage...

Thats how we started out also but it was on Yahoo...

[Dako]

You should gather some courage and meet the guy if at all possible.

Torturing him is cruel.

 

If your reason to not meet is the usual one, level with him and let this guy find someone single.

[Batya33]

It's very easy, safe and convenient to proclaim your love for someone you know you would never meet in person. You get to enjoy the fantasy of feeling "in love" with the image of his on line persona, you get all the benefits of a relationship without any of the work (because you know you don't have to deal with him face to face, you always know you can shut off the computer, the phone, etc and not have to deal with him) and you get to be lavished with all this attention and with all these love songs without having to truly give of yourself in the way people do in an in person relationship and without having to risk being hurt because by keeping the computer and the phone between you you can avoid getting too close.

 

You can type and talk for hours and hours -- gives you a good excuse not to be out there meeting and dealing with people in person.

 

I call that infatuation, fantasy, manipulative to a degree, self-deception. I do not call that real love. Just my humble opinion.

[happywithu]

in my opinion, yes it is possible. i "met" my partner when he dialed a wrong number and got talking to me,that night we spoke for over four hours.at the end of the convo i told im he had my number if he ever wanted a chat again.the day after he called and somthing just clicked.we could talk for hours about anything and everything.after four months of chatting on the phone we swapped pictures, i had feelings for him long before i knew what he looked like.a soon after we met and spent a weekend together,at the end of that weekend a year long long distance relationship followed,then i moved to be with him,we now live together and have been together for years!

[annie24]

But...we will NEVER meet. theres something stopping us on my part. and i cant go into it. but it'll crush him if i say we'll never meet.

I know in the end its gonna break both our hearts cos i dont wanna live without him. but theres no way we'll be together.

 

I am curious, what is the reason that you can "never meet in person?" I agree with the others, go for it and meet and see if there is anything there.

[Batya33]

To me the relevant question is not whether two people can fall for each other on line but whether someone would be willing, based on those "in love" feelings and months of typing and talking, to agree to get engaged and move in with the person prior to meeting in person. My guess is, other than for an arranged marriage or marriage of convenience, no stable person would make that kind of a commitment despite claiming to be "in love" but a stable person might do so after months of dating in person. Obviously there is importance placed on meeting and getting to know each other in person prior to making a commmitment despite feeling so "in love."

[melrich]

I think you can fall in love with the on line person but it does not necessarily mean you will love the real life person.

 

I mean love is so indefinable anyway, who is to say what your feelings and emotions actually are. But what I think you have to understand is that you can only be in love with that part of him/her. There is a whole other part that you have no knowledge of...the physical being and all that that entails.

 

But there are plenty of examples of people falling in love with a part of another person.

[Red-Rose]

To me the relevant question is not whether two people can fall for each other on line but whether someone would be willing, based on those "in love" feelings and months of typing and talking, to agree to get engaged and move in with the person prior to meeting in person. My guess is, other than for an arranged marriage or marriage of convenience, no stable person would make that kind of a commitment despite claiming to be "in love" but a stable person might do so after months of dating in person. Obviously there is importance placed on meeting and getting to know each other in person prior to making a commmitment despite feeling so "in love."

 

well he did say to me the other night "you do know that when we meet, ill want to be in a relationship with you"

 

This guy tells me he's never loved anyone like this before.

After thinking about it, maybe its the whole mystery/infatutation thing that makes him so determind he wants to be with me. But i do actually believe he loves me in some respect.

 

Hes also said im the kind of person a guy wants to spend the rest of there lives with, including him

[annie24]

well, the thing is, I think he might be in love with a fantasy of who you are in his head. it could be that his perception of you is reality. but, I think it is also possible he is "filling in the gaps" of who he thinks you are, and if his vision of you and the real you aren't the same, he may not want a relationship with you, afterall. I hope that made sense!

 

for example, imagine that you meet online and he is so handsome, but then when you talk on the phone, he has a really high pitched, whiny voice! ewww! or, if you meet in person, and he is as handsome as his photo, but he has terrible body odor and bad breath and chews with his mouth open. you could be less attracted too...

[Batya33]

well he did say to me the other night "you do know that when we meet, ill want to be in a relationship with you"

 

This guy tells me he's never loved anyone like this before.

After thinking about it, maybe its the whole mystery/infatutation thing that makes him so determind he wants to be with me. But i do actually believe he loves me in some respect.

 

Hes also said im the kind of person a guy wants to spend the rest of there lives with, including him

 

Watch the feet, not the lips- what he does, not what he says - what he is saying is very sweet of course but has no basis in reality because for all practical purposes, he is a total stranger and so far, he doesn't need to back up what he says with action because you are refusing to meet him. I am not saying he is lying but even if he is being 100% honest all he is telling you is that this is how he feels based on the image he has of you from typing and talking. Even if he did say something definitive as in asking you to be his girlfriend he would be asking that based on his image of you from on-line and knowing in reality that you two probably will never meet.

 

My suggestion - spend this time differently - go on an on line dating site and meet someone in person ASAP or do social or volunteer activities so that you can interact in real life. If the reason you can't meet him has to do with a lie you have told him about you, or that you are dating someone else, please do the right thing and cut off contact with him so he can find someone to have a real relationship with.

[Dako]

If these people will never meet, as the OP clearly states is true, then it doesn't appear anything will come of this.

Seems a shame to lead the guy on.

[sleex]

i fell in love with someone i met online. I live in Toronto and he lived in Norfolk, Virginia. He came to visit me once, and I planned to go visit him but we ended up breaking it off. He contacted me 2 months later wanting to get "back together" but then it ended again. Now we dont even speak. It's been about 3 years since I last talked to him, but I think about him on a daily basis. Wondering how he's doing

[Red-Rose]

I agree with everything you've all said so far.

I know its not 'normal' or seen as normal, but we are very attached to each other. txting every hour or so every single day. hes wrote songs about me. hes told me he just knows we'll have a great relationship because im such a beautiful person inside and out.

Ive seen videos of him, and loads of photos. no squeaky voice

 

He is now interested in meeting me properly though. so i dont think its like a fantasy/infatuation hes got with me. having the emotional feelings of love yet not the psychical time giving part of having a partner.

Because he asked if i would be interested in doing something for valentines day, maybe dinner, go to a bar and chat. that sorta stuff. i said id think about it. but its too late now cos he needed notice so he could get time off work.

 

hes also mentioned buying me stuff, but ive managed to stop him from doing that.

 

I panic at the thought of not having daily contact with him.

Yet i have a voice inside my head telling me i need to put him out of his misery.

 

Hes VERY attached to me already, as i am with him.

and i know for a fact that when i do eventually decide to end contact with him, he'll be absolutely devastated.

 

Ive been sad about him before over a couple of reasons, and ive turned to booze and crying myself to sleep. i know it sounds ridiculous to be like that with a guy i only know online, but i cant help how i feel about things.

when he thought i was with someone else (he saw a photo of me sat on a guys lap, and i wasnt wearing much clothing! but the guy was only a friend) and he went all sad on me, and he certainly wasnt putting it on. i know him well.

he said he suddenly felt sad for some reason, but didnt say it was down to me. til i eventually made him tell me if it was.

he said he felt all sad all of a sudden thinking i was with someone else

 

grrr this is so messy!

i feel awful about it, i really do.

 

yet, i have feelings for him.

but i CANNOT meet him. I know its strange im saying that and not giving a reason. but its down to a lie ive told him.

[annie24]

but i CANNOT meet him. I know its strange im saying that and not giving a reason. but its down to a lie ive told him.

 

ok, now you have me curious! I am totally wondering what this 'lie' is. You don't have to tell us what it is (but it may help is in giving you advice). maybe it is something that he would be understanding of? Like if you lied about having a college degree, and you don't have one, if you come clean now, he may be ok with it. Or if you lied about being a size 4 when you are really a size 12. but if it is a more serious lie, like you lied about your gender or your marital/relationship status, i think you should do him and yourself a favor and call it off before he gets led on even more.

[Batya33]

What you have for him certainly isn't love - it's all about you "I feel" and "I want" and "I need" - by any definition, that's not love, that's being in love with love, that's neediness, etc. Obviously you lied to him because you don't want him to know the real you and it's convenient to hide behind a computer screen.

 

But the reasons you are reluctant to end this are not about him and what is good for him - they're all about you and your need to have him in your life, telling you how much he loves and wants you. That's not love and what he feels for you is based in part on a lie you told him that is important enough that you can't tell him the truth. So, as some of us said in the beginning, he is in love not with you but with what you've told him, some of which is a lie.

 

You also give a bad name to those of us who have met people through online dating sites and been truthful about what we say in our profiles and with what we tell the other person about ourselves before meeting. Your behavior perpetuates the image of on line as being a place where most people lie and mislead.

 

It also makes it clear why you asked about falling in love on line in the first place - it's not really about whether you can make this work - you can't, you made sure of that by lying - it's just to continue to reassure you that all of this attention he gives you and all this time he spends typing and talking means the he is in love with you. As to whether you are in love with him - well, how ironic would it be if just as you lied to him, he lied to you? Since you did that to him, who's to say he is not doing the same thing back?

 

Why not, instead of musing about whether it is possible to fall in love on line, spend some time musing about whether this person deserves to be treated as you are treating him.

 

I have been harsh but it sounds like you need "harsh" in order to do the right thing. I hope you do. It will benefit you in the long run too.

[88cookie]

umm.. so what happened? these topics never have conclusions on this site

[Zaphod]

IMHO you can't love someone properly until you know what they smell like.

I'm serious.

[Batya33]

IMHO you can't love someone properly until you know what they smell like.

I'm serious.

 

Strange but VERY true. Gotta love those pheromones.