Need help resolving this for myself

[Daligal83]

I seem to have less free time or opportunities to go out than my boyfriend. He doesn't have class on Friday and his program is a lot more social than mine. I always go out at least once a weekend, but that's all I feel I have time for. Even though he works part-time and is in a much harder program, somehow I need to stay in one night a weekend to do work. Even if I didn't though...I don't really get invited out.

 

I'm happy he's having fun and want that for him. The thing is, I get jealous I think. It's not that I don't want him to go out, but I'm jealous that his friends get to have fun with him while I can't. Even when we do get to see each other, we don't always go out like he does with his friends. That's because either we're both at home and it's not as convenient because we have to end up going to our parent's houses or because we plan other things instead. Also, I'm not the big partier type. I usually have one or two drinks when I go out, and sometimes drink more but it's not often. He's not big on it either but he still does it a lot more than I do. Like he was here last weekend and we went to see a play, which was a lot of fun but not the same thing as I'm talking about. I feel like it's not fair that these people get to have all this fun with him and I rarely get that opportunity.

 

I mean we have an amazing time when we're together and it's not an issue that I want to be at a bar. I just don't want him to see his friends as the people in his life that he has fun with and have myself not be included in that category. I'm sure this is all in my head and it's just an issue of being long distance, which will no longer be an issue in a few months.

 

Any advice on how to deal with this? He went out last night and was out late and I went to the gym this morning and had class so I was in bed by 11. Tonight I think he's going out too, but I have to stay in to do work even though I was invited out. Tomorrow night I have plans, which will help...but I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

[Beec]

I bet he would like you there with him some of the time too. If he enjoys being wiht you, he enjoys being with you. Not all the time, he will need nights out without you, but not all that many.

 

I really don't see a way to work on this unless you find a way to reallocate your time. But when you are free, what does he do?

 

This really seems more like a fear related to losing him, instead of a fear that he is having fun without you. He should always have fun, with or without you, but it seems like this is an issue that he will grow away from you because he is not having fun.

 

Also, I don't mind when she shows up while I am out with the guys, but that's not really what I want in a woman. It's ok, but I;d rather she leave the serious drinking to someone with more training, me.

[Daligal83]

Thanks Beec. I think you're right in that some of it has to do with a fear of losing him, which is ridiculous on my part because I know how in love with me he is. Just to clarify though, we are in a long distance relationship. We live about 3 1/2 hours apart and don't get to see each other that often. So it's not an issue of him spending time with them rather than me or reallocating time. It's just that we aren't able to spend that time together. I plan on moving to where he lives (which is where I went to undergrad) after I graduate in April though, so this won't always be a problem for me.

[Batya33]

It's all in how you define "fun." I think it is far far more fun to see a play with my boyfriend and talk about it after than to go to a noisy crowded bar or party where people are drinking. Perhaps it's our age difference - when I was in my early 20s, that is what my boyfriend thought was "fun" and I didn't and was jealous that he had this posse of people to go have "fun" with.

 

It just sounds like you have different interests and that you are assuming that when he is with you he doesn't have fun.

 

I also think that since you are only 3.5 hours apart you should be able to see each other at least 3 times a month. You're both so lucky to be in school because that gives far more flexibility to travel.

[Daligal83]

Well most of our ideas of fun are the same. He may just be going to hang out with some friends, not necessarily out to the bar. It still just sucks that I can't be there. We had a great time at the play and that was actually at his request that we go to it. So it's not really what he's doing I guess..it's more that I can't do whatever it is with him.

 

We unfortunately can't see each other that often. He works all day on Sundays and I don't have a car to get to him. Also, with how much work we have it isn't always possible. Like I was thinking of taking the bus to see him next weekend, but I wouldn't get there until late Friday night, we'd both have to study for most of Saturday, and then he has to work all day sunday. It's not a lot of time. Plus I have my licensure exam coming up (praying I pass) and it's kind of taking over my life, or at least should be haha.

 

Last semseter we saw each other every 2-3 weeks. He came here this past weekend but had to leave early because of weather and I hadn't seen him for a month. I won't see him again until beginning of March, but then we plan on spending about 5 days together becaues of our spring breaks.

[Batya33]

OK - is there a way you can see each other and get work done in the same room or sitting near each other in the library? i do understand very well about the pressures of studying. I didn't see a bf once for two or three weeks while I was preparing for grad school exams and he lived close by.

 

All the best of luck on your licensing exam!!

[Daligal83]

There is...we're actually pretty good about it if we just go to the library because we both take school very seriously. It's just hard to justify spending all that moeny and 6 hours on a bus each way to basically study together. Not saying he's not worth it, but since I have so much going on right now it's not the smartest idea.

 

Most of the time I'm fine, but it's just nights when I'm staying in for one reason or another and he's out having all this fun, I get kinda down. I just have to remember though that that's about me, not him. Last night he was going to an art musuem and out to eat at a falafel bar (lucky him!) and he was saying how he wishes I was there, so I know it's not that he doesn't have fun with me too. I think it just comes down to missing him so much, you know?

 

Thanks about the exam I'm getting really nervous. You need a 70 to pass in this state and people are getting in the low 70's...but to get licensed in the state I'm returning to you need a 75. I don't know if that'll happen.

[sweetheart607]

i don't know if this will help but me and my boyfriend have a similar thing except i am the one who goes out a lot more than him but the main reason i go out with my mates is cos i like to do things to take my mind off how long it is till he is coming next. i am not saying i don't have a great time with my mates i do and i would quite happily share it with him and do when he is around but i think when ur in a ldr you need to have a life and do things you enjoy otherwise i'd go mad it passes time. sometimes he wonders why i still go out i can tell he sometimes worries about me and he always likes me to tell him when i get in but he would never stop me and u can tell that i love him it's not a question of my friends or him its just about me living my life in a ldr you have to have separate lives but i share mine with him and he laughs at my stories even tho we can't always do stuff together and i can have fun without him. i love him and we have so much fun when we're together there is no question of preference its just makes me happier. i am not sure if that will help or if it makes any sense but good luck. it sounds like you're fine its the distance it does crazy things to your brain some times and i don't know about u but i worry about the sillyiest things and when i tell him he tells me that i am being silly and he makes me feel better.