Should i have this baby?

[chocojay]

Im about 5-6 weeks pregnant, im engaged to the father of my baby who is an absolute casanova! i tried to save this relationship but somehow he thinks having other girls on the side is okay. well today its a really heavy day, im supposed to go the doctor for my first check and he knew about it the whole week and only now, at this very moment he tells me that there isnt enough money in the medical aid for me to go! If i'd known earlier i would've made a plan! Well i know that the first weeks are the most crucial, thats why i worry. Last year we lost our daughter who was born at 28 weeks, she survived for two weeks. So this time i know that chances of having a good pregnancy are either / or, as my amniotic fluid was too little the first time. My doctor told me that it could happen again. Im scared and now i need to know whats going on. It was also contributed by my smoking which i should kick, i know. Im sad that i didnt go and angry that he didnt tell me in time! I want to leave this guy and im scared to go through this pregnancy, im starting to question if i should have it all. I wanted to move to Dubai and my plans were stopped because of this baby. It seems like if i dont that baby i could a lot of peace! Any advise?

[Jetta]

You fiance does not sound the least bit supportive of you or this pregnancy. Leaving him is a good idea. Are you prepared to be a single mother? Do you think you two could raise this child together if you do stay? It sounds like you may have another difficult pregnancy, if you choose to remain pregnant. You'd need his support and you don't have it.

 

The stress alone is bad for a baby and a healthy pregnancy is just so important. I know the stress I endured during my pregnancy with my son is partially to blame for his behavior problems now, some is genetic, some is pregnancy related. It's very important to take care of yourself and the growing baby (fetus now) to the best of your ability. So much can happen. If you're in the US. get on state medical to cover the visits. If you don't plan to keep this baby do this sooner rather than later.

[robowarrior]

Don't smoke during pregnancy , you'd be already killing your child before its born, along with that you shouldn't smoke at all, i had a gazillion family members die by cancer and trust me its NOT something you want, happening either to your baby, yourself or your bf, who is a irrisponsible (insert degrading remark here) and that's probably why he's saying there isn't any money, well bad luck mister its your child you need to take care of it and provide it with the money so that it can have a future and be born safely on this world. I wouldn't try any efforts to save the relationship. If he isn't loyal to you, and doesn't put you as his nr.1, then you don't want to be with him to begin with. So all in all its HIM who seems to be the problem in all of this, removing him from your life in trade for someone who's loyal and sticks with you thru good and bad times.

[BrokenHeart82]

This might not be a popular answer or the one im looking for..but YOUR MAN should not influence whether or not you have a child.

 

Are you ready? Are you willing to do what it takes to ensure the best possible chances of a healthy pregnancy? DO you want this baby?

 

His actions are weak, he doesnt seem at all supportive (and then again, not to excuse him, but he may be being unsupportive because he is depressed of his last childs passing?)

 

But when it comes down to it, YOU need to be responsible. Stop the smoking, no excuses...if you are pregnant and still not willing to stop, YOU are the selfish one, not him.

[rocio]

Hi Coco,

 

All I can say regarding your decision to keep the baby is this - it's ok if you decide to terminate. And it's ok if you decide to become a mom. Totally your choice. Neither decision is wrong.

 

It's not the end of the world if you miss your doctor's visit. I'm not saying it's unimportant, but in the big picture it probably won't change anything. The most important thing right now is that you start taking prenatal vitamins immediately. You can get them at any regular store without a prescription and the cheap ones are just as good as the expensive brands.

 

Don't stress too much about the smoking. Honestly, it's doing you more harm than it's doing the baby. It's not nearly as bad as other things you could be doing - like drinking alcohol. Drinking alcohol leads to all kinds of birth defects, including mental retardation. Smoking, on the other hand, can lead to a low birth weight for the baby and that's about it. It's bad and you should quit. But it doesn't cause birth defects. If you're unable to quit cold turkey, cut back as much as possible until you've made your final decision about the baby. Smoke outside of the house or car, and try to only smoke half a cigarette at a time.

 

And even if your relationship with your bf isn't going to work, you need to tell him that it's his responsibility to take care of this. He NEEDS to find you the money to see a doctor - whether it's to terminate or continue the pregnancy. Either way.

[AwdreeHpburn]

This might not be a popular answer or the one im looking for..but YOUR MAN should not influence whether or not you have a child.

 

Yep - guess you're right. I don't think its a good answer and here's why....

 

Is this guy not the FATHER of the child??

 

If he's not, I would agree he shouldn't influence her decision, but if it IS HIS child, then he has HALF the say....don't ya think? Seeing as he did HALF the making and when its born he'll be HALF responsible?

 

Shouldn't he be HALF of the decision???

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It sounds like he doesn't want this child... he would find some way to find the money, and certainly not just spring it on you at the last minute...

 

i would have a serious talk with him about what his commitment is to you and the baby... especially if it is going to be a difficult pregnancy, you need medical attention.

 

try to quit smoking, but if you are having a really hard time, at least cut back to maybe 3 a day, something your body might be able to process better than a fullblown smoking habit... the less you smoke the better, so cut back some every day, til you're down to nothing...

 

re: keeping the baby or not, are you prepared to be a mother and to support this child, and if not, could you get sufficient support from your boyfriend, legally? (i.e., child support order that he will pay). And do you really want to be a mother, and have a support system of other people to help you? There are lots of single mothers these days who do fine, but you also have to consider whether you are in a position to care for a child or not... Adoption is an option of course, but you need to work through everything in your head before deciding.

 

it is also the toughest decision, so please try to talk it out with your boyfriend and those who care about you. but really if he is not committed enough to you to see you thru a pregnancy, then regardless of your decision about the baby, i would consider breaking up with him and moving on with your life and careers plans...

[arwen]

Hey sweetie,

 

I think there are two problems, that together create a third.

 

1. First of all, you are engaged to a man who doesn't seem the least bit committed. That may be due to age or other things, but that's in fact irrelevant. The issue is why you want to be with him and said yes when he proposed.

 

2. You are pregnant with a history of an early born who died, which is emotionally incredibly hard (I am so sorry girl... )

 

3. You are with a man who does not offer you the basics you need to have a foundation for a family. And that is what you are experiencing now I think.

 

I think that there are different options according to these problems. The best is to opt for the one that benefits all the parties, but most of all yourself.

 

1. you can do this on your own (after all, it takes two to get pregnant, and if you don't wanted that, how did you let it happen? I assume that the guy is not abusing you, forgive me if that is the case.). That means probably no Dubai for now, breaking up with him, arrange all that is needed (he's the father so you need to ask him how he wants to be involved. It's your right to break up with him, but not to deny him his parental rights).

 

2.a. you consider an abortion and break up with him. Also in that case, I think it's best to do this in agreement with him. Again, he IS the father.

 

2.b. you find out if this relationship has a future, but first decide if regardless of that future you want to raise a child with him. In that case you could stay together but decide for an abortion (I am not saying I'd recommend abortion, but this is an option and it's up to you and him to decide that)

 

3. You and him stay together and have the baby, both of you taking full responsibility for your child and try to find a way to create a stable relationship (counselling might be good for that).

 

I know you are torn apart now. I wish I could do more for you, but I can just offer you my views and send you my best wishes. Please drop the cigarettes now. You have no idea how much you deprive your baby with them... babies are significantly smaller when born out of smoking moms, and come in the world with nicotine in their systems. I know that that is not what you want to hear, and I know from experience how hard quitting is, esp. in the stressful times. Smoking actually increases your stress levels, read the book of Allan Carr. It will help you lots.

 

Hugs,

 

Arwen

[KaEdYnZMoMmi]

If you plan on having this baby I think if would be in your and your unborn childs best interest to leave this CASANOVA. I to was in a similar situation about 4 years ago. I was in love with a man who was loving everyone else. And one night while I was 6 months pregnant and caught my man (ex) with another woman and got upset and kicked him out. All the stress had caused me to go into labor @ 26 months. My baby was healthy fortunalty but she could have died. And when we discuss the situation his excuse was "You were pregnant you should have stayed at home and this would not have happened". Needless to say I am no longer with him and raising our 3 year old all alone. We are happy and healthy!

[BrokenHeart82]

Yep - guess you're right. I don't think its a good answer and here's why....

 

Is this guy not the FATHER of the child??

 

If he's not, I would agree he shouldn't influence her decision, but if it IS HIS child, then he has HALF the say....don't ya think? Seeing as he did HALF the making and when its born he'll be HALF responsible?

 

Shouldn't he be HALF of the decision???

 

Yeah I figured my answer would get misinterpreted, which is why I came back to check on the thread.

 

Hes the father so yes he has a say..im not condoning running to an abortion clinic and terminating a pregnancy with him none the wiser.

 

Simply saying that if she wants a baby she should be doing anything in her power to assure a healthy pregnancy...instead of stressing about his actions.

 

I am not trying to be insensitive at all..I feel for the poster...shes lost a child, shes pregnant again and probably dealing with both the fear of this babys future health AS WELL as fears dealing with lack of support (emotional and otherwise) from the father.

[redpoppy99]

This may come off badly but it's my opinion:

 

You made your decisions and followed them through. Now is time to deal with the consequences. There is medicaid for to-be mothers who can't afford health insurance... There are clinics, too. There is SO much out there to help someone in your situation. If you don't want to keep the baby, there are couples out there who have dreamed for a long time for a child. Why not make their dream come true? Terminating a pregnancy is a selfish act... and the consequences of that are with you for the rest of your life. Everytime the guessed birth date passes of the child you never had, how do you think you'll feel? It's a burden that too many women don't realize comes with pregnancy termination. So, have the baby FOR YOU- then you can decide whether or not you are ready to be it's mother... if not, adoption!! Do it for your peace of mind if nothing else.

[redpoppy99]

Yep - guess you're right. I don't think its a good answer and here's why....

 

Is this guy not the FATHER of the child??

 

If he's not, I would agree he shouldn't influence her decision, but if it IS HIS child, then he has HALF the say....don't ya think? Seeing as he did HALF the making and when its born he'll be HALF responsible?

 

Shouldn't he be HALF of the decision???

 

Sure he did half the making but who's going through the entire ordeal? Not the father. He shouldn't be an influence especially if he is not taking responsibility. That doesn't sound like a good father to me. There's a phrase that I myself use for my real father- SPERM DONOR!!!

[sophie274]

I would like to say that termination is not an intrinsically selfish act. There are many many reasons a woman would choose to have one - some may be selfish, many are not. The fact is that you have to be willing to raise a child; it will not just raise itself. There are many women who decide to have terminations because it is the RIGHT decision for them, and they absolutely do not regret their decisions after the fact. I believe several women on this board have been through with this and are very happy with their decisions.

 

OP: I don't really know how to advise you for this (too young!), but if you do decide to keep the pregnancy you will have to be ready to be a single mother. Definitely take plenty of time to think about this and think about how you would feel in each case. Lots of hugs and support your way - this must be a very tough time for you.

[isisastaria]

I wouldn't judge someone else for having an abortion, but it isn't for me. That would be something to think long and hard about. Yes, men have a say in what happens to their child. They also have a CHOICE when it comes to making a child and being responsible. I was left with my firstborn, and the father could never possibly IMAGINE what that did to the very core of my SOUL. I know other single parents can relate to what I am saying.

 

This man, unfortunately, sounds like the type who would tell you to keep the baby, and then bail. I know because that is what happened to me. He sounds just like my ex.

 

Just be prepared to do it yourself. Do NOT count on this man. He is they type that when this gets to be a "DRAG", he will leave the child. He is already leaving you and the child by being with other women