My thoughts and LTR and failure of Same

[Ronbo3g]

Hi All,

I am new to this forum, but found it very interesting and decided to join and share some of my thoughts and get some feed back on my view point. All good dialogue starts with a premise and goes from there.

 

After have lived almost half a century and having been in several LTR that have failed I wanted to post my thoughts on what I have observed in my friends and co-workers relationships and mine.

 

Current research and statistics show that in the United States;

44% of marriages end in Divorce, and that Married people are happier then single, but that number drops when you add in kids. What does this all mean? Also, About 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in some marriage, "Monogamy Myth", Therapist Peggy Vaugn

 

Well, in my pseudo research of talking with my married and single friends, but also from just people watching in the office and airports, planes, etc., I have come to an interesting conclusion. Most people I run accross are not happy in their relationships, maybe not walk out the door unhappy, but unhappy non the less.

 

The main causes I see out there are:

Once in a relationship both men and women let them selves go. By this I see a large percentage that have neglected personal grooming (weight, skin care, hair, etc) who dress like slobs, and also act that way. Sweats may be ok in the house (I think not, only wear if you are at the gym) but you should never leave the house like that. Men dressed in any kind of clothing with words on it, same for women in stretch pants, or sneakers. All you have to do is think back to when you had been dating and how you dressed and groomed and then look in the mirror and ask yourself, would I date the person in the mirror?

 

Second, women once they have kids place them first, then the husband distant second or even third behind the other things in life. What’s up with this! You ignore your supposed life partner, have not time for him, do everything for the kids first, and then wonder why he had an affair. Wake up, kids are nice, but I think we need to change the order of priority and ensure you make time for yourselves first, time for sex, talking, dating. The kids will survive with a babysitter, or even god forbid, only doing 4 sports instead of 6.

 

Last one I will comment on hear today is communications – it seems by year 3 men just listen and women dictate. I have seen so many men afraid to have a pair. And women, you married this guy because he was interesting, unique, and loving. Why or why that once we are married you want us to stop being the person we where and try and change us. I see so many men afraid to do anything, or they need to get permission, come on, you would think we are all idiots that cannot think and do things on our own. But men, this also means you must communicate, not dictate what your plans are. Women, we are not dolts, but a majority seem to be treated that way, and men, women are not household servants, so do laundry, clean the house, and cook. This should be a shared life, not hell.

 

So I will be interested to see the comments on this, and other peoples observations on what is going on.

 

Ron

[laboheme]

Once in a relationship both men and women let them selves go. By this I see a large percentage that have neglected personal grooming (weight, skin care, hair, etc) who dress like slobs, and also act that way. Sweats may be ok in the house (I think not, only wear if you are at the gym) but you should never leave the house like that. Men dressed in any kind of clothing with words on it, same for women in stretch pants, or sneakers. All you have to do is think back to when you had been dating and how you dressed and groomed and then look in the mirror and ask yourself, would I date the person in the mirror?[/Quote]

 

So many people would dismiss this as superficial, but it's so true! Yes, there is definitely a certain charm to being able to wear sweatpants around your partner, because it shows that you're that comfortable with him/her, but it's only special when done every once in a while! There are those times when lounging in flannel pajamas sounds great to both people, and that's wonderful...But once you neglect your personal grooming, you are basically saying that you're taking the other person for granted and that they don't deserve the extra effort...AND you may be doing a disservice to yourself as well in terms of your health. Take weight, for example...in quite a few cases, it's not that people are turned off by a few extra pounds, it's that they are concerned about their partner's health -- and quite likely turned off by the fact that the partner doesn't care about it.

 

My parents are definitely guilty of this...My dad is quite out of shape, and my mom sees it as a reflection of his character that he's not willing to take care of himself...same thing goes for his sloppy clothing...There are times when she willingly puts on ratty shorts and does gardenwork with him, but it disgusts her that he doesn't care enough to wear something presentable when he goes out in public.

 

Second, women once they have kids place them first, then the husband distant second or even third behind the other things in life. What’s up with this! You ignore your supposed life partner, have not time for him, do everything for the kids first, and then wonder why he had an affair. Wake up, kids are nice, but I think we need to change the order of priority and ensure you make time for yourselves first, time for sex, talking, dating. The kids will survive with a babysitter, or even god forbid, only doing 4 sports instead of 6.

 

Honestly, I'm terrified of this happening to me! Your partner is supposed to be the most important person in your life along with your kids, and while yes, some concessions have to be made to accommodate a new and very much loved person in the household, every relationship book that I've looked through explicitly says that one of the best gifts you can give your children is having a good relationship with your spouse. (I'm not even going to go into a long-winded discussion of how so many parents spend so much time with their kids that the kids never learn to be independent. Spending some time away from them and with your spouse will do them a favor later on in life!) However, I think that it's not just women who are to blame...There are definitely fathers who are guilty of neglecting their wives in order to spend time with the children...Basically all the things you said go both ways in some respects...

[Ronbo3g]

You make some very good observations for a twenty something, I think you will be fine. As to the weight gain issue, I do not want to offend any one, but I am very straight forward on my thoughts and speak about what I see. It is both the males and the females I see out of shape, and I am not talking those extrat 10lbs, but the 20, 30, and onward pounds that is the love killer. I am pushing 50, and still weigh within 10lbs of what I did when I left the Army (175) at 5' 11" and still have a 33" waist. But when I see men in there 20's and 30's topping out over 200lbs it concerns me, they say pride is a sin, I do not agree, I think you should be taking pride in how you look. The flip side is the women I have meet before kids and then after kids when I have seen them again. A high percentage of those I see at dinner parties and other social events stay 20 to 30 lbs over weight, and then the second one comes along, and bang, even more extra weight, and it does not seem to bother them, and that I can not understand. These are the same women who dressed sharpe pre kids, and now look like slobs in the post kid min van stage. And that my friends, is what can cause an affair, or a divorce.

 

Having read through alot of the posts here I see a thread of common complaints, so my questions is, How do we keep balance in our lives, love the kids, but at the sametime love your spouse and your self even more. Men wake up and smell your arm pits, bealching, scratching, and belt overhang is NOT Sexy. The lest I can do is crusade for my fellow males to clean up there act and themselves.

 

Ron