Bisexual g/f issues

[Tears May Fall]

Well if some of you who read my other post a few weeks back, it was about how my g/f slept with another female while on a trip out of the country, with another classmate, and told me as soon as she got back. She stated she only did it because i told her i was i was alright with her bisexual views. I never thought her being with another female would enrage me so much so i let her know i felt. She was very sorry for it and begged me for forgiveness, so I forgave her on it because she said she was willing to let go of that side of her and only be interested in me and no1 else and that nothing of that sort would ever happen again.

 

Last weekend, me her and my friend and his gf went away on a ski trip weekend. We had our own cabin. My gf just met these people for the first time. The 2nd night we were there, we all were drinking. My gf started getting a lil loose and blunt. She was acting very happy go lucky and giddy. She started putting her arm around the other girl, acting very friendly with her, acting excited around her company, tickling her, wanting me to take pictures of the two of them. She at one point blurted out, "when i drink or smoke, i get very horny." She even earlier in the evening (before drinking) looked down her pants at the other girls lingerie that she had planned for her bf, but she stated that they were talking about it earlier.

 

I felt very uncomfortable about it at the time, mainly because of what had just taken place a few weeks back. It made me begin wondering if this was the true her, being very close and friendly with other females, especially when under the influence. It made all confused about what she had stated to me after the japan incident, that she wouldnt act that way and was willing to let go of her lesbian ways. The part that concerns me alot is that she acts VERY different when she in under the influence of alcohol as compared to not, even when it comes to the sex between us. Shes alot more open and aggressive even with me in bed when drinking.

 

I didnt say anything during the trip, but when we got back i did bring it up.

 

Then the next day, my friend actually gave me even more info, he said that at one point when i was in the kitchen, she went into the bathroom with the other girl, and asked her "if she was only straight." My friends GF felt very uncomfortable at that point, and clearly said yes she was only straight. She stated that she felt that if she said that she does go both ways, that my gf wouldve pounced on her.

 

After hearing that, i was just enraged. I couldnt believe my ears. I was totally hurt and felt disrespected once again. When i brought it to her attention, she stated that she was just being friendly with her, trying to become friends, and that she had no intentions of anything. She stated that it was just a question out of curiosity, nothing more. She said shes very friendly with females like that all the time, with her mom, sister, cousins, friends, etc. She said she wouldnt ever lie to me, and what she said a few weeks back, she meant. She said she wanted the whole weekend to be for us together, nothing else. She didnt have any thoughts towards anything of that sort. I am in a difficult position to believe her now. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to trust her at this point.

 

A part of me wants to believe her, but a part of me is very hurt and mad. I dont know what to believe at this point. I dont know if my gf is TRULLY capable of fully letting go of her bisexual nature, even if she states she has no interest in anyone but me. She stated last night when we spoke, that she still calls herself bisexual but just says that she doesnt practice it right now. But then she also stated that if her and I were to break up, she would go back to that. This is all is very confusing. I dont know what to tihnk. I cant stand the thought of her being interested in anyone but me

At this point, even knowing that the thought might cross her mind enrages me. I dont know if deep down inside, she ever would fully let it go. I get afraid of how she might be if shes drinking, and im not around.

 

BTW, if the whole thing with her and another female didnt happen a few weeks back, i wouldnt have even thought anything of this, but the fact that it did, and especially that its sooo fresh in my mind still, is what confuses me and hurts me more than anything.

 

I dont know whether to stay in this relationship or not.

 

I know i prolly left out some details or what not, please ask if u need further detail on anything.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well, translate this in your mind... would you be comfortable if she was behaving like this with another guy, in front of you??

 

bisexual vs. straight, doesn't really matter... how much sexual activity with someone else are you comfortable with as far as your girlfriend is concerned? do you expect fidelity between the two of you, or sexual activity with other people?

 

decide how much exclusiveness you need, and if she is sleeping with someone else (regardless of sex), is this OK with you? if not, find someone else... don't let the gender of whom she is having sex with confuse you... fidelity is important to you or not... use that as your guide to deciding what you need to do here...

[Suesser Tod]

She is making advances on another person while you went to the kitchen? Wow! I don't want to know what she would do if you weren't close for some hours!

 

She already cheated on you once, and she didn't a second time just because she didn't found someone to cheat on you with, so, what are you waiting for?

[heloladies21]

Well, you know your gf the best out of all of us here and this goes down to the heart of the matter which is "do you take her at her word that she would not do anything behind your back clearly against your wishes?" Whether it's with a male or female doesn't matter. What happened in the other country, I get the vibe that she honestly knew that it wouldn't be wrong to do, and now that she knows it's wrong, she won't do it in the future. But there are other signs you can only see and not articulate in a post.

 

It's the war between your insecurities and well founded doubts. One thing is for sure though that stringing it out further ad making her feel more guilty about it willaccomplish nothing at this point. Either she already feels the remorse or she never will. So now it's up to you to come to a final resolution in your own mind asap because the doubt will transfer to her and will end up pushing her away.

[yeawutever]

It doesn't matter the gender she cheated on you with. Straight or not, it's sitll cheating if you and your SO had agree not to seek pleasure from someone else. Yet she was gonna cheat again, I suggest you kick her to the curb.

[Tears May Fall]

I thought i had made it clear that i was not comfortable at this point of her engaging in ANY type of sexual contact with any other person besides me, whether same sex or not. If she is going to "close" and "friendly" with other females, it will at this point make me feel uncomfortable, and that is something i feel from the way she defended herself on the topic that she wont be able to tolerate me telling her not to do, thats just the vibe that i get

[Tears May Fall]

this new incident is only pushing me further to wonder whether my GF can TRULLLYY let go of her bisexual side or if its just something she says she wants to do just for the sake of wanting to keep this relationship alive...i dunno what to believe at this point

My girl has never lied to me up until this point and has always been 100% open about everything, but its still hard for me to believe everything, because right now i believe the "other side" of her can come on at anytime, and thats what i cant trust

[Tears May Fall]

this is the original post from the first topic -

[heloladies21]

As everyone else in that thread has said, that is cheating. Her being bisexual isn't the problem here, it's the fact that you can't trust her. By you continueing in this relationship you set the precedent that she can have sex with someone else and you will stay with her. This is a no win with her, there's no way to make this relationship work at this point. Either you're gonna dump her or she's eventually dump you, it's only a matter of time.

 

And being bisexual isn't something she can let go of. You can't control if you're straight or not, right? But lying or hiding things or doing something behind your back, that's something she has complete control over. That's the real problem right there.

[Tears May Fall]

i think some of you are missing my point...i already know what she did in japan was cheating and i told her that and she promises it would never happen again..she has cheated on me, i know that, she knows that!

 

my question is, was what happened last weekend with my friends girlfriend a display of her not being able to fully let go of her bisexual nature? although she didnt exactly do anything really physical with her aside from putting her arm around and being kinda close to her at times, and asking if she swung both ways...im just asking everyone whether or not that whole display of extra friendliness towards another female is her in a way displaying that she is still in touch with her bisexual nature and doesnt even realize it and is in denial?

 

because thats what shes basically stating, being in denial of having done anything while on this last weekend, no intentions on anything with the other girl, blah blah

[Suesser Tod]

First of all, bisexual does not mean cheater, so stop saying things like question is, was what happened last weekend with my friends girlfriend a display of her not being able to fully let go of her bisexual nature?"

 

 

For a second imagine that instead of asking your friend's girlfriend, she got touchy / feely with your friend, and then she asked him if he liked her.

 

It is not about her bisexual nature, it is about her being able to remain faithful to you.

 

 

So I think, she was not able to control her urges, and if given a chance, she would cheat on you. To put it more simple, "she was not able to fully let go her cheater nature".

[Marco9i]

even when in relationships, we can still feel a pull towards another. that is natural -- something you can't control. what one CAN control is their response: will they try to fool around with another, flirt or drop inuendos?

 

your gf is definitely giving you reason to grieve, but it may be a bit too harsh to pull out yet. she may have an attraction to other girls, but it's super likely that you too find other girls attractive (but that doesn't mean you have to act on it). put some faith in her words for now, but if her body language starts to suggest otherwise for a period of time, she may just be takin you for a ride.

[flower99]

Me being bisexual..but also not 'practicing it' because my finacee is not comfortable with it.

I would say following her to the bathroom and asking if she swings both ways, really seems out of line.

WHY WOULD THAT MATTER?. They are both there with thier boyfriends, they only met that weekend... That question is rather personal & only seems relevent if she's going to make a move.

And I believe that drinking does make her horny. As it does many people & also makes you lose your inhibitions.

Of course she is in touch with her bisexual nature, because it's part of her, but it's a question of will she control it or it control her. That's something we can't answer.

[treefrogkate]

I agree with flower99. It's not a question of giving up her bisexual nature, Tears. It's a question of giving up flirting with other people (regardless of gender) because it makes you uncomfortable.

 

Your sexuality is part of your being. It's not something you can change. You're not going to wake up one day and say "I think I'll be gay now" any more than she's going to wake up and say "I think I won't like girls anymore". I don't think there's any chance she will become unattracted to girls, and you will need to come to terms with this.

 

When she says she will give up her bisexuality, I would take that to mean she would give up flirting with girls. You should talk to her about this and let her know it makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

Also, I second flower99 in saying that her asking the other girl if she's not straight is way out of line. There's no need to know that (especially when you've just met and are making the other person uncomfortable) unless you're looking to act on it.

[bluebone03]

She can't change being bi sexual. She can be faithful to one person though (if she chooses) If she wants to have flings with women on the side and you're not comfortable with it. Tell her to go find someone who is.

 

Ask her if she would mind you seeing other women??? She'll probably say no. My ex gf(bi) tried to convince me that it should be ok with her to see women as well as me. I was never ok with it and so she did it behind my back. Then I manage to catch her cheating with another guy.

 

Sounds like your gf is not satisfied with one person. Since she's bi, that'll equate to wanting other guys as well in the end.

[Rabican]

at the very least her comments about being horny when drunk and all the touchy stuff was very disrespectful to you. After what happened before, I think this would be the straw to break the camels back for me. Either that, or tell her that if she wants another woman to bring on home and have a 3some. See how she reacts to that. My vote, shes not really relationship material... id probably squeeze some more sex out of the situation and then kick her to the curb.

[bluebone03]

Rabican. Sounds like you've been reading the same material as I have.

[GQstatus]

I've been in 2 relationships with openly bi women. And had no problem with them acting upon their desires for women, as long as I knew about it. The problem you have, is you're both not obviously clear on the status of all of this.

 

Sit down and talk with her. Tell her you're NOT comfortable at all with her screwing around with any other girls. Just know that doing so, might push her away.

 

Both of these girls I dated, WANTED to be in a "straight" relationship with a man. And only enjoyed the sexual relationship with women. Which didn't really bother me. I had been asked to join on a couple occasions, and declined. Figured it would bring too much drama into OUR relationship.

 

If you're not comfortable with it, I suggest finding a girl that only digs guys. Otherwise this will more than likely be a re-occurring problem.

[Enakmai]

Well if some of you who read my other post a few weeks back, it was about how my g/f slept with another female while on a trip out of the country, with another classmate, and told me as soon as she got back.[/Quote]

 

She stated she only did it because i told her i was i was alright with her bisexual views.[/Quote]

 

Sounds like complete BS to me. She wanted to have sex, and backed it up with some ridiculous statement concocted to make you feel guilty and remove responsibility from herself. It is likely she will repeat this type of act again, even if in a different manner. Applying the general concept...

 

She was very sorry for it and begged me for forgiveness, so I forgave her on it because she said she was willing to let go of that side of her and only be interested in me and no1 else and that nothing of that sort would ever happen again.[/Quote]

 

If she is willing to do it in the first place, it sounds as if she only said that to appease you. What you wanted to hear, I believe.

 

Last weekend, me her and my friend and his gf went away on a ski trip weekend. We had our own cabin. My gf just met these people for the first time. The 2nd night we were there, we all were drinking. My gf started getting a lil loose and blunt. She was acting very happy go lucky and giddy. She started putting her arm around the other girl, acting very friendly with her, acting excited around her company, tickling her, wanting me to take pictures of the two of them. She at one point blurted out, "when i drink or smoke, i get very horny." She even earlier in the evening (before drinking) looked down her pants at the other girls lingerie that she had planned for her bf, but she stated that they were talking about it earlier.

 

Explain to her that if she has these impulses, it is not acceptable to you if she has alcohol whilst simultaneously possessing the opportunities to give in to her impulses.

 

I felt very uncomfortable about it at the time, mainly because of what had just taken place a few weeks back. It made me begin wondering if this was the true her, being very close and friendly with other females, especially when under the influence. It made all confused about what she had stated to me after the japan incident, that she wouldnt act that way and was willing to let go of her lesbian ways. The part that concerns me alot is that she acts VERY different when she in under the influence of alcohol as compared to not, even when it comes to the sex between us. Shes alot more open and aggressive even with me in bed when drinking. [/Quote]

 

Again, keep her off the alcohol.

 

Then the next day, my friend actually gave me even more info, he said that at one point when i was in the kitchen, she went into the bathroom with the other girl, and asked her "if she was only straight." My friends GF felt very uncomfortable at that point, and clearly said yes she was only straight. She stated that she felt that if she said that she does go both ways, that my gf wouldve pounced on her.

[/Quote]

 

I believe your GF is a lesbian or bipolar.

 

After hearing that, i was just enraged. I couldnt believe my ears. I was totally hurt and felt disrespected once again. When i brought it to her attention, she stated that she was just being friendly with her, trying to become friends, and that she had no intentions of anything. She stated that it was just a question out of curiosity, nothing more.[/Quote]

 

Shes lying to you. I think this would seem rather obvious.

 

She said shes very friendly with females like that all the time, with her mom, sister, cousins, friends, etc.[/Quote]

 

"Mom, are you straight!? "

 

She said she wouldnt ever lie to me, and what she said a few weeks back, she meant. She said she wanted the whole weekend to be for us together, nothing else. She didnt have any thoughts towards anything of that sort. I am in a difficult position to believe her now. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to trust her at this point.

 

You don't know how to trust her at this point because you shouldn't be trusting her at this point... I'm merely dissecting and objectifying the post. Read along.

 

A part of me wants to believe her, but a part of me is very hurt and mad. I dont know what to believe at this point. I dont know if my gf is TRULLY capable of fully letting go of her bisexual nature, even if she states she has no interest in anyone but me. She stated last night when we spoke, that she still calls herself bisexual but just says that she doesnt practice it right now.[/Quote]

 

Sounds like she wants to keep a window of opportunity open. Ask yourself why. The answer? Too simple to waste my time typing this.

 

But then she also stated that if her and I were to break up, she would go back to that. This is all is very confusing. I dont know what to tihnk. I cant stand the thought of her being interested in anyone but me

At this point, even knowing that the thought might cross her mind enrages me. I dont know if deep down inside, she ever would fully let it go. I get afraid of how she might be if shes drinking, and im not around.

[/Quote]

 

Probably a lesbian or bipolar.

 

BTW, if the whole thing with her and another female didnt happen a few weeks back, i wouldnt have even thought anything of this, but the fact that it did, and especially that its sooo fresh in my mind still, is what confuses me and hurts me more than anything.[/Quote]

 

What? Is she charming, the "perfect" woman?

 

I dont know whether to stay in this relationship or not.

 

I know i prolly left out some details or what not, please ask if u need further detail on anything.

 

I'd get out.

[treefrogkate]

Enakmai, I don't know how you get to your "diagnosis" of her being a lesbian or bipolar, but I don't think it's very helpful to the OP. He already knows she is bisexual.

 

Tears, if you haven't already, please sit down and talk with her about your expectations and her expectations of what is acceptable in your relationship. I am guessing, as I have from the beginning and other people have also stated, that you had not talked about this, and may still not have been direct about what you find ok and what is a dealbreaker.

 

My boyfriend and I have an agreement that I can do whatever I'd like with women as long as he is there. She may have assumed that because you said "Oh, it's cool that you're bi" it was ok with you. Did either of you ever explicitly say "We are exclusive, and will not have sexual contact with people of either sex outside our relationship"? Just because those are your expectations does not mean that everyone has those same expectations.

[Enakmai]

Enakmai, I don't know how you get to your "diagnosis" of her being a lesbian or bipolar, but I don't think it's very helpful to the OP. He already knows she is bisexual.

 

Without any inhibition whatsoever as a result of alcohol, she shows preferences for women, uniquely so. That would seem to indicate she is possibly or likely a lesbian. It is a choice to be bisexual, I believe... you are straight and bisexual, lesbian and bisexual, or just straight or lesbian. Scientific studies support bisexuality being merely a choice and nothing that occurs biologically.

 

As for bipolar, she has erratic sexual behavior and an apparently impulsive life, even if only in specific aspects. Bisexuality is also correlated with emotional disregularities. (Bipolar or histrionic related disorders.)

[treefrogkate]

Without any inhibition whatsoever as a result of alcohol, she shows preferences for women, uniquely so. That would seem to indicate she is possibly or likely a lesbian. It is a choice to be bisexual, I believe... you are straight and bisexual, lesbian and bisexual, or just straight or lesbian. Scientific studies support bisexuality being merely a choice and nothing that occurs biologically.

 

As for bipolar, she has erratic sexual behavior and an apparently impulsive life, even if only in specific aspects. Bisexuality is also correlated with emotional disregularities. (Bipolar or histrionic related disorders.)

 

I'm sorry if I came off a little harsh. I just don't think it's possible to know from one person's side of the story that the girl has mental problems just because she baby talks and like girls.

 

I can understand that there is usually a gender preference when one is bisexual, but she's with him, isn't she? If she says she's willing to give up being with girls, then that's that. She just needs to live up to that promise.

 

I think the OP needs to decide whether he is ok with her being bisexual, and also if he can get over the fact that she (cheated? didn't understand the boundaries of the relationship since they were never discussed?).

[Enakmai]

I'm sorry if I came off a little harsh. I just don't think it's possible to know from one person's side of the story that the girl has mental problems just because she baby talks and like girls.

 

I can understand that there is usually a gender preference when one is bisexual, but she's with him, isn't she? If she says she's willing to give up being with girls, then that's that. She just needs to live up to that promise.

 

I think the OP needs to decide whether he is ok with her being bisexual, and also if he can get over the fact that she (cheated? didn't understand the boundaries of the relationship since they were never discussed?).

 

I come accross as very objective. I don't see it as harsh.

 

Being bisexual isn't an issue. It is her true preference that is the issue. In normal cases, it would be irrelevant, but if she is going to give in to her natural desires, those desires will correspond with her preference. As for the boundaries of the relationship, if you don't know them, you act conservatively. You don't do whatever you want. This woman played him on that case, and I'd hope you agree.

[treefrogkate]

As for the boundaries of the relationship, if you don't know them, you act conservatively. You don't do whatever you want. This woman played him on that case, and I'd hope you agree.

 

It would really depend on how she brought up her being bisexual and how he responded, and we don't know what transpired there. I can see if he was very enthusiastic about her being bisexual and said that he was ok with her being bisexual and didn't state "but I expect you not to have sex with girls", it could have come accross that he was ok with her sleeping with girls (I would have asked for clarification on that point, but then I'm me and not her).

 

I agree that she should have clarified the boundaries instead of assuming it was ok, but from the way the OP said she told him really soon after, and straight up said "Hey, I had sex with a girl!" instead of either hiding it or being ashamed of it, it makes me think that she didn't think he would have a problem with it.

[Lboogie23]

I read your previous thread, and if your girlfriend really is bisexual, its not something that she can just ignore. Even if she wanted to , her real feelings will always come out eventually.Like when she's drunk.

I'm sorry your going through this, i can imagine how frusterating it must be for you as i'm sure you love your girlfriend very much. But the reality is, maybe you should have a serious chat with your gf and find out for real if thats really who she is. Because if it is, and she tries to hamper her feelings to spare yours, then she will only resent you in the end. Try to open minded, and not too judgemental. I know it hurts you, but these kinda things are really out of our control. good luck to you.