How Long Do We Wait?????

[Hayles]

Hi all! My name is Hayles and I'm 26. I have a gorgeous son, 4 years old. I have been dating BF far 3 years next week, he also has a son who lives interstate with his Mum (5 years old) and visits in school holidays.

The thing is... 3 years on and there's nothing more than talk about commitment, no actual commitment happening. I mean, in the traditional sense of the word, yeah, sure, we're together - exclusively, we both apparently plan to stay together always.... However, we still don't even live together!!!!

He lives in an apartment owned by his parents - rent free. It's barely big enough for him and his visits with his son. We live in a 3 bedroom rented house. Now, my BF refuses to compromise on this one... he refuses to rent when he can live rent free... fair call. However, his little plan is to build our first home together... and he has decided that we can not do this for at least another 2 years... I am growing increasingly impatient, how long does one wait to live together, to become engaged, to get some kind of commitment??? We talk comfortably about our future together, to him it's all just "it's not time just yet, we need to get money better sorted", to me it's "if you want something enough, you make it happen", and I feel that I would rather live in a ten shed and be woth him every night of my life than live apart for another 2-3 years so we can build a mansion...

 

A friend suggested a nice compromise would be if we did get engaged now, begin slowly byuing bits and pieces, paying for things... so once it's time to get the finances sorted for the house, the wedding date can be set and is already paid for... make use of the time that we wait for a home... when I causually dropped ths idea into conversation all I got back was "If only it were all that easy", and as much as I usually control myself well, I didn't this time... I lost it, and I replied "And it's not all as bloody hard as you make it out to be either, this is something you should want to do now, if it was what you thought would make you happy - you would find a way. I am sick of all the talk, how long do you expect me to wait on words?"

 

Maybe I am being selfish and he is right... but I don't think I am asking a lot... just for him to formally commit to something he says he wants... that should not be hard now, should it?

Seriously guys... help me... how long should I wait for him?!

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. hm, this is a tricky situation, but it happens. I would recommend the book, "Mars and Venus on a Date." In particular, read the chapter called, "When the clock is ticking, but he isn't wearing a watch." I think it's good that you already talked to him about where things are headed, but it's not so good that his response wasn't more positive.

 

The book would recommend going back a stage in dating. Maybe stay exclusive, but see each other less. Get involved in other things, make sure to meet other people. If he still doesn't want to commit, go back another stage, and maybe start seeing other people.

 

I wouldn't issue an ultimatum, but I would have the point clear that you are looking for something more than living in separate places and you want a man who can be a father figure to your child one day. So, if he isn't seeming like he is on that track, it is best to take a step backwards in the relationship and maybe look for someone who can fulfil what you are looking for.

 

good luck

[Lady Bugg]

Ditto what Annie said....

 

That's a good book to read.....Good luck!!!

[Hayles]

Thank you. I will see if I can find the book. I think you are right, it's something I guess I knew deep down anyway. Yeah, it's hard because it's like we are already there, without actually being there... sometimes I honestly feel as though he'd be happy if things stayed just as they are. He doesn't stay over much either, so our time together is limited already... I suppose he has security in the fact that he knows I am always home with my son, while he lives the life of a bachelor.Maybe I think too much, but I do wonder - is it that he sees me as who he wants to be with forever, but is not really at that stage yet, so he's giving me enough just to keep me here until such time as he is ready to make the commitment?

 

Yeah, an ultimatum would be a bad move, and besides, I want these things because I want him to want them... not feel they're forced on him.

I have been so clear with him, explained that I am not being pushy, I am merely asking that he come forth and compromise with me... because right now we are living his life, his way, whether I agree with it or not!

 

You are so right, we do need to take it back notch, back to not explaining everything we do, everywhere we go... not planning our future so much yet... just let it all go... I won't deny that it will be hard though. It's insane, sometimes I get so consumed by all of it, I find it hard to be near him.

I know it's not the most mature approach, but yeah, I can't help struggling at times, thinking, "If he loved em the way I love him he'd have done all this a year ago - at least!" but then, he's not me...

 

I read that book "He's just not that into you", and gee, didn't that flick a little light bulb moment on... but is it really all that simple? can we simply say, "he won't commit when you're ready so you deserve better".

 

BF says to me, "I am committed, I want to be with you always, so what's the big deal?" so I said to him, "would you rather just not ever get married then? because if it's something you feel strongly about, then maybe we can talk about not getting married"....... He says, "of course I want to get married one day" so I said, "then clearly this is about you not being ready. When you work out what it is that's holding you back, scaring you, whatever, talk to me"

 

I suppose really it's more just about knowing for sure he wants to spend the rest of his days with me... that I am to him what he is to me... do I really need a ring to prove that? No. But I do need something...

 

I wonder though, even if he did propose soonish, wouldn't I then still be yearning to live together? I mean, that's what I really want here... I suppose the engagement in the mean time is a reminder that I am waiting purposefully.... like a promise that my wait will be worthwhile... oh, i sound shallow or insane, don't i???

 

I don't know... I'll get that book.... hehe!!!

[shikashika]

hmnn...Personally I don't neccesarily think living together will bring you closer together... nor does it mean you are more commited

 

I have seen many relationships fail where they think if they have a ring on the finger.. or live under the same roof, all those commitment problems will magically disappear.. I say... if he's not ready( even if you are unfortunately) then dont' push it... you have to BOTH want it..and doesn't sound like he does at all..

 

i don't see the point in trying to force someone or give them an ultimatum..because then this will only cause greater problems in the long run

[Hayles]

I want to make it very clear that I am not at all trying to force something upon him that he does not want... but merely make him see that right now... he is forcing something on me that I don't want... living apart and waiting... why does he get to call all the shots? How is that fair?

 

What I want is for him to see that my opinions and wishes are as valid as his.

 

Nor am I naive enough to ever think that living together or a ring is a bandaid that will magically alter our universe... but I do believe that living together would solve some our main issues.... which is simply "not living together!!" hehe.

 

I am torn because I think, "who am I to push or shove?" but then I think, "Who is he to make me wait?" How do we justify who is right or wrong in a situation where there should be an option for compromise?!

[shikashika]

Why is it so important for you to live together? I know you said you know its not a 'cure all'... but how do you think living together is going to make things better?

[annie24]

hmmm.... the way I see it, it's more that he doesn't seem to want to move the relationship forward, or really put a timeline on the relationship..... is that what the problem is?

[SarahRose]

I understand the frustration. If you live together then you can get on with your life as living together and building a future together rather than living apart and just mostly doing things as if you were single.

[Hayles]

Thank you Rose... for understanding, Yes, that is what it is... Shivers, this guy is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, we have a wonderful relationship, we have plans, we have grown together so much, and I imagine will continue to do so into the future... we make each other happy, and compliment each other's lives, but yes, living together is a big deal for me... as I imagine it would be to most people after 3 years... or more so, I'm thinking how I have been ready for this for so long, and we still may have to wait 2 or more years longer... yes, it is frustrating!!!

 

I did not post here to be told I am an impatient, selfish woman... or to claim some sympathy and make my man out to be uncaring...

merely for some advice... as bluntly as I can put it....

How long do I wait before it becomes a case of "Uh Oh, I have waited for this man for "x" amount of years, sat here like a dummy... and it has become clear a future with me is not what he wanted, ever"....

 

I am asking for advice. I know each situation is different but really, how long is too long to wait for commitment if commitment is something he says that he wants and talks about often??? I just want to make sure I am not holding onto something that's not there... you know???

 

I think you get that Rose. so thanks!

[annie24]

How long do I wait before it becomes a case of "Uh Oh, I have waited for this man for "x" amount of years, sat here like a dummy... and it has become clear a future with me is not what he wanted, ever"....

 

I don't think there is any right or wrong answer to this question. (ok, maybe there is, expecting marriage after a few weeks or months would be insane!) but, if you are feeling lately that you think you might be waiting too long, then I think it is a valid concern. you are the only one who can say how long do you wait, and when do you leave. what do you think is a reasonable amount of time to be with someone before moving things to the next step?

[Hayles]

Thanks Annie! You are right, it was naive of me to think that there actually was an answer to my question... hehe, of course it is something that is decided merely by the way we feel at the time. I have felt ready to move to the next stage for some time. I never talked about it openly until BF began taking me to see open houses and we sat and drew up our house plan... and I said we do talk so comfortably about our future and our wedding plans and house plans etc. Everything in our future is discussed as a couple and of course inclusive of each other... I am growing impatient... sometimes I do get insecure and wonder what is keeping him from moving forward, I wonder if his reasons are excuses to mask a real fear of commitment... but I also know him, and I know what we talk about is genuine, and that is what keeps me going, holding on... it's a hard one... it feels like he is saying to me "Let's just wait a while, don't push" and I am saying, "Let's just do this, it's clearly what we both want"... and there isn't an in-between on this matter... that's the hard part!

I suppose I listen too much to others, friends are always saying to us "You guys living together yet?", or... "When are you getting married?"... and then I begin to think, "Yeah, why aren't we?" and I suppose I let that influence me somewhat, and I become so consumed by our future I forget about what we have right now... I focus on tomorrow and miss today... It's not a good thing!

 

I am of course willing to wait longer, and I have realised what I have become afraid of... I am afraid that we will remain this way for so long that he will become comfortable this way, enjoy his perfect little set-up, where he lives the life of a bachelor with all the fringe benefits of having a GF... and that nothing will ever change.

I suppose I have not been giving him enough credit.

 

You are right, this has to be about me, and how long I will wait for him, and about trust - and how much I trust that my wait will be worthwhile.

It's funny how just saying things out loud sometimes makes it all seem clearer!

 

Thanks again!