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My story - need advice and viewpoints


hades
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Are relastionship started on a sex chat. Neither of us where looking for love or anything. When we started talking, we really clicked. We had the feelings and the connection. Infact it was so strong, we started to rush things. She's a single mom. She had a previous relastionship, and she didnt want to have anything to do with him. She broke it off about 1.5 years before me. She slept with one guy during that time, and was in a party phaze.

 

Anyways, we met face to face after a few months of constant talking...when i mean constant i'm talking 10 hours a night at times. It was unhealthy. She lost her job, and we already planed to move together, so i moved down with her. I had 4k and we where staying at there cousins place. The 3 weeks into it we had a fight, but other then that things went well. We got an appartment. She worked, ididnt. i called my parents when we needed money. We took 2 trips to visit them, and i got close to her son. He called me dad. She started ending up spending more and more time at friends house, specificly cherie's, and was using drugs at that time. We where fighting alot especially about taking her sons bio dad to court. She was scared. On a trip to see my family, her brother had brain cancer. In which we drove back and even fought on the way. When we got back i spent 3 days without sleep making sure he was ok with her. it turned into a 2 month recovery, and her going to cheries house to use, under the guise of going to the hospital. I was watching our son at his uncle at one point when she broke up with me. I cried, and fought it. Broke her stuff. We just moved into a new apartment. I made plans to move back to chicago. She tried to kill herself, and we talked for a bit. She admited she used drugs, and i took her to some meetings. We agreed to stay together, but i had already had the moving guys coming. So i moved back and she worked on herself.

 

I got a job online, and got some money, and we talked constantly. I spent christmas with them, and moved down the next month. Thing went well for a while. However as things goes, i lost my job, and she ended up working at a gas station. I tried to apply my trade on the internet. We both where optimisitic, but it didnt work out very well. We didn't make much money. She was still working. This continued for a while, then she got held at knife point at the gas station. I refused to let her work there, but she insisted. So i got a job there and worked with her, so she never had to work alone. That was last christmas. I got fired, and she was about to be fired, though because she was a hard worker the manager at subway grabbed her. She worked very hard there, and over the next few months her boss had to take some emergency time, and she took over as a manager without getting paid for it. Working 60-80 hours a week at times. The bumped her up to manager very fast, and didn't have alot of time to spend with me or her son. She was often jelous that i was home alone onthe computer or with her son and she was working.

 

A month before christmas I said if we have any more fights we would break up. Alot in our relastionship we tended to threaten break up, because we knew how much we loved eachother, and how much the last one hurt. She started to pick fights, and during christmas she didn't like the way i was with our son. I cought her listening to "break up" music, with lyrics like "i could get another you in a minute" and told her i didnt like it. First month of january she broke up with me. I don't remember if it was a fight or not, i dont think it was. I was in tears. An hour later she was in the bathtub, and i got a phone call from my dad, and found out he had throat cancer. I collapsed, she said we would work it out. Next day she said it was over because she had to wake me up to get our son on the bus. I've never missed it before. That day she put money down on a new apartment. I was supose to leave that week. I called my friend and delayed it a week. After that i found that he couldn't let me stay at his place, and when i called my mom, she attacked me. My ex called my mom and yelled at her, in which my mom said "she's your problem". We talked and before i left we spent the day together. She wanted to pack, and that she didn't want to sit and cuddle much because she has abandonment issues. We did end up hugging and holding eachother, in which she cried alot. At that point we wern't making any plans, but that we would end up back together.

 

After i left, i got a cell phone. I called her, and things where ok. On the 22 i have a voice message of her in an emotional voice like she was crying, with a i love you at the end. the 24th there was a message with crying like thing saying call me back. Then she was moving and told me she didnt have alot of time. But i called her 2-3 times a day. I wasn't able to get a hold of her for a few days. After i finally did, i was upset and asked if she was avoiding me. She said no, that she was so busy, and the last day the phone was dead because of the weather. Which i believe. She called me the next day, my birthday, and we talked breifly, because she was still unpacking. it was my birthday. Next day i called her 3 times and couldn't get a hold of her. then in the morning on the 3rd she told me that we are broken up. That her and our son are happy witout me and the only time she feels bad now is when i call. Which to be honest all i've done is complain the last month, which she feels is her fault. That she doesn't have alot of faith in us, and that we are incompatable (because she likes horror movies and rap, and i dont). We talked a bit longer. She was open and honest about everything, and didn't take cheap shots. I asked if she still loved me, and still had feelings for me she said she couldn't answer that. She said she wants to work on her relastionship with her son. Then i asked if after i found a job and worked on me, if we could atleast try again. She said she would keep an open mind, but she cant worry about that now. Deal with that when the time comes. I called her a bunch and got a hold of her twice and begged and pleaded. Both times before the conversation she had a reason to keep the call short. Nothing changed. She still throughout all of it said that she would keep an open mind about us in the future. And wants to remain friends. She's sick of the unhealthy relastionship. and when i asked if there is any thing i can do to fix this, she said to keep in touch.

 

It's been 4-5 days since i last whined to her. I called her up 3 days ago and told her i got a job and needed to know about our bank account. After the last whine i realised that i still loved her, but didnt want the unhealthy relastionship. some where along the lines i believe she asked for time. During the relastionship she asked for time alot. I do know she doesnt have another guy, nor will she any time soon. I know that she still has feelings for me and still loves me. She isnt returning my calls at this point, however i've only called once. She's very stuborn. She's pretty honest, and isn't the type to string someone along. She also doesn't want to hurt me, though it can't really be helped at this point. We needed the split.

 

Here is where i'm at. I still love her and want this to work. In pretty darn sure that we will get together in the future. Right now, we both need some time. Where i'm stuck is that the whinny thing was the last thing i talked to her with. I want her to know that i miss her, and want to be together, but right now i want to focus on me. That i want to talk as friends and attempt to build a healthy relastionship. And i want to find out if she's really over for good or not. I've got no idea what she is thinking. We both invested everything in this relastionship. It did turn out unhealthy, and in the end we both did get sick of it. I don't want to lose her forever, and i want to make sure there is a window of oppertunity with us.

 

Right now, i plan to call her late at night on the 14th to ask her about the bank account and see if she still needs time. It's unlike her not to return my phone calls, which makes me worried. Though i'm pretty sure i pushed her away alot, till she got sick of the stress of talking to me. I know she's stressed out now. She tends to get over things fast with me, and can talk and resolve issues, atleast in the past. I would like to open a line of communication, and talk to my kid. Also, she hasn't told him yet. Which is also unlike her unless she's waiting to see what happens.

 

Any advice or help is appreciated

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Hades your ex asked for time.....I would give her a few weeks to get over all the negative feelings that are probably so fresh right now.

You said the last few times you talked you were really negative and whiney.

Take the next few weeks to improve yourself, then come back with a fresh approach. Rather than call her.......send her a bouquet of roses, with one line. "i MISS YOU". If she still has feelings for you it will melt her heart, trust me.

 

In the meantime, work on your life and improve yourself. Read books on relationships and communication. You'll be amazed at mush it can help.

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Sounds like a mess- I hate to hear it.

 

I think you need to remove yourself from the situation for the time being.

 

You need to straighten yourself out before you can carry others. Thats something I've always tried to maintain in my life and something my father instilled in me very young.

 

You and your SO aren't on anything stable. From what I read it seems like the both of you have had more jobs in that time than I can count on my fingers. You all moved over and over, back and forth, and on top of it all, you have family events that were significantly stressful to ANY family.

 

It appears that you, nor your significant other have much of a solid footing, and a stress filled situation that is, super charged with even more stress from drugs, and family and friends and such.. it's a recipe for disaster!

 

Bottomline is your trying to build a house on a rock. You need some stability in your life. A solid job, a solid place to live, a place to plant your roots and build from there. The in and out of each others lives is not good for the kid, nor for each of you. Her drug use, and lack of caring about the situation doesn't help. You need to decide if you can tolorate the abuse, and if so, perhaps helping her with it. It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants.

 

 

Each of you should build yourselves back up. Give it some time and try and be positive about everything. Instead of whining to her, why not be productive and find a median of the conflict.

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Thanks for the respones, keep them coming.

 

ECTex, couple of things, she's been clearn and sober for 2 years, i've been clearn for 8. She doesnt use any more. Right now she's stable, im not. There is emotional abuse. Most of that came from me being a hermit, and not having a job. i never left the house. She would complain, or say she needs space, but i would make excuses. Kinda sucks, but i think both her and I know that this is the only way i would get it. I've come to accept it.

 

I'm going to pass on the rose idea, soley for the fact that after the whinning, she would attrb it to more desperate behavior i think. Honestly, i just want to have a nice, casual conversation when she's ready. i just don't know when that will be. I figure i'll ask.

 

My biggest fear in all of this, is that it is over for good. Though i don't believe it my fears do play on that alot. does it look like it has agood chance? My thing is that real love is so hard to find. Even though i believe we can both find it again, If it can be salvaged i would rather do that.

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Hades i'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm gonna try and help you out here a bit.

 

First off STOP CALLING. The more you call the worse things will be. Only call unless you have to about your bank account or something. But leave it at that. Do not talk about the relationship.

 

She sounds to me like she is unsure of alot in life. Looking at the history of things, everything was all over the place. She has some issues that are potentially unresolved as well.

 

A woman like that will want someone who they percieve as strong and together. I dont think she saw you as that. You had multiple jobs, you called yourself a hermit. To anybody that doesnt indicate a strong confident person.

 

I would suggest wrapping up the business you have to get done with her and then doing your best to forget about everything. You wont obviously. But I mean dont contact her, just do things for yourself and work on things in your life.

 

Getting away from the situation will be beneficial for both of you hopefully.

 

Also the son isnt your son is it?

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No, he's not, but i want to keep in touch with him.

 

Thing is, i'm wondering if this is me pushing to far and being to negative and her just not wanting to talk to me because of that, hence the not answering the phone calls,

 

or Her just wanting to break up and fading me out.

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Drugs or not. Nothing is stable. You both need to have your OWN places to live, your OWN jobs away from each other...

 

But then again, one could assume that under the situations you met( on a sex site) and the fact you both didn't lead a clean relationship..

 

You really just need to step back and give up for the time being. Relax and enjoy life for a second and then slowly try and see what she's wanting.

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