difficult situation

[the_azn_fu]

so i started NC with my ex last week. we broke up mutually after things began to get dull.

 

however,

i heard from my friend that my ex heard that ive been saying that "i broke up with her."

now the ex is mad.

should i break no contact to explain it to her?

thanks

[friscodj]

Hey AZF-

 

I've seen and lived where the grief both people feel after a break up tends to mess with people's heads in different ways, whether it be in the form of dreams about your ex-partner, thinking you see them walking on the street or out somewhere, having notions things will change for no solid reason, and in subconsciously generating alternate realities regarding the break up to make it easier to deal with.

 

So here, I think either there was some miscommunication between you two regarding the break or grief is motivating her to fabricate and alter the facts here. That has happened to me a lot...the tendency to change big or small details in renditions of the relationship and break up to other people to viscerally make themselves look like the "victim" and the other person look like the "bad guy"... This is very common...I've lived it too many times to count...and it is a hard reality for a lot of people to face...including myself...

 

It's common and it also makes things harder on you when you hear something to this end directed towards someone else, namely in this situation these other people.

 

So my experience tells me even if you sat down with her for a full day and explained things trying to set the story straight, as you see it in your mind, it isn't going to do any good. It is likely the truth is hard for her to take right now and this change she likely fabricated is providing comfort to her, as such she is holding onto it, and will fight to keep this grip.

 

I also think in light of this information, the break up was not as mutual as you think, and that she is taking it harder than you are.

 

So my advice is follow your initial conviction to make distance and stay away. Should you go back now, you are setting a precedent to keep going back when other issues like this arise. I think you should stay away until the feelings on both sides, namely her anger, have subsided to manageable and comfortable levels, levels which they have clearly not reached yet. Should you speak to her now, you will face a lot of her anger and get nowhere or even get set back in your healing process. Plus as an ancillary benefit, you are giving her the freedom to do what she needs to do to cope with this on her own, in her own perception of the reality behind what happened. It's a gift to her in many senses in this way...she needs to believe in her version of the story so let her do it...

 

If anything, you might want to talk to your friends to see if she starts blatantly making up things about you that hurt your character to these people. If she starts saying you, by name, did really bad things to her or the like, that's when you stand up to her and put a stop to the insanity.

 

Unless you are 100.00% sure there was miscommunication in the break up process, or you find 100.00% surety you have addressed issues which caused the break up and the subsequent 100.00% surety in your heart you want to try again with her, stay put until the storm blows over.

[the_azn_fu]

wow, thank you so much for that great response frisco.

 

but i dont think shes making it up tho. i think that people really did tell her that "i broke up with her" and shes upset because thats not what happened. and im upset because its something i need to clear up both with the people who told her that and HER.

i also dont think she is hurting as much as i am becuase if anything it was her that broke up with me. things became a little mundane after 9 months with school and all so and we both realized it and decided to end it.

another reason why its harder to get back together is, shes a year older than me and she is going to college in 6 months and that we would have to break up again anyways. and she doesnt want to get hurt later down the road so she is hesitant to get back together. any ideas on what i can say to persuade her that "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"?

 

thank you everyone!

[friscodj]

So people told her that you broke up with her?

 

If other people needed to tell her what was going on, there sounds to be miscommunication between you two.

 

At any rate, you say she seems to be doing OK so I'd just leave it and press on. Forget about persuading her this-or-that. You yourself know in your heart the truth of this situation so hold onto that and in time these details you speak of won't matter. Experience tells me there is not much fruit to be had if you climb this tree. Better to just let it go.