sara_0562 Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 Hey everyone im looking for advic eon how to detect if a guy is just using you for sex and doesn't really see the relationship having any future?? I kno there must be tons of poeple that have thought this before or have done this before so im jsut wondering if you all share "the signs"....
lessy20 Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 Don't have sex with him for a bit and see if he sticks around...
Batya33 Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 I know when he is not willing to get to know me as a person for at least a few months before having sex and he is not willing to be exclusive before having sex. If you choose to have sex earlier than a few months in, it is harder to tell but certainly if in the beginning he is not calling you in advance to ask you out on dates he has planned, if he is focused on spending time with you that involves just hanging out at someone's place and having sex, he doesn't ask you a lot of questions about your life, your friends, family, work, school, interests, your goals, dreams, etc. then chances are he is mostly interested in you for the sex. It helps a lot if you have high standards of self-respect and reasonable self-esteem so that you can evaluate his behavior from a position of inner strength and confidence.
dopexile Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 Why are you worried about being "used" for sex... if you don't want to have sex then don't have it. And if you do want it then it's not being used, it's mutually beneficial.
sara_0562 Posted February 10, 2007 Author Posted February 10, 2007 Well i do want to have sex with this guy and we are... but thats not the only thing im interested in. Im just unsure what his intensions are...
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Are you exclusive? Have you asked him what his intentions are? If not, how is it that you are comfortable having him inside you but not comfortable asking him his intentions? How often does he call you, how often does he make plans for your dates, has he introduced you to his family/friends or does he tell you that he would like that to happen? Does he talk about the future? Does he ask you about your day, your life, how you're doing? How often?
dopexile Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Just gauge his interest level... would he cancel his plans to be with you... does he enjoy hanging out with you... etc. You're pretty young so... just focus on having a good time...
sara_0562 Posted February 11, 2007 Author Posted February 11, 2007 no we are not exlusive and haven't really talked about it yet. We go out about once or twice a week. Yes, asks about my day and general stuff like that. He has met my roommates but i haven't met his...
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 So, right now his intentions are to have casual sex with you and perhaps his intentions will change over time. It doesn't mean all he wants is sex but he is comfortable keeping his options open and having you keep your options open. Please make sure as to whether he is sleeping with other women so that you can know what your STD risks are.
hosswhispra Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Hey everyone im looking for advic eon how to detect if a guy is just using you for sex and doesn't really see the relationship having any future?? How can you tell? One way---> that's all you do/talk about doing when you're together. i.e., there isn't any courting. What does your gut tell 'ya? Listen to that inner voice.
itsallgrand Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Besides what has already been said about waiting before sleeping with a man, and him taking an active interest in you as a person - which is solid advice but not guaranteed (nothing is, there is always a chance taken).. I've noticed that men who are not looking for more will generally have troubles answering questions. I'm not talking interrogation, but direct pointed questions that need to be asked. Like, where do you see yourself in X amount of time? Are you looking for a longterm relationship? Are you dating other people? Honest exchange is so important, instead of assuming or falling into game playing. That's how people get hurt. Another sign that a guy may be into you mostly for the sex, is if most of his praise and attention towards you is targeted at the physical aspects of you. "You are beautiful." "You're so sexy" "Wow, you are flexible!" blah blah blah. His language may seem somewhat onesided. You might be seeing only a few dimensions to his personality. He might seem so charming, not gritty real - which we all are, but men are prone to hiding when trying to keep a woman close to his bed. I agree with Batya's last post. You need to find out what this guy is about, what he is looking for, and if he is sleeping with other women. Even if yall are using condoms, which I hope you are, there is emotional and physical risks to casual sex.
skyblue1 Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Well i've been seeing this guy for a few months and it only feels like sex. His cancelled on me twice, doesn't ask me questions about my life and doesn't have much contact with me and thats it. That's how you know! He only contacts me when his wants me to pop round and sleep with him. Good luck
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I would think it would be hard for anyone - much less a 20 year old - to be able to tell what her gut was telling her because of the complicating emotions and attachment that sex adds to a relationship particularly a new and casual relationship. Most people I know would want to make it clear in words and actions to their sexual partner that they were there for more than sex if the sex was happening early on. Given that he is fine having casual sex, that is certainly part of the asnwer - if he had serious intentions, he likely would want to make sure that they were exclusive.
hosswhispra Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I would think it would be hard for anyone - much less a 20 year old - to be able to tell what her gut was telling her because of the complicating emotions and attachment that sex adds to a relationship particularly a new and casual relationship. Most people I know would want to make it clear in words and actions to their sexual partner that they were there for more than sex if the sex was happening early on. Given that he is fine having casual sex, that is certainly part of the asnwer - if he had serious intentions, he likely would want to make sure that they were exclusive. She's here on ENA asking this question and that's a hint to me that she's got some gut action going on. And to OP, trust that gut action. Don't dismiss it.
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I often find it too vague to suggest "go with your gut" particularly to a woman of 20 who is sexually active in a casual relationship. I agree with you that she wouldn't be posting if she wasn't concerned but she might not have to go as far as "her gut" if she is given specific advice and given specific suggestions on how to find out. Here, indeed, the person with the answer is the guy in question and if she doesn't trust him to tell her his true intentions then that is the only answer she needs - why should she have sex with someone she doesn't trust? I also often find that the true inner voice can be clouded by fear or the voice of fear can be mistaken for the inner voice - she might be scared and interpret that fear as "something must be wrong" when indeed all that might be wrong is that she is feeling a bit vulnerable.
hosswhispra Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I agree that she shouldn't have sex with someone she doesn't trust and that the guy the OP posted about can feed her a line of crap if he so chooses. I think this girl will be able to see through that if he does.
mintblossom Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 If there is a age gap of significance between him and you. That would be a source of questionability. Guys who want sex like to target younger girls.
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Actually, that's never been true in my experience. In fact, the opposite was true. When I was 19 I dated a 24 year old man for 8 months. At that time I wanted to wait for marriage. He was fine with that - wanted to make sure I was comfortable with whatever happened or didn't happen. Same situation with the next boyfriend who I met when I was 20 and he was 23.
mintblossom Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Well, I think it depends on the age gap and the ages of the people in question.
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Yes I agree that age can be a factor. I think the other factors that have already been raised are more relevant.
mintblossom Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Yeah. I took a more through look at the posts above. I don't think it's enough to say "trust your gut" either because while our intuition is sharp, there is always a tendency to override it. I think the best position is, if you are not sure, don't do it and don't fool around with him either.
sara_0562 Posted February 11, 2007 Author Posted February 11, 2007 Wow thanks for all the replies. Im 20 and hes 25 so there is a age gap. He does ask me limited questions outside of sexual things. I did mention to him once that i was concerned that h wasn't over an ex gf of his and his reply was "if you think this is jsut about sex then you dont know me at all. I wouldn;t have driven 1 hour to see you just for sex cause theres lots of that here...." SO his reply makes me think its not jsut about sex but im stil getting a weird vibe from him. I suppose i wil just have to ask him and see what he says. When is it appropriate to ask to be exclusive with someone??
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I will not have sex with a man unless we are exclusive. Out of all the men I have had sex with (very short list), 4 of them brought up exclusivity before we had sex. The one who didn't - I had to ask - and in hindsight he wasn't all that into me (relationship lasted about 5 months). I would certainly ask him if he is having sex with anyone else or if he plans to and if the answer is yes I would not sleep with him and I would get tested ASAP. I do not like his response to your question - it was defensive and all he said was that he could get sex closer to home if he wanted. Not a positive response. A man who truly cares likely would have said something like "I am sorry you're concerned - it is not about sex - I care for you and hope things continue to go well and that we get closer." I would bring up the monogamy issue now but wait until you've been dating at least 2-3 months and see if he brings up exclusivity.
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 i think if he's just after sex, you'll start to see a pattern... he will try to spend as little time outside bed with you as possible... he could start showing up later and later in the evening, so there's little time for anything but sex... he could also show up at other times, initiate sex, then find an excuse to leave right away... he'll also be unavailable a lot of the time, i.e., not take your calls when you do call, call you back much later (ie., next day or days later) and not even return all your calls or texts. he could also start having reasons to miss important 'couples' time with you, like not being with you on holidays, your birthday, etc. doing things that try to discourage you from thinking you have any 'claim' on him or his time... he can also become increasingly selfish in bed, just after his own pleasure and not yours... in other words, he wants to take, but not really give... look for his actions more than his words, becuase selfish people frequently learn how to manipulate other people with words to get what they want...
itsallgrand Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Have you been clear about what you want? Are you assuming he realizes you want more. Have you voiced that - or are you carrying secrets to yourself? To me, I would have told him to shove it by now. His answer was a way of putting you in your place, in my way of looking at things, by saying "You don't have the right to ask me that. I can get sex anywhere, so don't be asking me about my intentions." Blowing you off, your questions off, exactly as I had mentioned earlier to watch out for. Ok, maybe I read too much into things, but why not just tell him upfront what you want and see what he says? Listen, watch him. He'll give you the answer so boldly it may even shock you. Otherwise he can - honestly - say "well, I didn't know you thought I was only dating you". If you are looking for a longer time exclusive relationship, tell him. Just say "I am looking for someone to be with long term eventually, not casual sex. What about you?" If you are looking for something else, let it be known. Being honest and upfront makes it possible to see what others are doing ...and to take appropriate action. Batya and I may go about things somewhat differently, but it seems clear to me that she is a woman who knows what she wants and is willing to act in accord with that. That's the ticket, I think. I don't think you ask to be exclusive with someone when you are dating - you let it be known that is what you want, keep your eyes on if the person you are dating is acting with that wish too, and go day by day. After a time, it develops and talking about it comes naturally. Just my say. Take care.
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