Nearly posted in 'Infidelity'

[IceBright81]

Hi,

 

I've got a problem (who hasn't?!) I've been reading some related posts here for a couple of hours now, but have decided to register and post for myself because I think I need some specific advice.

 

 

The background is, of course, a very VERY long story - but I'll try to keep it brief...

 

I'm a 25 year old guy. I've been with my girlfriend for about two and a half years. I like to experiment - that's the type of personality I have. Take the phrase "sex, drugs & rock 'n' roll"...

 

Part 2, drugs

Back in the days when I was at university I enjoyed alcohol in that way which students often do, I used cannabis on and off, and I tried a few 'legal highs' which had mild hallucenogenic effects. The legal highs were just pathetic but I'm both glad and proud to have found that out for myself, the cannabis was a lot of fun, but it came with plenty of downsides too so after a short while I stopped using it. It's been over three years since I've touched anything of the like. I've experimented enough, had my own experiences and now my curiosity is satisfied.

 

Part 3, rock 'n' roll

During my teens I had very eclectic music tastes. Looking back, some of it was god-awful rubbish, some of it was so good to anyone's ears that it got labeled 'mainstream' and some of it sounded great to me while my friends didn't really see the appeal. These days there's only a small handful of bands that I listen to regularly and my music taste is very unique to me - but it took a lot of experimenting to whittle those hundreds of bands down to the handful of sounds and stylings that I enjoy today.

 

What I'm getting at is - I experiment first, then settle into a pattern that I can relate to and appreciate in terms of a broader field of experience. I believe I need (and probably we all need) "a frame of reference" to truly enjoy something.

 

 

You'll have noticed that I skipped over 'Part 1, sex' ...

 

Soon after puberty I noticed some things that made me terribly uncomfortable with my body, I wont go into details to save time and embarrasment, suffice to say that I was ashamed of what was hidden beneth my clothes, this lead to a fear of any physical contact, and the whole situation was not sorted out until my early twenties and it took both surgery and a long-term course of medication!

 

From the age of about 15 to 21 I had to watch all of my friends flirting, kissing, dating, and having lots of casual sex (obviously I didn't literally have to watch them having sex!!!) Meanwhile, I would sit in the corner at parties thinking up new excuses to turn down the advances of the sexy young girls that seemed to surround me.

 

I was 23 years old before I finally gained any confidence in my adult body. Around this time there were four or five young women, ranging from about 17 to 25 that seemed interested in me and would engage in flirting, and what's more there was one in particular that I was espically fond of - a smart, sexy and cheery 22 year old. I plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date - she accepted, we went out and had a wonderful time. We went on a second date and then a third. When we had been going out for about three weeks we slept together and that was the night I lost my virginity. At 23 years old! Naturally, I was on top of the world. Such a weight off my shoulders! I had been surprised (plesently surprised) to find she was quite adventerous in the bedroom. She wanted to set up distinct ground rules for a plethora of sexual activities that were permitted and define just a few activities that were not. She wanted to set up safty words. I was inexperienced and out of my depth so without making a point of it we just had simple, regular sex. She mentioned to me some of her pervious sexual conquests... she lost her virginity at 15 years old, she'd had several sexual partners - some just casual sex and some in meaningful relationships, she'd tried more positions and sex acts than I knew of, she'd had threesomes - both types i.e. two girls and one guy and also herself and two guys. I kept it quiet at this early stage in our relationship but I was shocked and nausious to think that my girlfriend had, in the past, had sex with two guys at once - I struggled to not picture it and always felt wretched when I did.

 

Well, anyway, time moved on and we got closer. We started declaring our love for each other and now two and a half years on we're still together. We've been entirely faithful to each other all the way, and I happy to say that I'm now just as adventerous as her in the bedroom.

 

Wow - when I started this post I said I'd keep it brief. Sorry! Stay with me, we're almost there!...

 

I love my girlfriend and she loves me. One day I intend to marry her. But even though we're now equally sexually adventerous I feel something is missing. She is the only person I have ever had any sexual experience with! I don't know the exact number but I'm quite sure that her past sexual partners number in the double figures. If I were a perfect saint then this imbalance wouldn't bother me, but nobody's perfect and it does bother me! And besides, even if I were the first and only person that she had ever slept with I would still have a massive problem... my personality type requires that I experiment, get a frame of reference, and then settle down to soemthing that I can be confident is the right thing for me.

 

I'm 25, and I'll turn 26 later this year. That's leaving it really quite late to go getting my Teenage Kicks, and I'm not gonna get any younger! But it is somethig I need to do.

 

With my 20-20 hindsight I can see that back when I got my sexual confidence and there were four or five interested parties, I should have had casual sex with one or two of the others and then persued the one that I felt an emotional bond with.

 

So...

 

Sleep around? Have a few one-night-stands behind her back?

NO! I cannot do it. I love and respect her to much and I could never hurt her.

 

Break up with her? Go sew my wild oats for a few months?

If you think that then you haven't understood the part where I said I love her and one day intend to marry her. I intend to be with her from now until death-do-us-part.

 

Ignore the problem and hope it goes away?

Nope! Not healthy. I've only got one life to to live and on a cosmic sacle it's just a flash in the pan. A bat of an eyelid. I intend to cram it full of rich and varied experiences - that's just who I am. I need to do that.

 

That, I believe, only leaves me with one option

Talk to her about the idea of an open relationship. Eeeek!

 

Now this is where I need the help. I don't think either of us would like the idea of the other sleeping with some stranger, we're not what you'd call 'natural' swingers! But, we're fairly adventureous and open to new things in the beedroom - and it would allow me to lift this heavy and wretched burden. But I'm too proud to tell her about my problem and too frightened that asking this of her could ruin our relationship - a previous boyfriend once cheated on her and it's left some lasting emotional damage... I'm concerned that this'll only dredge up those feelings in her and she won't be able to get past it. I feel so boxed in!!!

 

Please help,

 

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

 

M

 

p.s. Sorry this post is so damn long! Thanks for reading it!

[Drizown]

Are you a writer? I enjoyed reading the post its creatively written. Just to add that in.

 

If she was open to 3somes before... wouldn't she be now. And possibly introducing a new female variable into the equation could that not satisfy your need for experience?

 

Other than that you've pretty much outruled everything. You don't want to talk to her about it, you dont want to cheat (cudos on that, I'm against cheating in all forms).

 

Honestly... talking to her about it is what I personally would do. If she's your partner and you love and respect her and you do intend to marry her, then one must assume she knows you pretty well and is understanding of you. Explaining this to her, and her being the sexually experienced female she is could possibly shine some light on your situation. You said you won't talk to her out of pride. Put away your pride and trust yourself to your partner.

[IceBright81]

I'm not a writer, but thanks for the compliment!

 

I think that talking to her about an open relationship is the way to go. I don't think that either of us would like to share a 3some because it'd be too much for her to actually see me with someone else and vica-verca.

 

My problem is that I'm lost for words, I was hoping someone might have been through a similar thing (or know someone else who has) and had some advice on how to bring it up in conversation.

 

I would like to be quite a traditional type of person... eventually. A one-woman kind of guy. But I'm not there yet - so I feel that I should suggest something

 

Maybe that 2007 be an open year, but then we go back to being exclusively a couple by 2008. Is that too weird? Too strict? I dunno!

[HellFrost666]

I agree that your post was very well written.

 

If you are going to talk to her about opening up your relationship I just warn you to be careful. I have known couples who have opened things up, and their relationship was destroyed as a result. Be aware of the gamble you are taking if she decides to go with your idea.

[melrich]

I think you have to really think about what you are asking for and whether you could actually handle it.

 

Also, the fact that she is more experienced and has tried various combinations in the past does not necessarily mean she is going to be thrilled by the prospect of an open relationship.

 

She is in a different place now.

 

Sure talk about your feelings with her. See how she responds. But make sure you can handle whatever it is you finally agree upon.

[MissTee]

I don't know what your girlfriend is like as a girlfriend but I know what I'm like and if my boyfriend proposed the idea of an open relationship, my likely response would be "If you want to around then you can get " End of discussion.

 

But like I said, I don't know your girlfriend.

[doyathink]

It's your choice...but think of this. what if she agrees to this and starts seeing another dude and FALLS FOR HIM?

[MissTee]

I just want to add that just the thought of my boyfriend, the man that I share a home with and a life with, with another woman makes me feel physically ill.

 

In my own opinion, if she were to agree to an open relationship, she would need to be very detached from your relationship, from your love and from you to not be hurt by what you are doing with other women.

 

It's just not right. To go from a beautiful, faithful and loving relationship between two people for 2 and a half years, to sleeping with other people. All for the sake of experience?? Mate, it's not worth it.

 

Don't cheapen, and possibly ruin, what you already have.

[IceBright81]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for all your responses.

 

think about what you are asking for and whether you could actually handle it.

 

the thought of my boyfriend ... with another woman makes me feel physically ill.

 

I totally see this point, but the other side of the coin I have already described above. This is my dialemma. She has introduced things (toys and roleplay situations and the like) into our sex lives that I have not been thrilled with but have given them a go (although obviously none of these things have involved sharing the experience with another person). I mentioned above the that knowledge that she has had sex with two men at once makes me physically ill but I have to deal with that. I don't whish that she never had that experience - far from it! I'm honestly happy for her. I'm proud of it. I'm even jealous. If say, some bump on the head gave her some form of amnesia and she forgot that night and that experience and the doctors said she's fine but will never regain those memories (absurd, I know, but go with it)... well, I'd feel really bad about that. Part of me would even want her to go and do it again - she plucked up the courage to try it in the first place and she deserves the memories and the experience. Part of me would hate that idea - part of me would want to carve the feelings of anguish into my arm with a razor blade! But that's because that's the one experience of hers that I really have trouble with. Re-doing some of her other experiences would still bother me - but much much less.

 

 

 

what if she agrees to this and starts seeing another dude and FALLS FOR HIM?

 

I really don't think this could happen, and I also really don't think I could fall for another woman. If we saw other people it would be like us each using a new sex toy. Our relationship is about so much more than just sex. She wouldn't be going to the movies with this other guy, she wouldn't be sharing her innermost thoughts with this other guy, she wouldn't be giving or asking for career advice, to name just a few examples. All these things and hundreds more are ours and ours alone.

 

 

 

Also, the fact that she is more experienced and has tried various combinations in the past does not necessarily mean she is going to be thrilled by the prospect of an open relationship.

 

I think that she has a slight suspicion that I feel bad about her having a ton of experiences of other people while I have none. I'm a little concerned that if I did propose a couple of months where our relationship was more open (and let's assume for a moment that she agreed to the idea) that she wouldn't be at all interested in gaining more experiences for herself - she'd feel "been there, done that" and she wouldn't act on the oppertunity. She'd just keep herself to herself and wait for me to finish experimenting. I don't know that, maybe she'd screw a bunch of guys and have a wail of a time.

 

 

 

I think maybe she'd be 'seven out of ten' unhappy for us to do this for the months around and after the period of openness, and I'd be 'nine out of ten' unhappy for us to not do it for the rest of our relationship (maybe that's the rest of my life). So in a totally selfish way it makes sense - but being selfish is no way to live!

 

let's look at this another way. Just suppose I told her how I feel and gave her some time to think about it... and then she was the one who came to these forums and described the whole situstion, not me. What advice would you give her?

 

 

 

Thanks again for all your time.

[MissTee]

I would tell her to run a mile and that her boyfriend doesn't respect her or love her enough to be faithful to her.

 

You either want to be in a relationship or not.

 

Not many girls will let you have it both ways and even if they did, the relationship will probably be ruined by the end of the "open period" anyway.

[Goblin]

Icebright....getting close physically to strangers in a relationship is dangerous to the heart. Youre only inviting emotional pain coz the heart may says no but the body may say yes so it could ruin ur relationship.

 

Besides all of us can only have one special person in our one heart. More than that is not true love. Its probably infatuation or just interest in some other things.

 

Seriously, I think sleeping with other strangers is just not wise. Im sure most of us here are against that. It may not hurt u or ur partner because u both love adventure but it may hurt that other person. Someone will get hurt and what goes around comes around.

 

So be true to ur partner, control this sex drive and life will be more colorful. It may sounds like a fairy tale to you but couples have so much lower tendency of divorce or separation when they are with this discipline.

 

Good luck bro.

[addictedblue]

i don't understand you. i mean i see that she's going to be the only girl you'll ever be with. but if you're sexually satisfied and have tried all sorts of things with her and love her and want to be with her until forever then why do you feel the need to pause and sleep with someone else?? she isn't enough?? sex is different than drugs and rock 'n' roll. if you're truly happy with her i don't understand how you'd have desires to create pointless experience with other women. what if the roles were reversed and she randomly wanted to take a break for a year with you?? if you weren't expecting it you'd be devastated. don't do that.