olena Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Can someone explain to me what it means when someone tells you that they want to be alone for this period in their life? To figure out for them selves what they want out of life...and that they don't want to be in a permenant relationship, eventhough they love you and don't want to lose you? Chris just rang me...and that's what he said... I started crying and said to him that if in two weeks he can still keep his emotions under control, it's unlikely that his emotions will become stronger down the line...He says he wants to see where this relationship can develop down the line... I feel as if he is doupting us... He asked to see me tomorrow and I refused as he does not have anything new to say to me... He said we should talk at some other time...and that all he wants of me for now is to love him and spend some time away from him, alone... I asked him not to call me... I am starting NO CONTACT all over again... Link to comment
4GiveAnd4Get Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 I just had something like this happen to me less than 2 days ago. The only difference is that she said she needed time to sort things out and I was the one left in dismay. It is very difficult to do the NO CONTACT thing considering I work with this girl. I am also at a loss about what the hell to do. GRRR HATE FEMALES THAT PLAY GAMES! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE HORROR! Link to comment
Scotcha Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 To me it sounds like the end of a relationship. It sounds like whoever said this to you still cares for you a lot and was trying to end things gently. Sometimes being let down easy just isn't easy at all. I'm so sorry. Link to comment
savoie Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 i know that it is hard to get these mixed messages. you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what the end result will be. he needs to be alone - not just right now - but for a period of time. it sounds like you have decided that you don't want a limbo relationship - and i can totally understand. my bf and i split a month ago primarily because his lifestyle (partying) was interferring with our relationship.....and his work, etc. he never said that he was confused - he was actually quite decisive when we had our final blowout! but like your boyfriend, he has been trying to keep the door open. i am taking it one day at a time. but the reality is that either of us could meet another at any time. that is a risk that is known. but there isn't an alternative. i can't live with the "lifestyle" - so if it is to be at all he needs this time to himself - to figure out what he what kind of lifestyle he wants and if i fit into it. so i have accepted where we are. i can't tell you the reasons your bf is doing this. it could be that he loves you but at this time in his life - he doesn't see himself wanting the things that you would like to have (marriage, family, commitment) the timing is wrong. i don't know - he may not even know exactly what it is. but you need to go by what he is saying - at this period in time....... what does your gut tell you? Link to comment
JOYl Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 just read all ur posts... ive been in the same situation recently. I believe at this point in time he needs to be alone to find himself again, he loves you but i guess he does not feel those "sparks" what you can do now is work on yourself, create a brand new exciting you, spend the time with positive people. Take 3 months without any contact from him to let him feel the void from his life, Then when he sees you again you will be a brand new happy you. For now no more questions etc, tell him you want him to be happy if he calls you again and that for now you need some months without seeing him. After 6 years feeligns dont jsut go away like that. He may be thinking of the next step which is marriage or feels he missed out on a "single" period.What age is he? After 6 years feelings do not disappear(sparks perhaps) Link to comment
olena Posted February 16, 2007 Author Share Posted February 16, 2007 This is my piece of mind at the moment... To make my self a better person - but not through relationships, but rather through my work and social circle... You are right...feelings don't disappear just like that after 3 years...and I am in a way trying my best to take some time off - on my own... And then when I feel ready, I will contact him and meet him...see what he says...how he's getting on...and in the mean time, I know he'll contact me...and depending of how I feel on the day, I may answer the phone or I may not... Thank you for the response - I only just read it...but it's more supportive and understanding that many other things that I have heard from friends in the last 3 weeks or so... Olena Link to comment
Brooke657 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 You know I'm on the other side of this right now. It's really not that I want him out of my life but I know I can't be with someone right now. He might just need some time to be alone. Give him that. He'll either realize that he made a mistake and he'll come back or he'll realize it's exactly what he needed. If you do love you'll give him space to figure this out for himself even if it's hard for you. Link to comment
olena Posted February 16, 2007 Author Share Posted February 16, 2007 Hi there, Thanks for the reply...I am now on my second day of absolutely no contact... Last time I spoke to him was on Valentines day...He once again said that he knew he wanted to end up with me...Chris is now 31, and in fact our problems started when he turned 30...He said that for some men it's like going through an early middle life crisis...putting questions in their mind as to what they want from life and where they are going... I am really trying hard to keep it together...tonight I went out with a friend who makes me laugh...tomorrow I am going for another long walk in London... I try to keep really really busy...but the real test will be when he calls me...and I know he will at some point -chances are during the weekend... On one hand I am dieing to talk to him and find out how he's feeling...and on the othe hand, I don't want to as the conversation will be inconclusive, yet another time... In my mind, I would rather talk to him when he has something new to say to me... NC is becoming very hard...and it's only the second day... I suppose you are right...it's the good old saying ' if you love something set it free,,,if it comes back to you it's yours, if not then it never was....' I am scared of losing him...but I guess doing nothing, just sitting back and giving im 'space' is the right course of action... I really just want to be LEFT ALONE.... I only talk to a few friends of mine about it...the rest can not really understand...it's funny that a situation like this makes you realise who your real friends are...some people elegantely step back and let you get on with it, and others become too nosy and too judgemental of the situation...and at this stage I feel that it's a 'personal affair' something very personal to me - only open for discussion with people that can understand.... My head and my heart are really messed up...I can;t even cry anymore...since I have cried so much in the last year...I feel numbed, but then in my heart I know that there is something missing in my life... I suppose I do love him...and that's why once again, I try to give him exactely what he wants...all I wanted was to be loved back.. It seems that I am turning out to be a difficult person to love.. with all his problems... I pray for him...and wish loads of happiness for him... Olena Link to comment
Steve316 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I was dumped after 4.5 years for this reason - "I want to be on my own" :sad: Link to comment
macgyver4ever Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 I was told this but it was a lie. First she wanted her freedom, then I found out she had a boy on the side. She really just wanted to be with him, not even be single. Link to comment
baddasslegend92 Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 Usually when they sa they need time etc??usually the end.I just went through the same thing this week with the girl I loved.It is so hard to hear those words.Better to have no contact!!!Trust me , I truly believe that if a person wants you they will come back in their right mind eventually.Its up to you to take them back. Link to comment
baddasslegend92 Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 Usually it is a lie.excuses like, its because of my job,or its just me,or school etc are usually excuses.A lot of the times it has to do with another person in the picture and they don't know how to tell you.Better to take the high road and move on.Its so hard but im getting really good at it. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 i think sometimes people are genuinely confused, and need a little time off, but many times they are just trying to ease out of the relationship in a way that doesn't cause a big blowup or emotional scenes. so if you really love him and want to give him the benefit of the doubt, i would decide how long you want to wait for him to 'find' himself, and i would check in with him after no more than a month to see how things are going and if his feelings have changed. i think people who really love you want to be with you, and if they are finding lots of excuses to not be with you, or the excuses keep changing, then they may not be being fully honest with their intentions. so spend time with your other friends and do fun things for yourself, but don't put all your expectations into getting him back, and don't let a really long period of time go by without finding out whether he really intends to get back with you, or he is just stalling while he goes off and establishes a life without you. Link to comment
need2bme Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 Olena: I know what you are feeling girl. Sometimes I even get on here and think, "these guys don't know what I am going through". I always think that about other people. I get locked up in the, "how did he/she end up with her/him", "why couldn't I have that kind of relationship" or whatever. Then I just go home and watch tv. I work out and I eat right, but not much else. I just find some midless dribble to keep my mind off things, when I am not working. Even at work, my mind plays tricks on me. All I want sometimes, is to be left alone. No one to hurt or hurt me, no one to answer to AND then I feel lonely. I want to call her. So, I get stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to be alone, but I need other people. Link to comment
olena Posted February 17, 2007 Author Share Posted February 17, 2007 Hi, The truth is that there is nobody new in his life at the moment...and I know that for a fact... He even said that the point is not to find someone ealse as he would only be transfering the same problems into a different relationship...He is genuinely not happy in his life... I try to focus on me...but it's hard at this stage to find a purpose for my life at the moment. Olena Link to comment
need2bme Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 He even said that the point is not to find someone ealse as he would only be transfering the same problems into a different relationship...He is genuinely not happy in his life... Amen, but unfortunately, that is what we all seem to do. I am not doing that this time... Link to comment
stronggirl Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I can honestly say in my case when he said he needed time away it was the truth. We both needed time away. We were together for 4.5 years and had one crisis after another. We suffered through deaths in the family, infertility and miscarriages, crazy family memebers. Our whole relationship was dysfuntional. We never had the chance to learn how to communicate properly because we were always under extreme stress. We became verbally and emoutionally abusive to one another. The weight that came off my shoulders when he left was incredible. I felt so much better. Now I am trying to figure out how to live without all the stress and pressure. It just seems weird to not have it. Any way my point is that sometimes when some one says they need time and space it is simply because they do. It can be hard to concentrate on yourself when you are part of a couple. My advice would be to give the space requested and move on with your every day life. Stay in small contact maybe an e-mail just saying I am thinking of you and i hope you are well. If in the end you do not end up together it is hard but probably for the best. Link to comment
olena Posted February 19, 2007 Author Share Posted February 19, 2007 Hi there, tonight he drove round to my friend's house to see me...we went out for dinner, and he was talking to me about his efforts to set up a business back home (where he wants to end up). He then said to me that he made up his mind and that he would like us to go back home together once the time is right...I asked him what he meant and he said that he knows what he wants to get out of this break...to put his life back on track and then make the circumstances right, for us to be a couple... He said to me that he can see himself having children with me and spending the rest of his life with me...when the time is ready... I just listened to him without giving him an indication of what is going on in my mind or in my heart...He said that he is trying to make him self happy so that we can be happy... And he mentioned to me that his mother was asking him where I am and how I am doing... I feel very confused, but to be honest I feel much better than being in bad terms with him... I do love him - I know that, but my feelings are numbed at the moment...they can neither grow of disappear...it's as if time stopped for me interms of the relationships, and whilst I am getting on with the rest of my life, I am putting the whole situation on hold my self... It;s a bit like, let me focus on my career and so on, and then see what he does in the future... He swears that he loves me... And I am just listening... Olena Link to comment
Semid Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Olena, in any case please go on with your life. Make new friends, recover yourself, be strong. If he comes back, good for him, and maybe good for you. I heard simmilar words 15 years ago from my then -love of my life- "our moment is yet to come, darling, but now I need space". I remember I could hardly breath, or sleep or do anything then, I was devastated. But I respected his decission and did not contacted him. I'm still waiting. A year later a friend told me that he was about to be married with the gir he was dating while dating with me too. This really shocked me, but instead of crying, I make a lot of laughs... Unbelievable But time heals, and sometimes a person is not what he pretends to be. While on NC try to take your pink coloured glasess and think about yourself. Link to comment
JOYl Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Personally i dont like the false hope hes giving you. Is he trying to see if the grass is greener on the other side while keeping you on the backburner? yes get yourself strong and happy, try and not see him for 3 months or it will confuse you more. Go on with your life.. keep busy and mysterious when he calls,return calls a few days late or not at all. good luck.. Link to comment
Zaphod Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 It's really not that I want him out of my life but I know I can't be with someone right now. Can't you be with him but just not see each other very much? Link to comment
olena Posted February 23, 2007 Author Share Posted February 23, 2007 Hi there- thanks for your responses everyone. I have been keeping away from Chris, from texting him or calling him all week...He has not contacted me, and I have not contacted him... And I am very curious as to what is going on in his mind... In my mind I am very confused and upset that he has not contacted me. I have a feeling that he may call me in the weekend, but I don't think that I will pick up the phone... As the days go by I get more upset than when I was when I left home a month ago...Probably, reality is settling in - I am beginning to realise that he is not around and that I don't know what the future holds... Being busy all the time, going out every night, and avoiding to spend time on my own is no longer fun...As the days go by, I feel more and more isolated, and I miss chris, my cat, my home even more...every night for a minute I have the feeling the I am going back home to my life, and then I realise that I can't... And I know you guys will say that time is a good healer, and that I will learn to live without him and make a new life on my own and that if he comes back I will have a choice... but it's not as simple at the moment... Not knowing what to think is worse than being told in your face that a relationship is over.... Olena Link to comment
GoldersGreen Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I'm in this situation right now too. It's kinda hard to get that call and have all your dreams and hopes shattered all of a sudden, when you were looking forward to getting deeper into someone and just had only experienced a fraction of what you knew was there and could be shared together. Worse than that is the sort of bluff they give you, the fake hopes, where you have to figure it out for yourself that the relationship's over because they were too weak to state it in the first place or even to do the decent thing and to have discussed anything before they plunge in with the BAM! statement.... Take care, think of yourself as better off out. Especially if he didn't want quality around him! Link to comment
sunday13 Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I, too am in the same boat. I'm 24, he's 26. He broke up with me and said, "I make myself sick," "You deserve better" "I have nothing left in me to fight," "I want to be with you but I don't think I should," "I don't know what I am doing," "I need to figure out my life." He said all this while crying uncontrollably. He had been apparently going back and forth on breaking up for a few days. He said he didn't want to hold me back. I am friends with his close friends, and they say he told all of them the breakup was nothing to do with anything I did, but that he needed to get his life together. I believe it. Still hurts, and I still need to move on. It's been 3 weeks since he last texted me saying he wanted to talk. Haven't heard from him since! We also have myspace accounts and he finally took me off of his top friends. Guess he is moving on... I love him, but I need to move on myself. Link to comment
olena Posted February 23, 2007 Author Share Posted February 23, 2007 Hi all, I am not sure what is going on in those guys head...and I don't understand why being with someone that they love can be a burden whilst trying to figure out life... I just can't believe that he would lie to me...that he would say thinks that he does not mean, and that he would only want me to realise that it's over with time... I feel very lonely and I am constantly with people...I have to put up a show at work everyday (nature of my job as I have to deal with a lot of people) and even though I never get a minute alone, I feel very lonely... Tomorrow I am seeing a flat...hopefully I will be able to rent it...I want to move out of my friend's place and be on my own...I am thinking of going for a short trip on my own...to think, find me and see what next... In my life I have always taken control of situations, problems, obstacles and dealt with them...But now I feel powerless, nothing that I say matters nothing that I say makes a difference, and I am left with NOTHING... 61/2 years of my life are gone and I am left with NOTHING.... I am 27 and I have to start figuring out my life all over again...friend's -yes a good distruction, but really, I would like not to hear any more negative things about chris at the moment... I still love him... Olena Link to comment
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